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santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#1
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#1
Hi All,

I just became the Music Minister at my new church, and today, my husband and I were visited by the husband of one of the Lay Ministers in the church. It was a very odd visit. This man came on the premise of trying to entice me to get involved in some local talent contest. I tried to explain to him that I'm a professional, and it would be unfair for me to compete against children and other amateurs, but he didn't seem to "get it." Then he started to "bad mouth" some other members of the church -- people that I'm sure he and his wife noticed we were starting to hang around. He also used a bit of vulgarity, bragged about how much farmland he owned and his own financial well-being, and wanted to know how much we paid for our house.

My hubby and I found all of this rather inappropriate. Not only was it not Christian behavior, but we think particularly bad seeing as he is the husband of a church leader.

Do you think I should bring this up to the pastor? I'm wondering if the man is ill (he's a bit elderly and may have dementia/Alzheimer's), or if he's just really exhibiting bad behavior.

Any thoughts/advice?
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#2
Jan 24, 2011
11,780
2,943
113
#2
I think you do need to talk to the lead pastor. I can't fathom anyone making a visit, and being vulgar and trying to find out your income, (based on your house) and bragging about his. I would do it as a matter of concern, especially when talking about the talent show, which you are not interested in being in, for more than one reason I am sure!

Would it be appropriate to volunteer to be a judge in the contest? That would get you out of the competition. I know I have been in a lot of churches, and I have never heard of an elder visit going like that.

Sort of a combo of rude and inappropriate. Praying you can resolve this, without having too many problems.
 
resurrection33

resurrection33

Banned
#3
Dec 19, 2009
27,513
128
0
71
#3
santuzza said:
Hi All,

I just became the Music Minister at my new church, and today, my husband and I were visited by the husband of one of the Lay Ministers in the church. It was a very odd visit. This man came on the premise of trying to entice me to get involved in some local talent contest. I tried to explain to him that I'm a professional, and it would be unfair for me to compete against children and other amateurs, but he didn't seem to "get it." Then he started to "bad mouth" some other members of the church -- people that I'm sure he and his wife noticed we were starting to hang around. He also used a bit of vulgarity, bragged about how much farmland he owned and his own financial well-being, and wanted to know how much we paid for our house.

My hubby and I found all of this rather inappropriate. Not only was it not Christian behavior, but we think particularly bad seeing as he is the husband of a church leader.

Do you think I should bring this up to the pastor? I'm wondering if the man is ill (he's a bit elderly and may have dementia/Alzheimer's), or if he's just really exhibiting bad behavior.

Any thoughts/advice?
Click to expand...
If he is causing a problem, then it might be right to discuss this with your pastor.
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#4
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#4
The talent show he was talking about is NOT a church-related event -- it's in some other towns in the area, and he kept talking about the money I could win in these contests. It's just not appropriate for me to compete against kids -- I'm a trained professional, I have a Doctorate in Music -- I just can't do that. And he just didn't get it.
 
hornetguy

hornetguy

Senior Member
#5
Jan 18, 2016
6,636
1,391
113
#5
Why would you talk to the pastor? Is he one of the elder/overseers? Does your church have elder/overseers? I would discuss it with some of the spiritual leaders of the church.. leave the pastor alone so he can work on getting his sermon ready for next Sunday..
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#6
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#6
Why would you talk to the pastor? Is he one of the elder/overseers? Does your church have elder/overseers? I would discuss it with some of the spiritual leaders of the church.. leave the pastor alone so he can work on getting his sermon ready for next Sunday..
Click to expand...
No, as far as I know, there are not any elders/overseers. I think it's important to talk to the pastor because I am in leadership in the church, and the visitor I had was the husband of another person in leadership in the church. If this were just some random person in the church, I might look elsewhere, but because it involves leadership, I feel I need to talk to the pastor.
 
resurrection33

resurrection33

Banned
#7
Dec 19, 2009
27,513
128
0
71
#7
santuzza said:
The talent show he was talking about is NOT a church-related event -- it's in some other towns in the area, and he kept talking about the money I could win in these contests. It's just not appropriate for me to compete against kids -- I'm a trained professional, I have a Doctorate in Music -- I just can't do that. And he just didn't get it.
Click to expand...
If he is causing problems, I would bring this to the attention of the church. If he is just an unpleasant person, I would keep it to myself and avoid the fellow.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#8
#8
Well, you just put that question in a very non-judgmental, unassuming way; if you can approach the head pastor or someone like that and put it in that way, awesome. One thing I'm wondering though, you said he was the husband of an overseer, if he doesn't have any direct authority over people in the church (any more than any other member), is it a big issue? What does your husband think?

You were in this presumably unpleasant situation, and could have blasted this guy when you told us about him, but you didn't. That is very commendable, and (I think) unusual in this day and age; thank you for showing true christian character. :)
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#9
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#9
Thank you so much, Tinuviel! I'm so often called judgmental because I have high standards, it's nice to hear that I am reasonable after all! LOL

My husband also thought his behavior was inappropriate and he thought something should be said to the pastor. I'm really wondering, more than anything, if he's ill and everybody knows it except us because we are so new here. His behavior is really easy to dismiss if I know he is ill. Otherwise, I think somebody should talk to him. I should also state that Hubby and I have found that this church has a REAL problem with gossip, and I can't help but feel he was stopping by to gather some more fodder for the gossip mill.
 
T

Tinuviel

Guest
#10
#10
santuzza said:
Thank you so much, Tinuviel! I'm so often called judgmental because I have high standards, it's nice to hear that I am reasonable after all! LOL

My husband also thought his behavior was inappropriate and he thought something should be said to the pastor. I'm really wondering, more than anything, if he's ill and everybody knows it except us because we are so new here. His behavior is really easy to dismiss if I know he is ill. Otherwise, I think somebody should talk to him. I should also state that Hubby and I have found that this church has a REAL problem with gossip, and I can't help but feel he was stopping by to gather some more fodder for the gossip mill.
Click to expand...
You're welcome!

I guess it wouldn't hurt to talk to the pastor; if the man has some sort on illness, I would assume the pastor would know, and if he doesn't have that kind of problem, it might need to be addressed.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#11
Mar 13, 2014
41,300
16,294
113
69
Tennessee
#11
santuzza said:
Hi All,

I just became the Music Minister at my new church, and today, my husband and I were visited by the husband of one of the Lay Ministers in the church. It was a very odd visit. This man came on the premise of trying to entice me to get involved in some local talent contest. I tried to explain to him that I'm a professional, and it would be unfair for me to compete against children and other amateurs, but he didn't seem to "get it." Then he started to "bad mouth" some other members of the church -- people that I'm sure he and his wife noticed we were starting to hang around. He also used a bit of vulgarity, bragged about how much farmland he owned and his own financial well-being, and wanted to know how much we paid for our house.

My hubby and I found all of this rather inappropriate. Not only was it not Christian behavior, but we think particularly bad seeing as he is the husband of a church leader.

Do you think I should bring this up to the pastor? I'm wondering if the man is ill (he's a bit elderly and may have dementia/Alzheimer's), or if he's just really exhibiting bad behavior.

Any thoughts/advice?
Click to expand...
I think the guy's off his rocker. I would let the incident slide. If in the future he exhibits inappropriate behavior I would talk to the pastor.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#12
#12
santuzza said:
Thank you so much, Tinuviel! I'm so often called judgmental because I have high standards, it's nice to hear that I am reasonable after all! LOL

My husband also thought his behavior was inappropriate and he thought something should be said to the pastor. I'm really wondering, more than anything, if he's ill and everybody knows it except us because we are so new here. His behavior is really easy to dismiss if I know he is ill. Otherwise, I think somebody should talk to him. I should also state that Hubby and I have found that this church has a REAL problem with gossip, and I can't help but feel he was stopping by to gather some more fodder for the gossip mill.
Click to expand...

Is there someone else you can ask if this man has a health or mental issue before you go to the pastor?If not,go to the pastor,that's the reason he's there. A good pastor is always open to speak to his congregants.
 
S

SparkleEyes

Senior Member
#13
Mar 23, 2013
771
21
18
#13
santuzza said:
No, as far as I know, there are not any elders/overseers. I think it's important to talk to the pastor because I am in leadership in the church, and the visitor I had was the husband of another person in leadership in the church. If this were just some random person in the church, I might look elsewhere, but because it involves leadership, I feel I need to talk to the pastor.
Click to expand...
No Elders or overseers????????? OMGoodness. Every church needs some sort of group leadership. The pastor MUST have some sort of panel to whom he is accountable.

I would RUN from this church if the pastor has no governing board.
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#14
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#14
SparkleEyes,

There is a board of sorts, but I'm not 100% sure how it works -- it's a denomination I'm really unfamiliar with. There is a hierarchy above him, so it's not like there is nobody overseeing. And I'm REALLY concerned about the gossip factor here -- if I go to the local board -- I think his wife might be on it? Kind of a messy situation.
 
S

SparkleEyes

Senior Member
#15
Mar 23, 2013
771
21
18
#15
santuzza said:
SparkleEyes,

There is a board of sorts, but I'm not 100% sure how it works -- it's a denomination I'm really unfamiliar with. There is a hierarchy above him, so it's not like there is nobody overseeing. And I'm REALLY concerned about the gossip factor here -- if I go to the local board -- I think his wife might be on it? Kind of a messy situation.
Click to expand...
Sounds messy. Be careful! :eek:
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#16
#16
santuzza said:
Hi All,

I just became the Music Minister at my new church, and today, my husband and I were visited by the husband of one of the Lay Ministers in the church. It was a very odd visit. This man came on the premise of trying to entice me to get involved in some local talent contest. I tried to explain to him that I'm a professional, and it would be unfair for me to compete against children and other amateurs, but he didn't seem to "get it." Then he started to "bad mouth" some other members of the church -- people that I'm sure he and his wife noticed we were starting to hang around. He also used a bit of vulgarity, bragged about how much farmland he owned and his own financial well-being, and wanted to know how much we paid for our house.

My hubby and I found all of this rather inappropriate. Not only was it not Christian behavior, but we think particularly bad seeing as he is the husband of a church leader.

Do you think I should bring this up to the pastor? I'm wondering if the man is ill (he's a bit elderly and may have dementia/Alzheimer's), or if he's just really exhibiting bad behavior.

Any thoughts/advice?
Click to expand...
Did you try talking to him first? (Not saying you didn't. You just didn't tell what happened.) The Bible says to talk to the bro, and if he doesn't listen take a couple of bros with you. If he still doesn't listen, then take it to elders. If I offend, I'd rather someone just tell me first.
 
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