Hi guys, I’m new to the forum and came looking for some advice. My husband is always perving on other women, which I keep getting told is normal for men. Things got really bad at one stage, at church there is this one woman in particular that he used to continuously stare at. She actually sat at the back and we sit in the front, he was always turning around to look at her. After a while though she moved seats up near the front to the side, which made things worse as he then sat there the whole service looking at her. After a year and when I had decided it was really getting to me and I had had enough I confronted him about it. He then proceeded to tell me he didn’t know why he looked at her and if he did he would tell me. So I let it go after I explained he was sending the wrong signals to her as she had noticed it as well and how it made me feel silly. So after a couple of months it was brought up again and he said this time he saw the passion he once had in her. I feel as if he thinks im stupid as I know very well he was attracted to her, it was blatantly obvious and I feel as if he’s lying to me. I feel as if my self esteem has really dropped due to that and the fact he can’t help but check every woman out who’s wearing next to nothing. I’m one of those people who are loyal right down to not checking out other men etc I’m totally devoted to my husband. I think I need help in dealing with this as I don’t want him to be turned off by my emotions. From a Christian point of view as I’ve had plenty from non Christian’s telling me it’s natural and fine for men to do this, is this normal for me and do we as women have to try and find a way to squash the hurt feelings. TIA
Needing some advice
- Thread starter Mella82
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As long as he looks but doesn't touch, I wouldn't over-react to it, although its very insensitive of him to be gawking at another woman right in front of you. It shouldn't effect your self-esteem, he's married, not dead. Most men (married or not) will always appreciate a pretty woman, but being attracted to other females doesn't necessarily mean he prefers them over you. Just tell him that you would appreciate it if he could stop drooling every time a foxy woman walks by. Ask him how he would feel if you got all hot and bothered every time a handsome guy crossed your path... Have him read Matthew 5:28 "I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."
A
What?!?
That is ridiculous to "squash hurt feelings"... If my husband was checking out other women,i would be hurt too.
Jesus says it's adultery if you look at a woman with just in your heart.
It's not "normal male behavior" for a married man. Most of the Christian men I know are loyal to their wives and don't look lustfully at other women.
If they stare at a woman for a long time that makes the woman uncomfortable unless they are looking for the attention....hopefully not the case in church,but you never know.
I am sad that your self esteem is tied into how he looks at you, but I can see how hurtful it can be. Just know that God loves you and you are a valuable person.
Will keep you in prayer.
That is ridiculous to "squash hurt feelings"... If my husband was checking out other women,i would be hurt too.
Jesus says it's adultery if you look at a woman with just in your heart.
It's not "normal male behavior" for a married man. Most of the Christian men I know are loyal to their wives and don't look lustfully at other women.
If they stare at a woman for a long time that makes the woman uncomfortable unless they are looking for the attention....hopefully not the case in church,but you never know.
I am sad that your self esteem is tied into how he looks at you, but I can see how hurtful it can be. Just know that God loves you and you are a valuable person.
Will keep you in prayer.
Thanks everyone, I think my self esteem is hit harder because in my last two relationships they both cheated on me. It all started with looking and obviously progressed into cheating. I guess im just so scared of losing him and all these other women around seem to catch his attention so easily. I find it so easy to not be tempted to check any guy out as I’m so happy in my relationship.
That then then raises questions with how happy he actually is with me. The woman at church that he ogled for so long was what really hurt me. I guess I should have said something sooner, but I’m not too good with that due to again past experiences where my children’s dad used to beat me. Now that I’ve mentioned it, I do see him struggling to not look but makes it so hard when she now sits there trying to catch his eye. I guess I’ll have to maybe keep praying to understand my husband more and also
pray for him in hope the lord can stop him with his temptation.
I know men do this when away from their wives but isn’t that also sinning? Just because the wife ain’t around doesn’t mean its still not the same thing.
That then then raises questions with how happy he actually is with me. The woman at church that he ogled for so long was what really hurt me. I guess I should have said something sooner, but I’m not too good with that due to again past experiences where my children’s dad used to beat me. Now that I’ve mentioned it, I do see him struggling to not look but makes it so hard when she now sits there trying to catch his eye. I guess I’ll have to maybe keep praying to understand my husband more and also
pray for him in hope the lord can stop him with his temptation.
I know men do this when away from their wives but isn’t that also sinning? Just because the wife ain’t around doesn’t mean its still not the same thing.
D
My husband was one of those guys who can spot a wounded person, is instantly drawn to that person, and wants to help him/her at any cost.
That's not a good thing all the time. Because he was like that, he saw a woman on a bus missing an arm, and fell in love with her instantly. (This was before we even met, so this was his personality, not who he is as a husband.) He did marry a woman who was abused as a child and teen. He married her because she was pregnant from a relationship with a married man, who denied anything happened. (They were supposedly going out, even when he became a sailor and had to go on a couple of cruises on an aircraft carrier. And, he ended up getting the Dear John letter two weeks before he got the "I'm pregnant" letter.) He's that kind of guy.
And it cost him. She was that kind of gal too.
After the marriage was over, he kept being attracted to wounded women with similar results. No, they didn't cheat on him again, but they always needed to be fixed after some big drama to the point they needed to be fixed, so invented some drama.
And then there was this new chick in church, who had the audacity to interrupt the pastor to find out if she could add an announcement to the list of announcements he just told before service started. Apparently, some bold thing I shouldn't have done, but I didn't know better. I was new to that church.
First woman he noticed that wasn't wounded and didn't need fixing.
Brilliant idea he had somewhere in the next couple of months, "What if I don't go out with the same kind of gal that caused me so much pain in the past?"
And so, he purposely chose to go out with the kind of woman that didn't instantly attract him.
Viola! Next Wednesday is that 38th anniversary of our first date. October will be our 38th wedding anniversary.
All this to give you an idea for the future -- "What if I don't go out with the same kind of guy that caused me so much pain in the past?" Simple idea. If you keep falling for the same type of guy, how about avoiding that type of guy?
That's not a good thing all the time. Because he was like that, he saw a woman on a bus missing an arm, and fell in love with her instantly. (This was before we even met, so this was his personality, not who he is as a husband.) He did marry a woman who was abused as a child and teen. He married her because she was pregnant from a relationship with a married man, who denied anything happened. (They were supposedly going out, even when he became a sailor and had to go on a couple of cruises on an aircraft carrier. And, he ended up getting the Dear John letter two weeks before he got the "I'm pregnant" letter.) He's that kind of guy.
And it cost him. She was that kind of gal too.
After the marriage was over, he kept being attracted to wounded women with similar results. No, they didn't cheat on him again, but they always needed to be fixed after some big drama to the point they needed to be fixed, so invented some drama.
And then there was this new chick in church, who had the audacity to interrupt the pastor to find out if she could add an announcement to the list of announcements he just told before service started. Apparently, some bold thing I shouldn't have done, but I didn't know better. I was new to that church.
First woman he noticed that wasn't wounded and didn't need fixing.
Brilliant idea he had somewhere in the next couple of months, "What if I don't go out with the same kind of gal that caused me so much pain in the past?"
And so, he purposely chose to go out with the kind of woman that didn't instantly attract him.
Viola! Next Wednesday is that 38th anniversary of our first date. October will be our 38th wedding anniversary.
All this to give you an idea for the future -- "What if I don't go out with the same kind of guy that caused me so much pain in the past?" Simple idea. If you keep falling for the same type of guy, how about avoiding that type of guy?
If he enjoys looking at women in church, he probably likes looking at girls on the internet. If that’s the situation then you should be equally concerned about pornography addiction. I’m speaking from personal experience. It’s beatable but he has to want it to stop, not just you. It’s not like a drug addiction that most people agree is wrong. Most non Christian men, even women indulge and have no remorse.
My husband was one of those guys who can spot a wounded person, is instantly drawn to that person, and wants to help him/her at any cost.
That's not a good thing all the time. Because he was like that, he saw a woman on a bus missing an arm, and fell in love with her instantly. (This was before we even met, so this was his personality, not who he is as a husband.) He did marry a woman who was abused as a child and teen. He married her because she was pregnant from a relationship with a married man, who denied anything happened. (They were supposedly going out, even when he became a sailor and had to go on a couple of cruises on an aircraft carrier. And, he ended up getting the Dear John letter two weeks before he got the "I'm pregnant" letter.) He's that kind of guy.
And it cost him. She was that kind of gal too.
After the marriage was over, he kept being attracted to wounded women with similar results. No, they didn't cheat on him again, but they always needed to be fixed after some big drama to the point they needed to be fixed, so invented some drama.
And then there was this new chick in church, who had the audacity to interrupt the pastor to find out if she could add an announcement to the list of announcements he just told before service started. Apparently, some bold thing I shouldn't have done, but I didn't know better. I was new to that church.
First woman he noticed that wasn't wounded and didn't need fixing.
Brilliant idea he had somewhere in the next couple of months, "What if I don't go out with the same kind of gal that caused me so much pain in the past?"
And so, he purposely chose to go out with the kind of woman that didn't instantly attract him.
Viola! Next Wednesday is that 38th anniversary of our first date. October will be our 38th wedding anniversary.
All this to give you an idea for the future -- "What if I don't go out with the same kind of guy that caused me so much pain in the past?" Simple idea. If you keep falling for the same type of guy, how about avoiding that type of guy?
That's not a good thing all the time. Because he was like that, he saw a woman on a bus missing an arm, and fell in love with her instantly. (This was before we even met, so this was his personality, not who he is as a husband.) He did marry a woman who was abused as a child and teen. He married her because she was pregnant from a relationship with a married man, who denied anything happened. (They were supposedly going out, even when he became a sailor and had to go on a couple of cruises on an aircraft carrier. And, he ended up getting the Dear John letter two weeks before he got the "I'm pregnant" letter.) He's that kind of guy.
And it cost him. She was that kind of gal too.
After the marriage was over, he kept being attracted to wounded women with similar results. No, they didn't cheat on him again, but they always needed to be fixed after some big drama to the point they needed to be fixed, so invented some drama.
And then there was this new chick in church, who had the audacity to interrupt the pastor to find out if she could add an announcement to the list of announcements he just told before service started. Apparently, some bold thing I shouldn't have done, but I didn't know better. I was new to that church.
First woman he noticed that wasn't wounded and didn't need fixing.
Brilliant idea he had somewhere in the next couple of months, "What if I don't go out with the same kind of gal that caused me so much pain in the past?"
And so, he purposely chose to go out with the kind of woman that didn't instantly attract him.
Viola! Next Wednesday is that 38th anniversary of our first date. October will be our 38th wedding anniversary.
All this to give you an idea for the future -- "What if I don't go out with the same kind of guy that caused me so much pain in the past?" Simple idea. If you keep falling for the same type of guy, how about avoiding that type of guy?
I do honestly think hes different to the others, more that what’s happening has brought up past emotions and warnings. I know he wouldn’t cheat as his last relationship ended due to his ex cheating on him. I’m 100% commited with this marriage, I meant every word of my vows. I do pray for my husband and ask the lord to help him with this issue and I ask the lord to help me understand him better. I’m trying but I guess I just feel pretty upset and humiliated still.
Is looking at another woman and admiring their beauty as some say it is, adultry? Sorry im
a new Christian. I have been going to church for nearly three years now, I’ve done the alpha course and i was baptised a few mo the ago. I am going to study ministry this year as well, in hope it will help me understand more and also so I can tell others the word as well.
a new Christian. I have been going to church for nearly three years now, I’ve done the alpha course and i was baptised a few mo the ago. I am going to study ministry this year as well, in hope it will help me understand more and also so I can tell others the word as well.
as I have learned the 'hard-way', as a woman', thinking that God's Love is what I was
buying into in my first so called 'marriage', was a total 'hoax', it was the 'worlds' definition of 'love',
and I bought into it, lock, stock, and barrel'...in the end, according to the world, I 'lost everything',
including my babies, but alas, this was the very beginning of my acknowledging my real 'calling',
salvation/deliverance', I had to give-up everything that 'the world' had convinced me of who
I thought I was'...
buying into in my first so called 'marriage', was a total 'hoax', it was the 'worlds' definition of 'love',
and I bought into it, lock, stock, and barrel'...in the end, according to the world, I 'lost everything',
including my babies, but alas, this was the very beginning of my acknowledging my real 'calling',
salvation/deliverance', I had to give-up everything that 'the world' had convinced me of who
I thought I was'...
As a man, I can tell you that wanting to look at attractive women, clothed or naked seems to be completely natural. As a Christian man, God has taught me that sex, even within the confines of marriage, is not what was intended. We, as a society have been programmed to give sexuality a power beyond original design. The instinct to procreate is as basic as eating and survival. Manipulating behaviour (mind control) by using a hard wired instinct is like downloading software into our brains. We use tasty treats to train (brainwash) dogs to serve and love us. We use sex and sexuality to brainwash each other. Since the desire to procreate effects our behaviour to improve our image (natural selection process), increasing the importance to procreate, helps us spend more money to improve our image. There’s a huge amount of psychology involved but basically we have all been brainwashed, and enslaved, by sex and status. Once Christ frees your mind it is clear to see exactly how it’s done.
Christ made the radical claim that looking at a woman lustfully is the same as committing adultery not so every women should throw it into an arguement, when their husband looks at another woman. It was these same instincts that caused him to look at you. Dogs pick up scents, men pick up.....miniskirts (exposed flesh). Christ was pointing out that if your attention is on sex, it is in the flesh and you are not walking in the Spirit. It is not a more restrictive walk in the flesh (most religions) Christ died for, it is to escape the bondage of the flesh and walk in the Spirit. If your husband is not walking in the Spirit then he will be like an alcoholic, salivating every time he walks by a pub, crushing the temptation. Walking in the Spirit removes even the temptation.
Christ made the radical claim that looking at a woman lustfully is the same as committing adultery not so every women should throw it into an arguement, when their husband looks at another woman. It was these same instincts that caused him to look at you. Dogs pick up scents, men pick up.....miniskirts (exposed flesh). Christ was pointing out that if your attention is on sex, it is in the flesh and you are not walking in the Spirit. It is not a more restrictive walk in the flesh (most religions) Christ died for, it is to escape the bondage of the flesh and walk in the Spirit. If your husband is not walking in the Spirit then he will be like an alcoholic, salivating every time he walks by a pub, crushing the temptation. Walking in the Spirit removes even the temptation.
