Hi,

I am hoping to find some fellowship. I am feeling fairly alone and wounded. I have been married for 18 years, separated since February 7th, 2017. My husband has had 5 affairs that I know about over the years, the last one nearly killed me- October of 2009. This one he slept with and worked with. Two years before that, he left me and our kids and drove to Virginia, wouldn't take my calls- he was playing this stupid final fantasy game online for 8-12 hours a day. ( I kid you not). Well, supposedly- he had an online wife and drove up there to meet with her in person. It was absolutely crazy. I thought it was me. I lost weight- wasn't big to begin with, worked out all the time, bought his favorite foods, pretty much gave him 110% of my attention for two years to be slapped in the face with another affair. I forgave all of that but in April of 2016, the FBI raided our home and charged him with 5 felony counts of 2nd and 3rd degree exploitation of a minor. Our kids were not hurt (thank God!). AND NO- I had NO IDEA he was watching child porn. I trusted him again. I had no clue. It NEVER even crossed my mind.

I have a Master's degree in Special Education, I achieved National Board standards on my first attempt. I come from a Christian home with parents that have been married for 52 years. I had a good childhood. I thought I did everything right- college, then marriage, then children. I married a Christian (I thought). I am just trying to explain that none of this was done on a whim. We had infertility issues and adopted our first child Hanna. I had one good egg- our son Hayden is now 10 years old.

As I write this, I am just so angry at myself. I wish I left him in 2009. I was still young and pretty, my kids were little, they wouldn't have even remembered him. But no- I stayed thinking God hates divorce and we would pull through this and he would have a tremendous testimony.

The kicker for me. After his affair in 2009, I put God first in my life. Or I tried. I don't get out of bed w/o reading a bible verse and praying. I was EXTREMELY involved with our church, working in the nursery- his crime- shamed me, broke my heart, sickened me. I spent hours holding infants and toddlers, sometimes I would just rock them and pray for them and their parents, their future- everything. Both our children are saved, if they were to die right now- they would go straight to the arms of Jesus. That sort of sustained me. I thought to myself, if all my heartache is what it took to get my butt back into church and start to put God first- it was worth it. My children's souls of course are worth it.

However, after his arrest, I was a little angry with God. I was like, really Lord? really? - I mean it is getting hard to consider my trials pure joy. My husband went from making $82,000 a year to $3,500 last year and ZERO this year. He may never work again. And, you did read that I am a teacher, right? I am not hung up on money but I do want to help my kids with college and be able to provide for them.

If I had left him in 2009, my 10 year old son wouldn't even remember him. Now, I have to deal with his heart break. Him and his dad were best friends. I have never seen a son/father closer. My 10 year old cannot possibly understand all of this AND- he blames me. I can take it, I am tough, but sometimes- it does overwhelm me with sadness.

Did I mention that after we separated on 2/7- my husband overdosed on sleeping pills and nearly died- ON MY BIRTHDAY? If I had not have found him, he would have died. His blood pressure was 35/50- he spent the night in ICU. His mental health has deteriorated since his arrest. I was trying to carry all this pressure, still work, care for kids and actually living with a crazy person. He went coo coo. The Dr. doubled his prozac and it sent him into a medicated manic state. He was driving me crazy. He never was easy to live with to begin with, but wow- it went downhill.

Well, that is my story in a nutshell. Go ahead and put me at the head of the class as the dumbest person on these boards. I cannot believe this is my life and/or my story. Just write STUPID on my forehead and call it a day. In the meantime, I am still in church- still putting God first. I do believe God is good and all of our needs are being met. My kids are happy and healthy. I have had them to a Christian counselor. I have a good family, parents live 2 miles away and step up to help, no matter what I need. I feel bad that I take advantage of them so much. Our home was nearly paid off so I refinanced and my house payment is around $400 now- so, we can make it on my salary.

Anyway- I look forward to maybe helping others here and helping myself too.

Thanks for reading.

You have told a very sad story. Your husband is a total leech. It sounds that you're at least separated from this sick excuse of a husband. My counsel is to consult with a divorce attorney and keep as much distance as you can from him. A man that loves his wife does not cheat on her let alone even contemplate doing such a thing.

It's a shame that this is affecting the kids but this is not your fault and you can only do the best that you can. You are not stupid but perhaps are just now realizing that all this guy has done is dragging you down in the muck and mire with him. His overdose on sleeping pills is irrelevant to his cheating on you and breaking your heart. The deterioration of his mental state was self-inflicted.

It appears that you have made great strides in getting your finances in order and can make it without this creep. Under no circumstances should you consider taking him back. If you do his actions will utterly destroy you.

God does hate divorce but he was the one who destroyed the marriage. The first time he cheated on you he irrevocably broke the trust that must exist between a husband and a wife.

Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. There are a lot of empathic Christian members here who may be able to offer wise counsel and pray for you and your kids, even your husband. Your situation is not unique here so please know that you are not alone in the suffering.

Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.

No one here is going to label you stupid. Simply because, you're not. Sometimes life takes a path we can't control, and sometimes that path isn't what we imagined it would be and that isn't our fault. Now, what is our fault is of course how we handle it, and you Ma'am are handling it amazing. It's expected to leave some sadness and heartbreak on all family members as what y'all went through wasn't at all easy, but each of you still have each other. Times helps to heal broken hearts. Your children are sooo lucky to have a parent that cares so much; I haven't been as lucky in that field and I can see when a parent truly loves and cares about their children. That's all your kids can ask from you. To provide for them and love them.

You're doing awesome. Good job.

Welcome to CC!

Welcome Wounded1, sorry to hear about the issues during your marriage. Try not to blame God for the problems you faced in your lire. God is righteous and holy, he would never do anything unjust or evil to bring you pain and misery. Yes God does test us at times but it's to strengthen us not bring us down. If you continue to trust in him he will give you an abundance of strength to endure the trials of life.

Loving with your whole heart and trying to do what is best for your family never makes you stupid, sweet friend, it makes you human and loving. I'm so sorry for all the devastation y'all are going through due to Satan's lies and deceptions. What a hard season. You did mention a faith, so I pray they are a source of comfort and support for you and the children. It sounds like you are trying to make some positive changes in your life and a closer walk with the Lord is always a good thing. While we may never know what is to of come from this hard situation, we do know that the Lord loves us and will never leave us or forsake us. Many times the things that are the hardest move us closer to the Lord. My prayer is for you and your children to be safe and heal from this. Hugs and prayers from Texas ; )