Advice

I'm 28 and have been married to my Christian wife for 8 years. Since we wed she has been showing me less attention, its now got to the stage where she won't let me give her a hug, I have tried to talk to her about it and it's a different excuse every time.: "I'm too tired to cuddle, don't kiss me i'm ill, It's too late in the evening, I'm just not in the mood to chat or cuddle" etc etc. We are both close to God and read the bible every day but don't read it together because shes always "busy" but reads it alone. It's making me feel like i'm in an affection desert, getting thirsty. I love her and I think she does love me, just has had a rough upbringing. I look forward to the barbers just to have a chat to the girl cutting my hair. How sad is that. I also work 60hrs a week and others have noticed and asked why shes not affectionate. Sorry if this sounds miserable. Just want some advice. I'm not a bad looking man and quite frequently get looks by my female customers (I own a waste business) and it's driving me into temptation and away from the Lord.

I say you both need counseling to work past this and she needs to be there for you and show you affection cause it's not just her needs that need to be met but yours too

have you spoken to her about this?

and how her lack of compassion is effecting you?


i dont know if i have much advice aside from being completely open and honest with her....

it sounds like an awful situation to be in.... and ill pray for you


also
id desperately refrain from treating any of those female customers different than any male customers in regards to affection....

that sounds like trouble waiting to happen

Yes I'm constantly on my guard against temptation but its getting harder every day. Many men use it as an excuse but I love my wife and don't want anyone else, but this going on a good few years now. I used to drink a lot during our first 2 years of marriage and she hated it. I have been sober for a good 4 years now so maybe its an unforgiveness issue? I buy her flowers, ask her how her day was, etc etc and I'm respectable, strong spiritually and physically, I don't know what else to do. I will suggest marriage counselling to her but she will probably say "Why?, our marriage is great" then walk out of the room. She's in denial and claims i'm over affectionate and shes at the normal level, but everyone that knows us personally says shes very cold to me and no one knows why. Not sure if she's depressed or even slightly mentally ill but what I do know is my life is very dark we have separate rooms (we sleep better apparently if were in separate rooms according to her) and I am needing a woman's touch, and someone to talk to in the evenings. God and Adam walked perfectly in the garden, but God saw Adam needed a mate, so it's not wrong for me to want a woman desperately, I still love God just need the physical / emotional bit.

do you two have any children?

I will be praying for you both brother. You are not being selfish in your desires for your wife. But it sounds like there is healing needed in her, and she's not being open on what's really wrong. Some women like men to pick up cues and guess how to help them from the cues (the you should know me by now perspective). Tell her you need her to be open and honest with you about how she feels and what she needs, because you can't figure it out on your own. And if when she does share, own it, don't justify any wrongs, just own and fix it. It can build up walls when a person has opened up and no progress was made. It may take time for those walls to come down, but they can if change is visibly being made. And remember, the amount of time it took to build those walls, could be just as long to tear them down, but as that person had to be patient through the process, the love and patience has to be returned.

I agree about seeking counseling, immediately! And if she declines to go, I would be open and honest with her about what you are saying to us, in all the detail. Don't feel like you are protecting her by not being completely honest and open. That actually brings greater intimacy with some women. Not opening up can do more harm than good. And if she still declines, I would suggest letting her know you're going to talk to someone anyway for godly counsel and support through this because its opening a foot hole for the enemy ( suggest a Christian leader/Pastor, minister, etc that you can trust...someone mature in the faith).

I commend you for seeking accountability and support on something so personal. Satan loses a point there, he definitely didn't want you to do that. He's going to send as many temptations in your path as possible, so think it not strange when these fiery trials increase. Stand your ground in the Lord! He will have your back. And great will be your reward.

Also, be sure when you do talk to your wife, that you listen to how she wants to be loved. People have different love languages (highly recommend looking it up, seeing if she'll read the book with you)...meaning you may need affection (Physical touch) from your relationship and think that will bring her happiness too. But she may like Acts of service where you help clean the house without being asked, or you take care of a responsibility she normally does without prompting. etc. Once both parties understand how their partners need to be loved, both have to commit to do them consistently, and without constant reminder for it to have its greatest impact. Trouble happens when one doesn't, and the other does. Or when one tries to use their love language to please the other and neglect their partners need. But, that's where a mediator can hopefully help you if it comes to that.

Again, blessings to you for seeking guidance. Don't forget to be just as open and honest with her as you were here. If you're too uncomfortable verbally, than write it. Its important she knows these details. I will be praying you both have an ear to hear one another, and God will grant you both understanding of the other and help you be on one accord.

As far as her not wanting to read and pray with you. I would gently remind her of the scripture that shows the power of going before God together Matthew 18:19-20. Hang in there, you have back up prayers!

Sorry this is so long. And, I didn't proof read, so hopefully it made sense.

Welcome here you can discuss with bible smart people and possibly make new friends,hope you like it here!

Thank you so much. This is such great advice. It's amazing how much brotherly/sisterly love can be felt for people you have never met as we are all one in Christ. I will look into these love languages, try and help around the house more, its hard as I work 7am-6pm 6 days a week in a physical job and I'm so exhausted when I get home but I will try! Thank you for your advice! x

i know how you feel my marriage isnt doing good. Just give your marriage to Jesus He will heal it. Watch war room. Reject the lustful thoughts job said job 31:1 King James Bible
I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid? say this when lust comes. You will be okay. I barely get any affection from my husband. I am praying God helps us get back together. Father God please heal their marriage make them love eachother again in YOUR HOLY NAME AMEN

You're welcome! God's blessing with you two!

And the Acts of service love language is just one of the examples I used. Its best to look them up and discuss which one applies to the other. Because what happens when the spouse tries to guess, they might guess wrong and work hard at the wrong one, then they feel like nothing they do is worth it or working. But that's not the truth, they are just doing the wrong thing. If that makes sense. So yeah! Hopefully, it opens doors of communication and helps!