Journal entry #1
So I decided to write a journal to God, my own personal thoughts to the father. That and I feel it is also important that everyone can see an understand my heart as I pour it into this journal as my thoughts. Dear Jesus, I have been struggling a lot recently. I try to be strong and I keep the faith, but sometimes I just cannot be strong at all. Sometimes Lord I feel so weak in my struggles I think and say things I know I should not such as where are you Lord? Or when will the struggle end? Or when will you show me your healing hand? Yet even then I feel inside you are saying( I am still here and I need you to be strong for me)
Sometimes however when I don't expect you to save me from my troubles as I have asked many times before even yet I ask again you free me from my pain. This pain I feel is not always a physical pain but a spiritual pain, not a spiritual dryness but I can feel the heavy weight of my daily struggles in life and it affects my spiritual life very strongly.
However this is not how things are right now, I know that these troubles will arise soon enough but for now we are at peace together. Jesus, I really miss you. I long to be with you again, and I continue to pray to see you again. and Father, you of all people know how deeply I wish to be with you. How deeply I wish to search that heart of yours to my hearts content. What would I find in there Lord?
I once imagined you and me in that white place we met before, and you showed me your heart and said to me( Search to your hearts content) I touched it and began my search. I found so many amazing things in there, the full blunt of who you are and how majestic your glory is. And All I could see when I saw me was me being consumed by your heart and finally I had obtained all I seek in you, and my tears were continually pouring out of my eyes like heavy rain because of how beautiful you are.
Father, I often ponder my motives for things. I am always concerned about wanting things for the right reason, always Lord I am constantly trying to keep myself in check. Because I know the way I see people, and how I can only see through these fleshly eyes and not yours. How I can only seem to love through my fleshly heart and not yours. When I see a person who is over weight or is not the best looking person my first reaction is to see only that, and then in the very instant I see this I say to myself, this is not what I see. I know you sometimes speak through me, so I sometimes wonder if that is actually you speaking when I say to myself This is not what I see.
Lord, what bothers me the most is how I am not like you yet. I refuse to not love and care as deeply and as abundantly as you do, and I refuse to see people and life as the world does and not how you do. If it were my choice Lord I would go blind so I could finally see as you do, I would rather not see than to see through these fleshly eyes and as we humans see.
Because in our nature we are judgmental, and I would gladly give you my fleshly heart so I could have yours. What is the point of seeing if we do not see as you do? and what is the point of loving if we do not love as you do?
I could go on and on about these things father, but my life was not meant to be lived for myself. If I am to be strong at all, or have all the things I desire in you it must not be for myself. above all Lord in the end it's going to be for you and for then for the people of the world. This is why Lord I must become very strong in faith, it is why I seek you so deeply and why I seek a very deep level of being just like you. Because it was never about me, but always for you and for them.
For now Lord this is it, Just always remember father why I seek all I do and always Lord have mercy on me a I am a weak sinner.