..... from one of my favorite books.
As Nehemiah demonstrates [in his wall building], powerful boundaries are important because they reinforce our value to other people. Yet not all boundaries are healthy (as most of us have observed in the lives of people we know). Based on the four communication styles we discussed in the last chapter, we can see that there are essentially two ways in which powerless people handle boundaries: passively and aggressively.
Aggressive people have mile-high barbed wire security boundaries around their hearts; based on fear, they indiscriminately exclude everyone from their inner lives (as we discussed earlier). The opposite approach manifests in passive people who lack boundaries and allow others to control them. Such people have done an excellent job communicating the fact that they don’t value themselves; thus, others treat them with disrespect. Clearly, neither of these demonstrates healthy, powerful communication.
The healthy approach to boundaries is found in the Assertive communication style, which values both self and others. While passive people disrespect themselves (a lack of boundaries) and aggressive people disrespect others (extreme boundaries), assertive people respect both themselves and others by creating boundaries that facilitate healthy interaction. Because of these boundaries, no one plays control games, and genuine vulnerability and connection are fostered.
The Assertive communication style works well when both people are committed to it, but what happens when an assertive person dialogues with someone living in one of the unhealthy and powerless communication styles?
That is when the value of healthy boundaries comes into focus. One helpful definition of the word boundaries could be “parameters,” which carries with it the connotation of “knowing your limits.” People of self-control know their personal parameters, the constraints in which they have chosen to operate. They have chosen them based on righteousness and personal preference. These parameters cannot be moved or crossed, but they also are not going to electrocute anyone who touches them.
For example, imagine you, as a powerful man, have decided that you do not like and never want to eat hot dogs. However, one day you’re grilling with a good buddy, and he whips out a pack of hot dogs and begins to pressure you into eating one. He knows you don’t like them, but he has decided that he wants to strong-arm you into eating one as a joke. He’s not trying to be malicious, but because of his lack of self-control and respect, he is attempting to violate your boundaries and undermine your powerfulness.
So how would you respond? Would you passively give in and eat one, even while inside you feel resentful, violated, and powerless? Or perhaps you would aggressively react, belligerently standing your ground and saying something like, “Man, leave me alone. You’re always trying to tell me what to do.”
If your buddy is an aggressive person, such an exchange could escalate into yelling or scuffling or storming away. Though in this scenario you hold your ground about the hot dogs, you still react in a powerless way by allowing your buddy to control your emotional response—and you disrespect him through accusation.
Rather, the powerful response would sound something like, “Hey, man, I don’t eat hot dogs. You’re welcome to eat one if you’d like. I, however, am aiming for that big, juicy steak.”
Notice here that you don’t tell your buddy what to do (“leave me alone”) or blame-shift (“you’re always telling me what to do”). You simply tell him what you are doing and what you are not doing, which communicates that you are in control of yourself and you know it. If your buddy persists in harassing you, as a powerful man you will kindly tell him that he can drop it and stay, or he can take his hot dogs elsewhere.
Situations like this help you analyze what level of connection you want to have with certain people and how high your walls need to be around them. The more persistently people try to violate your self-control, the higher your walls are. But it is important to distinguish that these walls are not an excuse to be rude or to lash out in anger. Your walls are for the purpose of telling other people what you will do; they are not for the purpose of telling them what they should do or what’s wrong with them. Your boundaries protect your self-control and prevent destructive people from entering your inner world, while also providing an environment for healthy relationships.
Jesus demonstrated this in His earthly relationships. Though He loved everyone and treated everyone with respect, He maintained various levels of relationship with different groups of people. John, “the disciple Jesus loved,” was His closest friend (see John 13:23). Peter and James joined John as members of Jesus’ inner circle (see Matt. 17:1; Mark 5:37; 14:33). Next were the 12 disciples, then the 70 whom He commissioned in ministry (see Luke 10:1-12), and then the 120 who faithfully followed Him during His ministry, becoming the first members of the Church after Pentecost (see Acts 1:15).
Jesus’ exchange with His followers after the return to the 70 clearly demonstrates this dynamic:
The seventy returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in Your name.” And He said to them, “I was watching Satan fall from heaven like lightning.…”
At that very time He rejoiced greatly in the Holy Spirit, and said, “I praise You, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and intelligent and have revealed them to infants. Yes, Father, for this way was well-pleasing in Your sight. All things have been handed over to Me by My Father, and no one knows who the Son is except the Father, and who the Father is except the Son, and anyone to whom the Son wills to reveal Him.”
Turning to the disciples, He said privately, “Blessed are the eyes which see the things you see, for I say to you, that many prophets and kings wished to see the things which you see, and did not see them, and to hear the things which you hear, and did not hear them” (Luke 10:17-18;21-24 NASB).
I want to highlight two aspects of this passage. First, Jesus said that He gets to choose those to whom He will reveal the nature and character of God. From this we can conclude that the more intimately we know Jesus, the more He shares with us. We are all invited into relationship with God, but not all of us are privy to His secrets.
Second, in the midst of teaching the 70, Jesus pulled aside the 12 to privately share something with them that He did not choose to share with the whole group. Jesus was assertive enough to set boundaries, which is how powerful people maintain value for themselves.
As Nehemiah demonstrates [in his wall building], powerful boundaries are important because they reinforce our value to other people. Yet not all boundaries are healthy (as most of us have observed in the lives of people we know). Based on the four communication styles we discussed in the last chapter, we can see that there are essentially two ways in which powerless people handle boundaries: passively and aggressively.
Aggressive people have mile-high barbed wire security boundaries around their hearts; based on fear, they indiscriminately exclude everyone from their inner lives (as we discussed earlier). The opposite approach manifests in passive people who lack boundaries and allow others to control them. Such people have done an excellent job communicating the fact that they don’t value themselves; thus, others treat them with disrespect. Clearly, neither of these demonstrates healthy, powerful communication.
The healthy approach to boundaries is found in the Assertive communication style, which values both self and others. While passive people disrespect themselves (a lack of boundaries) and aggressive people disrespect others (extreme boundaries), assertive people respect both themselves and others by creating boundaries that facilitate healthy interaction. Because of these boundaries, no one plays control games, and genuine vulnerability and connection are fostered.
The Assertive communication style works well when both people are committed to it, but what happens when an assertive person dialogues with someone living in one of the unhealthy and powerless communication styles?
That is when the value of healthy boundaries comes into focus. One helpful definition of the word boundaries could be “parameters,” which carries with it the connotation of “knowing your limits.” People of self-control know their personal parameters, the constraints in which they have chosen to operate. They have chosen them based on righteousness and personal preference. These parameters cannot be moved or crossed, but they also are not going to electrocute anyone who touches them.
For example, imagine you, as a powerful man, have decided that you do not like and never want to eat hot dogs. However, one day you’re grilling with a good buddy, and he whips out a pack of hot dogs and begins to pressure you into eating one. He knows you don’t like them, but he has decided that he wants to strong-arm you into eating one as a joke. He’s not trying to be malicious, but because of his lack of self-control and respect, he is attempting to violate your boundaries and undermine your powerfulness.
So how would you respond? Would you passively give in and eat one, even while inside you feel resentful, violated, and powerless? Or perhaps you would aggressively react, belligerently standing your ground and saying something like, “Man, leave me alone. You’re always trying to tell me what to do.”
If your buddy is an aggressive person, such an exchange could escalate into yelling or scuffling or storming away. Though in this scenario you hold your ground about the hot dogs, you still react in a powerless way by allowing your buddy to control your emotional response—and you disrespect him through accusation.
Rather, the powerful response would sound something like, “Hey, man, I don’t eat hot dogs. You’re welcome to eat one if you’d like. I, however, am aiming for that big, juicy steak.”
Notice here that you don’t tell your buddy what to do (“leave me alone”) or blame-shift (“you’re always telling me what to do”). You simply tell him what you are doing and what you are not doing, which communicates that you are in control of yourself and you know it. If your buddy persists in harassing you, as a powerful man you will kindly tell him that he can drop it and stay, or he can take his hot dogs elsewhere.
Situations like this help you analyze what level of connection you want to have with certain people and how high your walls need to be around them. The more persistently people try to violate your self-control, the higher your walls are. But it is important to distinguish that these walls are not an excuse to be rude or to lash out in anger. Your walls are for the purpose of telling other people what you will do; they are not for the purpose of telling them what they should do or what’s wrong with them. Your boundaries protect your self-control and prevent destructive people from entering your inner world, while also providing an environment for healthy relationships.
Jesus demonstrated this in His earthly relationships. Though He loved everyone and treated everyone with respect, He maintained various levels of relationship with different groups of people. John, “the disciple Jesus loved,” was His closest friend (see John 13:23). Peter and James joined John as members of Jesus’ inner circle (see Matt. 17:1; Mark 5:37; 14:33). Next were the 12 disciples, then the 70 whom He commissioned in ministry (see Luke 10:1-12), and then the 120 who faithfully followed Him during His ministry, becoming the first members of the Church after Pentecost (see Acts 1:15).
Jesus’ exchange with His followers after the return to the 70 clearly demonstrates this dynamic:
The seventy returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in Your name.” And He said to them, “I was watching Satan fall from heaven like lightning.…”
At that very time He rejoiced greatly in the Holy Spirit, and said, “I praise You, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and intelligent and have revealed them to infants. Yes, Father, for this way was well-pleasing in Your sight. All things have been handed over to Me by My Father, and no one knows who the Son is except the Father, and who the Father is except the Son, and anyone to whom the Son wills to reveal Him.”
Turning to the disciples, He said privately, “Blessed are the eyes which see the things you see, for I say to you, that many prophets and kings wished to see the things which you see, and did not see them, and to hear the things which you hear, and did not hear them” (Luke 10:17-18;21-24 NASB).
I want to highlight two aspects of this passage. First, Jesus said that He gets to choose those to whom He will reveal the nature and character of God. From this we can conclude that the more intimately we know Jesus, the more He shares with us. We are all invited into relationship with God, but not all of us are privy to His secrets.
Second, in the midst of teaching the 70, Jesus pulled aside the 12 to privately share something with them that He did not choose to share with the whole group. Jesus was assertive enough to set boundaries, which is how powerful people maintain value for themselves.
