Hey everyone!! I was asked to pull this thread out of the confines of the testimony forum, so it could be shared with more people on here.
Hey everyone!! Here is the testimony I promised y'all.. This isn't a testimony of how I met Jesus but it's my story of what I have learned about myself and my faith in God during these last few weeks of being almost completely bed-bound. First, I want to thank everyone who has prayed for me and sent me well-wishes. A big thank you to BurdenBarer4U, who's posted prayers and pics for me have given me great encouragement to get well.
Having to lay in bed for 11 days was no fun. I was literally stuck in one position the entire time: laying on my right side, with nothing to do but watch and rewatch dvd movies a hundred times over. BORING!! I was strong enough over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to get up and move around at last. Thank you Lord. However, I overdid it a bit and landed back in bed for 3 days. I was in bed over New Year' Eve and New Year's Day, which pretty much bummed me out. But I digress. Let me move on to what I have learned in the last few weeks.
I have learned that God is the closest to me when I'm ill or sick. Many times during the last few weeks, I have bawled out loud and begged him to heal me. I guess I expected instantaneous healing, which of course he doesn't always do. I got kind of arrogant with God, saying he could heal me if he wanted to but since he hadnt, he must not want to. I've learned I cant give God an ultimatum or a timeline. He will heal me in HIS own time, not in MINE. I have learned that my suffering is miniscule compared to the suffering that Jesus went through on the cross. In fact, my pain doesn't compare to the physical pain of some others here, such as Angela or Blain..
As great as my pain is, there's someone else out there whose pain is worse than mine. I have learned to give thanks to God for my pain, because it reminds me that one day soon I'll be doing handstands and cartwheels in heaven, without having any pain!! I have learned I'm only sick as long as I allow myself to be sick. I've had a rather lousy attitude towards being sick lately, but once I decided to "arise and walk", that I felt better mentally and physically and my appetite returned. I discovered that as long as I had the woe is me mentality, the more I suffered with pain, but once I decided to get up and move around, I felt better. A positive attitude during illness works wonders, it truly does. I forgot that for awhile. I have learned that "this too shall pass." There is a season for everything.
I have learned that you cant give up when hard times come along. You can only persevere through it until you see the light shining through at the other end. The other day I was in such pain I looked at my bottle of pain meds and contemplated how very easy it would be to take them all and be done with it. I know suicide isnt the answer, so please dont give me any lectures on it. You just have to muddle through the hard times and trust that everything will work out alright in the end. Jesus didn't say life would be easy, but that it would be worth all the hard, painful stuff we have to go through. I never imagined that at age 44, I would be so lame, decrepit and in so much pain.. I have learned that pain knows no age limits. I have become stronger throughout this ordeal, not just physically and mentally, but spiritually as well. My faith is stronger because of my pain. A prayer that BurdenBarer4U posted has stuck with me. It says that when you are ill, imagine yourself walking into a clean whole painfree body and it shall be done. Therefore, I keep picturing myself doing handstands and cartwheels and backflips in heaven's green fields.
I would like to thank everyone who reads this, and I hope it will bless and inspire you. I'd also like to thank several people who prayed for me and sent me get-well pms.. Thank you to SoulWeaver, butterfly712, tourist, JesusLives, psychomom, Blain, Baddog, elf3, dcontroversal, NewEagle, MadParrotWoman and Joidevivre, as well as any others I may have forgotten to mention. Your prayers have all helped me immensely. Thank you, I love you all and God bless each one of you. I am a ninja, I will survive!!
Okay, so here comes another chapter on what I have learned through my pain recently. I have learned that I do NOT know better than the doctors, or God, what is right for me to do right now. I try so hard to be independent on myself and MY will to heal myself, and it's done nothing but make me relapse. I was in the ER for the 3rd time week before last, and spent 3 days in the hospital. I am learning that to fully heal myself, I need to slow down, albeit unwillingly, and take baby steps right now toward regaining my full health back once again. I end my oral steroids today, and have an interim of the next two weeks until February 23rd, when I receive my 2nd back injection. If it doesn't work, my next and only option is surgery. I am currently on self-imposed bed rest, because I am determined not to jeopardize my health any further!! I sometimes joke about not wanting to live to see my next birthday of age 45, but in all seriousness, if I dont start making ALOT of changes right now, I won't be around for my birthday in October.
Anyone with chronic pain knows the torment of pinched back nerves, sciatica, and a herniated disk, which is all what's wrong with me right now. I am learning that I have to do this GOD'S way, not MY way. I am learning humility, and patience, and tolerance for others who are also in pain much worse than my own. I am learning to slow down and appreciate other people and what they are doing for me.. from my family who helps me out with groceries, to my neighbors, who graciously offered to take out my trash every day, and my Home Health nurses who visit every week and do exercises with me and try to make my life easier while I'm incapacitated.
I am learning of the infinite love Jesus has for me, and that he is always with me, even when I feel he doesn't hear my pleas for healing. I am indebted to all here on CC who have pmed me, prayed for me and wished me well. Your support means more to me and my recovery than you will ever realize, and I love and cherish you all. CC is my lifeline right now, in terms of being able to connect with everyone and receive, and also give support. I am even learning of the full, true, unconditional love of my cat, who has not let me out of her sight since I came home from the hospital. She watches me like a hawk, rides on my walker seat with me when I use it, and is a wonderful comfort to me when I am feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. It's been 3 months of hellish pain and suffering for me, and I often wonder how much longer I need to endure this, or even if I CAN endure this any longer.
My only answer to that is, the only thing I CAN do is endure through, because this too shall pass, and I will be healthy and whole once again real soon, with God's help. I may be down, but I'm not out!! Not by a long shot.. I have my friends here at CC, my faith in God, my humor and never-give-up will to pull me through whatever lays ahead. I am strong and I will survive..Please keep me in your prayers, thanks and God bless you all..
Here is another installment on what I have learned during my recent 4-month long bout with being incapacitated. My 2nd back injection was on February 23rd, and so far it is working very well.. A big part of why it is working so well is due to the fact that I was forced to slow down from going full speed ahead to tiny baby steps, and being on bedrest helped alot too, to keep the swelling of the herniated disc down.
Now that I'm finally pain-free after what seems like forever, this is what I have learned as I look back and reflect. I have learned that sometimes, we NEED to slow down and walk slowly, whether we are ill, or trying to make a major decison in our lives. All my life, I've been used to taking big strides, and my back (and God) forced me to revert to making baby steps for awhile. I'm the type of person who can't stand moving slowly, so I tried to keep taking big strides, and only harmed my health all the worse because I thought I knew what was best. I relapsed each time, until I finally accepted that in order to regain my health, and resume my life, I needed to do as God wanted and take baby steps.
I have learned that if you persevere long enough, your hardships WILL pass. It took nearly 4 months for my trial to pass, and I can finally glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel. I am every day making progress in my recovery, and getting closer to the sunshine in the land of health. I have learned that you need to trust God in any situation that comes your way. He alone can get you through anything. There were days of sheer agony that I cried out loud to him, begging him to rid me of this pain, and seemingly received no answer. God works in mysterious ways, definitely, but he also answers in HIS own time. In my foolish arrogance, I expected instant relief. I have learned that when illness falls upon you, you have to be pro-active and work with God to make yourself better. I have learned not to be so stubborn the next time I get ill. I have learned to listen when he speaks to me by intensifying or lessening my pain, both of which he did. Believe me, I learned some lessons the hard way during my time of being confined to bed. Lessons that I would not have learned without feeling such intense pain. God uses our pain to teach us lessons, most definitely.
I have learned that God's way is always best. Not my way, or the doctor's way. God is the great physician. He uses doctors to further his divine healing, but he also used me as an instrument in my own healing by making me pretty much crippled for 4 months, being able to do much of nothing but stay in bed and forcibly recuperate..Now he is using me in my recovery by providing nice days so I can get outside and walk around and regain the strength in my back and left leg, which is still very weak. I live in Vermont, and several times recently we were supposed to have gotten snowstorms and didn't, and instead received good weather and sunshine. I believe God allowed that for a reason, so that I could get on with my recovery.
This is my testimony of what I have learned through my pain, and ongoing recovery. To whoever reads this, I hope my story blesses you and inspires you to never give up. God bless you all.