Man I am really feeling down in the dumps, this is sort of a rant i guess but I didn't know how else to express my feelings.
I am diabetic and I also have a very serious caffeine addiction that I tried my best to kick but couldn't. Im gonna be honest I am horrible at this whole diabetes thing, I have little to no self control and I love sweets. I have prayed for healing for a very long time many have prayed for me and no matter what I never stopped having faith that he could heal me. Faith was not the issue but all the prayers in the world don't seem to have any affect.
I can't keep going like this, I am tired of drowning in my own anguish and tears and im tired of hoping for something that I know I can't have. I read all the stories how Jesus cured people simply because they believed he could, I hear testimonies and stories how people receive these healings and all they had to do was ask. I know Im not the best person or the best Kind of Christian and sure I don't deserve to be healed but Honestly I gave it everything I had, even when my gut and my mind told me the answer was no that he isn't going to heal me I said no i refuse to believe that I believe in him. But the sad part and perhaps what hurts the most is that those things were right every single time no matter how much I put my faith in him no matter what I did how much I prayed how much every one else prayed for me it simply didnt matter the answer is always no.
Im really starting to think that I simply cannot be healed and that the answer will always be no. I know the whole in his timing he says yes believe me I preached and believed it a long time it was the only thing that kept me from breaking down like now. But tonight was horrible, my mom got so mad at me because I drank to much coffee and I ate some bread and peanut butter and it just hurts. I know what my family thinks of me I know that im probably just as bad as they say I am, I just wish that for once I could cry out to God and he would not be silent like he always is. I wish for once I too could be healed that I was right in believing and having faith and honestly that any of my prayers even mattered. Because when I pray a lot of the times it feels like it doesnt even reach his ears and even if it did its as if he just ignores them.
I am diabetic and I also have a very serious caffeine addiction that I tried my best to kick but couldn't. Im gonna be honest I am horrible at this whole diabetes thing, I have little to no self control and I love sweets. I have prayed for healing for a very long time many have prayed for me and no matter what I never stopped having faith that he could heal me. Faith was not the issue but all the prayers in the world don't seem to have any affect.
I can't keep going like this, I am tired of drowning in my own anguish and tears and im tired of hoping for something that I know I can't have. I read all the stories how Jesus cured people simply because they believed he could, I hear testimonies and stories how people receive these healings and all they had to do was ask. I know Im not the best person or the best Kind of Christian and sure I don't deserve to be healed but Honestly I gave it everything I had, even when my gut and my mind told me the answer was no that he isn't going to heal me I said no i refuse to believe that I believe in him. But the sad part and perhaps what hurts the most is that those things were right every single time no matter how much I put my faith in him no matter what I did how much I prayed how much every one else prayed for me it simply didnt matter the answer is always no.
Im really starting to think that I simply cannot be healed and that the answer will always be no. I know the whole in his timing he says yes believe me I preached and believed it a long time it was the only thing that kept me from breaking down like now. But tonight was horrible, my mom got so mad at me because I drank to much coffee and I ate some bread and peanut butter and it just hurts. I know what my family thinks of me I know that im probably just as bad as they say I am, I just wish that for once I could cry out to God and he would not be silent like he always is. I wish for once I too could be healed that I was right in believing and having faith and honestly that any of my prayers even mattered. Because when I pray a lot of the times it feels like it doesnt even reach his ears and even if it did its as if he just ignores them.