DISCLAIMER: Long post alert, but this is a very serious topic which needs to be addressed so please read it in it's entirety!! Thank you!!
Hey everyone, this is another chapter in my battles with different things. I have recently written about my battles with cancer, and epilepsy, in hopes of helping others who are going through the same things. What I am about to write is a true story. It is about my life-long battle with severe depression. Depression takes many forms. It may cause a person to self-harm, have addictions to drugs and/ or alcohol, and have feelings of being worthless, inadequate, and feeling like an unloved failure. Many times I have felt worthless, unloved, and that I would be better off dead. I have felt that no one cares, that I don't matter, and at times I have felt that God has forsaken me. It always seems that when we need him the most, is when he feels the farthest away from us and cant hear us and does'nt care. Nothing could be further from the truth!! He DOES care! He IS listening! He IS with us.
I had a very lonely, unhappy childhood. I had very few friends. My best friend, who I have told my deepest, darkest thoughts and secrets to, is a brown teddy bear that my mom knitted for me when I was one year old. Teddy and I have literally been through hell together. Today he is old and ragged, and I have many battle scars!! Teddy knows all my pain, all my hurts, all my dirty little secrets that even my family don't know about. For the last several decades, since about age 12 or 13, I have struggled with severe depression nearly every day. I have never gotten along with my mother or oldest sister. They are both very mentally and verbally abusive people. I love them but I dont like them. My two sisters are only two years apart in age. I am 9 and 11 years younger, respectively, than they are. I dont get along with my oldest sister because life has bitterly jaded her and she is a nasty, negative person to be around and I cant handle that. For the most part, I never see her unless I absolutely have to. She has always been very nasty and rude to me, and negative to everyone in general. She is just like my mother in that respect. My mother is polite to others, but very curt to her own kids, except for my brother. He is her favorite child, and she never lets us girls forget it either!! Funny how she wanted girls, and had 3 of them, and had a boy and treats him like gold.
I have always wondered if my oldest sister is jealous of me because I grew up pretty much as an only child. My siblings had all moved out by the time I was old enough. My mother used to hit my sisters, but my brother claims he does not remember this, but then again he IS her favorite, and always defends her. I have never gotten along with my mom either. She had her own unhappy childhood, and she was beaten too, and she projected that behavior onto her own kids. When I was born, my sisters told my mother she was NOT going to hit me like she had with them, and she never did.. She used mental and verbal abuse instead. She would call me weird, odd, and strange. The truth is, she made me that way!! LOL. All my life I have felt very unloved by her. She does not know how to express her emotions very well. She always found, and still does, things to nitpick on me about. For the most part, and to preserve what little sanity I have left, I ignore her unless I absolutely cant avoid her. All my life I have resented her and hated her. But there comes a point where you just need to forgive and let go and move on.
About four years ago, my depression got the best (or worst) of me. My mom and I were having problems, I had just gotten over having cancer, and I had a wicked flea infestation that I just could not get rid of no matter what I tried!! Well, my mom and the fleas sent me over the edge into a deep dark hole. I was on the phone with my dad, screaming that I hated my mother, and bawling so hard I couldnt even breathe. My poor dad is always stuck in the middle--he wishes we could all just get along like the Brady Bunch or something. LOL. Anyway, I got off the phone, and still bawling and screaming, I yelled at God, "I wish you would bring my cancer back with a vengeance and let it kill me"!! Yes, I know that's an awful thing to say, but at the time I was totally serious. My depression worsened to the point where I could visually picture myself hanging from a rafter on my back porch!! That is an awful thought and an awful vision to have in one's head!! That is what depression does. It draws you down into the darkness and gives you those thoughts and images. I knew something had to change or I'd die.
My depression totally changed who I was. I went from being a happy, laughing 5 year old to a quiet, sad teenager, to a full-blown anti-social adult. Other things contributed also, but the main one was my depression. Rather often, I look at myself at 5 years old, and wonder where that happy girl went to and if I can get her back again. Thanks to God, I am succeeding in doing that!! I had misplaced my faith for a VERY long time--several years.. I had strayed away from God and I knew I had to find my faith again. I knew that only my faith in God, and God himself, could pull me out of the darkness I was in. I tried to read my bible more, and I downloaded several bible verse pictures to use as computer wallpaper. I decided to make a faith book. The name of my faith book is a pun off the word "Facebook." My faith book is a computer folder full of bible verses, pictures, poems, prayers, inspirational sayings, wallpaper and screensavers. Anything that gives me hope and courage is in there. Anything that inspires me to keep going on with life and not give up is in there. Things that remind me to keep trusting in Jesus are in there. I use my faith book every day, both on my computer and on here, because my avatar of the blue ladybug is in my faith book. Ladybugs symbolize hope for me. A different wallpaper on my computer every day reminds me how blessed and loved I am.
These days, when I need a good laugh, I watch funny cat videos on Youtube. If I need a good cry, I just look at pictures of people and animals that I have lost. I felt compelled to join a christian chat room, so I typed "christian chat rooms" into my computer. Out of the 3 sites that I looked at, this site was the only one I could actually preview before I joined.
Lately, I have been writing on topics that I have read about in other people's posts on here. Topics such as self-harm, depression, suicide/suicidal thoughts, disease and disabilities. I have battled every single one of these things, and by God's grace, gained victory over them!! I have first-hand knowlege of these subjects, for I have battled with them for over 30 years now. I feel I need to share my stories with all of you in the hopes of giving others fighting with the same things the courage and strength to keep going and never give up!!
To those of you struggling with ANY type of problem, I truly know how it feels. I have been in that dark place where you are now. I know how it feels to think you have nothing to live for, and no one to care about you. Remember this: God cares!! Jesus cares!! You CAN overcome depression, ANY problem, if you put your mind to it!! If you have Jesus you can do ANYTHING!! You can let your troubles drag you down into darkness, or you can use it to rise up into the light and become stronger. Jesus knows exactly what you and I go through. He knows that if we trust him to carry us through the darkness, we will emerge into the awesome light on the other side. Dont ever give up, dont ever give in!! My inbox on here is always open and anyone who is struggling right now is always welcome to pm me. I made it through the darkness..I know you can make it, too. Trust God, keep your faith strong, banish Satan, and believe that God is always with you. Your situation can, and will, get better. Not overnight, but they will get better.
This is my true story. I hope it will strengthen and inspire you, and give you hope and courage. I dedicate this thread to all who are struggling right now. You are amazing, and you will win this fight!! God bless you all.