My brain and his brain.

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Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#1
Today I asked my Husband when he was going to lunch and if he would mind if the dog and met him somewhere? He told me that he'd let me know. So he called me this morning and I said we'd meet him there. I'm not familiar with the place and I was confused trying to find it. I pulled over and sent hi a text and said, I can't find this place. Wait a couple minutes, no response. I call, speakerphone, no answer. So I drive and look. I couldn't find it. I call again and again no answer. I was not mad but sad that he wouldn't even call to see where I was. I was hurt, I love him but often times he just does the things like not check and see if I'm okay when late or think about turning his phone on when we're supposed to do something or meet.

Also it's always me who plans for us to do something. Like a movie or dinner out something like that. He doesn't take the initiative. He doesn't find the sitter. It's all me. One time he came into my laundromat job and I was going to close in a couple of minutes. The parking lot is dark the neighborhood is sketchy and I get nervous when I go to my car. He was just going to go, he wasn't going to wait for me. I'm his wife, doesn't he care that I might get mugged? I have talked to him about it, but today just royally ticked me off. I finally found the place. I pull up and by this time I looked like crap because I had been crying. So I motion for to come over because there were two of coworkers and I didn't want them to see me. His friend comes over and he didn't recognize me, so asks me what I need, I said, Dave. He apologized and said I'm sorry I didn't recognize your car Jen, I said that's ok. So he comes over and I said, I couldn't find the place I be been calling you for 20 minutes. I didn't yell I was just crying. He said, oh sorry my phone is in the truck. I asked, did you not wonder if I was coming? He said well yeah. I took the dog out of the car and gave her some water and just sat there. His friends and him talked for a couple of minutes, then they had to go and it was just him and I. He said, it's nice out today, I said, yeah it is. I wasn't rude, I was hurt and frankly shocked and tired of feeling like I'm not important enough for him to pick up his damn phone and find out if I'm dead or alive.

I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, but it does hurt me when he does that. I honestly felt like he didn't want me there so he avoided the phone. It's been 17 years of me being the one to ask to spend time alone together. 17 years of me asking. 17 years of feeling rejected in this sense. 17 years of him getting mad when I feel like this. I didn't put this in the ladies forum because I want a mans perspective. I forgot about the family forum and I just don't want to type this all over again.

He's a very laid back person, I get that, he's a good Dad and a good provider and I love him. But I'm so tired of hurting about this. Am I overreacting?
 
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AuntieAnt

Guest
#2
Awwwww, I'm sad for you. 17 years of that has to be difficult.

Have you two ever gone to counseling or a Christian couples retreat? Perhaps your husband just never learned how to show that type of caring. I know whenever I was crying and disappointed in my husband, he felt humiliated and hurt. It was tough sometimes to communicate our hurts to each other. We really had to be merciful and gentle with one another because we both came from a life of heartbreak and abuse.

Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I pray you and your husband work it out with love and joy. **Hugs & Blessings** to you, dear!

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ladylynn

Guest
#3
No one ever tells you about marriage when you are in your 40s is a rough time for both husband and wife. When you are in your 40s., the kids are teens and even going off on their own as adults. This time in a marriage is one of the toughest. I never knew that until it happened to us and after it happened to us.

Like you, I was so hurt by my husband of 27 years and his lack of concern. He was more attentive when we were younger. (When I was younger) I felt a lot of things and thought a lot of things. I thought after all these years he would be different.,would especially have A CLUE. Why did I always have to tell him obvious things?

I thought we would be in love like we always were but it felt he stopped caring. And he did stop actively caring and showing he cared. A woman's hurt can cause her to do stupid things. And a man's stupidity can cause him to do stupid things.



Let me say this if no one has ever told you Fenner. Marriage in your 40s is harder than any other time.
It's the time in life when our kids are adults., when we are re examining our life and when we see things are not the way we thought and planned they would be by this time in life. Promises that were made years before are not kept and us not doing anything about it. There comes a feeling of time escaping us.

But in reality it's not those things. It's just another stage in marriage that has to be worked through like the other stages in marriage we were told about. In our case, we were never told about it and were totally unprepared for the hurt and disappointment with each other.

At that confusing time in our marriage, our son also went to Iraq and was injured making the need for each other all the more devastating. The disappointment and sadness of thinking you are not loved can be overwhelming. The things you think you know and found out (or thought you found out) that you never expected to ever come to can actually overwhelm a person mentally and physically.

So when a marriage is going through such stuff, the couple needs each other all the more and has each other all the less. Actively pulling together or simply staying together (no matter what) is the answer. Knowing your battle is not rare and that in fact it is common in our 40s will help.

Once you get through this time (and it can be a few years) and learn yet another and more lessons and truths about each other and God., it is smooth sailing from there. Life gets back on track and you both will be closer for it. satan will try to take advantage at this time and we have to be wise to this.

Hang in there and don't let go. Even if your husband is a block head for a while. Sit tight and never consider leaving. No matter how hurt you are there is change on the way it takes time and sometimes just simple gritting your teeth. I've learned there are feelings and there are facts. Facts and feelings are sometimes very different things. God bless you and keep you wise and aware.
:)
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#4
Thank you Auntie Anne and Lady Lynn, I'm really glad you both responded. Sound wisdom from two people who have been there. My kids are 10 and 11 so there still young. I felt really rejected today. Like he just didn't want me there. I doubt that's true, I don't think he thought about having his phone on. He's not a very emotional person and I know that. I don't get offended by it and I just want to feel like I'm important to him.

We did go to counseling together one time and the man had us fill out a questionaire about our marriage and then we sat there for forty five minutes. It was ridiculous. I found a psychologist that helped me a lot. He suggested my Husband and I come in together for a couple of sessions. I talked to him about it and he was so against it. Oh he's just going to let you say whatever you want and blah blah blah. I said, that's not how it works. Plus I don't do that. I don't verbally assault anyone. I was fed up and didn't bring it up again.

We usually get a long very well but a couple of weeks something happened and I was angry with him. He sometimes can be so insensitive to our children. My Son had a few friends over for his birthday and he, his friends and my Daughter were in the pool. Dave was outside watching them. I could hear my Daughter being dramatic and bossy, so Dave told her she needed to get out of the pool and settle down, I agreed with him. She comes in the house and starts saying that he told her to get out and she was mad. I talked to her really calmly and said, I heard you out there Olivia. You weren't being very nice to your Brother and his friends. She calmed down and said she wanted to go back in and asked if I'd go in there with her? I said yes. So as I'm walking out she comes in the house crying and said that when she went out her Dad said, oh here she comes to ruin the fun again. I told her that I was sorry he said that and I'd talk to him. I asked him if said that? He said, yeah, well she was being rude before and whatever else. I said Dave she's 9 you're 48, that's hurtful. She's a kid, I talked to her about. I was mad and said don't talk to her like that again. I was angry and he was mad at me. I won't let him to my kids like that. He thinks it's tough love. I think it's psychologically damaging.

His Dad could be very insensitive about stuff and it used to make him angry. Well that Apple didn't fall far from the tree. I guess after this afternoon I'm angry at him and I'm trying not to say anything that I will regret, to him or even on here.


I just don't want to look at him when he comes home. I don't want to talk to him right now. I feel very drained and I haven't felt this way in a long time. I honestly don't think he cares how he made me feel. He won't understand that it would have been nice for him to be sure I was okay. I guess he just doesn't care. I honestly don't even know why I bother trying with him anymore. I'm done. I have to do what I have to do for my kid's and I know there are marriages that have much deeper problems then this. But today I'm spent. I'm finished asking if he wants to do something. I'm not planning anymore. He can sit on his butt at home and watch Netflix and when I feel like going out I'll call a friend or by myself. I might as well, I'm obviously not wanted and alone anyhow so I should make the best of it. I would never cheat on him and God knows I don't want to go through this crap again.

Sorry just a very bad day.
 

Joidevivre

Senior Member
Jul 15, 2014
3,838
271
83
#5
How I got through over 50 years of marriage is to quit expecting things. I learned to drop my expectations for if they are not met, bitterness sets in and takes root. Whenever I felt that happening, I would confess my bitterness and ask the Holy Spirit to remove the root of it. I also took the "yoke" off of my husband that was the cause of this bitterness. I made a choice to accept what he could give me and what he could not. All of this was done in prayer. God answered me with a sense of the rightness in this choice and peace followed.

You husband's spirit will feel this freedom, and eventually respond to it. The ONLY One who will ever meet all of your needs is Christ, himself, and you will discover this when you set your husband free.

Allow him to not be perfect, to not "get it" all the time, to not understand you completely. This is mercy at it's highest calling.

Your husband will not only be blessed, but will in turn someday bless you richly with his words of love.

Just love him.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#6
Sometimes you have to consider perspective. Women in general tend to see certain behaviors as hurtful while men don't see it the same way. You find offense that he isn't checking on you, while he may be thinking 'she's running late I'm sure'. His first instinct isn't 'I better check on her'. This doesn't mean he doesn't care, it just mean his brain didn't go that route. Different people handle situations differently and it will make your life easier to realize that just because you find something hurtful doesn't mean the other person sees it the same way. Sure, it's good to express how you feel and hope to change things. But you can't force a person to understand your perspective.
And some people simply don't have the capacity to understand. My ex did not have the capacity to be sympathetic to physical problems she hadn't experienced. Even big ones. She lacked that ability. No amount of explaining or discussing it with her made sense to her and she would become irritated, much like how your husband sounds.
Also it's not an uncommon complaint from married women that their husband doesn't make plans. If he used to, and quit, then he needs something to smack some sense into him. This can vary from man to man. Some men respond to another man they respect telling them. Others require something bigger.
If he's never been one to plan such things, then it makes no sense to expect him to change who he is.

If if he is otherwise a good husband, besides these two issues, then perhaps it's time to learn to respond to his ways of expression, instead of looking for him to do yours. The whole 5 Love Languages idea. But if he's one that is like this in all areas of your marriage then that would be a different discussion.
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
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#7
Today I asked my Husband when he was going to lunch and if he would mind if the dog and met him somewhere? He told me that he'd let me know. So he called me this morning and I said we'd meet him there. I'm not familiar with the place and I was confused trying to find it. I pulled over and sent hi a text and said, I can't find this place. Wait a couple minutes, no response. I call, speakerphone, no answer. So I drive and look. I couldn't find it. I call again and again no answer. I was not mad but sad that he wouldn't even call to see where I was. I was hurt, I love him but often times he just does the things like not check and see if I'm okay when late or think about turning his phone on when we're supposed to do something or meet.

Also it's always me who plans for us to do something. Like a movie or dinner out something like that. He doesn't take the initiative. He doesn't find the sitter. It's all me. One time he came into my laundromat job and I was going to close in a couple of minutes. The parking lot is dark the neighborhood is sketchy and I get nervous when I go to my car. He was just going to go, he wasn't going to wait for me. I'm his wife, doesn't he care that I might get mugged? I have talked to him about it, but today just royally ticked me off. I finally found the place. I pull up and by this time I looked like crap because I had been crying. So I motion for to come over because there were two of coworkers and I didn't want them to see me. His friend comes over and he didn't recognize me, so asks me what I need, I said, Dave. He apologized and said I'm sorry I didn't recognize your car Jen, I said that's ok. So he comes over and I said, I couldn't find the place I be been calling you for 20 minutes. I didn't yell I was just crying. He said, oh sorry my phone is in the truck. I asked, did you not wonder if I was coming? He said well yeah. I took the dog out of the car and gave her some water and just sat there. His friends and him talked for a couple of minutes, then they had to go and it was just him and I. He said, it's nice out today, I said, yeah it is. I wasn't rude, I was hurt and frankly shocked and tired of feeling like I'm not important enough for him to pick up his damn phone and find out if I'm dead or alive.

I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, but it does hurt me when he does that. I honestly felt like he didn't want me there so he avoided the phone. It's been 17 years of me being the one to ask to spend time alone together. 17 years of me asking. 17 years of feeling rejected in this sense. 17 years of him getting mad when I feel like this. I didn't put this in the ladies forum because I want a mans perspective. I forgot about the family forum and I just don't want to type this all over again.

He's a very laid back person, I get that, he's a good Dad and a good provider and I love him. But I'm so tired of hurting about this. Am I overreacting?
So sorry you have to deal with that Jen. Believe it or not I've found that its very common for men to be like that. Like they can be completely inconsiderate but otherwise be normal, decent people. I don't know how men can be that way. I am the opposite. I'm always worried about other people's feelings. Maybe that's why women aren't attracted to me, because it makes me come across as "too nice" or weak...

Anyway.... yea a lot of men are like unknowingly inconsiderate. I even know someone who divorced because her husband wouldn't lift a finger to help around the house, but at the same time he was the one making the most money and he made very good money too.. So I don't know what the answer here is. Just thought you should know that I've found it to be a pretty common problem among men.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#8
How I got through over 50 years of marriage is to quit expecting things. I learned to drop my expectations for if they are not met, bitterness sets in and takes root. Whenever I felt that happening, I would confess my bitterness and ask the Holy Spirit to remove the root of it. I also took the "yoke" off of my husband that was the cause of this bitterness. I made a choice to accept what he could give me and what he could not. All of this was done in prayer. God answered me with a sense of the rightness in this choice and peace followed.

You husband's spirit will feel this freedom, and eventually respond to it. The ONLY One who will ever meet all of your needs is Christ, himself, and you will discover this when you set your husband free.

Allow him to not be perfect, to not "get it" all the time, to not understand you completely. This is mercy at it's highest calling.

Your husband will not only be blessed, but will in turn someday bless you richly with his words of love.

Just love him.

Thank you, I've been working on this and been doing well for a long time. I don't expect a whole lot from anyone. I'm really hurting right now and just keeping my mouth shut because I don't want to say anything I'll regret in anger or pain.

I really wish I could just go somewhere alone for a while but I don't think that would help. I keep praying that God snaps me out of this today. And I know I won't feel this crummy in a day or two. I have a good marriage in a lot of ways.

The he human part of me wants him to go out of his way to show he cares sometimes. I know he has his ways, but sometimes you need to hear it. I need him to show more affection to our kid's too. He can be very cold sometimes. When he's like that I see his Dad. Even his Mother has commented on his smart mouth sometimes. I'll keep praying.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#9
Thank you Zero and Ugly, I appreciate your insight on things. Zero my Husband really for the most part is considerate. He just doesn't get that not saying hey I care or I worry or I'm going to pick up the phone when you're supposed to meet me and your late and you're personality wouldn't just not show up. He knows me, he knows I'm on time. I don't like to be late. He knows I don't not show up. I think that's what bothers me. He didn't think for five seconds to check his phone to see if there was a problem. If the tables were turned I would've called him and he knows it.

This isn't the first time he's done this and then been like, oh yeah sorry, nice day out. I find that to be very poor manners. The only women who don't want considerate men who think of other's feelings are stupid one's. It's not weak to show consideration to people it's good. I guess some people think it's good to show everyone else but your wife consideration and then be a phony about so the whole wide world thinks you fart rainbows. Lol, sorry just had add some sort of humor.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
55,247
25,714
113
#10
I really wish I could just go somewhere alone for a while but I don't think that would help.
I think you are right, there. I am sorry to hear you are hurting so much, and feeling unappreciated by your husband. It sounds like you need to have better communication, including areas involving the children. For instance, when you daughter was acting up at the pool with her brother and his friends, hubby could have consulted with you, regarding the appropriate timeout for your daughter. Likewise, if you had consulted with him about whether her time out had been sufficient. No sassy hurtful talk. It is always so much easier to see these things as an outsider and much more difficult to implement them, seeing as how it seems painstaking, and yet the painstaking is to avoid causing anyone any pain :) Of course, it is a common complaint of women that men don't communicate to their liking :p
 

mar09

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2014
4,927
1,259
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#11
hi jen, just to let u know i was here, and would have wanted to chat more, but i am looking at the watch and have mins. before leaving (again) and did not really know what to be saying! i can only say i can identify, altho in our case it is hubby who says i have no initiative-(. sure i have ideas, but as i said somewhere, we are just so different, and often nothing matches. we both think and say we are simple, in the sense that we do not like elaborate meals or clothes, for ex., and so are supposed to be not xpecting much from each other when it comes to that (as joie says), but in reality, there are so many small details we could not seem to agree with or see eye to eye. of kors we let some things pass, but at the same time some things remain as irritants like a pebble in ur shoe?! i know it has some to do w/ communication skills, for i am not a very talky person, but when i do, he says there are things i say i shouldnt, and even some sarcasm wc i know is bad. i think that came out of frustration bec. i wasnt able to gt things across the first, 2nd, and nth time abt something.

so, i am here, and this gets to mind now, so guess i would be mentioning now. there were times i could not speak what was inside and i wud cry silently, like even when we slept side by side but he never knew i was crying. and that was many yrs ago. then i recall a time i was coughing so bad, a teacher sat beside me in class (yes, beside me!) but never said a thing, like do u need to drink or be excused or something... anything. see, its a self pity thing, but at the same time u think u wish someone thot or cared enof to ask or know what the matter was-).

anyway, like u said also there are things i'd have wantd to post in a 'Marrieds' forum mostly to ask, but theres a teens, a singles, and family forum, but not necessarily one where u want to talk not really w/ teens for some reason (altho those who post here often seem to have insight and wise for their age). Or just to ladies, bec. yes, the ladies forum seems to be a not so visited place, and marriage is both the husband and wife's perspectives so it is impt both have some input from their side.

hope u get this figured out soon, and better yet talk it over w/ hubby. but dont be carrying baggage for 18 yrs if u can, as i did bec. its harder to bring across something when u let it pass by for or after so long. God bless.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#12
I did talk to him. I do feel better. He actually talked to me without shutting down so that was good.
I think we both have a clear idea of what the other is thinking. Which is not normal for us. I do think I'm going to look for a marriage counselor and get some help here.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#13
I wanted to add, Dave , Husband, is a very nice person. I was mad and hurt. I try not let my emotions get the best of me. But I do hold things in and that's not good either. He said he felt bad because he was so glad to see me. I was actually surprised, honestly he never expresses those things to me. I said, boy I wish you'd tell me that stuff. I have no idea. I hope he can start telling me how he feels more often.
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
12,816
8,592
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#14
Many men are dumb. Let's start with that.

My wife and I have a running joke, that's not really a joke. The night we 1st met at a party I was sitting on a stool and she comes in and says hi, DO you know where the keg is at.
I said, yeah it's over there by the sink.

To this day she is still peeved that I didn't realize her question meant " can YOU get me a beer cause I like you". She claims the very moment she saw me she KNEW I was going to be her husband.

Somehow I was supposed to read her mind about all that.

The point is men are dumb and don't have the intuitive skills women have..

She has gotten better at spelling things out and I have gotten a tiny bit better at knowing what she expects.
I pray your husband does too.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#15
Many men are dumb. Let's start with that.

My wife and I have a running joke, that's not really a joke. The night we 1st met at a party I was sitting on a stool and she comes in and says hi, DO you know where the keg is at.
I said, yeah it's over there by the sink.

To this day she is still peeved that I didn't realize her question meant " can YOU get me a beer cause I like you". She claims the very moment she saw me she KNEW I was going to be her husband.

Somehow I was supposed to read her mind about all that.

The point is men are dumb and don't have the intuitive skills women have..

She has gotten better at spelling things out and I have gotten a tiny bit better at knowing what she expects.
I pray your husband does too.
False. It has nothing at all to do with a lack of intelligence. It has to do with differing methods of communication. Women drop hints more so than say what they mean. Men's brains are not as wired to pick up on signals like that. Not for lacking intelligence but just not wired the.at way. Men tend to be more direct and to the point.
It could be perceived as 'dumb' that women are unable to communicate more clearly. Or we can stop with all the gender blaming, or self blaming, and recognize that different doesn't equal bad and good. Just different.
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
12,816
8,592
113
#16
False. It has nothing at all to do with a lack of intelligence. It has to do with differing methods of communication. Women drop hints more so than say what they mean. Men's brains are not as wired to pick up on signals like that. Not for lacking intelligence but just not wired the.at way. Men tend to be more direct and to the point.
It could be perceived as 'dumb' that women are unable to communicate more clearly. Or we can stop with all the gender blaming, or self blaming, and recognize that different doesn't equal bad and good. Just different.
Umm... Yeah that's pretty much the point I e,s making. I meant dumb in an affectionate way.
 

Fenner

Senior Member
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#17
Thanks Penn Ed and Ugly again. It is really nice to get the male perspective of things. I think we all forget that we can't read each other's minds. My Husband was actually afraid I was going to leave him yesterday. I felt horrible that he felt that way. It would take something epically huge to make me leave. But see we both forget, maybe I need to tell him or her this. He knows me better than anyone ever has, yet sometimes we're afraid to share feelings with each other. I know that is common.

I know now we will be okay. I hope telling him that I'd really like to hear, it's so good to see you and I care, sometimes. He knows now. So it's a start again. Have a good day.
 
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ladylynn

Guest
#18
False. It has nothing at all to do with a lack of intelligence. It has to do with differing methods of communication. Women drop hints more so than say what they mean. Men's brains are not as wired to pick up on signals like that. Not for lacking intelligence but just not wired the.at way. Men tend to be more direct and to the point.
It could be perceived as 'dumb' that women are unable to communicate more clearly. Or we can stop with all the gender blaming, or self blaming, and recognize that different doesn't equal bad and good. Just different.


I agree with you to a point. I also believe both husbands and wives should move upward and onward to learn about one another since each has the capacity to keep learning and growing. To make it their business to find out about the one they are married to since it means they will be building a closer and stronger marriage. In actuality when the two begin learning and doing more about the other., their own needs are met all the more too. Funny how that works!!
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
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#19
Jen, this is a concept I heard about years ago.. men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti. It was a book too. The authors are christian, but it talks about the differences between the way men and women think and I think it can shed some light on your situation.

You can skip to 2:30 for the start of the authors speaking...

[video=youtube;G1-cyNkNoRk]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1-cyNkNoRk[/video]
 

mar09

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2014
4,927
1,259
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#20
Thanks zero.. i was trying to multitask!! as theres something saved i could not do on pc that i was retrieving on the laptop and remembering to take a glass of water abt half hour after eating, because we're told not to drink at the same time as meals, except to sip when needed. Husband rushes breakfast in 5-10 min.in the morning (sometimes) while i have to do/can do it in an hour because of that silly-) instruction not to drink while eating. And i frustrated see he left a capsule on the table he had to take, while i can space taking my vyts and supplements several hrs as i can leave the house later than he has to!

One difference i noticed long before was that mosquitoes like to bite him, while me not much. dusk is one of the more stressful times for me personally as it is the time we rush supper, and the children have come in one by one but cant help much for i am half done.. usually they do the rice.. When what i want most to do at that time is be outside the haus and doing something else not hot like cooking. But what he most likes to do as soon as he gets in is have the food ready and eat early, to be able to do something else and retire early too. Anyway, i try to prepare for the evening meal earlier some times, like if i could even do that in the early morning-- but we neither like reheating much, so... Oh, sometimes he does bring something for the night too, but could no longer call, so we have more than enough viand for the night and i think why did i bother to rush preparing food... then i just have to remind myself to be grateful instead of complaining why is there so much food tonight?!