Lord, sinner #8,235,287,119,334.3144 here

Time can be a blur, or a jail cell, either too little or too much bunched or scattered around our existence. In those moments I find that reflection on my path and overall condition of my condition isn't something I look forward to reviewing. It started out simple enough. Getting spanked right off the bat and wondering why I had that coming. The first blow for the penalties of original sin no doubt.

It doesn't take a pessimist to figure out, all is not right in our lives, and true to form, it begins with ourselves. At some point we realize that our sin nature is not a welcome discovery, and the task of dealing with the source of the problem, begins with our choices to accept the established truth revealed through God's Word. Only a fool disagrees with God. I didn't want that label, still don't but never the less, that doesn't stop me from feeling like one. A sinners conviction, and realization that all his deeds are as filthy rags before a Holy God takes a while to run its course. The gift of His redemptive grace is truly a magnificent one, and I for one am grateful beyond even my own understanding that it was extended to me.

I'm crying as I write, hoping that like a mirror, my words will reveal something to me that I missed. They are both a prayer and an honest admission, that suffering is part of my life, and no amount of doing things right, or right thinking was going to keep that from happening. I ask if I'm crying for myself, and yes, I would be that. I am also crying because I feel I'm letting down the Father who created me. I'm disappointed that my own strength isn't enough to keep me above the waves that are rolling over my soul, my body and mind.

I am reminded that we are to choose life, because life can be good, and its something given to us by a loving creator. Its a gift, most of us undervalue in ways we do not appreciate, foolishly spending its unraveling demise on what we think is important. Too often I've made the right choice only after I've exhausted all the wrong ones. One right decision, is that I accept God's sacrifice for my life, I'd be stupid not to. You have to love God for that, don't you? To love God, the way He tells us, is to obey His commands. I read His book to find those things that show my imperfect love for a perfect God. I find myself failing. More times than I want to admit.

A wise man seeks to gain more wisdom, growing in the knowledge of Christ. He that has knowledge, is to use it right, for the good of others. A wise man listens to advice, otherwise he's only a fool who is right in his own eyes. Do you suspect a trap, where the bait is an age old predicament? Perhaps that's too dramatic a hook, but I do find myself caught in a tight net, with far too many predators at bay. I find myself in a place where the first and obvious answers do not address the problems, and my spiral swirls down a rabbit hole that is not wonderland.

Logic is my friend usually, but it presents more than it fixes, for there is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end, isn't. That fish didn't become a man, that man is trapped like a fish. I'm dressing up an issue I'm ashamed to admit. I've started to ask God to take me home. He's on hold. I'm on hold. Consistent pain makes you selfish. I want it to go away. Some days I handle it better than other days. Today, I cry. I'm isolated, its hard to talk, and what do you say? Make it go away, is a request not easily granted. Except by God. Life does not revolve around me, I'm a very small part of it. In fact I am like grass, and my glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall. My ass is grass, and the lawn mower is getting loud. How is my life relevant now? I'm a sparrow in a large wood, one with a name only a handful have heard.

A soldier says to God, but I'm fighting for the right things, when the bullet hits. A young girl says, " I had the right of way, why did that car drive over me"? An older man thinks, " I'm not as useful now, and no one wants me." They struggle to understand what happened, and so am I. Struggling. So much happens that is not Gods will. We hurt without trying to. Father, why do I hurt you, its as simple as just obeying, right? Am I so weak or defective, that parts of me want to die, just to avoid the pain that finds its home in my body, am I so selfish that this pain takes over my mind when its You that should fill it? Have I become another lamb slaughtered, where is the fruit I want to bear, so that You will be glorified? The only righteousness I have is imputed. Pleas have no substance with which to bargain. The mercy I ask for is not deserved. How long do tears last that do not dry? Forgive my shallowness, forgive the vanity that demands its due, forgive my many words, for sin is not absent.

These are passing thoughts, but from a man, a mouse, or a moose? I surrender even my understanding, let your Name be gloried, and let my lips sing your praises in spite of all that I feel.

Proverbs 3:5-6

You are in my prayers in Jesus's name for the peace, love and a true joy in Jesus.

You know the story of the prodjical son, most people miss the most important part of the story though.
You see, when the son returned, the reason His father was watching, and the son was restored as His son?
Was the true inheiritance was not the moneys the son squandered.
The true inheiritance could never be lost to any son that returns, it is the perfect love of His Father.

I want to share one other simple understanding.
We read in the scriptures about the blood of the lamb being shed for us.
What most now do not know now, was known in the time of Jesus as most people had a few sheep to provide what they needed.
When lambing season comes, often, a lamb will be orphaned, one would think it would be a simple thing to simply give the lamb to a mother sheep who's lamb had perished, but this will not work, as the mother knows her own lamb, so any other is unacceptible to her.
So the shepard will take the lamb that died, opening it up, the shepard covers the orphaned lamb in the blood of the one that died,in doing so, the mother lamb recognises the lamb as her own, and accepts it.
We are bathed in the blood of Jesus, so we may be acceptable before God.
Dont let that blood be shed in vain, in faith, know always the loving gift given to you.
For God so loved the world, that while we were still sinners, He sent His only begotten son as a sacrifice for our sins.
He who has begun a good work in you will bring it to compleation upon the day of Our Lord.

Ill be praying for you in Jesus.
God bless
pickles

Thank you pickles. And for taking the time to respond with encouragement. I wish it didn't wear off so quickly.

Lord Jesus, please hear and answer, Amen

Its hard to describe the difference when the pain lets up. I've had a pill, and its reduced it enough that I'm almost in a good mood. A different room even. Can't imagine what Jesus felt in the garden when He couldn't talk with the Father. The isolation is so thick and daunting. I still don't understand the most powerful all knowing God, able to do anything, is so completely silent. When I read, " Whatever is not of faith is sin, " its a devastating concept with invisible handles. Come boldly to the throne is a wonderful invitation, but reading God's response to Jobs thoughts, plea's and questions.

I have no desire to insult or doubt His purposes. I don't know what is worse, the prolonged waiting, not understanding, or the certainty of the trial playing out on your hide. I appreciate the prayers, and petition on my behalf. My mood has been up and down like a yo-yo today.

Moose, like you, I have lived for over thirtyfive years now with chronic and severe pain.
Just when I thought I had found a way to manage the pain and live with it, more was added onto me.
I often wondered what sin I had commited to deserve such punishment, why my own body had become so great a prison.
But then, I remebered that our sins were nailed to the cross with Jesus, thus, if not punishment then what? so why still such pain?
Then through reading the scriptures, and the help of Jesus in understanding, I came to see that the world brings these things, simply because sin entered the world, when sin entered the world, so did it's trials.
Scripture also says that God made the world fallible like man, so that both will be made new, restored together.
So in this I was able to see the why of sufferings, trials, but still questioned why such had become my life.
Why was there no healing for me?
Now, I have had a few healings, that can only be explained as a mirical, but the bulk of my sufferings remained.
I struggled alot, asking Jesus? Why, many times longing for reliece from the pain that held me captive through the day and even in my sleep?
Then these scriptures were set before me.

First, several scripures that taught me that in Jesus, we no longer live in flesh, but are now alive in Jesus's spirit.
Very spacificly, we are now spirit, born of Jesus, the body is simply the temple that holds us.

Second, where Jesus said," in the world you have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world!"

Third, where Jesus said I do nothing on my own, all comes from the Father above and is by His will.

Jesus then showed me that I had in faith, to accept and trust all to God Our Father above.
Accepting even the things I did not want in humility, and trusting Him to provide by His will and perfect love.
Always with praise and thanksgiving!

Then Jesus showed me that by His victory, this same victory was already done in us through His spirit.
Jesus then showed me this victory, and the power of living in the Holy Spirit, not flesh.

Because of His glory, help and love, even though the pain remains, it no longer has any hold on me, Jesus showed me the freedom He won over any afliction.
Now I still have some days where I sruggle, but they are rare and eacch day more easly overcome, not by my streangth or power, but in Jesus, all that is given through the power of the Holy Spirit.
I may not be able to walk much, but I now soar on eagles wings, no longer hindered by the flesh.

I can now give praise for my pain and many ills, simply because each , given in Jesus to God Our Father, has freed me more from the flesh that tries to bind us all.
You see, our time here is all about overcoming, wether it is sin, flesh, desires, want ect...
From Jesus, and in Him, we are called to know His victory won on the cross.
Free now, born into His Spirit.

Trust all in Jesus to God Our father with praise and thanksgiving, and keep your eyes on Jesus, for His Spirit is already alive in you, and His victory is already within you.
Jesus will show you the way, the truth and the life.

Jesus showed me the way, and I am so greatful, for the freedom, peace and perfect that is so close, almost face to face.
Jesus wants to show you this same victory, I will let you know this journey begins with praise and faith.
Even when everything you see and know says otherwise, simply because faith is all about what is unseen.

Ill be praying for you daily, to not just know this freedom and victory, but the joy and peace in Jesus that it brings.
Sometimes we have to be willing to let Jesus pull our hands from covering our eyes, so we will stop hiding and see the glory before us that is God's gift of Love.

God bless
pickles