Engaged - want to break it off... Need help

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Chadz30

Junior Member
Apr 22, 2018
8
0
0
#1
Long story short... we met on a Christian dating app. Im male 30 she's 27. I went to visit her in her country, met her family etc. I was there for 2 weeks and we got engaged. But even while I was there I didnt feel very attracted or "in love". There was feelings and I thought since we had come so far already, we deserve a chance to try. She got a visa and came back with me to my country. My family likes her and all is ok here but we have a month and half left to marry.

I am having serious doubts... and frankly i dont want to marry her. I feel trapped. I know its my fault... everything went so fast before i couldnt even realize I wasnt happy. I tried telling her 2 weeks ago I had some doubts, that i was unsure etc hoping she would get the point that i wasnt happy. She flipped, got angry, didnt want to talk to me for 2 days. I then said to her i was only saying that im unsure but doesn't mean i dont want to marry. I tried talking to her again 2 nights ago about it and she started crying... each night now i see her cry when we go to bed and its ripping my insides apart. I feel like I am now the evil one, the horrible person for bringing her here and now have a change of heart. And she really isnt shy of making me feel guilty about it. I just cant understand why if she can see im not happy, why does she still want to marry me and say shes happy? It makes no sense. I just feel trapped here... and sooner or later I have to tell her straight up i cant marry her.

I feel bad because shes had failed past relationships and she prayed hard and fasted about us before we did all this. And now its like Im letting her down, letting God down... basically everyone is going to hate me after this. I have to now endure the guilt and hurt of knowing i broke her heart and she trusted me... i know I was stupid to rush... but this is just too much. And each time I bring it up she cries and then i feel too bad to tell her i cant marry her.

I dont know what to do...
 

hornetguy

Senior Member
Jan 18, 2016
6,623
1,381
113
#2
On a humorous note... ask Paul Simon.... he sang a song called "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"

Seriously? The only bad time to call off a wedding is after it happens.

There is no shame in saying out loud that you do not feel strongly enough for a person to marry them.

If you truly do not want to be joined to that person for the rest of your life, just gently explain it to them, and walk away... get on with your life.
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
12,821
8,596
113
#3
Long story short... we met on a Christian dating app. Im male 30 she's 27. I went to visit her in her country, met her family etc. I was there for 2 weeks and we got engaged. But even while I was there I didnt feel very attracted or "in love". There was feelings and I thought since we had come so far already, we deserve a chance to try. She got a visa and came back with me to my country. My family likes her and all is ok here but we have a month and half left to marry.

I am having serious doubts... and frankly i dont want to marry her. I feel trapped. I know its my fault... everything went so fast before i couldnt even realize I wasnt happy. I tried telling her 2 weeks ago I had some doubts, that i was unsure etc hoping she would get the point that i wasnt happy. She flipped, got angry, didnt want to talk to me for 2 days. I then said to her i was only saying that im unsure but doesn't mean i dont want to marry. I tried talking to her again 2 nights ago about it and she started crying... each night now i see her cry when we go to bed and its ripping my insides apart. I feel like I am now the evil one, the horrible person for bringing her here and now have a change of heart. And she really isnt shy of making me feel guilty about it. I just cant understand why if she can see im not happy, why does she still want to marry me and say shes happy? It makes no sense. I just feel trapped here... and sooner or later I have to tell her straight up i cant marry her.

I feel bad because shes had failed past relationships and she prayed hard and fasted about us before we did all this. And now its like Im letting her down, letting God down... basically everyone is going to hate me after this. I have to now endure the guilt and hurt of knowing i broke her heart and she trusted me... i know I was stupid to rush... but this is just too much. And each time I bring it up she cries and then i feel too bad to tell her i cant marry her.

I dont know what to do...
Not knowing all the specifics, I would generally say that this western idea of "must have feelings for" , and exaggerated romanticism, soulmate, etc... Can be wrong and damaging.
Love should not be solely about feelings. It is commitment, sacrifice, care, and experiencing life through good and bad.
Why not just say things are moving a too quickly and you would like a longer engagement? It sounds like you are living together. If possible, stop that til marriage. You went too quick in engaging. Don't make another mistake in breaking it off too quickly.
May the Lord guide your decisions.
 
N

NoNameMcgee

Guest
#4
this sounds like a horrible situation to be in for the both of you


from my position (where i have very little idea what is going on)

you either need to pay to get her back home while being completely open and honest with her

or

pray to be delivered from whatever is keeping you from loving this woman you asked to marry you


i dont know whats best here

but...... i feel like this situation is worse for her than you


you need to find out what is best for her

even if shes angry or upset with you

you cant just lie to make her happy

if you can find a way to let everything out so she knows how you feel (after you are positive with how you feel)

then between the two of you
come to a conclusion of how to move forward together (even if it only until you two separate)
 

Demi777

Senior Member
Oct 13, 2014
6,877
1,949
113
Germany
#5
Go by your heart. Yea u can learn to love but it is not the best option. I am generally not a fan of marrying or getting engaged so fast. U cant know someone that fast
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#6
*I just cant understand why if she can see im not happy, why does she still want to marry me and say shes happy?*
Is this the same guy that got engaged to someone he knew he wasn't in love with?
And now you want Her to break up with you to spare Your feelings? Could you be any more selfish?
You got yourself into this you should get yourself out of it and stop waiting on the person you mislead to bail you out.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,581
113
#7
Break it off. You don't love her, you're not happy, so be honest and tell her that.. You'll both be better off. And dating apps rarely work out so stop doing that also.
 

Chadz30

Junior Member
Apr 22, 2018
8
0
0
#8
Well she has a return ticket for the 10th of July. If we dont marry by then she has a way home.
 

Chadz30

Junior Member
Apr 22, 2018
8
0
0
#9
I didnt say she must break up with me. Im saying that when i talk to her and explain to her im not sure i want to marry, she doesn't want to accept it. Its hard enough putting it lightly to her, so i try tell her in ways that she can understand and doesnt hurt her. But its like she doesn't want to get it and understand we cant get married. Ive said enough to her to show her im seriously doubting everything.
 

Chadz30

Junior Member
Apr 22, 2018
8
0
0
#10
I understand that. But you should love and cherish them, and atleast in the beginning have a romance. Relationships arent sunshine and rainbows but its love and commitment that keep them going. And i dont feel that strong love or commitment for her. Ive felt it before so i know what its like. Im not over dependant on my feelings but we also need to be realistic... people need a certain level of feelings for another to stand before God and say you will always love and honor them.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,581
113
#11
Obviously her feelings for you are much stronger than yours for her. After July 10th you won't have to worry about it anymore.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,862
9,581
113
#12
You are absolutely right. However, dating apps and long distance dating rarely if ever, work out. So you should give up going that route. People need total love and commitment to each other to stand before God and marry. :) And if you marry someone you don't love, it will only bring you and her nothing but heartbreak and unhappiness when the inevitable divorce happens.. You're wise to break it off now.


I understand that. But you should love and cherish them, and atleast in the beginning have a romance. Relationships arent sunshine and rainbows but its love and commitment that keep them going. And i dont feel that strong love or commitment for her. Ive felt it before so i know what its like. Im not over dependant on my feelings but we also need to be realistic... people need a certain level of feelings for another to stand before God and say you will always love and honor them.
 
S

Sweetmorningdew78

Guest
#13
I understand that. But you should love and cherish them, and atleast in the beginning have a romance. Relationships arent sunshine and rainbows but its love and commitment that keep them going. And i dont feel that strong love or commitment for her. Ive felt it before so i know what its like. Im not over dependant on my feelings but we also need to be realistic... people need a certain level of feelings for another to stand before God and say you will always love and honor them.
I dont know what to do...


It seems like you answered your question already....break it off and let her go...she will get it over soon and will forget you ... She will realized it in the future and will thank you that you broke it off...and I hope you didnt sleep with her yet..because sleeping with someone before marriage is fornication and besides it is a selfish act in your part if u sleep with her even if u know in your heart that this girl is not the one u want to be with for the rest of your life.
 
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Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,782
841
113
53
#14
Long story short... we met on a Christian dating app. Im male 30 she's 27. I went to visit her in her country, met her family etc. I was there for 2 weeks and we got engaged. But even while I was there I didnt feel very attracted or "in love". There was feelings and I thought since we had come so far already, we deserve a chance to try. She got a visa and came back with me to my country. My family likes her and all is ok here but we have a month and half left to marry.

I am having serious doubts... and frankly i dont want to marry her. I feel trapped. I know its my fault... everything went so fast before i couldnt even realize I wasnt happy. I tried telling her 2 weeks ago I had some doubts, that i was unsure etc hoping she would get the point that i wasnt happy. She flipped, got angry, didnt want to talk to me for 2 days. I then said to her i was only saying that im unsure but doesn't mean i dont want to marry. I tried talking to her again 2 nights ago about it and she started crying... each night now i see her cry when we go to bed and its ripping my insides apart. I feel like I am now the evil one, the horrible person for bringing her here and now have a change of heart. And she really isnt shy of making me feel guilty about it. I just cant understand why if she can see im not happy, why does she still want to marry me and say shes happy? It makes no sense. I just feel trapped here... and sooner or later I have to tell her straight up i cant marry her.

I feel bad because shes had failed past relationships and she prayed hard and fasted about us before we did all this. And now its like Im letting her down, letting God down... basically everyone is going to hate me after this. I have to now endure the guilt and hurt of knowing i broke her heart and she trusted me... i know I was stupid to rush... but this is just too much. And each time I bring it up she cries and then i feel too bad to tell her i cant marry her.

I dont know what to do...
Pray about it and ask God for direction and strength.
Be straight with her but be kind. If you don't truly love her, marrying her will only build resentment and marriage based on a lie is doomed from the start. If she doesn't care whether you love her or not...that's a red flag that says she's trying to escape something...and you're the escape goat to help her...which means she doesn't really love you either. So put a stop to it before you do marry her and end up bringing children into the picture. You don't want to be trapped that way either and you don't want to deal with that heartache.
 

Lewiz

Senior Member
Mar 11, 2018
346
22
18
#15
Something to think about........... being on a christian dating site doesn't make one a christian.

Many such 'christian' sites are snake harbors for scams & criminals to get a free ride to the US.

Making you feel guilty of bringing her here isn't christian at all.

Why would someone want to stay with you & marry you after they find out you don't love them & make you feel guilty for it?

Instant US citizenship, maybe?

IMO, you've been played & you need to repent of your foolishness & send her away.

If I were a betting man, I'd bet she will cash her ticket in & stay anyways.
 

socalpoppy

Junior Member
May 7, 2018
33
24
8
#16
I do not live in either of your cultures, so it is hard for me to understand how you got into this situation. But you are and that is where you need to start. In the US culture, at 30 you would most likely be living on your own, not with family, so when you say, "each night now i see her cry when we go to bed and its ripping my insides apart", to my ears it sounds like you are sharing a bed. If that is the case, you might not understand how deeply she is connected to you. Women and men view sex differently. In a marriage, often the man uses sex to feel intimate and closer to his wife. For a woman, sex comes from the intimacy and closeness we already feel. We make ourselves completely vulnerable during sex, so the bonding and trust are there first. If you are sleeping together, she has already given so much of herself to you.

I think you need to show this woman love by putting her needs above her own. She needs to know that the relationship is over. Postponing it makes it worse. She will need to mourn the loss, but probably can do it best at home with her family, not while she is dependent on you because she is in your home. But I also agree with an above poster about a possible 'red flag' that she is trying to escape pain that she has at her actual home or in her country. Maybe you can ask her about that? Then get her home safely as soon as possible.

Again, I don't understand the cultural or political aspects of this, so I may be wrong in how to handle it. But I know you need to show her love and respect as you close down this relationship. I'm not saying you need to feel "love". But you need to take action to help her get to a safe place where she is no longer dependent on you.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
41,243
16,252
113
69
Tennessee
#17
Something to think about........... being on a christian dating site doesn't make one a christian.

Many such 'christian' sites are snake harbors for scams & criminals to get a free ride to the US.

Making you feel guilty of bringing her here isn't christian at all.

Why would someone want to stay with you & marry you after they find out you don't love them & make you feel guilty for it?

Instant US citizenship, maybe?

IMO, you've been played & you need to repent of your foolishness & send her away.

If I were a betting man, I'd bet she will cash her ticket in & stay anyways.
I believe that you have it backwards, it was the woman that got played. Also, the couple are currently in South Africa and not the United States. I used to make the occasional bet and I bet that if this guy breaks this off at this late stage of the game that she will use this ticket to get back home. He is the one that is making her have doubts, not her. He should feel guilty, gets engaged to a woman in another country, she leaves her home and family to start a new life with him in a strange country, soon as they arrive he is contemplating throwing her under the bus because he says that he doesn't really know her. Probably doing her a favor in the long one though. Why stay with a man who doesn't love you?
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
9,261
2,386
113
#18
I believe that you have it backwards, it was the woman that got played. Also, the couple are currently in South Africa and not the United States. I used to make the occasional bet and I bet that if this guy breaks this off at this late stage of the game that she will use this ticket to get back home. He is the one that is making her have doubts, not her. He should feel guilty, gets engaged to a woman in another country, she leaves her home and family to start a new life with him in a strange country, soon as they arrive he is contemplating throwing her under the bus because he says that he doesn't really know her. Probably doing her a favor in the long one though. Why stay with a man who doesn't love you?
This.

Regardless of who is at fault for this mess, there's no reason to make it worse with a life-long contract.
 

Lewiz

Senior Member
Mar 11, 2018
346
22
18
#19
I believe that you have it backwards, it was the woman that got played. Also, the couple are currently in South Africa and not the United States. I used to make the occasional bet and I bet that if this guy breaks this off at this late stage of the game that she will use this ticket to get back home. He is the one that is making her have doubts, not her. He should feel guilty, gets engaged to a woman in another country, she leaves her home and family to start a new life with him in a strange country, soon as they arrive he is contemplating throwing her under the bus because he says that he doesn't really know her. Probably doing her a favor in the long one though. Why stay with a man who doesn't love you?
It could have been both. She didn't seem innocent, either.
 

Chadz30

Junior Member
Apr 22, 2018
8
0
0
#20
No we dont sleep together. She does stay with me but we have strict rules about sex before marriage. We avoid it and also try avoid too much kissing etc too as we all know it leads to sex. But even when we kiss... i dont feel it... It feels like im just not attracted. I know i must break it off... just its really hard and the guilt is eating at me every day. I am good to her tho... i do hug and show her some affection... i try. I try always be respectful and kind, patient and understanding with everything if we have any conflicts. But telling her i have doubts etc, as nicely as i put it, never ends well. and it can be just as painful to break someones heart as it is getting it broken