DISCLAIMER: Long post alert, but please read it because this is an important issue that many people on here are dealing with right now!!
Since a very young age, I have struggled with major depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts. I am writing my story today in hopes that it will help those of you who are feeling this way to find inspiration and courage, and give you the strength to never give up. My very first attempt was around 11 or 12 years old, give or take a year or two either way, and my method of suicide was a pair of my mother's sewing scissors. It was the middle of the night, and I went to her sewing room and got the scissors. My intent was to stab myself in the stomach with them, and hopefully bleed to death. However, a few things deterred my attempt. I was a young child, and I've always been unable to tolerate pain of any kind. Needless to say, I chickened out and put my mother's scissors back in her sewing room.
Thus began a lifetime of suicidal thoughts, more than one tried (and failed) attempts. Many of you have read my 3 other threads detailing my battles with depression, cancer, and disabilities. For those who have'nt, they can all be found in the Miscellaneous forum, within the first few pages. Please read them and you will better understand why I have felt this way for most of my life.
The titles of the threads are: "Depression: A Ladybug's True Story of Dark vs. Light".."Disabilities: How do you cope with yours?"..and "blue_ladybug's uterine cancer battle." I hope my battles will strengthen those of you who read, and have read them.
I grew up having very few friends. I was a very anti-social child, meaning I much preferred to go off alone rather than spend time with other people. To this day, I still prefer my own company to that of others. At a very young age, I developed epilepsy. From then on it was a continuous cycle of multiple grand mal and petit mal seizures every single day, and a million switches from one med to another. Some made me gain weight, some made me sleepy. I went from being a happy 5-year old, then an unhappy kid, to a terribly depressed and anti-social teenager. A combination of life, epilepsy, being teased by friends for certain things, and mean and rude comments by my mother, fueled my suicidal mindset. I HATED high school with a passion. Other kids made fun of me. They thought I was strange because I would have grand mal seizures in front of them and they did'nt understand why. I've come to learn that people mock what they dont understand, and while none of them teased me about my seizures, they did tease me about other things. All my life my mom has called me weird, odd, and strange. She had an unhappy childhood of her own, and took it out on her own kids. My sisters and brother are all several years older than me, so I grew up without playmates, and pretty much as an only child. However, my mother was, and still is, both mentally and verbally abusive, and she never missed a chance to show me how disappointed she was in me, and what a failure she thought I was. She never actually called me a failure, but her attitude left no room for doubt.
Fast-forward a couple of years to age 21. I moved into my very first apartment. Though I had grown up quiet and shy, once I was on my own, I turned into a bit of a wild child, and started hanging out with all the wrong people. Druggies for the most part, though I have never done drugs in my entire lifetime. When I was 23, one of the guys I met came to my house one night. He grabbed me and tied me to the bed, gagged me and raped me. That event was the catalyst to the suicidal thoughts that I've had ever since 1993, when the rape occurred. Afterwards, I withdrew even more from society, like a turtle pulling its head into its shell to protect myself. I was sure if I went out in public, that somehow people would be able to tell that I'd been raped. I have tried several different ways of killing myself: pills, cutting, scissors and butcher knife. On my part, they were half-hearted attempts. One part of me wanted to die, the other part was scared to die. I have been a christian all my life, and I was raised to believe that if a person commits suicide, they go to hell. That fact is why I'm alive today. I dont want to go to hell!! To those of you suffering right now, I know how it feels. I have stood in that dark valley of despair. I have felt so low that no one could possibly help me. I know how it feels to think no one cares, I'd be better off dead, no one loves me and will help me.
I have been through hell in my lifetime, dealing with different things that have happened to me. Each time I tried to rely on God, even when it seemed like he had given up on me also. I prayed for relief from these feelings and thoughts, but they still constantly ran through my mind. A few years ago, everything collided at once. I was having problems with my mother and sister, I had a very bad flea infestation in my house that I could not get rid of, and just a variety of things hit me all at once. I almost had a mental breakdown and it was then that I realized I needed help. Not pills or counselors. The help I needed could only come from God. So I made a concious effort to do something to lift me out of the dark pit of hell that I was in. I prayed and begged for God's help. He lifted me up out of the darkness and into the light. He gave me suggestions on what I could do to help myself keep a more positive outlook on life. I'm happy to say that I made it through the darkness with God's help, and never once did he forsake me!!
For those of you who feel helpless right now, do what I did. Reach out to Jesus for help. He WILL carry you through the dark places in your life. Do things to give you a more positive outlook on life. Get a hobby, such as knitting or making jewelry. Make a faith book, like I did. Download bible verse wallpaper onto your computer, and use one everyday to lift your spirits. Read your bible and pray. Ask Jesus to help you.
Dont say that it's too late for you, or that Jesus doesnt hear you, and doesnt understand. YES HE DOES!!! Jesus understands pain and anguish better than anyone!! He weeps when he sees us in pain, just as we weep when we think of what he went through on the cross for us.
I made it through the darkness of my suicidal tendencies, into the light of Jesus. You can make it also, I know you can, because I am living proof of it!! No matter what, you cannot give up!! Dont give into the darkness satan has waiting for you. Stand up and fight and you WILL overcome this!! To those of you who have lost someone to suicide, my heart goes out to you, for I have felt that pain also, and lost many friends and family to it.
This is my story, and I'm glad to share it with all of you. I hope it blesses and encourages all who read it. My mail inbox is always open, so please pm me anytime if you feel suicidal and want to talk. God bless you all.