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got married to a friend of my cousins who i kind of knew a little, i didnt know he was marrying me cause my family had money. he fooled me, he had a family that didnt go to church but said they was Presbyterians. i was catholic at the time and 19 yrs old right out of school, innocent and stupid!!! my mom invited him over to visit me cause mom wanted me away from my 3 yr bf from school, who i was having sex with thinking if i didnt i would lose him he was the only one i had ever been with from 15 1/2 guys just never asked me out i was beautiful but very shy, so i had to hang on to him i thought, how stupid of me i had the world by the tail if i had only took it, i had no confidence in myself mother raised us alone left my dad who was had molested me at 3 yrs old, she never had the time to give us love and we was left alone some nites mom worked 3 jobs, to get by. then she married my adopted dad, i felt he was a good man to take me and my two bothers in and care for us and he did, i loved him and needed a dad but he didnt know how to be one, anyway mom decided they didnt want me to marry this guy and then the game was on. i did and he drove me to a nerious wreck and lost my first baby at 6 months pregnancy. I selfish person, jealous couldnt let me go to work to help out. takes me to a store and makes it so obvious he was hiding behind me and looking around the corner i said what are u doing!!! i was 3 months pregnant by then. he by the way was 2 yrs older then me. he then began to tell me he cheated on me with this women who was in the store and he points her out to me, while i was home, at my moms and he was in delware in the services. tells me will im a guy i had to have it. i should have left him after i lost that baby, but i didnt had two children by him the next baby was born with birth defects his anus was closed at birth, seeing a white coat scared him to death GOD only knows what they did to him while i was away from him after his second surgery back then u couldnt stay with your child. after 7 yrs of my husband i began to go in to a deep depression, so i was told by a psychologist. i got this divorce while i was in this state then depression set in from feeling guilty that i took my kids away from him. that lasted for 7 more yrs i never felt i would ever get over it. i did, but i began thinking i convinced my self with a little help form satan never wanted tp be a good girl again they get dumped on. so whats the use. from there i had a life of bad chooses my boys suffered from that. married again out of scared to death. he was very abusive did things i dont care to remember or talk about. then had a bf in other state i moved to my brothers and went to beauty school, left him went back to ex abusive husband only married him for 1 yr but stayed in that relationship for 7 yrs. finally released i was staying to prove i was worth something, he kept telling me i wasnt. to keep me while he was cheating on me when he was away, ironically he built churches, got away finally another looser found me was in jail for driving without his licenses, i was working at the jail so thats how he found me!!!!!! he got out and calls me, so this went on for 3 more yrs. we lived together , i had by this time two abortions, im ashamed to say. i didnt want any more children with losers. but look whos calling them loosers, so i had a small beauty shop hired one hair dresser she had me met this youger guy who wouldnt leave me alone!!! kept on and on, til i went to bed with him, then we got married for 1 yr. not one a christian by the way. got divorced from that one, i guess u could tell huh, then i got saved 1981 82 by then didnt want nothing to do with men the pastor tried to show me his penis,the elder came to me the next day i was so upset i didnt know what to say he asked me evelyn did anything happen after i left when u was alone with the pastor, i took a while then answered and said yes, he sad well there was several women who came forward and told the same as u did about the pastor now dont worry we will take care of it, that was the last i heard of it the bishop at catholic school i forgot to tell, told me the name i picked was the goddess of love, NOW WHAT IS A BISHOP TELLING A 15 YR OLD GIRL SOMETHING LIKE THAT ITS A PAGAN goddess!!!!!!!!!! well back my shameful life huh, by then i didnt want nothing to do with men i went 7 yrs just working my shop and caring for my sons and that was it, GOD helped me even threw all that, he still loved me why i dont know. i i promised myself i was never going to date someone i did his hair at my shop and i kept my word til, my husband of 31 yrs. i met he was not the kind that would be abusive and he never tried to put a hand on me and i told him if he had i would have slapped him. but it worked out , but he came from a bad marriage his ex that he got divorced from was committing adultery on him, spending his hard earned money on other man and drugs and staying gone in the bars and left his baby girl of 1 yrs old in the crib completely covered with feces she went off. he was totally broke and broken and poor he was having minin strokes we didnt know about from the time i dated him but it didnt show up badly enough til i took him to the doctor after we married a 1yr. after dating, doctor said he was fine no heart problems well it wasnt his heart!!!! that doctor wasnt a good doctor he misdiagnosed me and other family members, after we married GOD helped us so much, i got him a job at a big place not wanting to say where. but he has been there for 20 yrs now. we got to build a house and paid off, and bought some cars new and got by. the kids couldnt go to college we couldnt afford that. but anyway. GOD was good to us. i had problems with his family, because i wanted them to love me, with all his first wife did i thought they would be happy to see he was with a good women who wanted to learn to love him and them. but now they was cold not hugging or giving of themselfs. i gave husband hard time about it to. it made a wedge between us bad. i fought in court to get his daughter at 3 yrs old from that bad mother, i was 3 yrs old when my dad molested me i went after that mother like a bulldog and a bone i was going to win no matter what, she caused my husband to be sick and his daughter problems with a crazy mother. she was a liar to that didnt help. with his family. but after the stroke, i took care of him he couldnt walk or feed himself, he told me if i wanted a divorce he would give me one cause he wasnt the man he was. i told him what kind of a women would i be to leave him in that kind of condition? i was normal and had still a sex drive, i didnt notice anything til this younger man who came to putin our water filtering system he began giving me attention i still didnt pick up on it. til he wanted to find excuse to come over and check or i had to call him back for something, didnt pay attention really!!!! i began noticing i enjoyed him and the attention and found myself around him before i knew it it happened that one nite stand. i left and felt cheap. i told him he taught me something, that what i had at home was better. even if i didnt get sex. i was hurt i felt i was used and i was, he was a Pentecostal he seemed to be doing this with other women to i found out later. i came home and told my husband what i did i was so ashamed and cried over and over. i told him if he wanted a divorce i would understand. it was very hard for him to forgive me, but he came from a cold family not much hugging and holding and telling me how much he loved me and what a good wife i was, i need that so bad. i tryed telling him but when i seen it didnt do any good he was who he was and i refused to except that i wanted more an di need more attention badly. thats how i felt. i hired a muslim young man about 28 and we got close from work. we went shopping and things, and i was attractive to him, one day we was at my house, he was setting on the couch, before i knew it i was doing oral sex on him, nothing else happened. he asked me to marry him, i told him no, and i told my husband he asked me to marry him i didnt tell my husband what i had did, i just said very little from knowing how he acted the first time, and our love life was never the same after the stroke, he got everything back ok but he didnt want to do the same things i liked and that hurt me i felt if he loved me he would want to please me. NOPE, so that was in 2000. its been on my heart ever since. i know i need to tell him but i just cant, i asked GOD to forgive me, and ive been a good wife with no sex life for over 25 yrs now. he doesnt kiss me just a peck on the cheek, no sex desire out of me anymore, i have given up i have no hope left, just getting older and hoping GOD would forgive me and i could make it to heaven i have been i feel a very over sexed and i know from what happened to me as a child does have something to do with and my self esteem, growing up without my real dad but who would want him after what he did to us all. my brother committed suicide at 17 yrs old. i just lost a nephew at 14 yrs old to suicide, the pain in my life has been overwhelming but i still hang on in hopes GOD will forgive me, i did tell GOD i would stay with my husband until he shows me different, im still here and with the rapture around the corner my shame tells me its best to tell this to my husband then to go to hell, my relationships with family are bad, my anger has caused me to steak the truth and to be blunt. husband must love me in his own way. but i cant and have never been able to make him understand my womanly needs from him, so i gave up and became hopeless, just surviving day to day. dont get me wrong i treat my husband and care for his needs but now its come to i will never give him sex because he hurt me for not listening to my needs or seemly caring to want to know. there is no out here. but that i have to confuse right? i need to know what is the truth and what i need to do here..................... i dont want to hurt him again.
