Terribly wounded by infidelity, please pray for me and my relationship

Hello all,

Thank you for reading this post. It is a very long story, but I will spare you the details. I will try to make this as short as I can.

I want my relationship with my girlfriend to heal. I want to marry her someday, but my heart has been so terribly wounded by something she did a couple of times a long time ago. She swears it will never happen again. I believe her...but then I don't. I am whip-lashed by this duality. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of something like infidelity, knows this pain runs deep, and lasts a long, long time. This trust issue has been the single most destructive thing I have ever endured psychologically, spiritually, etc. It is also the only barrier to me asking her to marry. She wants to, but is convinced I do not want to. I have tried to tell her gently that it is out of fear of being hurt again, yet ironically, I am still with her now. I know, maybe confusing. I guess my thoughts are: right now, if she hurt me again, I would have a way to escape it more easily. If we were married, under the same roof, etc. it would be unbearable. I am a sensitive guy, perhaps too sensitive. I am working on that.

I have realized (in the past couple of weeks) that though I had spoken the words "I forgive you" in the past, I really hadn't in my heart. I thought I had, but I truly had not. I am asking the Lord to help me with this. I love her very much, and want more than anything to get passed this and get to a place where we will get married. But trust is a tricky thing, and losing it can make someone come unglued. I know I have certainly been severely damaged by this.

Unfortunately, now this issue has become more about me and my inability to overcome this and it has taken its toll. My fears and anxiety are the source of our being once again at the brink. I am really hurting, and in terrible shape at the idea of it ending.

I don't know what God's will is. I wish it were the same as mine...don't we all. Perhaps He has put us through this for a reason and that reason doesn't necessarily mean He means for us to be together. I have to accept that possibility, but will admit that I am fighting it tooth and nail. I hope that is not His will, but who am I...just a lump of clay.

So I will leave you with this:

We are told in the Bible to be specific in our requests. I request any of you good folks who feel moved to do so, will say a heart-felt prayer on our behalf, and pray that Susie and I will make it. I ask that the Holy Spirit dive into both our hearts. I ask that you pray that her Christian walk becomes stronger, and mine to be restored to what it once was. I want to heal, and I want us as a couple to walk into the sunset, married someday. Please pray His will be done in any case, but that whatever it is, that He not tarry too long.

Thank you and God Bless you all.

-John

Well, John, here goes. First, I am assuming that this infidelity happen during the course of your relationship with her. While you were deeply hurt from her infidelity the fact is you were not married to her at the time. Now, here is the tricky part - if your two were living together outside of marriage I would say that would be the same as cheating on you if you were married. If this is so I would end this relationship to avoid further hurt and mistrust. I would treat this differently if this occurred while the two of you were dating. In that case, I would wipe the slate clean and put it behind the both of you providing that she was deeply sorry for hurting you. I would also want to know what the situation was at the time that led to this cheating.

Either way, this maybe too much for you to carry as there would always be the past hurt and mistrust that you would have to deal with on a daily basis for perhaps years to come.

Personally, John - if it were me I would break off the relationship. It is indeed possible for God to bless this future marriage, and that may be His desire but it certainly is not His will as He does not compel anyone to get married.

Dump her John and move forward in your life. You sound like a nice guy and you deserve a woman who will be completely faithful to you.

I agree,you deserve a lot better,and you deserve to have a woman that will be faithful to you.

Lord Jesus, give your mind to John, and susie, let them share a sweet fellowship, and love. Lord Jesus, let the precious time be used for your glory, and not in thoughts, which would not benefit them, rather harm them. we bless them both and pray for a new beginning in their life, Amen

It seems you have a beautiful and understanding heart...God bless you from the bottom of mine. Thank you my friend.

Thank you for your response. Again I will try to keep this very brief. I apologize in advance if it goes a little long.

Since you were curious about the circumstances, I will tell you a small detail. First of all, the relationship has some wonderful things that obviously keep me there...those are probably obvious and relative to all relationships so I won't expound on them. We have been together for over 2 1/2 years.

I will share this: I believe that sometimes when people come into our lives, our lives can be profoundly impacted--sometimes positively, sometimes negatively. I would like to preface what I am about to write by saying that I am in no way trying to aggrandize or tout myself. What I am about to say could possibly sound like that so I had to make that clear. I try to be humble.

After being together for a while, she told me that she felt more loved by me than anyone she has ever known--including her own parents. She also said to me that she felt that I was showing her how to love...two of the greatest compliments I have ever received, and made me wonder if God was using me in this way. Maybe that is arrogant. Forgive me if it sounds like it. Anyway, I already knew that she was a very wounded soul, but some time later (after the first breech of trust--which was with her ex) I broke it off. Two months went by and she wrote me the most heart-felt letter you could imagine. She called herself onto the carpet for everything. Some of those things were: That she was manipulative, turned to men for validation, and didn't feel lovable, among other things. Those were things I already knew in my heart, but hearing the confession caused me to feel extreme empathy and compassion and my heart melted right there on the spot. Would I want someone to give up on me?? Is that not the heart of "do unto others" and "love thy neighbor". I didn't want to give up. I was in agony for those two months. I loved her deeply. Needless to say we got back together, but it has been a roller coaster since.

But just to be clear: It is not only her that has "benefited" form the relationship in terms of personal growth. I have learned more about myself than I can express being in this relationship. We have just sustained a lot of wounds and things have become dire.

I believe that God cares more about love than anything else. The "when" and "how" we learn to love our selves--and others, is the real trick. But learning is the goal. I hope that makes sense.

I am praying for restoration. I am praying for it as hard as I know how, through tears, confessions to Him, and bruised knees (metaphorically).

I understand the "just dump her" advice. I really do. But I have this nagging in my heart. I can't explain it. I have long since let go of the notion of being "led" by God. I think it is all to easy for people to confuse their own thoughts/ideas/desires for being "led". But the nagging is there regardless. I don't know what to do. Which is why I am here asking for prayer.

So again I understand your advice, and don't resent it. But I am here hoping to share that I am in pain, and really hoping God can/will help us get through this. I am only asking those with the heart to do so, if they would please say a prayer for two people that love each other, but whose relationship is hurting, and ultimately, for God's will.

Thanks again for your time. And I apologize this went so long.

God bless,

John

I understand the pain of a broken heart so well. I enjoy writing and receiving letters and I understand as well how special that letter that she wrote to you is. Perhaps that 'ex' of hers is like some sort of drug that she needed to get a fix so that she could feel good inside of her thoughts for a brief moment of time. Unless this is out of her system you will live in fear of a relapse. I guess that the question is what is your tolerance for pain if this were to happen in the future, especially if you were now married to her. Understanding and overlooking one's past before the relationship begins is one thing but what happens in the present is another thing all together. This woman character is questionable John but only you can decide what is true or what is fantasy and I wish you all the best.

Some one once said to me ......be careful what you pray for......I know your hurting....my ex husband cheated
one me with a couple of my friends.......so I have experianced this pain..... ask yourself this.....do you make
your decision on pretty words... or the fruit of her spirit...mistakes happen.. I will agree to that....but do you
want her back because your in pain....and think this is what will take it away....or do you want her back because
she is the person you will want to grow old with.....someone you trust with your life....someone who wont
flake out in times of trouble.......I wonder if you asked God if He has chosen this girl for your wife....that
answer will give you peace...not confusion....I could not live with the constant thoughts of betrayal...
no one knows what tommarrow brings.....in my heart ....I think....you deserve better...
peace....jo
My prayer for you my brother is that you find peace and joy with what God has in His plan for you....
and have the wisdom He gives you....to accept it......in Jesus' name...amen

John, please both get Christian counseling, separately, and individually. There's a lot of baggage and issues that need to be dealt with by a professional. I am praying!

I meant counseling individually and as a couple. I know that it's difficult to find a good Christian counselor at times, but your church leadership may either conduct the counseling or refer you to someone locally.

You both are in my prayers in Jesus for all healing.

John, trust is not something earned, simply because all men fail, Jesus said,'I put my trust in no man."
Trust is a choice, one trusts because in a marriage, to be one with each other there must be trust.
But as Jesus said, I put my trust in no man.
What this tells us is that we decide to, and place our trust in God for our marraige, living as one, trusting that God will provide all we need.
There are no garrentees in the world, but in Jesus, we can set our trust in God for our marriage, knowing that even if one fails, God will not.
For you both stand before the cross, as sinners, none are able to overcome sin on their own.
Trust all in Jesus to God Our Father, and you will find the peace you seek.

God bless
pickles

I thank you all for your wisdom and prayers. It means so much to me to know that perfect strangers are praying for me/us.

"Jogoldie"...yes I am sure of this person. Like I have said in my previous post, there is so much more to this story. I love her with all mt heart.

I have seen things in a new perspective and have gained an insight and wisdom literally in the couple days since finding this forum. I prayed for wisdom. Might that be the Lord answering? Who knows, but it is a coincidence, but a blessing nonetheless.

I send love to all of you for your prayers and support. When its all said and done, and all of us are in heaven, I am asking the Lord to remind me that there are a few people from this forum that I wanted to meet and thank.

God Bless you all.

I'm so happy that you found the answers you seek.....stick around my brother...
And welcome to the family........peace.....jo

Aw, the drama of the lost... When she cheated on you a couple of times, do you mean with a couple of different guys (and you can bet you don't know half of it)? It was long time ago, was it before you two had any sort of monogamy understanding? Are you trying to punish her for not keeping an obligation that she hadn't agreed to in the first place?

If my girlfriend had cheated on me, she'd be history the second I discovered it. Better to get away from an immoral woman before marriage than have the marriage crash and burn. And, it will crash and burn. If she really did violate your trust and demonstrate poor morals, man up and kick her to the curb. Don't let your emotions prevent you from doing what you need to do.

Sorry Jamal, but you are way off base. You are making great assumptions the chief of which is that I am "lost". Perhaps you could have made some inquiries instead of filling in the blanks and pounding your gavel. I came here for prayer, not ham-fisted machismo wrapped in self-righteous platitudes. You don't know "the half of it" as you have said. Are there any Christians where monogamy has to be more than a tacit understanding? Manning up does not always equate to hardening your heart. Would Christ have come to save us if He "manned up" the way you espouse? He manned up in quite a different way.


Read John 8:7 and dust off your mirror Jamal. I am doing the same.


In your defense, I understand what the word cheating connotes. However, there are different circumstances. It would require me to write a very long response and I did not come here to bog people down with every detail of how we came to where we are; nor did I come here to argue or get defensive. That's not terribly constructive. I will say this: Over two and a half years ago I met a woman who was only a month out of a relationship, and in some moments of confusion in her heart, she made some bad choices involving her ex. They were close together in occurrence, and happened long ago. I never should have gotten involved with someone in that state, and she shouldn't have either. We both erred in that regard. Lesson learned. But now she has paid the price, and I am the one who has let fear and unforgiveness poison us. It is normal to be fearful--the very same reason (I am sure) why you would to choose to "kick her to the curb". It takes a long time to overcome, but she has paid the price, and now can't take it anymore.


Perhaps you could re-read the other posts I have put up in this thread I started. I understand what it may appear to be to you, but I assure you, it is not the case. I am now the one who has done serious damage with the poison of unforgiveness. I have learned a lot about my own heart through this, and she has learned about hers as well. Isn't that what our trials are all about? I just fear it may be too late. God's will be done in any case.


I came here for prayer from any who might be willing. If you are not, that is okay. There are others who have said I should go as well. I guess they just had a different tone.


Peace to you regardless...and I am not being sarcastic.


-John