I know how that feels. THrowing this out here cos it might help, I used to be a really big self-loather and occasionally I still am. I just would do something bad and I would just mentally trash myself, even sometimes until I'd cry. Then I realized that there's a difference between humbling yourself and trying to punish yourself to make up for what you did. You don't need to punish yourself. Jesus took on the punishment for your sin so for you to punish yourself would make punishment come twice. Jesus loves it when we come back to him and he forgives. It feels less like running with that