I just recently got his free comedy news letter from Bob Smiley....so i will post it here for your enjoyment! ^_^
[i'm sorry if the formatting gets all messed up!]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]It used to be that my mouth got me in fights and now its my kids mouths that do it. And people dont get mad at the kids...no...they punch the father. Zander and I were in Goodwill the other day. I scored by the way! I got a toothbrush for a dime...it was a soft brush kind. Well, it was soft brush when I got it. I dont know what it started out as. All I know is that someone was a biter!
Anyway, Zander sees this overweight dude and says, "Wow, you're really...." then he paused which I was thankful for because I knew what he was going to say. Then Zander continues, "I was going to say you're really fat but my dad says that fat people dont like to be told their fat." I was like "Excuse me sir, could you punch me on the right side of the face? The swelling hasn't gone down from yesterday when he told the karate instructor he looked like a girl in those white pajamas."
I like having all boys because there's no drama or crying. For example, last year our bird died. I expected a lot of weeping over it but they were fine. In fact, my nine year old said, "Cool. Now we can play badminton!" I shared this at a show once and some people groaned which was odd. I thought everyone recycled. I thought the entire country was going "Green!" For the record, that bird was green...eventually. I'm off topic.
With three boys there's no drama but the fighting is non-stop. And Talking to three kids while they're fighting is a lot like negotiating a hostage deal. I find myself saying things like, "Put your brother down! Put him down. On the ground, not on the stove. Keep your hands where I can see them. Drop that dart gun. Dont you dare shoot...ok that's it. If I have a red circle on my forehead no wii for a week!"
The wii is a great grounding tool by the way and I should know because my wife uses it on me. I'm a wii-aholic...which is actually a condition my grandfather used to have but that is off topic as well.
My son talked me into the wii by saying it was so realistic. The first game I played was baseball. Colter pitched one to me and I swung the remote around and "BOOM!" it was amazing! I shouted, "Oh my gosh! That really does feel like I hit something! That is so cool, Colter! Colter? Colter? Oh no...."
I turned to see my nine year old laying on the floor holding his head. The embarrassing part of the story is that I'm so competitive I picked up his remote and pitched me a nice slow one right over the plate!
I used to not be pro-video games because of the whole controversy that if you do it on a video game, you'll do it in real life... which never made sense to me because I played video games when I was a kid but I've never run down an alleyway eating dots while 4 ghost chased me. I've yet to stand on a bad graphics alligator while trying to swing on a vine. I've never once threw a barrel at a monkey in order to save a girl. Well, I did once in a bar in college but that was before I was a Christian.
The point is the wii is amazing. I actually have to get in shape now just to play. The other day I was bent over breathing really hard in the living room because I'd just finished playing boxing on the wii. My wife walked in and said, "What's wrong with you...besides the normal stuff?" I gasped, "The wii..." She said, "Well, you are a wii little man."
I've actually started working out again just so I'll be good at the wii. I use to run a lot when I was a kid...mostly because that ice cream van driver was a jerk.
Lately, I've been doing these work out classes at the YMCA. Here's a tip: Do your research before you sign up for one of those classes. I first signed up for this french exercise class called "Lamaze". That's not a good exercise program for getting in shape. I knew right away because when I walked into class there were people who'd been taking the class for 8 months and they were in horrible shape! They couldn't even sit on the floor without breathing really fast!
I quit after only two days mostly because of this video they played. I assumed it was going to be some kind of aerobics but it turned out to be an alien autopsy. I didn't know how I could possibly do that three times a week for twenty minutes.
I then signed up for "Spin class" which is a badly named class. Spin class is a bicycling class where you ride a stationary bike for an hour while evidently doing Lamaze. However, I thought Spin class just involved everyone spinning around the room. That's why you need an instructor...so people wouldn't run into each other. So, I showed up early, put on my Dramamine patch and started spinning around the room. The teacher came over and said, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm warming up." She said, "Why dont you go try some other class...preferably something that I'm not teaching like Lamaze." I told her I didn't like the french.
But the point is...actually I'm not sure what the point is. But I do know its a new year and everyone is starting new exercise programs, playing with their new wii's, etc. etc. So I want to remind everyone, as your starting your new year, be sure to prioritize. Dont get sidetracked into putting off the important things. For instance, I just got a new Ipod touch and I instantly downloaded the "Bible In A Year" application. This way I can use my new gift to grow closer to God instead of it taking me farther away from time with Him. Of course, I haven't read anything yet because I also downloaded a "Whoopie Cushion" application and only just stopped playing with it long enough to write this newsletter but you get my point!
Also, I want to know what you got for Christmas and/or at Goodwill recently! [/FONT]
