I have never been one to give a lot of attention to depression. I have always felt like it's the absence of a relationship with God that leads to this. And so, imagine my bewilderment when I, a Christian, am labeling myself as depressed. But that's the only way I can describe how I feel rn. I don't want to be married anymore. I have fought for this marriage for 17 years. And I didn't even realize what I was fighting against. I have dealt with emotional abuse, physical violence,(not harming me, but destroying my home and my personal belongings) and narcissism. He always "fixes" things when I'm at my wit's end. He starts paying attention to our kids and my needs. But it never lasts long, and he never includes God in it. Only when I threaten to leave and he says we just need to be close to Him. Recently I was closer than ever to leaving. And yet, here I am. Because I don't think I have biblical grounds to leave him. He has NO relationship with our oldest daughter. She literally hates him, and it breaks my heart. She will be moving out in a year. She says he doesn't care about anyone but himself and me. And as horrible as it makes me sound, I wish he didn't love me. I wish he would cheat on me. He has in his heart. He admitted to having a problem with pornography. But now, he says it's no longer an issue and I have to forgive him. But I can't. He spent the last 15 years verbally destroying me because he thought I was looking at other men. And the whole time, he was, and I quote, "Lusting after every female he saw." He said when he's close to God he isn't that way. But he won't do anything to be close to Him. I have no respect left for him. I want to be alone. But I can't, because my son would be devastated. I know God can help me work on myself. But I always wind up being a doormat. I work on me, and he benefits. I just want out of my marriage. He also threatens suicide. But as of now, he's "proving himself." Something he does when I am at my wit's end. I know it isn't real, because he I'd leaving God out of it, like always. I am miserable