I think I am under judgment

My name is how I feel. I don't mean it in the antichrist way, but I feel as if I have been appointed to destruction. A little backstory:

I was always a destructive and rebellious child. At the age of eight I became intensely interested in Jesus and became a Christian. The next few years I became a lot more docile and instead of being a terror I was a delight. By my teenage years I became excessively vain and jealous. I was unappy with everything about myself and took out my frustration on God.

I eventually became a devil worshipper. I did things and thought things that I won't repeat here even under anonymity. (Nothing illegal, but it's not very appropriate and I am ashamed. Deeply, deeply ashamed.) Things started to improve. I was getting girlfriends, I started to look better, I was a lot more popular, and on and on. I ended up dating a girl I never thought I would even be able to talk to.

This is where things went sour. My personality became devilish. I was obsessed with limits. I pushed my girlfriend, family and friends to their limits just to see how much before they would snap. I thought it was fun to corrupt and manipulate others just to see if I could. I would entrap them just so I could tear them down.

Eventually my girlfriend left me and I started having terrible nightmares. They were vivid and always about me not escaping Satan and being condemned to hell. My failing relationships and dreams and being scared of my own self drove me back to Christianity. For the next few years it was a struggle. I kept bouncing between atheism, Christianity, and dabbling in the occult again. I eventually saw that my personal life was a mess and realized that I was a failure as a god and went crawling back to God for the final time.

Since then my life has been a disaster. It's been nearly a decade of uncanny misfortune, bad decisions, wrong turns, health and financial problems. It's quite amazing at how no matter what decision I make, no matter how well thought out and prayed over, comes back to bite me in some way.

My health is failing horribly and I find myself at a crossroads in life. My wife and son is one reason I am fighting, but the bad decisions, money problems, and past regrets keep me up all night. The stress has built up to a point that it physically hurts. I keep praying and begging God for mercy and the problems keep piling on.
I don't know if I want to fight anymore. All I have to do is refuse treatment and I will be terminal eventually.

This gets me to the point of being under judgement. I think God is putting me through some harsh penalty for the things I did. I attempted to mock Him. I threatened, scoffed, cursed and hated Him. I believe that I am forgiven. I believe it has all been swept away, but I get this incessant nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this is my repayment for everything that I did. I deserve it for sure. Some of the side effects mirror almost exactly some of the judgements mentioned in the bible.

I need advice. I need prayer. I need an answer from God that He's listening. My faith is being battered and I feel completely panicked. So, if anyone has any advice or insight I am dying to hear it. I already get the usual talking points from family along with guilt tripped, so I am looking for something fresh I guess. I am placing my faith in the Lord, but it's growing dim. I have become terrified of the Will of God. I am shaken to my core and other than punishment I don't know why these things keep happening. (I didn't list everything. I also know why some things are happening. I have made poor decisions on impulse and accept full responsibility for those. I just don't know why the things that are completely out of my influence are happening.)

Sorry for the lengthy post. This has been building for a long time and I don't want to talk to anyone face to face. I want complete and total anonymity. Any errors that look weird I apologize for. I am on my tablet and the autocorrect has a mind of its own sometimes and I don't always catch it. Thanks for reading.

bc you are ashamed you want to remain hidden?

God loves you. You aren't under judgement, you are under attack.

Didn't anyone disciple you when you were 8? Have you read your Bible?

When I am under attack I spend hours praying and reading the Bible.

Your words that pop out move me to,ask.....

Are you ready to give up your way and do it God's way?

God loves you.

Don't ever forget or allow doubt to steal that truth from you.

God says He loves you so much he died on the cross for you, do you believe Him?

If you believe, take His hand and rise out of the pit of despair by focusing on Him.

His love his healing his way.

You don't need a self esteem boost for self can never save you.

You need to learn how to pray, how to listen to the Holy Spirit. God will teach you, through scripture, your life and many other ways,

Dear God we need you. Amen.

Dear God we pray your healing touch be upon his life. Help him to feel your love and your light. Grant him wisdom from above. Call him from the shadows to,the light. Dear God chase all darkness from him. Silence the lying whispers that condemn him, convict the people who speak lies and doubt of Your love into his life and mind. God heal his heart, heal his soul and give him living water to heal his mind and body. Jesus we pray for your intercession for you know the situation, you know our needs. God hear us, we lift up our brother and his family God. God we wait upon You. Help us be still and know You are with us.In Jesus holy name we pray, amen.

I agree with Ariel, i think some of it could be attack. You were into some heavy spiritual stuff and tried to walk away from it and go over to the 'enemy' (God). So you should expect some resistance and attack.

And some of it may just be natural consequence. God doesn't promise to remove the physical consequences of our actions. If you kill someone, then later get saved, God doesn't keep you from prison. He forgives your sin, but the world we live in still has consequences, so some of what you're experiencing may be just that.

And peoples health fails. The bible says "In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike." Matt 5:45
Notice it doesn't indicate punishment or judgment. That good and bad, both, happens to everyone. Everyone.

I thank you all for the prayers and encouragement.

To answer some of the questions asked by Ariel:
I was discipled briefly before my satanic conversion. I didn't really talk to the guy about certain issues. I was a teenager and so he mainly focused on abstinence.

I struggle immensely with surrendering my will. I pray over it daily. In some areas I succeed much easier than others. I have areas where I struggle, but give up my own will forcefully. I despair over giving up certain things such as: dreams and ambitions. I fear His plan for my life, so I find myself in a "scared to get I the pool, so I dip my toes in" pose spiritually.

I read the Bible daily and read as much as I can on it. I find myself insatiable when it comes to Bible study. This is what makes me think I am not under judgment, but I also believe God's ways are His own and we are to be fearful of Him.

Ugly, I agree some of the negative in my life is merely natural consequence. It's certain elements that smack of interference. Obstacles are popping up out of no where. My family believes that I am under attack and think I need to go see a pastor, but I fear what he will say if I go into detail about what I have done.

HisHolly: yes.

Thanks for the prayers and responses once more. I appreciate and encouraged by them.

Maybe your head has accepted the Gospel but your heart still doubts it's truth.

The main Gospel message is GOD LOVES YOU!

Do you believe it?

He loves you so much he died for YOUR sins.
You are special. He created you for a reason.there is no one like you.

Let the doubt and fear and condemnation be nailed to the cross.

Let your past die...let got and trust God.

People might judge. They might condemn you.they might point out the filthy rags of your life, but God clothes you in Christ's righteousness.

He washed you clean and claims you as His child.

When doubts and fears try and whisper lies into my heart, I look them in the eye and say..,"I am a beloved Child of God and you better leave me alone or my Father will deal with you."

Then the voices stop and peace fills my heart and mind.

Trust in God and on His love for you.

Let the old things die and rise as a beloved child of God.

Welcome to the family. Yes God adopted You, don't let anyone lie and say otherwise.

You are not under judgement, you are under the blood of the Lamb and the wings of the Lord.

Drink of His life giving water and abide in Him.

Be still and know He is Lord.

Your calling in life would probably be helping those who have been through the same as you. Someone needs to minister to them and who better than yourself.. A pastor friend was in the occult when he was young. He said he ran from his calling that he was
supposed to be a preacher. He ended up with cancer on his death bed. He told God i will choose the pulpit any day over the grave. Before he was scared to preach, after he was glad to.

You made some mistakes, forget it and move forward in Jesus. He forgives and remembers no more.
Put on the mind of Christ. I have heard the stronger the calling the harder the battles.
Let the past go/ Give your cares to the Lord, he cares about you.

I dont think it is judgement, but could be running from your calling. JMO

There are a couple of books you may find helpful.

Victory over the darkness
Bondage breaker

both by Neil T Anderson

The first is about Gods love for you and understanding who you are
in Christ.

The second is about breaking free from the past and the present including
the occult etc.

Sometimes God does allow things to happen to us, but the intention
is to bring us back to Himself. It sounds like you are listening to God

Once again thanks for the encouragement.

My calling was some where in the vicinity of the pulpit, but I squandered it. Part of my bad decisions was wasting time in college. I graduated with a degree I can never use now. My loans and grants are maxed out, so I can't go back. I know this isn't God. This one is ALL me and I accept that.

I think my calling is just to be a reminder to my son what not to do. Talk about depressing lol.
Thanks again one last time.

P.S. I do believe the Gospel. Heart, mind, and soul. I don't deserve it, but I latch on desperately to His mercy and forgiveness.