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Thread: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Exclamation Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    DISCLAIMER: Long post alert, but please read it because this is an important issue that many people on here are dealing with right now!!


    Hi everyone,

    Since a very young age, I have struggled with major depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts. I am writing my story today in hopes that it will help those of you who are feeling this way to find inspiration and courage, and give you the strength to never give up. My very first attempt was around 11 or 12 years old, give or take a year or two either way, and my method of suicide was a pair of my mother's sewing scissors. It was the middle of the night, and I went to her sewing room and got the scissors. My intent was to stab myself in the stomach with them, and hopefully bleed to death. However, a few things deterred my attempt. I was a young child, and I've always been unable to tolerate pain of any kind. Needless to say, I chickened out and put my mother's scissors back in her sewing room.

    Thus began a lifetime of suicidal thoughts, more than one tried (and failed) attempts. Many of you have read my 3 other threads detailing my battles with depression, cancer, and disabilities. For those who have'nt, they can all be found in the Miscellaneous forum, within the first few pages. Please read them and you will better understand why I have felt this way for most of my life.
    The titles of the threads are: "Depression: A Ladybug's True Story of Dark vs. Light".."Disabilities: How do you cope with yours?"..and "blue_ladybug's uterine cancer battle." I hope my battles will strengthen those of you who read, and have read them.

    I grew up having very few friends. I was a very anti-social child, meaning I much preferred to go off alone rather than spend time with other people. To this day, I still prefer my own company to that of others. At a very young age, I developed epilepsy. From then on it was a continuous cycle of multiple grand mal and petit mal seizures every single day, and a million switches from one med to another. Some made me gain weight, some made me sleepy. I went from being a happy 5-year old, then an unhappy kid, to a terribly depressed and anti-social teenager. A combination of life, epilepsy, being teased by friends for certain things, and mean and rude comments by my mother, fueled my suicidal mindset. I HATED high school with a passion. Other kids made fun of me. They thought I was strange because I would have grand mal seizures in front of them and they did'nt understand why. I've come to learn that people mock what they dont understand, and while none of them teased me about my seizures, they did tease me about other things. All my life my mom has called me weird, odd, and strange. She had an unhappy childhood of her own, and took it out on her own kids. My sisters and brother are all several years older than me, so I grew up without playmates, and pretty much as an only child. However, my mother was, and still is, both mentally and verbally abusive, and she never missed a chance to show me how disappointed she was in me, and what a failure she thought I was. She never actually called me a failure, but her attitude left no room for doubt.

    Fast-forward a couple of years to age 21. I moved into my very first apartment. Though I had grown up quiet and shy, once I was on my own, I turned into a bit of a wild child, and started hanging out with all the wrong people. Druggies for the most part, though I have never done drugs in my entire lifetime. When I was 23, one of the guys I met came to my house one night. He grabbed me and tied me to the bed, gagged me and raped me. That event was the catalyst to the suicidal thoughts that I've had ever since 1993, when the rape occurred. Afterwards, I withdrew even more from society, like a turtle pulling its head into its shell to protect myself. I was sure if I went out in public, that somehow people would be able to tell that I'd been raped. I have tried several different ways of killing myself: pills, cutting, scissors and butcher knife. On my part, they were half-hearted attempts. One part of me wanted to die, the other part was scared to die. I have been a christian all my life, and I was raised to believe that if a person commits suicide, they go to hell. That fact is why I'm alive today. I dont want to go to hell!! To those of you suffering right now, I know how it feels. I have stood in that dark valley of despair. I have felt so low that no one could possibly help me. I know how it feels to think no one cares, I'd be better off dead, no one loves me and will help me.

    I have been through hell in my lifetime, dealing with different things that have happened to me. Each time I tried to rely on God, even when it seemed like he had given up on me also. I prayed for relief from these feelings and thoughts, but they still constantly ran through my mind. A few years ago, everything collided at once. I was having problems with my mother and sister, I had a very bad flea infestation in my house that I could not get rid of, and just a variety of things hit me all at once. I almost had a mental breakdown and it was then that I realized I needed help. Not pills or counselors. The help I needed could only come from God. So I made a concious effort to do something to lift me out of the dark pit of hell that I was in. I prayed and begged for God's help. He lifted me up out of the darkness and into the light. He gave me suggestions on what I could do to help myself keep a more positive outlook on life. I'm happy to say that I made it through the darkness with God's help, and never once did he forsake me!!

    For those of you who feel helpless right now, do what I did. Reach out to Jesus for help. He WILL carry you through the dark places in your life. Do things to give you a more positive outlook on life. Get a hobby, such as knitting or making jewelry. Make a faith book, like I did. Download bible verse wallpaper onto your computer, and use one everyday to lift your spirits. Read your bible and pray. Ask Jesus to help you.
    Dont say that it's too late for you, or that Jesus doesnt hear you, and doesnt understand. YES HE DOES!!! Jesus understands pain and anguish better than anyone!! He weeps when he sees us in pain, just as we weep when we think of what he went through on the cross for us.

    I made it through the darkness of my suicidal tendencies, into the light of Jesus. You can make it also, I know you can, because I am living proof of it!! No matter what, you cannot give up!! Dont give into the darkness satan has waiting for you. Stand up and fight and you WILL overcome this!! To those of you who have lost someone to suicide, my heart goes out to you, for I have felt that pain also, and lost many friends and family to it.
    This is my story, and I'm glad to share it with all of you. I hope it blesses and encourages all who read it. My mail inbox is always open, so please pm me anytime if you feel suicidal and want to talk. God bless you all.

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    Senior Member ThePottersClay's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    The thing is once you realize that Jesus can clear those thoughts of depression and allow him to renew your mind, and allow Him to provide a support mechanism such as friends who can encourage you, the light shines brighter and the once cloudy-with-a-chance-of-meatballs feeling start to slowly disappear, leaving open NOTHING but blue skies!!


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    Senior Member Toska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Another very brave testimony about a very real problem in many people's lives today. Blue_ladybug, I am so sorry that you have gone through so many terrible trials in your life. One thing I see in your posts, though, is the strength you have gained through these trials. You are such a strong and caring woman--it takes a lot of courage to talk openly about these kinds of things.

    God loves you and He gave you the strength to endure. Now you are using that strength to help others. What a beautiful thing you are doing in His name!

    God Bless.

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by Toska View Post
    Another very brave testimony about a very real problem in many people's lives today. Blue_ladybug, I am so sorry that you have gone through so many terrible trials in your life. One thing I see in your posts, though, is the strength you have gained through these trials. You are such a strong and caring woman--it takes a lot of courage to talk openly about these kinds of things.

    God loves you and He gave you the strength to endure. Now you are using that strength to help others. What a beautiful thing you are doing in His name!

    God Bless.
    Toska, thank you. Yes, God has given me immense courage to continue on despite whatever I've been through, and will go through in the future. Helping others is exactly why I am writing all these threads!! Why keep my life battles hidden away, when I can share them with others who I know are going through the same things right now? I hope that my war stories give the ones who read them, the strength and courage and patience to endure.

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by ThePottersClay View Post
    The thing is once you realize that Jesus can clear those thoughts of depression and allow him to renew your mind, and allow Him to provide a support mechanism such as friends who can encourage you, the light shines brighter and the once cloudy-with-a-chance-of-meatballs feeling start to slowly disappear, leaving open NOTHING but blue skies!!

    tash, amen sister!! Hah hah!! There IS a light shining brightly in the midst of the darkness. Look for it, reach for it, and let it guide you into the light of Jesus.

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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    You really inspire me. Every time I get onlinlook for your posts. God is definitely using you in others lives.

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by wantstogiveup View Post
    You really inspire me. Every time I get onlinlook for your posts. God is definitely using you in others lives.
    ​"willnotgiveup", thank you!! I'm glad you find my stories inspiring--that's exactly why I write them.
    tourist likes this.

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    Senior Member Tinkerbell725's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    I really admire your strength. That was a very traumatic experience but you endured all that. God has definitely lead you to safety. To God be the Glory.
    blue_ladybug and tourist like this.
    "Only a person who risks is free"

    "Honor God, eat, play, laugh"

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by Tinkerbell725 View Post
    I really admire your strength. That was a very traumatic experience but you endured all that. God has definitely lead you to safety. To God be the glory.


    Tinkerbell, thank you sis! I certainly agree with you on giving God the glory!
    tourist and Tinkerbell725 like this.





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



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    Thumbs up Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    May I say that I loved you?

    PS

    It doesn´t matter I be liked or not. I felt it and that´s enough for me.
    JesusLives and tourist like this.

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by secularhermit View Post
    May I say that I loved you?

    PS

    It doesn´t matter I be liked or not. I felt it and that´s enough for me.
    Sure you can say it. I'm glad you read my story on this, hermit.





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



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    Senior Member Trinity33's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    I came in on this thread last night....wanted to tell my story but was a bit afraid to do so. But Blue Ladybug, u make it easy. In 2011 my 17 year old son Tyler took his life. I loved him so much but he had things he couldn't deal with..I guess. I was left with such a gapping hole in my heart that it changed me. My character was even different. I had changed enough to realize my current life was not acceptiable. I had been a christian for 2years by this time and boy i must say at first it tested my faith. Then, just when I thought all was lost, I felt Gods love for me in a moment I will never forget. It was as if he said...hey Pam no more feeling sad....I love you. I still feel sad and miss my son terribly but God gave me 2 beautiful daughters so I know he is always with me :-)

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by Trinity33 View Post
    I came in on this thread last night....wanted to tell my story but was a bit afraid to do so. But Blue Ladybug, u make it easy. In 2011 my 17 year old son Tyler took his life. I loved him so much but he had things he couldn't deal with..I guess. I was left with such a gapping hole in my heart that it changed me. My character was even different. I had changed enough to realize my current life was not acceptiable. I had been a christian for 2years by this time and boy i must say at first it tested my faith. Then, just when I thought all was lost, I felt Gods love for me in a moment I will never forget. It was as if he said...hey Pam no more feeling sad....I love you. I still feel sad and miss my son terribly but God gave me 2 beautiful daughters so I know he is always with me :-)
    Trinity (Pam), I am so sorry for your loss. Just remember that Tyler's death in this world is only the beginning of a wonderful new life with Jesus. Things like this always test our faith, because as humans, we cannot fathom how such a thing could happen. We don't always see the reason behind something like this. We only know that a loved one is gone, and we don't know why God could allow something so horrible to happen. God knew Tyler's mindset, and in that instant when he took his life, I can assure you that God was right there with him. Everything happens for a reason--and God used this tragedy to bring you closer to him. God is always with us, he NEVER leaves us, and I firmly believe that Tyler will always be with you.





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



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    Senior Member Trinity33's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    Trinity (Pam), I am so sorry for your loss. Just remember that Tyler's death in this world is only the beginning of a wonderful new life with Jesus. Things like this always test our faith, because as humans, we cannot fathom how such a thing could happen. We don't always see the reason behind something like this. We only know that a loved one is gone, and we don't know why God could allow something so horrible to happen. God knew Tyler's mindset, and in that instant when he took his life, I can assure you that God was right there with him. Everything happens for a reason--and God used this tragedy to bring you closer to him. God is always with us, he NEVER leaves us, and I firmly believe that Tyler will always be with you.
    Thank you so very much.... I know he's happy now. :-)

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    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    Trinity (Pam), I am so sorry for your loss. Just remember that Tyler's death in this world is only the beginning of a wonderful new life with Jesus. Things like this always test our faith, because as humans, we cannot fathom how such a thing could happen. We don't always see the reason behind something like this. We only know that a loved one is gone, and we don't know why God could allow something so horrible to happen. God knew Tyler's mindset, and in that instant when he took his life, I can assure you that God was right there with him. Everything happens for a reason--and God used this tragedy to bring you closer to him. God is always with us, he NEVER leaves us, and I firmly believe that Tyler will always be with you.
    This is beautiful and loving comfort that you have provided. I believe that Tyler is in the presence of God's love right now.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Senior Member Trinity33's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Thank you he was a good boy....wish I would have known he was sad

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    Senior Member Trinity33's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    I really appreciate the kindness on this thread today, this is a really nice forum. :-) my Tyler.....

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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by Trinity33 View Post
    I came in on this thread last night....wanted to tell my story but was a bit afraid to do so. But Blue Ladybug, u make it easy. In 2011 my 17 year old son Tyler took his life. I loved him so much but he had things he couldn't deal with..I guess. I was left with such a gapping hole in my heart that it changed me. My character was even different. I had changed enough to realize my current life was not acceptiable. I had been a christian for 2years by this time and boy i must say at first it tested my faith. Then, just when I thought all was lost, I felt Gods love for me in a moment I will never forget. It was as if he said...hey Pam no more feeling sad....I love you. I still feel sad and miss my son terribly but God gave me 2 beautiful daughters so I know he is always with me :-)
    I{m sorry to hear that Pam! I´m learning to be alone and to find contendment in everything I get each day. Lately I´m learning to be detached from my children (3) particularly because I don´t like they smoke and drink alcohol and the music they like is not the one I can bear and, these days, Joy (my daughter) showed me who she is, so I´m getting ready for futures days, yet I have to learn to pray for them, their well being, particularly in the spiritual area, because they chose to learn their things the hard way, no the way I planned I could help them.

    I´m happy I have lived enough.
    jkalyna and blue_ladybug like this.

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    Senior Member Tinkerbell725's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by secularhermit View Post
    I{m sorry to hear that Pam! I´m learning to be alone and to find contendment in everything I get each day. Lately I´m learning to be detached from my children (3) particularly because I don´t like they smoke and drink alcohol and the music they like is not the one I can bear and, these days, Joy (my daughter) showed me who she is, so I´m getting ready for futures days, yet I have to learn to pray for them, their well being, particularly in the spiritual area, because they chose to learn their things the hard way, no the way I planned I could help them.

    I´m happy I have lived enough.
    I'm praying for your children mr hermit. God's mercy is overflowing and the works of the Holy Spirit is powerful so, with God's loving hand, I know one day they will find their way back to the right path and mend their ways.
    "Only a person who risks is free"

    "Honor God, eat, play, laugh"

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    Default Re: Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts-- Loss of Loved Ones to Suicide

    Quote Originally Posted by Tinkerbell725 View Post
    I'm praying for your children mr hermit. God's mercy is overflowing and the works of the Holy Spirit is powerful so, with God's loving hand, I know one day they will find their way back to the right path and mend their ways.
    Thanks, Mss Thinker! Their lifes are in His hands.

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