Tie four things together...

While hooked to my grandma's CPAP machine and eating a BBQ sandwich, I flipped my TV to TNT, which was playing all 6 hours of BBC's adaption of Pride and Prejudice.

Okay, where's the four things that need to be tied together?

My aplolgies, the Eagles won.

You can feel worse after the Patriots destroy them in Minnesota.

FYI, I want the Eagles to win.

Super Bowl LII, Philadelphia Eagles, New England Patriots, and a funeral home.

The Eagles and the Pats are going to Superbowl LII. Buffalo is a giant funeral home.

A Baptist church, a dispensationalist pastor, an obese deacon, and a casserole.

A lot of Baptist churches don't have a dispensationialist pastor, but do have obese deacons who love chicken cassarole.

A fifth of liquor, a Presbyterian communion, a sleeve of Zesta crackers and a riot.

Glad you were freed from the witness protection program, Brother Desdichado.

We prevent riots by distributing a fifth of liquor to each congregant after communion. The zesta crackers are a mere formality.

I like to shove them up my nose.

Good to be back. We'll see if I can keep this thing going


A firecracker, ten slices of turkey breast, and no regrets.

That's not four things.

I wrapped up a firecracker inside ten slices of turkey breast and fed them to preacher4truth. I have no regrets for doing it, eitger.

A baseball card, a bucket of dirt, a paper wad, and a flat bicycle tire.

(Also, a CPAP machine? Isn't that what old people who have trouble breathing while they sleep use..? Or maybe not?)

Because of my easy schedule for school this semester, I now have more time to watch Duck Dynasty and football! Speaking of which, Eagles kicked butt last night. Y'all better believe it wasn't just dumb luck, they are simply the better team.

Protozoans, paper plates, permanent markers, and a watch.

On the East Side of Broad Street, you will find the Virginia House of Delegates. The men there have variously been described as rats behind a supermarket or cornstalk skeletons in the snow when cornered by lobbyists. Especially the trampoline builders union out of Norfolk.

A game of trivial pursuit, an ice pick, 20ib dumb bells, and a bottle of canola oil.

I slipped on a bottle of canola oil while I was playing trivial pursuit, curling two 20 lb dumb bells, with an ice pick in my mouth.

Bacon, a beaver dam, toe jam, and dandruff.

Tourism has been in steep decline for the nation of Canada. But not because of rotten bacon, beaver dams along popular kayak routes, or the landscape that seems to consistently look sprinkled by dandruff. Nope! It's the toe jam of humanity, Celine Dion.

A dartboard, a butter churn, a hand (chemically preserved in a jar), and a copy of ​Moby Dick

Once upon a time, many years ago, a curious old man lived in a quaint little cottage. But many people in the nearby village did not like this old man, because his favorite book was an old copy of Moby Dick, and his favorite pastime was carving butter churns. This caused quite an uproar among the villagers, since butter and books were outlawed in those parts. Finally, they had enough of his illegal activity. A small mob was rallied, and 6 of the village's most esteemed citizens marched to the old man's cottage for a confrontation. They turned back, however, when they found him using a dartboard as a makeshift table, upon which he was examining a chemically preserved hand within a pickling jar. He lived happily ever after.

Quadratic formula, arsenic, caterpillar, South Africa.

When my math professor started teaching the quadratic formula, I slipped him some arsenic, put a caterpillar in his undies, and fled to South Africa.

A light bulb, a half-witted wise guy, police officer and a popped balloon.

Guido tried putting the popped balloon by the police officer's ear, but it was a light bulb.

Smurf ball, brain surgeon, Sea of Tranquility, faith

You left out half-witted guy.

Once upon a time, by the Sea of Tranquility, a brain surgeon was playing smurf ball with Faith. He lost, and now Faith has no brain.

Mouse, bran cereal, sewer water and Depleted.