advice needed

I walked out of the house in a good mood and i got around my family and everything went downhill from their. My flesh took over,I didnt phsically sin(that i know of) but my mind was all over the place.....wondering about what others thought or we're thinking about me....judgmental thoughts....curse words.....everything you can think of basically. I tried to remind myself a couple of times that I belong to God and to be positive etc etc. I would try to repent in my mind or when i got to myself but that really didn't work because their was so much chaos around me. And the family I have isnt into the Christian lifestyle(that i really know of) at all so the anger, cursing, guns, ignorance, judging of others, and complaining was all about the air. But i did when i came home but I didn't feel as sincere or normal as usual but it was as sincere as i could be. I am constantly in and out of sadness, the feeling of failure and depression with this situation. This is one of the hardest things Ive ever done ....giving my whole life away....Ive never been this fearful and stressed before...This battle for a good relationship with God seems to have me in the air every now and then or being dragged across the rocks. I seek his face and feel nothing most of the time... I cry out to asking him to speak to me...show me something, anything just help me but most times I hear nothing. I know these problems may seem minor and insignificant to some but this is killing me. Seriously, sometimes I wish I found him earlier so it wouldn't have been so attached to the world or been born stillborn so I never would've have to deal with this world, honestly. Something has to be wrong with me or either he just doesn't wanna be bothered with me....idk but this driving me nuts. I ask the only couple of people I know that know about God and I kinda get bit and pieces or what feels like temporary advice but i long for eternal advice everyone wants to just give me sappy answers though. Somethings gotta give

Sorry about the rambling guys I kind of just typed what is on my mind at the moment.

just now pray and ask the Lord too Clear YOUR MIND AND TO SPIRITIUALLY CENTER YOUR MIND AMEN.
bee blessed allways amen....

Yes, we all do face a certain point wherein we just wanted to give up living in the light. I struggle when it comes to being graceful especially to the people that surrounds me. There came a time when I just wanted to give up. I prayed and I prayed but nothing is happening. My expectations was not met so I started to let go. I stopped praying for them, especially those who played a significant part of my life (like those whom I loved but have hurt me). I almost have given up all hope. That's when I found myself getting farther away from the Lord. I didn't want to read the bible, I don't pray and I started cursing people with words that surprises me too. I started hating myself because I let myself get caught in my weakness. I started hearing stuff such as you don't deserve to be called a Christian, you hypocrite! And I know that it's the devil whispering to me, mocking me. But you know what, in my struggle, I have experienced that God is faithful and that he will not allow you to struggle beyond what you can bear (1 Cor.10:13). I still cant tell you the happy ending to this story yet because I am still facing the same dilemma. However, the difference is that I know that I am not alone in this thing. God is with me ("So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" -Isaiah 42:10).

I just wanted to share a little bit of my story to you. You are not alone my friend.

Just don't give up hope ("even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping--believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, "That's how many descendants you will have!" -romans 4:18)...

and keep on fighting a good fight ("I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith -2 Timothy 4:7).

My prayers aren't still answered but hey everything is beautiful in His time (Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end -Ecclesiastes 3:11)

these are the verses that helped me along the way, I hope it might help you too.