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Hey everyone. I guess I was led here by God. I've been struggling spiritually for well over a decade. I became a Christian when I was 14. A high school friend who I lost touch with over time brought me to faith. I do no come from a religious family. My mom is an atheist as well as both of my brother's. My dad grew up going to church but I think it was more cause everybody did in his community growing up. I've always believed that there has to be a God and that the universe is just too perfect. Over the last decade I've feel I've been called several times by the Lord and I get close to a relationship and am committed for a short time and then get defeated by doubt and temptation.
Another issue that I struggle with is that I have a particularly bad form of OCD which focuses on obsessions and bad thoughts that pop up randomly into my head. I spend hours a day doing rituals such as checking or replaying events to disprove that they are real. For example I always worry that when I'm driving every bump I hit is a person. I think about it and DOUBT myself and then go back and check. Of course I have never ever hit anybody. I always tell.myself what if .... And being the moral person I believe myself to be I can not not check..... This is one barrier that has led me to doubt Faith... I guess I have a huge problem distinguishing what is my OCD and what is the holy spirit.
After I excepted Jesus I began to ask myself what if I didn't mean it... I would keep praying a prayer asking for forgiveness and excepting Jesus because I believe that what if i truely did not believe it when I said it...
This has been an ongoing battle for years..... Everytime I think I'm close to developing in relationship with God I convince myself that what if I never believe and use this as an excuse to sin. I know I am a sinner and am ashamed of it. I believe Jesus died for me but it's like I can't beat these temptations. I'll end up praying and reading the Bible but it's been feeling like I'm doing it because I have to not because I want to. I want to get to a place where I wake up and the first thing I do is talk to God.
I really need some help. I just moved back home.from Banff a year ago. I would really like to start going to church.. but am.afraid. I'm afraid that my friends and family will look down on me and treat me different... I know this is so wrong I need to only.desire to grow closer to God..
Also how do I go about picking a church or a certain branch... There's so many! How can I tell which one is right?!. And I am afraid because I won't know anyone. I would love to have someone to talk to about Jesus. I feel like God is saying Derrick you need to trust me and follow me. If anyone is willing I ask that they pray for me to have direction and they pray to help me overcome.my doubts and sinful nature. I always feel horrible after sinning and I know I've sinned right away. I am convinced this is the holy spirit. It's hard to explain but I get a weird feeling when I sin and it's like I know God's watching and disappointed but in that moment I convince myself it's not a big deal but it is.
I am sorry for the long post. Please pray for me to have the strength and will to beat these temptations and to grow closer to God. I can hear God saying take a leap of faith and I will change your a life ...but i never follow through. I'm ashamed of myself and lack of will power. But I still feel God reaching out. Any advice or help would be most appreciated.
Derrick- male.30 Stoney Creek Canada
Another issue that I struggle with is that I have a particularly bad form of OCD which focuses on obsessions and bad thoughts that pop up randomly into my head. I spend hours a day doing rituals such as checking or replaying events to disprove that they are real. For example I always worry that when I'm driving every bump I hit is a person. I think about it and DOUBT myself and then go back and check. Of course I have never ever hit anybody. I always tell.myself what if .... And being the moral person I believe myself to be I can not not check..... This is one barrier that has led me to doubt Faith... I guess I have a huge problem distinguishing what is my OCD and what is the holy spirit.
After I excepted Jesus I began to ask myself what if I didn't mean it... I would keep praying a prayer asking for forgiveness and excepting Jesus because I believe that what if i truely did not believe it when I said it...
This has been an ongoing battle for years..... Everytime I think I'm close to developing in relationship with God I convince myself that what if I never believe and use this as an excuse to sin. I know I am a sinner and am ashamed of it. I believe Jesus died for me but it's like I can't beat these temptations. I'll end up praying and reading the Bible but it's been feeling like I'm doing it because I have to not because I want to. I want to get to a place where I wake up and the first thing I do is talk to God.
I really need some help. I just moved back home.from Banff a year ago. I would really like to start going to church.. but am.afraid. I'm afraid that my friends and family will look down on me and treat me different... I know this is so wrong I need to only.desire to grow closer to God..
Also how do I go about picking a church or a certain branch... There's so many! How can I tell which one is right?!. And I am afraid because I won't know anyone. I would love to have someone to talk to about Jesus. I feel like God is saying Derrick you need to trust me and follow me. If anyone is willing I ask that they pray for me to have direction and they pray to help me overcome.my doubts and sinful nature. I always feel horrible after sinning and I know I've sinned right away. I am convinced this is the holy spirit. It's hard to explain but I get a weird feeling when I sin and it's like I know God's watching and disappointed but in that moment I convince myself it's not a big deal but it is.
I am sorry for the long post. Please pray for me to have the strength and will to beat these temptations and to grow closer to God. I can hear God saying take a leap of faith and I will change your a life ...but i never follow through. I'm ashamed of myself and lack of will power. But I still feel God reaching out. Any advice or help would be most appreciated.
Derrick- male.30 Stoney Creek Canada
