Forgiveness and Forgetting - let the past be in the past

My name is Lakashia (la*key*sha),
I am trying to learn how to forgive and forget. I have some deep rooted childhood issues. I need to forgive my mother first and forgive myself. I need to forgive my husband and learn how to move forward. I have serious trust issues. I need to learn to forgive my past so I can have a future. I do not know how to do this. I know that forgiveness and grace ultimately comes from God and Jesus Christ. I need to do this and I need help. Can someone help me please. I need to grow with my relationship with God and I need help!

Hi, Lakesha! Is there a church that you go to? Can you get a ladies' group there to pray for you? Or talk to a pastor? There is so much you're going through, I'm not sure how to help you. The only thing I can advise for sure, is that you pour your heart out to God...He knows your heart, your mind, and everything you are going through. <3

No, I do not go to church. I have been looking for one to go through in the area. However, I am seeking out therapy. But this is what I need to do is forgive and I just don't know how to do this.

I once heard a preacher say, "Forgiving someone is saying that they no longer owe you anything." Does that make sense? That helped me... forgiving someone doesn't mean the bad feelings automatically go away.

Forgiveness is to set the prisoner free only to realise the prisoner was you

It’s a long read but hopefully it will help. The following is my thoughts

Tonight's command is about forgiveness.


Matthew 18:21-22
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
21 Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.


The Bible has plenty to say about forgiveness. Where the Old Testament focuses mainly on God's forgiveness of individuals or groups, the teachings of Jesus in the Gospels also address how human beings can and should forgive each other.


The word forgive in the bible can be translated as follows.


To send away
to send forth, yield up, to expire, to let go, let alone, let be, to disregard, give up a debt,
forgive, to remit to give up, keep no longer.


In certain contexts, forgiveness is a legal term for absolving or giving up all claims on account of debt, loan, obligation or other claims.


Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.


What is forgiveness?


It is a conscious choice that we make. Whether the person who hurt us apologises or not.
It is a shift in thinking towards someone who has hurt you.
It is letting go of the need for revenge and ill will.
It is choosing to remember no more what has been done to you.
It is acknowledging the pain and hurt you feel and walk in.
It is giving it up to God allowing him the right to take care of justice, his perfect justice.


What forgiveness is not.


It is not reconciliation.
It does not mean you have to restore a relationship.
It is not waiting for an apology before forgiving.
It is not always having to tell someone that we have forgiven them.
It is not just merely forgetting.
Is is not condoning or excusing what has been done.
It's not allowing the offence to recur again and again.
It does not replace justice. If an act against you is criminal you are free to instigate legal justice.


Consequences of unforgiveness.


Unforgiveness is a chain that will wrap itself around you. It will pull tighter and tighter. It will sap the very life out of you. It will make you miserable, angry, resentful. It will affect you health, cause anxiety, which leads to high blood pressure, release chemicals in your body that further increases anxiety, depression along with with physical symptoms of heart palpitations, breathing problems, tingling in your fingers and feet, not being able to sleep, not being able to function. These physical symptoms bring fear that further compound the physical and emotional symptoms.


MORE IMPORTANTLY IT AFFECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, with other people that we have no need to forgive. We can withdraw or guard against friendships, be grumpy, irritable, mistrust and so on.


If it affects our relationships with other people you can guarantee it will affect our relationship with God.


The fact is, in the eyes of God unforgiveness is a sin. It can hinder our prayers, it will hinder our spiritual growth and it will hinder our witness.


Consequences of forgiveness.


First of all it helps with all the health issues mentioned above.
We see relationships with those around us in a different light.
We may see relationships restored.


The above are tangible benefits.


When we repent (make a conscious decision to forgive) of unforgiveness then we feel better about our relationship with God, we feel closer to God, we find it easier to come before him, speak to him, spend time him.




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Forgiveness is a one time event (what I mean is that at some point you choose to give it up) yet dealing with the consequences can be a process.


When we acknowledge the hurt and pain and any other negative emotion, the act of merely forgiving does not necessarily heal the negative aspects that we suffer.


This is where we are to bring it before God and ask him to heal us. These chains God wants to break, to heal, restore to you an inner peace, replace anger with love.


If we have allowed chains to wrap themselves around us they start to loosen when we allow God to work. When our chains are gone then we have FREEDOM.




This is the ultimate consequence and priceless benefit of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just about better health and life satisfaction. It’s not just an aid for reducing stress and fighting depression. It is about becoming by grace what God is by nature: a person who loves, a person who forgives, a person who cares for the salvation of the entire world, one soul at a time.




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Theologian Lewis Smedes writes, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.


Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. (Martin Luther King, Jr)


Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you: love, prayer, and forgiveness. (H. Jackson Brown, Jr.)


When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future. (Bernard Meltzer)


To err is human; to forgive, divine. (Alexander Pope)


Footnote:


Secular psychology in the 1980's started to incorporate the principle of forgiveness into counselling. Even in the secular world there is a realisation that forgiveness plays a major part in the lives of those they counsel. So a biblical principle is slowly working its way into the non religious world around us.


They do however focus on the aspect of letting go, it's health benefits and coping mechanisms for anger etc. There are even documented steps to forgiveness programs that they follow.


Where they stop though is the fact then we have a Father who wants to heal pain an hurt. Our Father does not want to give us coping mechanisms he wants to dig it right out of us and replace it pure unadulterated love.


When I have talked to non Christians who struggle with hurt and pain I talk about forgiveness in the secular sense but then say, "Why cope with it when God wants to heal it?


The majority accept the concept of forgiveness but not God healing it (that comes down to faith)
Nevertheless revealing the need to forgive in the first place is the right thing to do.

First of all, thank you!

So, I can forgive and still feel bad about what happened? Or does it mean when I forgive, I automatically feel better and trust that person? I understand that I wont just forget what happened, but I am asking will I still have the hurt feelings about the situation?

Welcome here you can discuss with bible smart people and possibly make new friends,hope you like it here!
Also forgiveness makes a person feel better because whether the person in question wants forgiveness or not at the least if you feel you forgive them then you can feel a peace knowing that you did what God would want,it's difficult and it doesn't make you forget immediately but it helps because it leads you to feel peace with yourself and them.

Hello! Sis Welcome


When my brother was 8 years old our neighbor beaten my brother using a broomstick in front of me...way back then I was around 19 years old... It was like a shocked to me imagine someone hurting your brother in front of your eyes...I was very angry and rushed to this lady that I wanted her to die that day in anyway I can...good thing my mother hold me very tight and didn't let me go...standing full of tears...


I turned around back to our house without saying a word...that very day I learned to hate someone...it consumed me for many many years...until I became a Christian... It is still there but I decided to forgive her...I prayed and ask God to forgive me for holding this hatred in my heart and asked Him to let me learn to forgive our neighbor...

I started talking again to this lady...But I know in my heart the pain she caused in my heart was still there...years passed and although I smiled and talked to her already know deep down in my heart I still can't forgive her..I continue asking and praying to God to help me...now I don't know what happened, that hatred I felt to this lady just gone...I can say and feel in my heart that I have forgiven her already...


Forgiving her didn't happen in just one day...it happened after so many years...and by praying continuously..Yeah,some people hurt us deeply that it feels impossible for us to forgive them instantly...I understand that...Ask God to help you heal the wound in your heart...just continue even if it feels like it is impossible to give forgiveness...because I know one day you will going to wake up and feel your heart the pain the hurt are all gone...


God bless you sis ❤

I would say that you're on the right track on your spiritual journey. It is often harder to forget than forgive. The way I do it is I don't keep score on who is supposedly wronging me. I try to start each day with a clean slate. It sounds as if you are able to forgive but can't seem to forget. What I do is say the Lord's prayer each day which covers forgiveness and prepares me spiritually for the day ahead. I believe it would be quite beneficial for you and your husband to pray together each day and do a little reading of the bible as well. It is a good thing that you desire to grow in your relationship with God. Nothing wrong there. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.

It makes perfect sense to me.

Yes you can still feel bad after forgiving.
The pain and hurt can still reside. That’s what we bring to God.

If we wait for the emotions to align with what people generally think forgiveness is all about then we would never forgive.

I am sure God would not ask us to forgive then leave us raw emotions.
He is in the restoration business and that includes our hurts and pain.

Everyone, thank you so much for your responses! It truly has helped me. I do think I have forgiven now I just need to heal, how do I do that? Just pray? I am trying counseling... Things that have happened to me have affected so much of my life.
My step father, grandfather, and two of my cousins had sexually abused me starting as young as I can remember. I told my mother and she literally said "ok." she is Bipolor and has a lot of mental health issues. She was verbally and physically very abusive from as young as I can remember. I can and have worked through the physical abuse and for the most part the verbal abuse doesnt affect me anymore. I have overcome a lot in life.
Nobody protected me as a child and I felt like I just wasnt loved enough. My step mom was verbally and physically abusive and I told her about everyone who sexually abused me and she did nothing. In fact, when my grandfather had a bday party she made me hug him. I threw a huge fit and then got in a lot of trouble for that. IDK how to move on. I dont know how to let go.
Now my husband is lying to me multiple times, I question if he cheated on me. I am trying to let go and move on in our marriage, I just dont know how. I just cant trust. I look at it as he loves me just not enough to stay faithful to me.
How do I deal with this???

I undersatnd where you are coming from.
I have been what you have been through.
My mother through me out aged 14.
Was taken in by a Christian family and spent the next 5 years being sexually abused by my foster dad.

I could go deeper but I won’t.

I would just like to tell you what helped me.

I had unfrogivness in my heart towards my mum and my sexual abuser.
I know the command forgive others but the reality is when we have so much pain as a result that’s all we see and focus on.
Forgivness is not an option to us, I suppose in a sense because we are hurting and we want the offender to be punished because of what they did.

I am 49. Sexually abused from 15-19.

So for 30 years I refused, Yes I refused to for forgive him.
When this guy died I would be free of it.

Truth is that was a lie.

What bought me through this?

I used to go and visit my foster parents, only because I loved my foster mum.
However I got to the stage when I made excuses not to go.

The last occasion I refused to go and made an excuse was about 4 years ago. I told my foster mum and she cried when I put the phone down.

My wife was sat next to me and then she said to me “You know you have to forgive him” I said no I will not and I can’t when he dies then I will be free.

then and this no lie

I got so upset my wife left the room because everything she tried to say was blanked by me.

As I sat on my own God said to me.

Ring back and tell you will come down, let us go and deal with this.
I said no, three times he said it again and three time I said no.

Then the fourth time this is what he said “WHAT PART OF US DO YOU NOT GET I AM COMING WITH YOU, ITS ME AND YOU AND I WILL HELP YOU, NOW COME ON LETS GO”

Long story short, we went God led me through the process so much so that a year later on his deathbed I held his hand a prayed for him, he asked me to sort out his estate and that I did, it took me a further year.

I now have a loving relationship with my mum.

The Truth is that we need God to help us.
He will help us, he will walk us through the process. And he will heal us.

As I posted my thoughts earlier that forgiveness doesn’t always lead to reconciliation but forgiveness truly serves a purpose.

To forgive is to set the prisoner free only to realise the prisoner was you.

Through forgiveness that God walks with in us and the process then we are set free.

Free to live and be like Jesus.

Lakesha, I wanna share this to you which I've learned from my brother in Christ. Forgiveness is much easier if you know this principle. The devil is literally behind every single act of hurt, betrayal, affliction, suffering, dishonesty and wrong doing in your life. Look at the people that are offending you or hurting you and recognizing that person is not your enemy, they are being used to hurt you. The devil is the culprit and that's why we need to forgive the person and trust God. God is stronger than the devil. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust God with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him and we will make your paths straight.