I am in a difficult pickle

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Mar 23, 2016
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#41
A couple of years ago, I went to a meeting with my daughter and a woman was there who spoke of the "Drama Triangle". It was a very interesting presentation / discussion and shed light on what takes place when people do not handle their affairs properly. We need to order our lives so that we are not participants upon the triangle. If we find ourselves on the triangle, we need to get off asap and get our lives back in order. Some people are incapable of living life outside of the triangle and their lives are a mess ... never any peace, never any contentment, full of anxiety.

Here is a link to a website which discusses the triangle:


The Three Faces of Victim – An Overview of the Drama Triangle


Blain, talk to your sister. Encourage her to deal with James --- one way or the other. Tell her you will support her. But for you to do this for her places you on the triangle as "Rescuer". Stay off the triangle. Your sister is on the triangle now and she needs to get off.

Keep your heart and mind focused on Lord Jesus Christ and direct your sister to Him. Pray with your sister and pray for your sister.
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#42
so I need advice on what to do in this situation. You see my sister has been dating this buddy of mine James for four years but she has been wanting to break it off for a while now yet never does I think she still has feelings for James. I also have another close friend who lives with me and my sister has been coming over for a few days and he and her get along great. But she came to me yesterday and told me she cheated on James with my friend and is thinking of leaving James for him but knowing her she isn't ready to leave James.

Now in this situation I have contemplated on what to do about this, I feel James deserves to know but at the same time not only do I know the chaos it would bring if I tell him but also I don't know if it's my place to tell him. If I go the latter route and let things happen and if he finds out and asks me if I knew I will be honest and tell him yes but on the other hand if I tell him honestly nothing good will come of it both my sister and James are very violent people.

But I want to do what is right the issue is I am not sure what it right
Talk about awkward. I definitely wouldn't say anything, not because the guy's violent, but because your sister's love life really isn't yours to have to deal with. I know it must be hard to know and not say anything. I can't believe she even told you. I mean who does that?! Tell your girlfriends, but don't tell your brother! Especially if the guy you cheated on is his friend! (like whaaaat?!?) I say stay quiet and pray you're not there if/when he finds out...
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#43
so I need advice on what to do in this situation. You see my sister has been dating this buddy of mine James for four years but she has been wanting to break it off for a while now yet never does I think she still has feelings for James. I also have another close friend who lives with me and my sister has been coming over for a few days and he and her get along great. But she came to me yesterday and told me she cheated on James with my friend and is thinking of leaving James for him but knowing her she isn't ready to leave James.

Now in this situation I have contemplated on what to do about this, I feel James deserves to know but at the same time not only do I know the chaos it would bring if I tell him but also I don't know if it's my place to tell him. If I go the latter route and let things happen and if he finds out and asks me if I knew I will be honest and tell him yes but on the other hand if I tell him honestly nothing good will come of it both my sister and James are very violent people.

But I want to do what is right the issue is I am not sure what it right
She told you in confidence as her brother. I think you should respect that and lift them all up in prayer.


I would have a talk with the other guy and tell him to leave your sister alone because she is in a relationship and should not be messing around.

He and your sister will probably be mad, but if he messes with her now...then their relationship is doomed to fail because it's based on cheating and lies.

James will find out eventually and it will be his decision to break up or forgive her. If you tell him, he is likely to shoot the messenger.

I would also tell her NOT to date your friends because it makes it hard on you. She needs to find her flings from another pool of candidates. That you love her but don't feel comfortable lying and keeping secrets.

Or you can be more diplomatic and say....She needs to be honest because it will all come to light eventually anyway...might even tell her if she isn't honest you will talk to the other guy and warn him off. Because you love her as a brother and don't want to see her hurt by someone who thinks it's okay to cheat and commit adultery.
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#44
Wow drama triangle...probably should read it but it made me annoyed after reading 2 paragraphs....I hate the "victim" mentality,..,we aren't victims...

We are all survivors and overcomes in Christ Jesus.
 
Mar 23, 2016
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#45
Ariel82 said:
Wow drama triangle...probably should read it but it made me annoyed after reading 2 paragraphs....I hate the "victim" mentality,..,we aren't victims...

We are all survivors and overcomes in Christ Jesus.
Right. We are more than conquerors though Him that loved us.

That does not mean we cannot be drawn into that triangle. And then the drama begins in our life. We can help those who are on the triangle get off, but we do not have to get on the triangle to do so.

The only way off is through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Hold fast to Him. See what is going on in the lives of those we are trying to help, but don't get drawn into the drama by becoming a "rescuer" and thereby end up in the drama.
 
Mar 2, 2016
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#46

Right. We are more than conquerors though Him that loved us.

That does not mean we cannot be drawn into that triangle. And then the drama begins in our life. We can help those who are on the triangle get off, but we do not have to get on the triangle to do so.

The only way off is through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Hold fast to Him. See what is going on in the lives of those we are trying to help, but don't get drawn into the drama by becoming a "rescuer" and thereby end up in the drama.

I like the way you put all this....the triangle and whatnot. For some reason we think we need to step into situations to save people from themselves. Why is that? Our intentions our probably good.....right? The more I experience life and different situations, the more I realize that time is my friend. Giving things time is far better than acting in many cases. When we act we get in the way of God and make a mess of things or a worse mess of things.
 
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Deepdistress21

Guest
#47
I guess the best way to decide what to do would be to put yourself in his situation.

If your friend knew that Stepanie was cheating, would you want someone to tell you?
 
Mar 23, 2016
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#48
Sirk said:
For some reason we think we need to step into situations to save people from themselves. Why is that? Our intentions our probably good.....right?
I think we just want to help people. We know where we were when someone spoke the gospel to us and we want for others what we have because we have been set free from bondage. And because we have been set free, we know God can set others free from whatever dilemma they face. But we have to remember that it is God Who sets free. Not me inserting myself into the lives of others --- that is God's business. We just lead to Him and let Him do all the "fixing".

But sometimes we try to fix whatever predicament we see in someone's life and my fixing will never do what God's fixing does. I can put a band-aid on someone, but they're still wounded. God can actually repair what is broken and bring complete and total healing and freedom from bondage.
 
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LaurenTM

Guest
#49

Right. We are more than conquerors though Him that loved us.

That does not mean we cannot be drawn into that triangle. And then the drama begins in our life. We can help those who are on the triangle get off, but we do not have to get on the triangle to do so.

The only way off is through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Hold fast to Him. See what is going on in the lives of those we are trying to help, but don't get drawn into the drama by becoming a "rescuer" and thereby end up in the drama.

absolutely

triangles...especially of the family variety...are to be avoided

and of course we want to help people but we can't 'fix' em
 
Mar 23, 2016
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#50
LaurenTM said:
absolutely

triangles...especially of the family variety...are to be avoided

and of course we want to help people but we can't 'fix' em
Before I was introduced to the drama triangle, I worked in a small department for a period of time (there were 5 of us). Two of the people had so much drama in their lives and one of them was a friend. Every now and again over the period of our friendship I had helped her out. Spoke God's Word to her and she was always "Yes, I believe".

However, it was not until I worked with her that I saw she would pick and choose what she wanted to believe. IOW, to my face she agreed Jesus Christ is Lord, but to actually allow Him to work in her life, well that was another matter. She would only hand over the stuff she didn't want to deal with. And we all know where that takes us --- right into the ditch!

So, anyway, in this little department, the two drama queens would try to get me involved in their drama and I wouldn't go with them. Just not my style. I don't need drama. There's enough going on in my life without creating more havoc for myself. I'm more of a godliness with contentment is great gain type person. Might sound boring to some, but I enjoy peace in my life as opposed to self-inflicted strife. However, in my not joining them in their foolishness, they made me their target. I still wouldn't play with them. Ended up getting some noise cancelling headphones and ignored their shenanigans.

Long story short, when people don't want off the drama cycle and you don't want to participate, you get targeted. So be careful of fallout when dealing with the drama. God is good and will protect and surround us with His everlasting lovingkindness, but watch out for those who thrive in that drama and extract yourself asap.
 
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LaurenTM

Guest
#51

Before I was introduced to the drama triangle, I worked in a small department for a period of time (there were 5 of us). Two of the people had so much drama in their lives and one of them was a friend. Every now and again over the period of our friendship I had helped her out. Spoke God's Word to her and she was always "Yes, I believe".

However, it was not until I worked with her that I saw she would pick and choose what she wanted to believe. IOW, to my face she agreed Jesus Christ is Lord, but to actually allow Him to work in her life, well that was another matter. She would only hand over the stuff she didn't want to deal with. And we all know where that takes us --- right into the ditch!

So, anyway, in this little department, the two drama queens would try to get me involved in their drama and I wouldn't go with them. Just not my style. I don't need drama. There's enough going on in my life without creating more havoc for myself. I'm more of a godliness with contentment is great gain type person. Might sound boring to some, but I enjoy peace in my life as opposed to self-inflicted strife. However, in my not joining them in their foolishness, they made me their target. I still wouldn't play with them. Ended up getting some noise cancelling headphones and ignored their shenanigans.

Long story short, when people don't want off the drama cycle and you don't want to participate, you get targeted. So be careful of fallout when dealing with the drama. God is good and will protect and surround us with His everlasting lovingkindness, but watch out for those who thrive in that drama and extract yourself asap.
boy do I 'hear' you!

I was actually going to say that you can end up being the target of two drama driven people even if they say they WANT your help or advice

I say go blond and blink your eyelashes at em...I have been stung a few times by triangles...the other thing with them, is that they shift but it is almost always 2 against 1

you are giving some good practical advice there!
 
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Deepdistress21

Guest
#52
Id rather put others before myself tho. So even if i get hurt id rather that then them be cheated on and lied to for a good time. =|
 

Blain

The Word Weaver
Aug 28, 2012
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#53
Update on the situation- Mia is going to move to texas with my friend whom she cheated on James with and she is doing all she can to convince me to come with. But I have friends and family here and I also have some in Texas however if I go I lose everyone here if I stay I lose Mia who I have been to hell and back with in life we were all each other had for a good part of it and I also lose my friend.
I don't want to lose anyone and Mia is leaving within a few days so I have very little time to decide. But I always make it a point to follow my heart and upon searching it I know my heart says to stay here but I am still trying to get over the stunning events within these few days I am filled with confusion sadness stress worry and pain inside while still trying to get over the is this really happening stunned effect
 
Mar 23, 2016
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#54
LaurenTM said:
I was actually going to say that you can end up being the target of two drama driven people even if they say they WANT your help or advice

I say go blond and blink your eyelashes at em...
Good strategy. I think the smartest people we deal with are the ones who are quickest to act dumb. [heh]



LaurenTM said:
I have been stung a few times by triangles...the other thing with them, is that they shift but it is almost always 2 against 1
Right. Those on the drama triangle shift positions but don't get off. that's why it's sometimes hard to recognize the triangle. When I was involved with that situation with my co-workers, they would switch position from victim to rescuer to persecutor to rescuer to victim --- all within a couple of hours at times. And the more I tried to help my friend, the faster she'd switch positions. So I was dealing with a moving target and getting frustrated in the process. Now that I know what was going on, I see it clear as day. But when I was involved in that nonsense, it was murky. I just knew I didn't want to be involved in any of their foolishness.



LaurenTM said:
you are giving some good practical advice there!
I have some silver lining my hair and I have earned every single strand!!!

I just hope I can help others to recognize (and avoid) the pitfalls of the drama triangle.
 
Mar 23, 2016
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#55
Blain said:
But I always make it a point to follow my heart and upon searching it I know my heart says to stay here but I am still trying to get over the stunning events within these few days I am filled with confusion sadness stress worry and pain inside while still trying to get over the is this really happening stunned effect
Hang in there, Blain. Your sister will always be your sister and you can love her while she is in TX and maybe even visit her every now and again.

I hope/pray all goes well for you and your sister. Hopefully she tells James she's leaving before she moves and doesn't leave that deed to you.

Remain close to God. He’ll work in your heart and bring healing.
 
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Deepdistress21

Guest
#56
Be strong. She will learn. She should have been more caring for you and her bf. She needs some space to mature and learn. You will be okay and tx isnt far from you at all so you can visit often and get some nice vacations. Itll be okay <3
 

RickyZ

Senior Member
Sep 20, 2012
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#57
Hi Blain. How has this turned out?