F
Hey there. I've got an eating disorder, when I really think about it. This all started out about a year ago...I had some spare chubb, I'd wanted to lose for AGES, but I decided right there and then to make it my New Year's Resolution. And it worked! I lost almost 20 pounds and found a nice-lookin' bod I wasn't sure I'd ever find 
-only problem...I wanted to stop losing weight but I wasn't sure how. Stop exercising? I had come to a point, where I'd come so far, that I was deathly afraid of gaining anything. But I didn't want to become too skinny! It became obsessive and just bad. I was trying to avoid gaining weight, because if I was to slip up and get some more tubbiness-that would be terrible!!!! I wouldn't let it happen! But I didn't want to become too skinny either! It was scary, to know I might be wasting myself away! To end up turning to soemone who turns thinner and thinner, unable to stop. 'Cuz I neverwanted to end up like that. But it's happening, and it's like I'm dancing on a razor-thin edge-waking my parents up in the middle of the night begging them to reassure me that I wasn't getting too skinny, that I wasn't getting too bony; it was just my imagination. And then when I woke up, or whatever, thinking "Oh rats! I still need to lose some more weight here and there, this isn't working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I've talked to my parents they're very supportive. Things like phobias, OCD, and other problems tend to be inherent, and it's in my family. So I'm getting better!...but there'll be times, when i'm tired, when i'm stressed (and it happens a lot nowadays)-that it coems back, worrying and all. So thats my deal. Honestly, I hate it. It means you can't go out with freinds, eating pizza or snacking or whatever-just having a fun time!-without thinking-"how many calories are in this thing? what are the ingredients? How much calories per bite, per slice/exc.? And how much exercising do I have to do to get rid of it?" I can't even have a fun time any more!!!!! I think sometimes, was it worth it? To lose weight? Or should I have stayed like I used to be-when I was fat and I was content. But I don't want to go back!
What most often happens is this-after each meal, or snack or anything-I'll feel like exercising. Even if it's veggies or something totally healthy! I'll be thinking-OK this much exercise for this much food, remembering how much fat/exc. is in it. And then...what also most often happens, is that after I exercise, I'll panic-I exercised too much! I'm begin too hard on myself! Can't I feel my bonyness, how I'm wasting myself away! And then I'll feel like eating soemthing-to make up for it, you know. But then the whole cycle will start again-eat, exercise, guilt-trip, eat, exercise....you get it.
I think I'm also easily impressionable. Like my dad told me once-that people should sit down for TOO long. It might make their metabolism go down. He meant of course kids who watch tv all day long, or people with office jobs. But now, I'll be afraid to sit down sometimes, especially right after I eat. And everytime I get up from soemthing if I've been sitting down for a really long time (say, half-an-hour to an hour) I'll feel like exercising to rework anything (I'm speaking how it is in my mind, bear with me). Or maybe I hear on the radio-that if you eat junk food you have ten minutes to reverse it with hard exercising. So that's why these days I'm constantly excusing myself much really early from meals to lock myself in my room and do it. And shout at anyone who interrupts. I feel bad about that too.
And I'm starting to get into a numbers-thing. I always do exercising in 5's or 10's, or in some kind of number order (20 this, 10 that, 5 this, so on). If not, I feel like it's incomplete. You would never want to do too little exercising!
Even right now, late at night-I had a late night dinner. Is that bad? I've been sitting down for quite a while now typing this. I should do something! Seriously, I feel super bad about it. I'm praying that I can get over it. (Imagine a bunch of demons whispering in your head. Yeah. Thats it.) If there's anyone else out there at all, who had anything similar to what I've got, I would be so grateful!
-only problem...I wanted to stop losing weight but I wasn't sure how. Stop exercising? I had come to a point, where I'd come so far, that I was deathly afraid of gaining anything. But I didn't want to become too skinny! It became obsessive and just bad. I was trying to avoid gaining weight, because if I was to slip up and get some more tubbiness-that would be terrible!!!! I wouldn't let it happen! But I didn't want to become too skinny either! It was scary, to know I might be wasting myself away! To end up turning to soemone who turns thinner and thinner, unable to stop. 'Cuz I neverwanted to end up like that. But it's happening, and it's like I'm dancing on a razor-thin edge-waking my parents up in the middle of the night begging them to reassure me that I wasn't getting too skinny, that I wasn't getting too bony; it was just my imagination. And then when I woke up, or whatever, thinking "Oh rats! I still need to lose some more weight here and there, this isn't working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I've talked to my parents they're very supportive. Things like phobias, OCD, and other problems tend to be inherent, and it's in my family. So I'm getting better!...but there'll be times, when i'm tired, when i'm stressed (and it happens a lot nowadays)-that it coems back, worrying and all. So thats my deal. Honestly, I hate it. It means you can't go out with freinds, eating pizza or snacking or whatever-just having a fun time!-without thinking-"how many calories are in this thing? what are the ingredients? How much calories per bite, per slice/exc.? And how much exercising do I have to do to get rid of it?" I can't even have a fun time any more!!!!! I think sometimes, was it worth it? To lose weight? Or should I have stayed like I used to be-when I was fat and I was content. But I don't want to go back!What most often happens is this-after each meal, or snack or anything-I'll feel like exercising. Even if it's veggies or something totally healthy! I'll be thinking-OK this much exercise for this much food, remembering how much fat/exc. is in it. And then...what also most often happens, is that after I exercise, I'll panic-I exercised too much! I'm begin too hard on myself! Can't I feel my bonyness, how I'm wasting myself away! And then I'll feel like eating soemthing-to make up for it, you know. But then the whole cycle will start again-eat, exercise, guilt-trip, eat, exercise....you get it.
I think I'm also easily impressionable. Like my dad told me once-that people should sit down for TOO long. It might make their metabolism go down. He meant of course kids who watch tv all day long, or people with office jobs. But now, I'll be afraid to sit down sometimes, especially right after I eat. And everytime I get up from soemthing if I've been sitting down for a really long time (say, half-an-hour to an hour) I'll feel like exercising to rework anything (I'm speaking how it is in my mind, bear with me). Or maybe I hear on the radio-that if you eat junk food you have ten minutes to reverse it with hard exercising. So that's why these days I'm constantly excusing myself much really early from meals to lock myself in my room and do it. And shout at anyone who interrupts. I feel bad about that too.
And I'm starting to get into a numbers-thing. I always do exercising in 5's or 10's, or in some kind of number order (20 this, 10 that, 5 this, so on). If not, I feel like it's incomplete. You would never want to do too little exercising!
Even right now, late at night-I had a late night dinner. Is that bad? I've been sitting down for quite a while now typing this. I should do something! Seriously, I feel super bad about it. I'm praying that I can get over it. (Imagine a bunch of demons whispering in your head. Yeah. Thats it.) If there's anyone else out there at all, who had anything similar to what I've got, I would be so grateful!
