Christian jokes

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I_am_Canadian

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
#81
Dec 8, 2014
2,216
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#81
lol that is funny

HENOG said:
Some of you might know that in the pietistic movement and also in South-African Pentecostal churches of the early 1900's many things were not only frowned upon but also strictly forbidden. For example, smoking, drinking alcohol and dancing. With regards to dancing the joke went around that Pastors very much advice the married couples not to have sex in a standing position because it could lead to dancing. ;)
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I_am_Canadian

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
#82
Dec 8, 2014
2,216
713
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#82
hahaha that is hallarious

Adstar said:
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"That might be OK in California, but we're not having any of that here in Texas!
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I_am_Canadian

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
#83
Dec 8, 2014
2,216
713
113
#83
that is funny

Sweetmorningdew78 said:
As the storm raged the Captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward "Aye,I know how to pray." "Good" said the Captain, You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets —we're one short "



(Not mine,I read somewhere :D)
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I_am_Canadian

I_am_Canadian

Senior Member
#84
Dec 8, 2014
2,216
713
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#84
Re: I die a little more inside whenever I post trash like this

When Moses and Aarron were at Mount Siani There was an Arch on the Mountain where the trail to God lead.
So when Moses was up there the long time and the People got hungry, they built the Golden calf.
What no one realized is that the Arches were golden too, so they didn't realize what they really did
is found the very first McDonalds in history.

haha
 
J

joefizz

Guest
#85
#85
joefizz said:
What was the first sign that people thought of cows as a necessity?
When they made a golden calf that they thought looked pretty good but couldn't stomach it.
Wait a minute how many plagues were there hmmm about 13 you say,strange I thought the people of the world were plagued with stupidity considering how many times in the bible they went against God!
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I forgot I made this joke!
 
BillG

BillG

Senior Member
#86
Feb 15, 2017
8,879
4,334
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#86
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer.
Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.
He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.
Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher.
He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked.
He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.

" God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?
 
BillG

BillG

Senior Member
#87
Feb 15, 2017
8,879
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#87
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them.
As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
 
BillG

BillG

Senior Member
#88
Feb 15, 2017
8,879
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#88
As a pastor is wrapping up his service, he tells his congregation "Next week I will deliver a sermon on the evils of lying.
To prepare for it, I would like you all to read Mark chapter 17."
The next week in service he asks how many parishioners read the 17th chapter of Mark.
Every hand in the congregation goes up. "Mark has only 16 chapters,"
the pastor continues with a grin. "I will now proceed with the sermon on lying."

 
S

Sweetmorningdew78

Guest
#90
#90
THREE PASTORS

Three pastors were in a boat together one day and fishing.






"We never get to let our hair down. Let's each tell the area that we struggle in the most. Our greatest sin so that we can pray for each other."




Pastor 1 ------said "I am ashamed to admit this but I have problem with gambling sometimes I sneak out even in the middle of the night and gamble...it is hard." Please pray for me.,













Pastor 2 ---------then said "I hate to admit this but I am a cheater I hardly pay my tax and I cheated on my wife multiple times....As a matter of fact I spent my lunch with a beautiful woman today." Please pray for me...





The third Pastor sat there silently.... They waited and waited He would not budge. The Two pastors asked him "Tell us your greatest sin we are sure we will understand... and then he finally broke into tears " My greatest sin is GOSSIP and I can't wait to get off from this boat" please pray for me :D :D:D
 
M

mj007

Banned
#91
Feb 5, 2017
1,118
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#91
An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,
"How beautiful the animals are!"
"How majestic the trees are!"
"How powerful the rivers are!"
​
As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, "God help me!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
​
A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, "You've denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don't exist. You've even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?"
The atheist looked into the light and said, "Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
​
The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
 
M

mj007

Banned
#92
Feb 5, 2017
1,118
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#92
Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?

Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
 
M

mj007

Banned
#93
Feb 5, 2017
1,118
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#93
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!
 
M

mj007

Banned
#94
Feb 5, 2017
1,118
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#94
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

I think this has a lot to say about how Christians act sometimes. It could be the very person who is saying something we don't like, or trying to give us advice, who we dismiss; that has been sent by God.
 
S

Sweetmorningdew78

Guest
#95
#95
mj007 said:
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

I think this has a lot to say about how Christians act sometimes. It could be the very person who is saying something we don't like, or trying to give us advice, who we dismiss; that has been sent by God.
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This is funny but you can actually learn a lesson from this :D




Nice one :D
 
JaumeJ

JaumeJ

Senior Member
#96
Jul 2, 2011
21,230
6,527
113
#96
I would really like to know:

In which manifestation does our Maker tell the christian jokes? The Father, the Son or the Holy Spirit, for I know of no jokes from Him, not a one.
 
C

Coolbeans

Guest
#97
#97
Jokes are strictly forbidden for christians because joking is up to lying. So , technically..
 
JaumeJ

JaumeJ

Senior Member
#98
Jul 2, 2011
21,230
6,527
113
#98
We are taught in the Epistles of the Bible that we are to always be of a sober mind. Being happy or content does not translate to laughing like a loon at the drop of an unkind word.......humor usually is at the expense of someone else.....even when or if not, it has no place in the conversation of faith.......perhaps when outside the conversation, but that phrase in itself is accusative is it not?
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#99
Aug 13, 2014
24,910
8,163
113
#99
Did you know the Bible talks about cars? The disciples all drove around in a Honda - they were all in one Accord.

The Bible talks about cigarettes too. Jacob lit off a camel.

And the Bible talks about constipation. Moses took two tablets and went up on the mountain. King David sat on the throne for 40 years! Plus there's all the trouble Baalim had with his... uh... never mind. :rolleyes:
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#100
Aug 13, 2014
24,910
8,163
113
#100
JaumeJ said:
I would really like to know:

In which manifestation does our Maker tell the christian jokes? The Father, the Son or the Holy Spirit, for I know of no jokes from Him, not a one.
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If God doesn't have a sense of humor, how do you explain the duck-billed platypus?

Also compare Luke 9:54 and Mark 3:17. James and John were eager to see a man consumed with fire from the sky (lightning) and Jesus surnamed them Boanerges, the sons of thunder.
 
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