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This Christmas I decided to take a drive knowing that it would be peaceful and traffic would be minimal. I was just driving in the quiet, no radio, just me and my thoughts. Now I have recently recommitted my life to Christ and have been asking him to help me be humble and a vessel. As I was driving I was lead to drive through my old neighborhood which began to bring back memories of being young. I had been in Church all of life until high school and had accepted Christ as a child, but before i had done so, I had accepeted the world. While I have always been different, and considered myself not easily persuaded, I begin to think of my life as a young child. Somehow, despite the teachings of Christ, I had given into so much sin. I had lost my innocence at a young age. I vaguely remember being molested by an older teen-aged relative who had some mental impairments. A series of other events and exposures helped to lead me down a path of sexual curiousity. By age twelve, I had lost my virginity to girls and had frequenly had sexual contact with other males. This led to an adidiction to masturbation which, up until a week ago, i struggled with up until adulthood. As I stated, I was always different. I was a smart and gifted kid when it came to school. I had been adopted so my parents were older. I was not allowed to hang out with the other kids in the neighborhood so I never quite fit in, even though I managed to make some friends. The sexual exploration led to me seeking more sexual attention from other males and females, but mostly males. By the time high school arrived, I knew that I liked sex and intamacy with males. However, I also knew that I was searching for more. I had never been accepted by my father, who was supposedly my biological father, but I still do not know if this is true as he passed when I was young. This lack of acceptance and my being different made me seek acceptance. While I was driving I begin to think about all of these palces I had had sex and how good it had felt in that moment. I though about how it felt good to be wanted by others. Then, I began to think about how those encouneters didn't mean anything and how wrong they were. I was being used by the devil. While I was in the life of homoesxuality, I was never fully involved in it to the extent that I wanted to date other males. I alway told myself that I would quit doing what I was doing, but years had passed and my promiscuity and curiousity heightened. I began to view porn which turned into a stong addiction that I though I would never overcome. For me, porn was safe. I would watch and be amazed and captivated by the deep intamacy that two men could share. They were masculine and attractive and could have anyone they wanted. They had no reason to lack confidence and they were there for my entertainment. I would feel so ashamed of my actions yet I would continue to participate in my sinful actions and this would sometime lead me to going online to meet up with an old fling or someone new and random. See the devil had told me early on that I was nothing, and despite all that God had given me, I still believed him. I thought I couldn't be anything, with each accomplishment, I felt lower and lower. I would pray to God and admit that I didn't desrve his blessings. I truly felt like nothing and worthless. I was and continue to struggle with eating problems, it was my second way of dealing with my feelings. This caused me to gain weight and make me feel ugly and helped to decrease my self worth. I had little success with girls sometime and when I did have success my lack of confidence and my feelings of guilt and inadequateness led to me feeling like I would be single forever. Thorughout my struggles I questioned God and asked him why he had cursed me. So many times I had prayed for him to rid me of my sexual impurities and has asked him to help me be a better man. One who is worthy of his blessings and grace. After recomitting my life to Christ I realized that I will never deserve the grace and mercy that God has given me. Since I have given my life to Christ, He has watched over me through it all. He has protected me from disease, danger, and going too far astray. Even when I would watch porn, a church song would always pop into my head and I would usually ignore it and begin to participate in my selfish actions, but God was still working with me. I am still a work in progress and still have so much on my heart, but one thing is for sure certain. God loves me, and he showed me that love through his son Jesus Christ who has saved me and given me a a chance at a new and eternal life. I thank Jesus for all that he has and is continuing to do for me in spite of myself.
