K
My husband Will and I got married a year ago. We were both older to be getting married for the first time, and we had waited a long time to find our person. He waited more patiently than me, as he was a virgin when we got married. I had been sexually abused as a child, which led to my own sexual sin as a young teen and later in life. I dated a fair amount, and had a coupe long term relationships. My husband, on the other hand did not date at all (other than a high school gf) until he met me at age 40.
Before I started dating my husband, I briefly dated an atheist named Aaron. Aaron was smart, driven, successful, kind, and flirtatious. We had an instant, intense connection. From the first time we met, there was this incredibly strong chemistry. Not just in a sexual sense, but we just got each other in other ways. We were VERY different I our beliefs/philosophy/world views, but we got a long really well. We went on a few dates. I knew I shouldn't be dating him, but I was going through a period of rebellion. I was angry at God because I was in my mid-thirties, and despite decades of following the Lord and praying for a Godly husband, he was seemingly holding out on me. Marriage had been a deep desire of my heart since I was a little girl, and I couldn't understand how the God that loved me could have created me with those desires and then refused to fill them. I remember feeling like he had not kept his promises to me: I didn't feel like he was meeting my needs, and I felt at he time like I had asked for a loaf of bread and he gave me a snake.
It was during this season that I started dating Aaron, and in my rebellion I slept with him. Now, as with everything between Aaron and I, there was electrifying chemistry. The first time we kissed I swear there were fireworks going off. But as God continued to convict me and move in my heart, I came to know that I had to end it and move on.
Even though I still felt angry at God and didn't understand why he wouldn't give me a husband, I poured out my heart to Him. Through my tears I told him that I surrendered my right to understand why. I told Him that I chose Him. I chose Him over my own desires, even if it meant I would be single for the rest of my life. And I fully expected that I would.
Just a couple weeks later, I had my first date with my now husband, who wasn't even on my radar at the time.
My husband is kind and gentle. He is patient and wise. He is highly intelligent and respectful. He treats me like a queen, and he is the biggest blessing of my life. I praise God for him daily.
But as blessed as I know I am, I still sometimes struggle. My sexual background and Will's are very different. Not only that, but our sex drives ad every different as well. He is content to have sex once every couple of weeks. I would like it more often than that. Even on our honeymoon, when we had waited for so long, he didn't want to have sex very frequently. And he had some ED issues as well that have unfortunately been occasionally problematic and prevented sex in a fairly regular basis. Not only all of this, but my husband is a terrible kisser, and rather cumbersome with the rest of it. He is not comfortable with anything other than the most vanilla and common? ordinary? ....trying to find the right word...Anyway he is not open to much outside of what we do every time.
I am struggling because I know I shouldn't, but I miss the days of electrifying chemistry. I know I shouldn't even know what sex with another is like, but I do. I miss being with someone who is enjoying me as much or more as I am them. I even miss being with someone who is naturally and experientially skilled. I have tried to teach my husband, but honestly it is very difficult to do, and there is very little if any improvement even then. I know that I should be thrilled and satisfied in the physical expression of love that we have for each other, but....if I'm really honest... simply expressing our love doesn't necessary equal sexually satisfaction.
We are now expecting our first child, and since we found out we were pregnant about a month ago, I think we've had sex twice. I know that things are going to be even more difficult once we have kids, but right now it is just the two of us and we still rarely have mediocre (at best) sex. We've never had the kind of chemistry that I've had in the past. Even in the beginning of our courtship, I never felt that electricity with him. But I just believed that if we both loved Jesus and grew to love each other, then the rest would fall into place. I wish I could say that has been the case.
Am I as horrible as I feel for missing the days when I was sinning? Is there anything I can do to kindle that kind of chemistry with my husband? Does anyone else every wonder why God would give such intense chemistry to me with an atheist, and give me a Godly husband who doesn't even appear to have any interest in chemistry with me
PS Yes, I have tried discussing this sort of thing with him. He knows that I feel frustrated with the frequency of our sex life, and he knows that I wish he would initiate. Yet nothing changes.
Before I started dating my husband, I briefly dated an atheist named Aaron. Aaron was smart, driven, successful, kind, and flirtatious. We had an instant, intense connection. From the first time we met, there was this incredibly strong chemistry. Not just in a sexual sense, but we just got each other in other ways. We were VERY different I our beliefs/philosophy/world views, but we got a long really well. We went on a few dates. I knew I shouldn't be dating him, but I was going through a period of rebellion. I was angry at God because I was in my mid-thirties, and despite decades of following the Lord and praying for a Godly husband, he was seemingly holding out on me. Marriage had been a deep desire of my heart since I was a little girl, and I couldn't understand how the God that loved me could have created me with those desires and then refused to fill them. I remember feeling like he had not kept his promises to me: I didn't feel like he was meeting my needs, and I felt at he time like I had asked for a loaf of bread and he gave me a snake.
It was during this season that I started dating Aaron, and in my rebellion I slept with him. Now, as with everything between Aaron and I, there was electrifying chemistry. The first time we kissed I swear there were fireworks going off. But as God continued to convict me and move in my heart, I came to know that I had to end it and move on.
Even though I still felt angry at God and didn't understand why he wouldn't give me a husband, I poured out my heart to Him. Through my tears I told him that I surrendered my right to understand why. I told Him that I chose Him. I chose Him over my own desires, even if it meant I would be single for the rest of my life. And I fully expected that I would.
Just a couple weeks later, I had my first date with my now husband, who wasn't even on my radar at the time.
My husband is kind and gentle. He is patient and wise. He is highly intelligent and respectful. He treats me like a queen, and he is the biggest blessing of my life. I praise God for him daily.
But as blessed as I know I am, I still sometimes struggle. My sexual background and Will's are very different. Not only that, but our sex drives ad every different as well. He is content to have sex once every couple of weeks. I would like it more often than that. Even on our honeymoon, when we had waited for so long, he didn't want to have sex very frequently. And he had some ED issues as well that have unfortunately been occasionally problematic and prevented sex in a fairly regular basis. Not only all of this, but my husband is a terrible kisser, and rather cumbersome with the rest of it. He is not comfortable with anything other than the most vanilla and common? ordinary? ....trying to find the right word...Anyway he is not open to much outside of what we do every time.
I am struggling because I know I shouldn't, but I miss the days of electrifying chemistry. I know I shouldn't even know what sex with another is like, but I do. I miss being with someone who is enjoying me as much or more as I am them. I even miss being with someone who is naturally and experientially skilled. I have tried to teach my husband, but honestly it is very difficult to do, and there is very little if any improvement even then. I know that I should be thrilled and satisfied in the physical expression of love that we have for each other, but....if I'm really honest... simply expressing our love doesn't necessary equal sexually satisfaction.
We are now expecting our first child, and since we found out we were pregnant about a month ago, I think we've had sex twice. I know that things are going to be even more difficult once we have kids, but right now it is just the two of us and we still rarely have mediocre (at best) sex. We've never had the kind of chemistry that I've had in the past. Even in the beginning of our courtship, I never felt that electricity with him. But I just believed that if we both loved Jesus and grew to love each other, then the rest would fall into place. I wish I could say that has been the case.
Am I as horrible as I feel for missing the days when I was sinning? Is there anything I can do to kindle that kind of chemistry with my husband? Does anyone else every wonder why God would give such intense chemistry to me with an atheist, and give me a Godly husband who doesn't even appear to have any interest in chemistry with me
PS Yes, I have tried discussing this sort of thing with him. He knows that I feel frustrated with the frequency of our sex life, and he knows that I wish he would initiate. Yet nothing changes.
