so broken too

Sometimes it's just tempting to 'attach' my request to a previous, afraid to start a new thread. I am not brave, but seem to have some of the same concerns as HBAH. I try to put things into words, but theyre not good enough. How does one redeem time? Unlike her who's young, however, i feel i'm reaping what i have sowed. Didnt i sow anything good? But like another young poster who's afraid about so much happening now, i'm right there scared as a teen!

More than frustrated. But it’s frightening, as its so so wrong and now I believe that has blinded me too for a long long time. It was so late when I ‘saw’ it and have done such damage. I say I repent, and call and cry out to God day after day. But I don’t see myself changed, and that’s whats frightening! I was a faithful church goer, even tithing. Then I was shown it was not what God wanted: but to let justice flow like a river. At home, where I haven’t built any relationship after all. I haven’t friends outside, and thought I was just quiet and behaved, but now I see being shy was actually being exceedingly selfish and I only appeared peaceful bcoz I didn’t talk a lot. But there was too much arrogance, folly, grudge, discontent, ungratefulness inside?? I was there all along, but was negligent, running away doing the extra mile—and I didn’t know! Hubby said I had no passion in doing for the kids, giving serving.. Its like catch 22, do u say? Anyway I turn, anything I say, wrong, my sins catching up.

Didn’t I read His word, I thought prayerfully too? Had prayer notes, and wrote and ‘shared’ w/ others. But now am shown my heart was not right all along, that I wasn’t honest or transparent w/ God, others nor myself. But extremely so. How could I even be writing this—feel like ive done the unforgivable! I want to weep, but can only inside. I ask for faith, and to teach me to pray, and love—but I feel so numb and hurt, when I myself caused the hurt! I sing and repeat Renew my heart, and I surrender all, but am not surrendered. As I read, I am more condemned while it’s said there’s now no condemnation for those in Christ.
I dont want to be arrogant, but think i disturb others asking for prayer. I'm sorry. I didnt really learn to give freely, tho i did receive freely. Why am i so unteachable, i would sometimes just want to bang my head and plead to our Maker so ashamed:why did i have to be given life when i could not be a good steward..why didn't He not just take it away?

Lord Jesus, pour your blessings, Amen

Awe sister! -*-*-<3 hugs
We have all done this same thing. Adam sinned and hid. We people tend to hide and lie to ourselves until God pushes us into the clear area and exposes all that is ugly within us. If that means anything to you, this happened also to me. He is still working with the remnants of ugliness and pride in my life. It is an ongoing journey.
Hope you know that repentance is a GIFT. You wouldnt be feeling that way if GOD was not telling these things to you. Conviction comes from the very Holy Spirit... He is sitting patiently on this with you right now and working on it because He wants you back into His loving arms and to get you rid of this burden...
Psalms 34:18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
Psalms 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
These kept me going when I thought it was the worst and gave me hope. Remember and be comforted.
Praying God's full restoration over you in Jesus' name. He has the power to make us whole. amen.

Sister SoulWeaver said it perfectly! I agree in prayer with the prayers here for you Sister Mar09. The Lord Jesus Christ continue to bless and renew you in His love.

Hebrews 12:5 And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: 6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. 7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? 8 But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.
<3 be encouraged in Jesus

Dear Sister Mar09 - you've just described the normal human that encounters Christ. We over compensate with either pride or beating the stuffings out of ourselves, with the enemy's help and other people will sometimes help to kick you around as well.
It's just how we as humans compensate when we're looking to ourselves to be "approved" rather than just being satisfied with His Love alone and approval alone and get our eyes OFF of ourselves completely - depending on Him alone.

Death to self is something that none of us will attain to 100% and the dying part is painful - but you can be assured that if you desire Him even in the slightest - that you are just on the training ground with the rest of us, humans.

I don't think any of us should feel "satisfied with ourselves" but also, none of us should be giving up on what He is doing with each of us imperfect humans. We'll never be content if we're looking within ourselves or to ourselves as far as 'feelings' go. How many people really can look inside themselves and be totally content with what they have done or are doing? Feelings are deceptive. We're not to even judge ourselves - as the Apostle Paul said. Only His Word will cleanse us. Put all of your faith in His Word and allow it to do the cleansing and not you or anyone else beating you anymore.

We all need to get our eyes off of ourselves and onto The Word of God if we want to be 'overcomers' ... not fearful of what others think of us or get into the depression of what we think about ourselves.

Best to just tell yourself to "do the right thing" and let The Lord and His Word tell you what that 'thing' is and He will. And it won't be to concentrate on yourself and your faults that you've already confessed to Him - but it'll be Him leading you on who to help and when ... walking as He walked ... eyes off of self -- mind on His Word alone & restoring others and blessing them - not taking any glory for it.


Welcome to the human club. Praying with you as well and for your children & family. They're in His Hands as well.
Bless you.

You said," i feel i'm reaping what i have sowed. Didnt i sow anything good? "

The good news is that in Christ, you are not reaping what you sowed. You are reaping what He sowed!
His goodness is now yours.
And God put on Him all the judgments you put on yourself. He took it all.

God put you in Christ so that He could see you as pure.

Any mistakes we made in the past, we have learned from. Indeed, all things work for God in Christ. Nothing will be wasted. He redeems everything.

Without your past sins, you would never know His mercy - His forgiveness - His unconditional love. They played a part in bringing you these things.

Now begin to delight in His immense, great, awesome, personal love for you.

Thank you for finding time, if I cannot reply to all. I struggled whether to post or not before I left yesterday, and still thinking why I have to post that. Not usually one of many words, nor very public to write embarrassing things. When we were married just some 5 years and I’d suggest we ask an older people or a counselor about some things that bothered me, hubby would jokingly say, Oh, we could be giving advice to others (the way things were going great). I simply nodded then, wondering was it so, and now still wonder what if I managed to express even the littlest doubt then.. now everything just needs to be in a ‘rush,’ although I knew from the start hubby has always been very frank and transparent, and would discuss anything even when ur tired or early, early in the morning, as there might not be chance to tackle things again. Recently, memory’s not been good too with age, u’d say, but sorry if I miss to acknowledge some for time constraints.

Thanks SW. You say repentance is a gift. Faith is, too, right? I knew, I thought, I had faith long ago. Recently however, ive been like a plane lingering on ground, unable to take off. So many times I tried. I read testimonies when I can, wc should be a help to others, knowing people are going thru some same, or similar things. I didn’t expect ur warmth, or the others here, although ive read how supportive and encouraging many are actually.

There was that comment of 1 to hbah, sorry am unable to check who now, who said she may have prayed enough and now needs to do something. That speaks to me, but I honestly don’t know even as I ask. Its as if every effort goes nowhere, wasted. We grew up in a quiet ‘home,’ and ours was also perhaps too quiet t the start? Were we too strict at the start… but then when we started to loosen up as we thought better than being too lax to start w/ then going too strict later, I don’t see things working either. So much strife now, I cant understand. I have to log off, but thanks again to levi, ellie, the rest. Hope I could come again soon.

Thanks.. is that you in the avatar?

i am not coping at all, and more overcome. i dont want to rely on feelings, but see how previous shortcomings and sins can really really weigh us down, and idk how to rise again. i could almost use the thread title of another 'i hate my life' for this life being too full of useless projects, and not knowing how to love. to others this may seem just words or some lines, but i really do not know how to express, show, say act this love we're supposed to be practicing all along. You feel a son's anger, but know not how to speak, deal w/ it when ur just told to shut up when your asking abt some things, are not appreciated at all. but going on for so long, i should have seen things coming. Sorry, i'm not so comprehensible is it, when i have to be rushing, but i just know God gives, and takes away... and He has been taking away talents i havent been a good steward of. Even the writing i thought i used to bless others, but just for selfish reasons after all.

God also restores and even increases gifts when we turn to Him. I personally testify to this, be encouraged... I've lost my voice almost... God returned it to me and when I started making music for Him He increased my talents in singing and composing. Please read this dear Sis... it is so abundant in grace.

Isaiah 43:11 I, even I, am the LORD; and beside me there is no saviour.
Isaiah 43:12 I have declared, and have saved, and I have shewed, when there was no strange god among you: therefore ye are my witnesses, saith the LORD, that I am God.
Isaiah 43:13 Yea, before the day was I am he; and there is none that can deliver out of my hand: I will work, and who shall let it?
Isaiah 43:14 Thus saith the LORD, your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; For your sake I have sent to Babylon, and have brought down all their nobles, and the Chaldeans, whose cry is in the ships.
Isaiah 43:15 I am the LORD, your Holy One, the creator of Israel, your King.
Isaiah 43:16 Thus saith the LORD, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty waters;
Isaiah 43:17 Which bringeth forth the chariot and horse, the army and the power; they shall lie down together, they shall not rise: they are extinct, they are quenched as tow.
Isaiah 43:18 Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.
Isaiah 43:19 Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:20 The beast of the field shall honour me, the dragons and the owls: because I give waters in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people, my chosen.
Isaiah 43:21 This people have I formed for myself; they shall shew forth my praise...
Isaiah 43:24 ...but thou hast made me to serve with thy sins, thou hast wearied me with thine iniquities.
Isaiah 43:25 I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.
Isaiah 43:26 Put me in remembrance: let us plead together: declare thou, that thou mayest be justified.

Accept God's forgiveness that you may be restored and continue following Him. Instead of losing one more day condemning yourself, get back on track Today with God, He wants you with Him and also you need Him to be able to handle the world <3

Much good advise already, just wanted you to know you are in my prayers in Jesus.
Remember the parable about the manager who hired some at the beginning of the day, some in the middle of the day, and some at the end of the day?
The manager paid them all the same pay.
Jesus told us this parable, so we would know, that its not about when, but simply that we do labor.
Also so we may know, that God's love and salvation is, beyond mesure, the same for all.

God bless
pickles

Just - "Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established."

A proverb 16:3 ... it kept me from becoming permanently paralyzed from kicking myself too much.

He just told me to "Keep moving" ... it was funny at the time and it worked. I wanted to just sit down or sleep or throw in the towel ... but just not thinking is what He was asking me to do and just do the things that I knew needed to get done ... like everyday stuff that we all have to do. Didn't think - just did 'em and surprisingly enough - He gradually took care of my thoughts.

Never Give Up -- a friend once told me - and she was right too.


HIS LOVE TO YOU!

GOOD Song, Burdenbarer and I pray with you and the others that our dear Sister will feel these posts and words in all of them, deep within her spirit and KNOW that she Is Loved!

He knows our hearts - we don't, and even the faintest cry out to Him is heard.
Thank You Jesus for being our 'Good' Shepherd - leaving the 99 to come after just one of us, every time!
Your Love is Amazing, Lord!