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J
Tough Love is a term many have different view of. Since this is
Miscellaneous I have no problem with sharing ~ Tough love is
when we have had to seek God for direction when we were not
certain we were doing the right thing. Tough Love is allowing the
one who chooses to live life contrary to what is moral, go their
own way. Tough love is harder on the parent or person who has
to let go and let God. Things don't always work the way we want,
so who can guide us best, than God ?
When I questioned God about this subject regarding if we did the
right thing by our adult daughter, it took a while before He answered
me. He spoke to my spirit and said "Had we tried to bring her into
our home, she would not have learned to lean upon Him." He showed
me she would have been dependent upon us and it was not His will.
I knew it was true of God because of her relationship she had with
Him. She never asked to come home, but she was always welcomed
and she was a loving and appreciative daughter.
Do I have regrets? Of course. Do I feel I could have changed her?
No. She was an adult and I praise God He did take care of her until
it was time for her to leave this earth.
Miscellaneous I have no problem with sharing ~ Tough love is
when we have had to seek God for direction when we were not
certain we were doing the right thing. Tough Love is allowing the
one who chooses to live life contrary to what is moral, go their
own way. Tough love is harder on the parent or person who has
to let go and let God. Things don't always work the way we want,
so who can guide us best, than God ?
When I questioned God about this subject regarding if we did the
right thing by our adult daughter, it took a while before He answered
me. He spoke to my spirit and said "Had we tried to bring her into
our home, she would not have learned to lean upon Him." He showed
me she would have been dependent upon us and it was not His will.
I knew it was true of God because of her relationship she had with
Him. She never asked to come home, but she was always welcomed
and she was a loving and appreciative daughter.
Do I have regrets? Of course. Do I feel I could have changed her?
No. She was an adult and I praise God He did take care of her until
it was time for her to leave this earth.
R
I think it is always better to teach with kindness and patience. Sometimes we make mistakes, and life requires that we learn tough lessons to make us stronger. Life is already the "tough love" because inevitably we'll all face challenges. The parents should be there to help make those lessons easier. Not add yet more hurdles. I am not a parent so my opinion is not backed up by years of experience in the least. But it is still something I feel strongly about.
One example: I do not think it is okay for a parent to remind their kid that they are fat constantly "for their own good". If they are concerned about the child's weight, then they should make positive changes in their lifestyle that support a healthy weight, like adding more nutritional substitutes at dinner time, and not buying soda, and doing things outdoor as a family. I'm sure chubby kids are being teased enough as it is by school kids. They don't need it from parents too. Hurtful comments do not "build character". They only crumble it.
One example: I do not think it is okay for a parent to remind their kid that they are fat constantly "for their own good". If they are concerned about the child's weight, then they should make positive changes in their lifestyle that support a healthy weight, like adding more nutritional substitutes at dinner time, and not buying soda, and doing things outdoor as a family. I'm sure chubby kids are being teased enough as it is by school kids. They don't need it from parents too. Hurtful comments do not "build character". They only crumble it.
The Good News is, the example you gave does not fall under the category of "tough love." Rather under the category of belittling children, and the Word of God teaches against this.
Tough Love is ALWAYS a difficult thing for a loving parent to exercise with one of their children, but there are times when it is required. Just as God chastises His children that He surely loves, we also must chastise our children that we love if necessary.
Tough Love is ALWAYS a difficult thing for a loving parent to exercise with one of their children, but there are times when it is required. Just as God chastises His children that He surely loves, we also must chastise our children that we love if necessary.
I will try and speak in generalities, because I don't think a public forum is a place to speak about ones family.
In general, tough love is when a parent is in a position to discipline an unruly child. It can be the result of many different acts of disobedience, or reckless behavior.
1) Say a child is told to clean up their room. Pick up toys, take dirty clothes to laundry room and such. And this is to be a daily responsibility of the child. Now the time comes when the child simply does not do what is expected. First offense may only result in the parent lecturing the child on obedience and responsibility. Second offense may result in a more strict lecture with statements saying that any further failure to obey will result in far more serious punishment. Third, fourth offense, and the child displaying no desire whatsoever to be obedient, then it is certainly time for tough love. That being that the situation has regressed to a point where the parent must chastise/discipline the child to bring them into a state of respect and obedience. This discipline can vary in ways and severity. Loss of allowance for a certain period of time. Loss of privileges such as watching TV, use of computer or cell phone, restriction to home and no friends over to visit play, up to a spanking.
Each parent must decide for themselves which form of discipline to use, and part of that is knowing what would be most effective with their child. There are other reasons for tough love to enter into the picture of parenting.......that was one simple example. Could be finding the child had been drinking alcohol, taking/using drugs are a couple of the more extreme reasons. Sneaking out of the house to go somewhere with a friend when they were told not to........or even if they were not told to, but had not asked permission. Poor/failing grades in School when the reason is a lack of effort on the child's part......not doing homework, not finishing assignments, etc.
Every parent will at one time or another be faced with a situation where they must exercise "tough love." It isn't anything a parent desires to do, however there are times it is necessary. Just as God chastises/corrects the children He loves, so must we, as loving parents, correct the children we love.
Think of Jonah............disobedience to God got him three days "restriction" in the belly of a whale.......Not for nothing, but that is a wee bit more severe than a quick spanking in my opinion.
Before anyone gets their BVD's in a wad, I am not advocating child abuse, so don't even start that junk with me.......my "ignore" list is long enough..........There is a huge difference between a properly administered spanking and child abuse.
In general, tough love is when a parent is in a position to discipline an unruly child. It can be the result of many different acts of disobedience, or reckless behavior.
1) Say a child is told to clean up their room. Pick up toys, take dirty clothes to laundry room and such. And this is to be a daily responsibility of the child. Now the time comes when the child simply does not do what is expected. First offense may only result in the parent lecturing the child on obedience and responsibility. Second offense may result in a more strict lecture with statements saying that any further failure to obey will result in far more serious punishment. Third, fourth offense, and the child displaying no desire whatsoever to be obedient, then it is certainly time for tough love. That being that the situation has regressed to a point where the parent must chastise/discipline the child to bring them into a state of respect and obedience. This discipline can vary in ways and severity. Loss of allowance for a certain period of time. Loss of privileges such as watching TV, use of computer or cell phone, restriction to home and no friends over to visit play, up to a spanking.
Each parent must decide for themselves which form of discipline to use, and part of that is knowing what would be most effective with their child. There are other reasons for tough love to enter into the picture of parenting.......that was one simple example. Could be finding the child had been drinking alcohol, taking/using drugs are a couple of the more extreme reasons. Sneaking out of the house to go somewhere with a friend when they were told not to........or even if they were not told to, but had not asked permission. Poor/failing grades in School when the reason is a lack of effort on the child's part......not doing homework, not finishing assignments, etc.
Every parent will at one time or another be faced with a situation where they must exercise "tough love." It isn't anything a parent desires to do, however there are times it is necessary. Just as God chastises/corrects the children He loves, so must we, as loving parents, correct the children we love.
Think of Jonah............disobedience to God got him three days "restriction" in the belly of a whale.......Not for nothing, but that is a wee bit more severe than a quick spanking in my opinion.
Before anyone gets their BVD's in a wad, I am not advocating child abuse, so don't even start that junk with me.......my "ignore" list is long enough..........There is a huge difference between a properly administered spanking and child abuse.
J
It appears "Tough Love" must have different meaning to different people
Love Sargilana, you speak of is beautifully explained.
I never ask anyone to speak against their family member regarding how
they deal with Tough Love if one feels it a touchy situation. I admire the
fact our friend wants to tone down what his meaning of touch love is.
In fact Tough Love for my situation, was years of having to watch a loved
one ruin a beautiful life and bring heartache to many. I have no problem
sharing because I feel there are other mother and fathers who are going
through similar situation. I believe many have cried buckets of tears seeking
God on their loved ones behalf. Years and years of praying. Journals we
look back and read those prayers and see what good those prayers did.
I think there are those who feel they have to do something similar and not
sure what to do. Prayer is the only answer, yet even then we really have to
be in tune to God and plead for guidance for us, or protection for the one in
need.
I would never tell anyone to practice it. I could not live with myself if I told
someone else to put a child out and something would happen to them.
Each situation is different. But chastisement in this situation I speak of was
not the TOUGH LOVE I bring to the board. Chastisement was something
I tried when she lived at home under our roof until she graduated and
married. She belonged to someone else by that time.
I tried to raising her in the best Christian environment and guidance according
to the Word of God. She was a beautiful person, but simply could not see
anything as wrong. I am not sure where her mind was, but she continued
on doing more of the things she could not do at home. Marriage was the easy
way to cut the cord and live her own life, her way.
I know it is strange speaking of an adult child ( by this time was divorced w/
2 children) and call it Tough Love. But as the tender years of her children
whom she loved dearly, were being affected, she lost them to their father.
Where does tough love come in now, in this picture ? After 2 stents in
rehab, and trying so hard to work and make a new life for herself, she would
slip back into old habits. We helped her without enabling her. When she needed
a place to live, she worked in town and was able to rent, etc. If she needed a
security deposit, we helped. If she was going to lose her apt. due to back rent
unpaid, we helped. When her furniture was sold she had in storage, and she
needed necessities, furniture, etc., we helped. But, she was still slipping away
from us. I shared Christ with her and she knew Him. She knew her struggles
were demonic and would call for prayer. Many of her letters and cards I have
kept over the years are filled with love and gratitude. Still she never asked to
come home. She finally had hit rock bottom and was trying to get her life back
on track. She needed medical attention, we offered. She needed dental work
we were in the process of helping her get that started when everything came
to a halt the night she froze to death, from having been left in a vehicle .
This is what Tough Love did to me. Her story is not a pleasant one and I am
not exposing everything. She would not care though, because she was just
like me, she was an open book. Tough Love... was knowing she had a need
and taking whatever her need was and seeing the joy on her face when she
opened up a shopping bag and find things she was in need of with out having
to tell us.
Christmas. Oh, my.... Tough Love.... Hardest time ever. She had become so
grateful for everything she received. She was like a child opening a gift and
would be so happy that it would be something she wanted but never told anyone.
She was 45 yrs old. It took so many years for her to find out living a life your
flesh tells you to do was leading to destruction. It was then she was repentant.
She was ready to start anew.
I will say it taught me to love those who were in the same condition she found
herself in. I at one time would have ignored that person who could not live a
straight and Godly life. I learned to love those she loved. I believe it was love
that brought her and I back into the Mother and Daughter bonding, and we
had something in common. We loved with the love of the Lord.
I believe if she could come back and tell you what Tough Love meant to her,
it would be the answer God gave me. It meant she was totally dependent
upon Him. She saw Him work miracles when she needed something. She
had a hard time forgiving herself. But she knew God had forgiven her.
Now do you understand why Tough Love can't be one set pattern ? It works
differently because no two people are alike.
However, parents suffer more than anyone knows. Even when we are doing
what we believe God led us to do, it is by faith I believe He meant what He
showed me about her 'being dependent upon Him' and it was what He wanted
to draw her closer to Him before He took her from this earth.
Christmas is the most difficult time for us because it was the last time we saw
her ~
May all who have loved ones away from home, please keep them in prayer and
know God will do all He can possibly do to help them. It may not always be the
way we want but He never fails to hear....The prayer of the righteous avails much.
God bless all and know I am keeping many in prayer who at this very moment
walking the same path I did. Tough Love is Gods Love ~ That is when He does
His best work, because He is love.
God be with all who are hurting ~ May you and your loved ones be covered under
the wings of His protection. Amen ~
Love Sargilana, you speak of is beautifully explained.
I never ask anyone to speak against their family member regarding how
they deal with Tough Love if one feels it a touchy situation. I admire the
fact our friend wants to tone down what his meaning of touch love is.
In fact Tough Love for my situation, was years of having to watch a loved
one ruin a beautiful life and bring heartache to many. I have no problem
sharing because I feel there are other mother and fathers who are going
through similar situation. I believe many have cried buckets of tears seeking
God on their loved ones behalf. Years and years of praying. Journals we
look back and read those prayers and see what good those prayers did.
I think there are those who feel they have to do something similar and not
sure what to do. Prayer is the only answer, yet even then we really have to
be in tune to God and plead for guidance for us, or protection for the one in
need.
I would never tell anyone to practice it. I could not live with myself if I told
someone else to put a child out and something would happen to them.
Each situation is different. But chastisement in this situation I speak of was
not the TOUGH LOVE I bring to the board. Chastisement was something
I tried when she lived at home under our roof until she graduated and
married. She belonged to someone else by that time.
I tried to raising her in the best Christian environment and guidance according
to the Word of God. She was a beautiful person, but simply could not see
anything as wrong. I am not sure where her mind was, but she continued
on doing more of the things she could not do at home. Marriage was the easy
way to cut the cord and live her own life, her way.
I know it is strange speaking of an adult child ( by this time was divorced w/
2 children) and call it Tough Love. But as the tender years of her children
whom she loved dearly, were being affected, she lost them to their father.
Where does tough love come in now, in this picture ? After 2 stents in
rehab, and trying so hard to work and make a new life for herself, she would
slip back into old habits. We helped her without enabling her. When she needed
a place to live, she worked in town and was able to rent, etc. If she needed a
security deposit, we helped. If she was going to lose her apt. due to back rent
unpaid, we helped. When her furniture was sold she had in storage, and she
needed necessities, furniture, etc., we helped. But, she was still slipping away
from us. I shared Christ with her and she knew Him. She knew her struggles
were demonic and would call for prayer. Many of her letters and cards I have
kept over the years are filled with love and gratitude. Still she never asked to
come home. She finally had hit rock bottom and was trying to get her life back
on track. She needed medical attention, we offered. She needed dental work
we were in the process of helping her get that started when everything came
to a halt the night she froze to death, from having been left in a vehicle .
This is what Tough Love did to me. Her story is not a pleasant one and I am
not exposing everything. She would not care though, because she was just
like me, she was an open book. Tough Love... was knowing she had a need
and taking whatever her need was and seeing the joy on her face when she
opened up a shopping bag and find things she was in need of with out having
to tell us.
Christmas. Oh, my.... Tough Love.... Hardest time ever. She had become so
grateful for everything she received. She was like a child opening a gift and
would be so happy that it would be something she wanted but never told anyone.
She was 45 yrs old. It took so many years for her to find out living a life your
flesh tells you to do was leading to destruction. It was then she was repentant.
She was ready to start anew.
I will say it taught me to love those who were in the same condition she found
herself in. I at one time would have ignored that person who could not live a
straight and Godly life. I learned to love those she loved. I believe it was love
that brought her and I back into the Mother and Daughter bonding, and we
had something in common. We loved with the love of the Lord.
I believe if she could come back and tell you what Tough Love meant to her,
it would be the answer God gave me. It meant she was totally dependent
upon Him. She saw Him work miracles when she needed something. She
had a hard time forgiving herself. But she knew God had forgiven her.
Now do you understand why Tough Love can't be one set pattern ? It works
differently because no two people are alike.
However, parents suffer more than anyone knows. Even when we are doing
what we believe God led us to do, it is by faith I believe He meant what He
showed me about her 'being dependent upon Him' and it was what He wanted
to draw her closer to Him before He took her from this earth.
Christmas is the most difficult time for us because it was the last time we saw
her ~
May all who have loved ones away from home, please keep them in prayer and
know God will do all He can possibly do to help them. It may not always be the
way we want but He never fails to hear....The prayer of the righteous avails much.
God bless all and know I am keeping many in prayer who at this very moment
walking the same path I did. Tough Love is Gods Love ~ That is when He does
His best work, because He is love.
God be with all who are hurting ~ May you and your loved ones be covered under
the wings of His protection. Amen ~
It depends on what you mean by that term. If you mean to be harsh and verbally bully your child, and call it 'tough love', then that's just wrong. Now I'm not against disciplining a child, because a child needs to be taught right from wrong, but I think that it is crucial, absolutely vital, to know what is discipline, the appropriate way to discipline a child, and what's child-abuse. Personally, I think if a child is being blatantly disrespectful towards their parent/s, then two open-palmed smacks, or one smack, on their bottom or thigh, is fine, that isn't too hard (that leaves welts/bruises or makes the child bleed), but hard (that leaves a sting, and yes, one or two pink marks. No mark means it was a tap). However, to smack a child for something petty and trivial, for no good reason, is abusive. To beat a child, is plain abuse, period. Again, it's about weighing it up. I grew up with a mother who'd verbally abuse me, poke and prod me for the littlest of things. At least when she smacked my bottom, it was for biting my sister's arm-a smack that my bottom warranted. There was a time when I was highly against CP, until 4 particular children were disrespecting me, BIG TIME at work (child-care), and that's when I just thought,'you need a good smack on your backside'.
J
Please scroll upward and read the long post. It is a story about my daughter.
I am the one who started the thread. You will see it is nothing like you are
talking about. I do think it would be wise to read all the posts... Many agree
with you. But again I am talking about a 45 yr. old daughter. Beautiful woman.
May you be blessed to know what my "tough love " was all about.
God bless you ~ J~ K~2
T
Bless your hear J-Kay-2 for posting this and sharing. When the prodigal son started demanding what he wanted, without respecting what he had, the Father let him go. He didn't go running after him, begging him to change his mind, even though Im sure he was heart broken and devastated to see his son leave in such circumstances. Its not easy to respect God given free will when a child has chosen badly. All the hopes and dreams a parent had for that child after years of holding them, nurturing them, loving them and teaching them are suddenly thrown to the ground and trampled under foot. My prayer for any of my children if they turn their back on God is that life will break them and bring them to the end of themselves, much like the prodigal son. I will not pray happiness and blessing. Yes, that's tough, especially when you want the BEST for thm in life but that best will never be found outside of Christ. I thank the Lord J-kay-2 that your daughter finally repented. The eternal perspective is the only one that truly counts.
A
Hi all Tough love is ok, but make sure we are showing real love, what we commonly call Christian love. 'Love is patient love is kind' However love sets boundaries and I for one think it is important even if this means parental discipline when needed. Love is the key, and God's love even though we differ slightly in our interpretations is the best! Basing our views on the Bible is a good place to start God bless all
Tough love is ok, but make sure we are showing real love, what we commonly call Christian love. 'Love is patient love is kind' However love sets boundaries and I for one think it is important even if this means parental discipline when needed. Love is the key, and God's love even though we differ slightly in our interpretations is the best! Basing our views on the Bible is a good place to start God bless all
J
Hi all Tough love is ok, but make sure we are showing real love, what we commonly call Christian love. 'Love is patient love is kind' However love sets boundaries and I for one think it is important even if this means parental discipline when needed. Love is the key, and God's love even though we differ slightly in our interpretations is the best! Basing our views on the Bible is a good place to start God bless all
Tough love is ok, but make sure we are showing real love, what we commonly call Christian love. 'Love is patient love is kind' However love sets boundaries and I for one think it is important even if this means parental discipline when needed. Love is the key, and God's love even though we differ slightly in our interpretations is the best! Basing our views on the Bible is a good place to start God bless all
about it. If you go back up to # 12, you will find the story that made
me bring up the topic. I appreciate your sharing your feelings. ~J~K~2