hi. i'm really in a bad place and i have no where else to turn for help right now. for those who ask, yes i am in therapy and i know i will be for a long time. please, i ask that after reading all of this, i beg you not to come down on me too hard. i am very fragile right now. i do know i've done wrong and i continue down a path of destruction.
i have destroyed my family. i have treated my husband of just over 4 years in the most unkind, unloving and uncaring...down right mean and awful ways. i am an instigator of mean. i have neglected my husband, never been there for him when he needed me to. his friend have died and i blew it off like it was nothing. he's been sick or hurt and i blame him for being an inconvenience to me. id o not initiate things to do as a couple, conversation or intimacy. when he finally gets upset because he's hurt, i blame him and never acknowledge i've done anything wrong. i blow up, scream, yell, throw things, and have hit, bitten and scratched. i'm not saying that he was ever right in hitting me, but at the same time i had no right to do it either. ever. but it happened. it's been volatile. i say my husband, but he's really my ex-husband. he moved out in jan, we divorced in apr but never stopped seeing each other or being a family to his daughter and my son. he moved 2 miles away so we are always together. we've recently decided that we want to be together, or so thought, and decided to plan re-marriage in dec.
we are moving past all of this. the struggle is, and what continues to be, is all of my actions that lead up to a major blowout (neglect, ignoring, unkind, not caring).
we started doing devotionals again, praying, and setting ground rules on how and what we need from each other. for the last few months, he has made a drastic change in his demeanor, how he interacts, how i am treated and honestly has pretty much treated me like a queen. all the while, i've done even less than i did before.
i'm not a nice person. i don't care about what i do because i know he'll always be there. i've taken him for granted. i've not been a wife. he gained a lot of weight and i completely gave up on sex period. i'm not looking elsewhere, just no desire to anymore. i'm not spontaneous. i've made him feel worthless, emasculated even. he's busted his butt in trying to the things i've asked and told him i needed from him and he's done them all 10 fold. i've done nothing. i'm not working my therapy as it should be worked. i gave up on faith altogether, wondering why do the devotionals if i don't even know if i believe. i've shut him out of my life and resent him for it.
if i don't have a plan by tomorrow on how i am to show him that i will do the things i've made broken promises to do, he and my step-daughter are leaving for thanksgiving trip alone and we are done. i do not want our family apart. neither does he. we love each other and never want to be apart from the other. he cannot deal with me anymore treating him like utter crap. i say over and over, and he's tired of hearing, "i'll try harder" "i'll do better" "i'll make time for us more" "i'll do more for (insert...)" and that is all i ever have to say. i always have every intention of trying to work my therapy to the fullest, or to make more time for us and planning stuff to do, down to being more intimate and showing him that i love him. i need to do them and do not know what plan to make............
i have destroyed my family. i have treated my husband of just over 4 years in the most unkind, unloving and uncaring...down right mean and awful ways. i am an instigator of mean. i have neglected my husband, never been there for him when he needed me to. his friend have died and i blew it off like it was nothing. he's been sick or hurt and i blame him for being an inconvenience to me. id o not initiate things to do as a couple, conversation or intimacy. when he finally gets upset because he's hurt, i blame him and never acknowledge i've done anything wrong. i blow up, scream, yell, throw things, and have hit, bitten and scratched. i'm not saying that he was ever right in hitting me, but at the same time i had no right to do it either. ever. but it happened. it's been volatile. i say my husband, but he's really my ex-husband. he moved out in jan, we divorced in apr but never stopped seeing each other or being a family to his daughter and my son. he moved 2 miles away so we are always together. we've recently decided that we want to be together, or so thought, and decided to plan re-marriage in dec.
we are moving past all of this. the struggle is, and what continues to be, is all of my actions that lead up to a major blowout (neglect, ignoring, unkind, not caring).
we started doing devotionals again, praying, and setting ground rules on how and what we need from each other. for the last few months, he has made a drastic change in his demeanor, how he interacts, how i am treated and honestly has pretty much treated me like a queen. all the while, i've done even less than i did before.
i'm not a nice person. i don't care about what i do because i know he'll always be there. i've taken him for granted. i've not been a wife. he gained a lot of weight and i completely gave up on sex period. i'm not looking elsewhere, just no desire to anymore. i'm not spontaneous. i've made him feel worthless, emasculated even. he's busted his butt in trying to the things i've asked and told him i needed from him and he's done them all 10 fold. i've done nothing. i'm not working my therapy as it should be worked. i gave up on faith altogether, wondering why do the devotionals if i don't even know if i believe. i've shut him out of my life and resent him for it.
if i don't have a plan by tomorrow on how i am to show him that i will do the things i've made broken promises to do, he and my step-daughter are leaving for thanksgiving trip alone and we are done. i do not want our family apart. neither does he. we love each other and never want to be apart from the other. he cannot deal with me anymore treating him like utter crap. i say over and over, and he's tired of hearing, "i'll try harder" "i'll do better" "i'll make time for us more" "i'll do more for (insert...)" and that is all i ever have to say. i always have every intention of trying to work my therapy to the fullest, or to make more time for us and planning stuff to do, down to being more intimate and showing him that i love him. i need to do them and do not know what plan to make............
