I lost faith when I lost her so why the reversal this time?

Three years ago a girl I grew up with killed herself; it offset a n identity crisis. At 18 I no longer thought about dating or make-up but instead focussed on mortality and death. I grew up cathlioc and when she died that part of me died as well. I switched my bibles in place of Dawkins. Saints offered me no comfort I turned to scientists and philosophers for any sort of truth.

Why is it now, three years latter that I find myself drawn to Kieeregard and my King James? I just lost my very best friend in the whole world, my platonic soul mate. In the same way I lost fiath I gained in back, in the same dramtic world shifting cyclismic way. I( don't know the details and can not describe myself as christian but I have a strange certiantiy of life after death and some sort of loving creater.

Is this normal? Why would I lose faith with the loss of one of my friends and gain it back with the loss of another. Is it just some strange defense mechanism that my grief stricken heart relies on?

You are not alone. Many people experience the loss of faith at a traumatic event. And to turn to God at another traumatic event is also common. While it's not common, I know people who have experienced both as you describe.

Part of it might be your age at the two events. There may be other factors.

You were raised Catholic. I know that the RCC teaches that if you kill yourself you're not saved. I don't believe that. It is possible that one reason you turned away from religion when your friend killed herself is because you could not accept what your church taught about her death. Perhaps you went elsewhere to explain what had happened. You spent 3 years searching science for the answers, and when you realized that in cases like this -- personal, emotional trauma -- science doesn't provide the answers. Another trauma, and you turn back to God, just not back to the church that taught you about God.

Your church did a good thing: you were baptized as an infant, I suspect; an event that made you a child of God, an adopted heir to Jesus and his promise. The Church taught you about Jesus for 18 years, but she can only take you so far. There's a point in every person's life when teaching isn't enough, one needs to experience the love of Christ. In those times, the Church can be helpful by providing a network of sisters and brothers, people to talk to, who will encourage you in your continued journey. But the Church ultimately will not save you. Only Jesus does that.

I wish you the best in your continued journey. May God continue to bless you as you seek Him.