Something I can't wrap my brain around

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Jullianna

Guest
#1
#1
Why do so many great guys tell a lady how wonderful she is, how much they like her, etc., and then say that they don’t think they are good enough for her (and may later even complain about being in the friendzone)? If a guy really thinks that, why would he tell the lady he’s interested in her in the first place? And why would he think that? Why would he not give her a chance?

And then there’s the really aggressive guy who will chase a woman whether they are good for one another or not or whether she’s interested or not for reasons of his own (most of which are rarely noble), who will get very angry if things don’t go his way.

Why is it that the guys you would trust enough to be in a relationship never ask, and the guys you wouldn’t trust to hang up your coat are all over you? It’s so frustrating. And it happens over and over....*sigh*

Could this be the explanation for the women the good guys like ending up with the bad boys? Do women eventually give up and settle for the aggressive guys?
 
L

libertygirl

Guest
#2
#2
I think the good guys are just careful, they won't pursue unless they know for sure they want to be with that girl. The bad boys are pick-up artists, so it just comes naturally. I heard that if a guy says you're too good for him, he's probably telling the truth. Or, maybe he's just not that into you. Then they get mad later because they want what they can't have. They like the chase. I don't know. But a wise man doesn't play games, he hears God's voice and does what he's told.
 
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DABEARS8519

Guest
#3
#3
Honestly, if a guy says you are too good for him, he is using it as an excuse to break up with you. That's the easiest way to do it, and it hurts the other person far less. It may confuse them, but by telling them "you are too good for me, I am a bad person" type of thing, they get out of the relationship without feeling much guilt. That's just the basic idea anyways, if you truly want to know. I'm sure there are other reasons too, but most of the time, that's what it is. Some men might even feel that way as well, but it's mainly just the inability for forgive themselves for their own faults and weaknesses, and so they would rather reject someone else before they allow themselves to be rejected.

Oh, and the nice guys tend to be the exact opposite of the **edited**, so if you're finding all the bad guys are aggressors, and all the nice guys are not... maybe it isn't about who chases you anymore and you should put more effort into the nice guys? With the bad ones, you won't have to give much effort at all, so it is naturally easier... but it surely won't end well. That's mainly up to you. It may be frustrating, but if a nice guy becomes aggressive, he is looked at as a bad guy anyway, and he will be judged based on how well he picks up you. He will always lose that battle most likely, because the bad guys have perfected it. It's mainly a point on how smart a girl/woman really is, if she falls for the bad guy or not. The nice guy will probably be in the corner shaking his head, saying to himself she isn't worth it if she is that easy or gullible. That's just my opinion though.
 
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AAAPlus

AAAPlus

Senior Member
#4
Aug 2, 2011
601
10
18
#4
For starters, if a guy says you're too good for him, it means he sees lots of really great qualities in you, but for one reason or another he's just not attracted to you enough to start a relationship. No guy ever said to his buddy "yeah, I was gonna date her, but she's just too good for me". Ever. That's just not a reason guys turn girls down. There could be any number of reasons for it; often, when guys say what they're really thinking, they end up regretting it. So he's probably a smart guy to not reveal the real reason, although he could just be an immature guy who just likes the chase.

As for the guy who pursues no matter what...he sounds like a creep. I don't know for sure; I haven't heard the whole situation. But there are lots of creepy dudes out there. That's just how it is.
 
AsifinPassing

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
#5
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
40
48
#5
Actually, in response to Dabears, and your op, Jullianna...I don't believe there's necessarily a clear-cut answer. Being one of the guys you talk about, I know many girls who have liked me that whether by my will or God's, don't fit. Then there are those that are amazing, and we tell them so...but know they're 'out of our league'.

Some of this could just be the guy's own self-insecurity, intimidation of the girl, or actually that it's like pairing up a scoundrel with a saint. 'Good-Guys' often get there partly through personality, partly through upbringing, and largely through choices, mistakes, and experience. There are definitely elements of Liberty, DaBears, and AAAPlus' answers, but a bit more too. It's sort of like how people sometimes say 'I wish that' or 'wouldn't it be wonderful if' or 'someday I'd like to', but know most of the time that those are just dreams and not reality.

I'm sorry it makes things so hard on the receiving end, but I think most guys who do that (barring those using it as a breakup line) don't want to corrupt, stain, or be a blemish/burden to an otherwise genuinely beautiful and amazing person. I've seen that happen first hand, and I'll never be the 'corrupter' of a person again (God help me...).
 
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Wilfred

Guest
#6
#6
sometimes "good guys" are so badly damaged they find it hard to think that there is a female whom can be trusted.
and if you meet one, you will be on the "friend" list because you are not hot, you are not exciting, you are just a Christian guy working to live a life.
i hear this discussion here at college frequently in the student hall, and there you sit, unnoticed for the above reasons. and they only see the guy whom wants to destroy them - and often does.
yeah, i have even introduced myself and am always friended, so why even try?
i am thinking of establishing a Bachelors Until the Rapture club here on campus..... requirements? christian guy, no female interest, no muscle structure.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#7
#7
DABEARS8519 said:
Honestly, if a guy says you are too good for him, he is using it as an excuse to break up with you.
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He we go again, one man speaking for all men, and being wrong. I have dated women, who i very much liked, and even loved, that i felt they were still too good for me. I didn't not want to break up with them. It was as simple as i meant what i said, and there is nothing more to read into. And while i couldn't understand what they saw in Me, i didn't dump them.
 
Z

zaoman32

Guest
#8
#8
I can tell you right now, I know of at least three relationships where the guy pursued a girl they were in love with and in each case once the guy finally got their date with the girl they chased, they ended up getting married, and as far as I know every single one of these couples are happily married (my parents being one of them). On the other hand I know of a guy who has been chasing a girl for the past ten years, and still hasn't gotten the hint that he doesn't have a chance.

In another case my sister spent 30 years looking for the perfect guy, found him, and he broke up with her. Several months later they got back together and were married within a couple months, and I have no doubt they will be together for the rest of their lives, they're like P.B. and J.

Guys pursue women each in their own way, When a guy says he's not good enough he could truly feel that way, which is not really a bad thing, or else he is just being whiny and needy and looking for the girl to affirm that he does deserve her. As for the guys chasing girls that aren't interested, it's built in a guys DNA to pursue one he's attracted to, and for some guys that is how they pursue, regardless of whether or not the girl is interested. If you want to keep these hound dogs at bay then kick them in a head with a steel toe and say "down boy! down!"
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#9
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
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#9
if a guy thinks you are too good for him, then I just think they have low self esteem...but thats my 2 cents
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#11
#11
Thanks. You've given me some things to think about.

It can't be something that's just a breakup excuse, as most of the guys I'm talking about say it before there even is a relationship...or even a first date....which is why I can't figure out why they even tell me.

Your comments have helped me see what may be a shortcoming on my part. I was taught not to pursue guys and feel very strongly against it; but maybe I need to realize that giving a guy some encouragement isn't the same as pursuing him, is it? Hmmm...
 
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nw2u

Guest
#12
#12
Maybe, ask them? Only the person who says it knows why.
 
C

Chrissy77

Guest
#13
#13
Wow these words could have come out of my mouth!!! Julianna you have hit it on the head. I have heard that statement from many men. It is either that they are not good enough for me or they say how crazy they are for me and sit back and watch another man waltz up and basically push them out of the way. Maybe I am old fashioned but what ever happened to men standing up for themselves, seeing who they want, and going after it. Is it wrong to want a man to fight for me if I am truly what he wants(figuratively of course)? It is always the guys who are sweet, kind, and gentle who say they are not good enough. It is the egotistical men who say she wants me, I know she does(not!!!).

When you figure it out Jullianna please let me know.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#14
#14
nw2u said:
Maybe, ask them? Only the person who says it knows why.
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Maybe I will.:) I'm definitely not aggressive when it comes to relationships, but surely there can be no harm in asking a few questions.
 
N

nw2u

Guest
#15
#15
Jullianna said:
Maybe I will.:) I'm definitely not aggressive when it comes to relationships, but surely there can be no harm in asking a few questions.
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It's not aggressive. It's taking an active part in your life. You are too intelligent not to ask. Why torture yourself?
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#16
#16
My brain and my heart are often at odds, so I'm not sure how intelligent that makes me. :) To my brain (and southern upbringing), no means no; but my heart is saying....what was that all about??? lol
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#17
Aug 2, 2009
24,584
4,271
113
#17
Jullianna said:
Why do so many great guys tell a lady how wonderful she is, how much they like her, etc., and then say that they don’t think they are good enough for her (and may later even complain about being in the friendzone)? If a guy really thinks that, why would he tell the lady he’s interested in her in the first place? And why would he think that? Why would he not give her a chance?

And then there’s the really aggressive guy who will chase a woman whether they are good for one another or not or whether she’s interested or not for reasons of his own (most of which are rarely noble), who will get very angry if things don’t go his way.

Why is it that the guys you would trust enough to be in a relationship never ask, and the guys you wouldn’t trust to hang up your coat are all over you? It’s so frustrating. And it happens over and over....*sigh*

Could this be the explanation for the women the good guys like ending up with the bad boys? Do women eventually give up and settle for the aggressive guys?
Click to expand...
The first guys you mentioned are realists. They know that you don't find them attractive and that there's really nothing they can do to change that (short of completely changing their physical appearance, etc..)

The other guys are egotists. (no further explanation needed)

You're welcome ;)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#18
#18
zeroturbulence said:
The first guys you mentioned are realists. They know that you don't find them attractive and that there's really nothing they can do to change that (short of completely changing their physical appearance, etc..)

The other guys are egotists. (no further explanation needed)

You're welcome ;)
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How would they know that? Surely I don't come off as being that shallow. :(

You'll get no argument from me on the egotist thing though. haha (I'm kidding...kinda...sorta...okay..I'm probably not :p)
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#19
Aug 2, 2009
24,584
4,271
113
#19
Jullianna said:
How would they know that? Surely I don't come off as being that shallow. :(

You'll get no argument from me on the egotist thing though. haha (I'm kidding...kinda...sorta...okay..I'm probably not :p)
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It actually has nothing to do with you. You're not shallow. Its because the realists see themselves as not good enough to attract someone who they feel can easily attract much more suitable partners.
 
1

1still_waters

Guest
#20
#20
Jullianna said:
Why do so many great guys tell a lady how wonderful she is, how much they like her, etc., and then say that they don’t think they are good enough for her (and may later even complain about being in the friendzone)?
Click to expand...


Various reasons...

1. They are full of more bologna than an Oscar Meyer factory.
2. They have a high opinion of her and a low opinion of themselves.
3. They have WMS and need to rub some dirt on it. (Whiny Man Syndrome)
4. They're a Yankees fan. <---Self explanatory.
 
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