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Snackersmom

Snackersmom

Senior Member
#1
May 10, 2011
1,497
149
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#1
Okay, so, I need some advice (mark the calendar, I don't ask for it often :p).

Say, for instance, that a guy likes a girl, and has made it clear that he would like to be more than "just friends".

However, said girl doesn't think that he's "The One", and she's reluctant to start something she can't finish (plus she's a minimalist that doesn't like to let things get unnecessarily complicated. Also she doesn't want to toy with his heart. Also she wants to stay in God's will, and she doesn't think it would be right to take things further).

Would it count as "leading on" for the girl to remain on friendly terms with the guy? I would think not, but I also know that guys can sometimes interpret friendliness as romantic interest.

So, what do you guys think? Is it better to be shut off cold-turkey? Does continuing a friendship with someone who is "still hoping" send the message "Not now, but maybe someday"?

I welcome all comments, suggestions, and criticisms!
 
O

oracle2world

Guest
#3
#3
Break it off cold turkey. Guys and gals can never be "just friends".
 
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niceguyJ

Senior Member
#4
Feb 5, 2011
520
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I would say to make it absolutely clear to the guy that there is NO chance of it ever being anything more than friends. Then you could let him decide if he wants to continue staying on friendly terms, as you say.
OR
If you're (and when I say "you're" I mean the hypothetical girl you're talking about in the thread of course) not comfortable staying friends with someone who you know is wanting more, then just tell him that and end it if you need to. If he really cares for you, he will understand and not be a jerk about it. You can both move on. If he is a jerk about it, that's on him..not you.

You might have to be really blunt for some guys to REALLY get it though.
That doesn't make you mean, it makes you honest. There is a difference. Sure, it could hurt him..but that's not your intention, it's just how it is. It would be worse to lead him on or make him think he has a shot when he doesn't. That'd just be cruel...I know you wouldn't do that though.

P.S. ~ Welcome back. :)
 
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Ugly

Guest
#5
#5
Ignore previous comment. Everything i see him post is negative.

I'm good friends with a number of women. In fact, i've always had female friends that never got romantic. So yeah, so much for the previous post unfounded accusation.

This is pretty simple. The woman has to sit down with said gentleman, and be very clear and direct that IF the friendship is to continue that he needs to understand that this is not some form of leading him on that that she has ZERO intentions of dating him in any fashion.

Here is an idea on what you could say, and how to say it. I know for a woman that may seem rather blunt, but you're dealing with a man, and when talking to men you need to be blunt and direct. Still be considerate, but just straightforward so he can't read more into it.

''John, i know the feelings you have for me, and i am flattered how you feel about me, but i'm afraid i do not share those feelings for you in return. I'm happy to maintain a friendship with you, but you MUST understand this is NOT a chance for you to try to change my mind, nor is this me leaving it open that we will ever date. Its not going to happen. This will be strictly a friendship and will stay that way. And if you want to stay friends and i feel that you are trying to sway me into dating you, i will have to end this friendship completely and cut you out of my life. I hope you understand.''


One last suggestion, its understandable to want to keep friendships, but one thing i've seen in women, is they overdo it. I've seen so many women leave themselves in bad positions because they fight and fight to keep a friendship that they shouldn't be trying to keep and just need to let the person move on without them. Don't be that person. Give it a try, but if he can't act right, then just let it go rather than try 20 ways to make it work.
 
Snackersmom

Snackersmom

Senior Member
#6
May 10, 2011
1,497
149
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#6
oracle2world said:
Break it off cold turkey. Guys and gals can never be "just friends".
Click to expand...
>o-O<

"Never"? Wow. That's a pretty strong word....I NEVER say never! :p

Seriously, though........I'm not talking about being buddy-buddy friends, more like being on friendly terms. I would sort of have to go out of my way to be unfriendly.....does that make a difference?

niceguyJ said:
I would say to make it absolutely clear to the guy that there is NO chance of it ever being anything more than friends. Then you could let him decide if he wants to continue staying on friendly terms, as you say.
OR
If you're (and when I say "you're" I mean the hypothetical girl you're talking about in the thread of course) not comfortable staying friends with someone who you know is wanting more, then just tell him that and end it if you need to. If he really cares for you, he will understand and not be a jerk about it. You can both move on. If he is a jerk about it, that's on him..not you.

You might have to be really blunt for some guys to REALLY get it though.
That doesn't make you mean, it makes you honest. There is a difference. Sure, it could hurt him..but that's not your intention, it's just how it is. It would be worse to lead him on or make him think he has a shot when he doesn't. That'd just be cruel...I know you wouldn't do that though.

P.S. ~ Welcome back. :)
Click to expand...
Thanks! It's nice to be back, even if only for a while :)

The hypothetical girl hasn't exactly made it crystal-clear that there will never be anything more, because she thought it would be unnecessarily blunt (partly considering that she has known the guy for over 12 years, and they have been on friendly terms ever since). So, she's been reluctant to bring it up. Interesting what you say about leveling with him and letting him choose, though. Hmmmm.
 
A

adekruif

Guest
#7
#7
oracle2world said:
Break it off cold turkey. Guys and gals can never be "just friends".
Click to expand...
^^^^ False! False!! One of my better friends is a girl my age, and I have NO romantic interest whatsoever, and she has NONE in me. So false.
 
Oncefallen

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
#8
Jan 15, 2011
6,032
3,291
113
#8
It really depends on the maturity and stability of the guy. Sure, some guys will see any continued interaction as a glimmer of hope that there could be more but I think that most mature and emotionally stable guys can handle a friendship that will never be more than.

I've gotta disagree with Oracle with the whole men and women can't be friends, it sounds like something you'd hear in a movie....oh wait it was in a movie.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sllQdfTCFg[/video]
 
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niceguyJ

Senior Member
#9
Feb 5, 2011
520
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#9
I think Ugly was typing at the same time I was. :D

So friendly..but not exactly good friends? Hmm. I think the same things said already could still apply though.
 
Snackersmom

Snackersmom

Senior Member
#10
May 10, 2011
1,497
149
63
#10
Lol, Niceguy, I'm not listenin' to you, because everything you post is negative! :p

And, yes, as odd as it sounds, friendly, but not exactly close friends.....it's terribly hard to explain (hypothetically, of course ;)).
 
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Snackersmom

Snackersmom

Senior Member
#12
May 10, 2011
1,497
149
63
#12
Ugly said:
Ignore previous comment. Everything i see him post is negative.

I'm good friends with a number of women. In fact, i've always had female friends that never got romantic. So yeah, so much for the previous post unfounded accusation.

This is pretty simple. The woman has to sit down with said gentleman, and be very clear and direct that IF the friendship is to continue that he needs to understand that this is not some form of leading him on that that she has ZERO intentions of dating him in any fashion.

Here is an idea on what you could say, and how to say it. I know for a woman that may seem rather blunt, but you're dealing with a man, and when talking to men you need to be blunt and direct. Still be considerate, but just straightforward so he can't read more into it.

''John, i know the feelings you have for me, and i am flattered how you feel about me, but i'm afraid i do not share those feelings for you in return. I'm happy to maintain a friendship with you, but you MUST understand this is NOT a chance for you to try to change my mind, nor is this me leaving it open that we will ever date. Its not going to happen. This will be strictly a friendship and will stay that way. And if you want to stay friends and i feel that you are trying to sway me into dating you, i will have to end this friendship completely and cut you out of my life. I hope you understand.''


One last suggestion, its understandable to want to keep friendships, but one thing i've seen in women, is they overdo it. I've seen so many women leave themselves in bad positions because they fight and fight to keep a friendship that they shouldn't be trying to keep and just need to let the person move on without them. Don't be that person. Give it a try, but if he can't act right, then just let it go rather than try 20 ways to make it work.
Click to expand...
I'm really not trying to make anything work, friendship-wise.........I'm not particularly worried about him pushing anything, either. Mostly I just don't want to accidentally play with his heart.

Regarding this particular hypothetical guy, it's probably too late to make too much of a game-change, at this point. However, judging from what the guys have said (thanks, y'all! :)), I'll be a bit more blunt if anything comes up again. At least I'll know better, if there's ever a "next time" (hypothetically speaking ;))
 
R

Relena7

Guest
#13
#13
I've been in that situation before... I suspected that my then best male friend had feelings for me. And sure enough he confessed.
So I told him directly and honestly that I didn't feel the same and that I wanted to stay friends.
He got the hint. I think it hurt him after some time being around me and me not feeling the same, but we did stay friends for a while after that.

Being honest and upfront as early as possible is important in a friendship. If you are, then you won't have to worry about leading him on or other misunderstandings.


oracle2world said:
Break it off cold turkey. Guys and gals can never be "just friends".
Click to expand...
Not always true. I've had more male friends than female friends in my life. And only one out of those evolved into a relationship. The rest I just saw as friends.
 
Snackersmom

Snackersmom

Senior Member
#14
May 10, 2011
1,497
149
63
#14
Relena7 said:
Being honest and upfront as early as possible is important in a friendship. If you are, then you won't have to worry about leading him on or other misunderstandings.
Click to expand...
Yeeeaaaahhhhhh.....that's good advice, but when it first came up, I was still pretty young and probably didn't handle it the best way. At the time, I didn't know 100% that there would never be anything more (even now, I'm not 100%, but pretty close to it), so I was reluctant to completely annihilate the possibility of taking things to the next level. So........I never leveled with him. Looking back, it probably would have been the best thing, though
 
K

kayem77

Guest
#16
#16
I came here to say, YAY!! SNACKERS IS BACK!!!!! :D:D
 
Snackersmom

Snackersmom

Senior Member
#17
May 10, 2011
1,497
149
63
#17
zeroturbulence said:
WWSD??

What would Snackers do? :)
Click to expand...
Uhhhhhh.....Snackers would probably say something that would get him grounded. If you can deduce how Snackers would handle a situation......Do the exact opposite!

kayem77 said:
I came here to say, YAY!! SNACKERS IS BACK!!!!! :D:D
Click to expand...
*Waves at Kayem*

I've missed you, Sis! :D
 
K

kayem77

Guest
#18
#18
Snackersmom said:
!

*Waves at Kayem*

I've missed you, Sis! :D
Click to expand...
I've missed you too! I was thinking about you today and I was wondering where in the world were you hidding haha. Glad to see you around here again! You start missing again and I will kidnap Snackers and force him to tell me your location :D
 
Snackersmom

Snackersmom

Senior Member
#19
May 10, 2011
1,497
149
63
#19
Haha, puhleeease kidnap Snackers for a bit, he's the reason I've been gone! Did I tell you he's running for president? Heaven help us..........:p
 
R

Relena7

Guest
#20
#20
Snackersmom said:
Yeeeaaaahhhhhh.....that's good advice, but when it first came up, I was still pretty young and probably didn't handle it the best way. At the time, I didn't know 100% that there would never be anything more (even now, I'm not 100%, but pretty close to it), so I was reluctant to completely annihilate the possibility of taking things to the next level. So........I never leveled with him. Looking back, it probably would have been the best thing, though
Click to expand...
Ah, Okay. I see how that would complicate things, lol.

I guess wait for the next window of opportunity then?

Until then, try not to worry. :)
 
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