Cheated on Husband - Do I tell him?

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matteroffact

Guest
#1
#1
Hello All,
I have been praying to find a Biblical answer to this question. A few years ago, I was really struggling in my marriage (had been married 10 years at the time). I developed a flirtation with someone, which became physical, although we did not have sex. After feeling horrible from this sinful string of behavior, I have confessed, repented and pleaded with God for forgiveness. I do not want to tell my husband for many reasons, the first being it would crush him. The second is that I know he would either leave me or never trust me again, which I know I deserve. I can't risk that; I have to put our kids first and I can't risk splitting up our family. Here's my question, I know God has forgiven me for the sin of infidelity, but will he forgive me for living a lie to my husband? Is this sin of omission something that I could lose my soul over? In Psalm 51, David pleads for forgiveness when he sins with Bathsheba. He says to God, "against you alone I have sinned." I pray that my confession and repentance to God is enough for this horrible trespass.
I am living with the consequences of this sin every day, and sank into a deep depression over it. I think I would actually feel better to just tell and come clean, but is that selfish if I think it would make ME feel better and hurt my husband? I actually have thought that if he cheated on me, but stopped and never did it again, I would rather not know about it.
Do you think my salvation is at stake if I don't tell?
 
B

Brandon777

Guest
#2
#2
Well it's true. You're matter of fact. Yes you should tell him. How do I know? Because what is the number one thing that Satan is known for? He is called the serpent, the great deceiver. Jesus said only one thing about Satan when he was with us. That he is the Father of Lies. And of the few things Jesus said about Himself He said he is the way the TRUTH and the life. And that the Holy Spirit's other name is the Comforter and the Spirit of TRUTH. In all of Scripture the only thing more important is telling it in love, with gentleness.

You are protecting yourself from the embarrassment, shame, and possible pain of rejection and separation. That feels good. Our hearts are easily deceived by things that feel good. You are protecting your children though! No. This is the most deceptive lie of them all because there's some truth to it. Your family may stay together for a short time while you hide this, but how long will that last? Consistent lying has a stronger possibility of being found out. And believe me, it's a lot harder explaining yourself when you don't come out with it yourself. Fear? No. That shouldn't stop us from approaching the truth with confidence. It is up to God what happens to us. I find that the hardest thing to deal with is how it feels knowing I did something wrong in front of God. Don't worry about this either. Jesus proclaimed "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

Tell the whole truth in purity and give up the power that you've claimed with it by holding this secret over your family. God gives us freedom to do what we will including if that means walking from Him. Consider that God knows how evil it is to walk away from Himself. You're holding you're husbands choice from him. And you're experiencing the pressure of having his choice in front of you every time you're with him and when ever you think of him. Just let him make it. You're stealing it from him. It doesn't belong to you. God gives your husband his own decisions to make. You've already made your choice, all you can do is move forward, but you've been torn inside because no matter how much you tell yourself you can move on, you can't as long as you keep this knowledge from your husband.
 
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Devoted2JC

Devoted2JC

Senior Member
#3
Jan 16, 2011
4,260
77
48
#3
I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make.
Also, don't just have your husband forgive you,
you need to forgive yourself as well.
 
M

matteroffact

Guest
#4
#4
Well thank you for your input. I can understand that it can seem so clear from the outside looking in. I also know that being married and having gone through some struggles does add a different perspective. When I was 22, single and had all the idealism of complete honesty with my spouse, I would probably have given the same advice. But where do you draw the line? If we think it, we have committted it in our behearts. So if I have thought that I might want to keave my husband, but stayed because God hates divoece, do I tell my husband I have thoufht this? Do I tell him if I ever had a dream about an ex? What if i think about having sex with someone else- even a fleeting thought? My point is, i think most people in a relatiinnship have had doubts, or sinned in their hearts against theirspouse. If we confess to God and repent, aand try not to do it anymore, does that cover our sins? Or are they only covered hy the blood if we tell our spouse every time we betray them- in thought AND deed? I don't think I would ever make it through marriage if that was the case. How woukd any spouse handle that? I appreciate your thoughts Brandon777, but am wondering if someone who has been married has some guidance on this?
 
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tfairless777

Guest
#5
#5
I have never been married but I do know about telling someone about something you did to hurt them. Just remember your husband will think of the kids as well. You should tell him. But it is up to you. Make sure if you do he knows how sorry you are and that you will never let it happen again. Also tell him about how God is in control of your life. This may sound cliche, but if he loves you and he loves God he will forgive you. You may have to earn trust back, but if he is of good heart he will forgive. If you dont want to tell him. It might help if you get a group to help you. Pastor and church friends to be their as wisdom givers. But dont just take my advice. Do what you know God wants you to do
 
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Aggie89

Guest
#6
#6
As a husband, I would want to know. As a Christian, I would take all things into consideration, then forgive. If your husband is a Christian man, he will do the same. Besides, everything we do in faith, is in Christ's hands. How could it possibly go awry?
 
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shekaniah

Guest
#7
#7
Welcome to CC!
You should post this in the prayer or ladies forum.
You will get prayer and loving advice.

As for my thought on this...
It's better coming from you, than someone else later.
Secrets always have a way of coming to the surface.
You will always carry this guilt if you don't,
and it will come out in your feelings toward your husband.

Ask God for wisdom
I will pray for you too
Love in Christ Shekaniah
 
Richiee

Richiee

Member
#8
May 25, 2012
38
1
8
47
#8
matteroffact said:
Hello All,
I have been praying to find a Biblical answer to this question. A few years ago, I was really struggling in my marriage (had been married 10 years at the time). I developed a flirtation with someone, which became physical, although we did not have sex. After feeling horrible from this sinful string of behavior, I have confessed, repented and pleaded with God for forgiveness. I do not want to tell my husband for many reasons, the first being it would crush him. The second is that I know he would either leave me or never trust me again, which I know I deserve. I can't risk that; I have to put our kids first and I can't risk splitting up our family. Here's my question, I know God has forgiven me for the sin of infidelity, but will he forgive me for living a lie to my husband? Is this sin of omission something that I could lose my soul over? In Psalm 51, David pleads for forgiveness when he sins with Bathsheba. He says to God, "against you alone I have sinned." I pray that my confession and repentance to God is enough for this horrible trespass.
I am living with the consequences of this sin every day, and sank into a deep depression over it. I think I would actually feel better to just tell and come clean, but is that selfish if I think it would make ME feel better and hurt my husband? I actually have thought that if he cheated on me, but stopped and never did it again, I would rather not know about it.
Do you think my salvation is at stake if I don't tell?
Click to expand...


I know for sure many will not appreciate my Advice.
But i still would like to go on hoping for a good cause to you dear Sis.

I Appreciate your truthfullness in your heart.
Its a good thing that you have REPENTED and confessed to God and no longer continuing in that sin.

God forgives our sins, what it might be, when we repent and confess it.
You need to believe it and and be free.

Practically speaking, you should not tell it to your husband as it will surely hurt him and it may lead problems in your family life. Building a relationship is tough in modern times.

Satan tries to break familes apart by his schemes. So do not give place to him.

You dont need to feel depressed anymore all your sins are forgiven.Try to show more Love and care towards your hubby and kids and build a Happy family.:)

Proverbs 14:1
The wise woman builds her house,
But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.

GBU Sis
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#9
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#9
I can tell the guilt is overwhelming for you :(

I think you're going to have to confess it to your husband and ask for his forgiveness. Yes, he will hurt for awhile but when he sees your true repentance, he should be able to forgive. Your relationship can become stronger as you work through this. You might want to consider going to a Christian marriage counselor. A third party can help keep things calm.

It is a sign of respect to confess a wrong to a friend...no matter the consequences.

It would be especially bad if he found out from someone else.

Think how much freer you will be to love him as he deserves to be loved. Right now you are a slave to guilt for having dishonored your vow to him.

If you do decide to do this, prepare first. Fast and pray.

Don't just blurt it out suddenly but make sure the kids are away from the house (don't have this conversation in public) and start with saying how sorry you are that it happened.

I don't think you need to confess your thoughts to anybody but God. But adultery is a serious offense...is needs confession, restitution and forgiveness.

Praying for strength and guidance for you and that your husband's heart will be filled with love and forgiveness



 
N

nw2u

Guest
#10
#10
It is very hard to hear that my spouse cheated. I think this is one for a christian counselor. I think if you had the guts to do the deed, you gotta have the guts to talk about it with a counselor at the very least. Good luck. I will pray for you.
 
I

InAweofHisGlory

Guest
#11
#11
You should. The truth will set you free.
 
N

nw2u

Guest
#12
#12
nw2u said:
It is very hard to hear that my spouse cheated. I think this is one for a christian counselor. I think if you had the guts to do the deed, you gotta have the guts to talk about it with a counselor at the very least. Good luck. I will pray for you.
Click to expand...
Just read this again and it doesn't read well. I am sorry for the way I posted. I meant I understand what it is like to find out that my spouse cheated. No connection to anyone here.
 
P

preacher1174

Guest
#13
#13
hello, Matteroffact

First there is only one reason for a divorce and that is fornication (adultery Matthew 5 31-32), if you have ask God to for give u he will but before ur conscience will be clear you will have to forgive yourself for this act. the bible teaches us that if we will not forgive others there trespasses how can
God forgive us of our own. even if we are the ones to sin against our self our own body, we have to forgive our self before God will forgive us. you have taking this to your alter and left it there, ask God to give you a heart to forgive your self and then go back and offer all this guilt and shame to God, and have your conscience cleared. i have done things that i could not forgive my self for, and when talking my pastor at the time i told him that i couldn't forgive me self he told me what i just told you, and when i done that, he give me peace of mind an heart. God bless!!
 
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Brandon777

Guest
#14
#14
matteroffact said:
Well thank you for your input. I can understand that it can seem so clear from the outside looking in. I also know that being married and having gone through some struggles does add a different perspective. When I was 22, single and had all the idealism of complete honesty with my spouse, I would probably have given the same advice. But where do you draw the line? If we think it, we have committted it in our behearts. So if I have thought that I might want to keave my husband, but stayed because God hates divoece, do I tell my husband I have thoufht this? Do I tell him if I ever had a dream about an ex? What if i think about having sex with someone else- even a fleeting thought? My point is, i think most people in a relatiinnship have had doubts, or sinned in their hearts against theirspouse. If we confess to God and repent, aand try not to do it anymore, does that cover our sins? Or are they only covered hy the blood if we tell our spouse every time we betray them- in thought AND deed? I don't think I would ever make it through marriage if that was the case. How woukd any spouse handle that? I appreciate your thoughts Brandon777, but am wondering if someone who has been married has some guidance on this?
Click to expand...
I was engaged, not that that gives me any more or less wisdom about honesty. It all depends on how much you care about your spouse. Why are you completely honest with God? Because you want to be close to him. If you desire intimacy with your husband then the more honesty you give the more intimacy you'll get out of it. You get out what you put in; don't expect it any differently. Plus you said it yourself, it's the ideal situation. Ideally marriage should be that way. The response of your husband is not something you need worry about because you're not in control of it. Easier said than done, yet still it's worth the effort. Watch this. Part of your point is that it's only natural that fantasies about another person arise even if only a fleeting thought. Well if you can try to convince me of that; what stops you from doing that for your husband? I'm sure he knows well what lust does to a person. If you want intimacy, half of it is really up to you.
 
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episcopotic

Guest
#15
#15
As a husband, I would want to know. The question, to me, isn't about who it will hurt or what will happen to the family - with apologies, those decisions were made a while ago. And I would think my wife was using charity as an excuse if she lied to me for my sake.

From the outside, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference - is she having her cake and eating it too? Or is she genuinely concerned? Nobody knows. A birthday card might mean she wants to celebrate the fact that I'm alive, or she slept with the gardener.

What it does mean is that if she can convince herself it's for my own good, she can lie about anything. If this is a valid principle - I don't have to tell someone if it'll hurt him - then everything is up for grabs. The more painful an act, the more I have a free pass with my wife. My God, perhaps not, but my wife can remain oblivious.

Recently, my wife went on a trip. A business trip. Except, it turned out to be a wedding. My relationship with her family has always been difficult and she didn't want me to suffer, knowing she was with them, when I wanted her to be with me in our new home. I found out and we dealt with the lie. It was difficult and I nearly burned the house down, which I'm not certain is a metaphor.

Now that it's been established she can lie to keep me comfortable, however, I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop. I would much rather hear "I tell you this even though it hurts and there might be consequences."
 
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BrittanyJones

Guest
#16
#16
I have never been married, however, just from reading your post, I think you know what the right answer is for you to do. What will happen with your marriage not even a married person can tell you. It's very obvious you are living in so much fear because you yourself do not know. Doing the right thing is so INCREDIBLY hard but its still the right thing to do. Whatever happens trust God is gonna be there with you every step of that way, as He was with David.

Cast your burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain you: he shall never permit the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55

If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
Psalm 37

+tons more verses written by David
 
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mumo

Guest
#17
#17
God has given us his promise to forgive us our sins when we repent.It is the scars of sin that we have to live with.Davids child with bethsheba died eventually.Your marriage might eventually suffer whether you disclose the affair to your husband or you dont.
 
brokenheart69

brokenheart69

Banned
#19
Mar 17, 2012
49
0
0
#19
Words are 2 edge swords that will cut u and ur husband. It’s clearly visible that u have truly repented to GOD about ur problem. He will be hurt and will be mad at ya. But this is really hurting u. Being so sexual contact involved he may find it easier to forgive u, after a while of stewing over it. Only God know the outcome of his reactions, remember that Jesus has already forgiven ya. It’s Satan that keeps reminding ya and its keeping ya trapped in guilt. The only way to get rid of this power he has over ya it’s to tell ur hubby.
Like Shekaniah said its better to hear from ya then 4 him to find out by an outside source.
Mark 4:22 (AMP)
22 [Things are hidden temporarily only as a means to revelation.] For there is nothing hidden except to be revealed, nor is anything [temporarily] kept secret except in order that it may be made known.
It’s better to be from ur mouth. I will keep ya and ur husband in my prayers.
As soon as u gt an answer from God on what 2 do, do it that the healing may begin.
 
R

Risen

Guest
#20
#20
Ephesians 4:15 But speaking the truth in love ...

Matthew 10:27
What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.

Luke 12:3
What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.

it is better for your husband to know it from you than from anybody else even from the man that you flirt with.

The truth has its own way of revealing itself.

This sense of being entitled to go out of bounds unfortunately isn’t just limited to powerful people. A lot of ordinary folks make that mistake as well; feeling that maybe they’re entitled to cut some corners morally, to get a little pleasure from some Internet porn, some excitement with someone other than my husband or wife, to get a little money I think I should have coming to me.

It is a great error to hold, as some do, that each man's conduct is his own business unless his acts infringe on the rights of others. "My liberty ends where yours begins," is true, but that is not all the truth. No one ever has the right to commit an evil act, no matter how secret.

Number 32:23 but if you will fail to do this, you will be sinning aganist the Lord. and you maybe sure that your sin will find you out.
 
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