I am hopeless.Sin and Satan won.

DISCLAIMER:LONG STORY
Pray for me.You are my only hope.

So.I am the worst person on earth.I have turned my back to God a zillion times.Still,His "forgiveness" always makes me turn back.But now,I feel betrayed.
So,one day I got angry at God.I started shouting at him,cursing in front of His face,saying to Him how pain He has brought to my life and how I hate the fact that He is letting me live.I mean,I am a sinner and miserable,SMITE me already.So,I suddenly realized that I needed Him the most.I started doing some work now.For serious.I prayed,I was battling with my laziness(Call me nuts)because I could not read the Bible so often so I just read 5 chapters each day.Baby steps,you know.So,one day,I wanted to tell God how I loved him.I called him "Dad"(Yes I know,disrespectful-But I did not mean it to be disrespectful)and for 3 days in a row I was asking him to manifest His love for me.Make me feel His love.Nothing.He just left me there.Crying out of hopelessness.I cried for mercy.Nothing.
You see,I am hopeless because I battle with my mind.I have immoral thoughts.Ultra blasphemous thoughts about God,even sexual ones(I have a particular one about Jesus-Can you fking believe it?)I am disgusting.I am a POS.So,I told to my-self,"God abandoned you,He does not give a sh!t about you.He turned his back to you because you are pathetic".I cried for mercy.I cried to Him to love me.To take me a hug or something.I felt betrayed.I started telling Him how cruel He is and what a monster He is.I started blaspheming like crazy and then,I turned to my addiction.The addiction which was the beginning of the sexual blasphemous thoughts that have ruined me-Pornography.Why?Because sin is a refuge for me.Sin likes me.Sin does not think that I am piece of sh!t and does not play with my feelings.Sin makes me feel something that is above "worthless and sh!t".But I feel a warm presence in my room.Which makes me calm.Dunno what it is.But this presence feels good.It actually feels like God.But I am ALMOST done.God is a cruel,mazochistic monster who likes to play with my feelings.[I cried everyday for every sin I have made-From blasphemy to worshiping myself(buddhism)to occult to Pornography.)Even thought I am free of these satanic religions,these thoughts of mine make me feel CONDEMNED and abandoned in my trial.These thoughts are telling me,"God abandoned you."There is a little voice in my head.I do not know if It is me,God or this bastard Satan.This voice condemns me and never encourages me to do sh!t.It reminds me of everyone in my life.I try to be the best I can and everyone treats me like sh!t.So,I feel this presence as I said above.This presence is calling me back to God.I feel it.But I cannot.The way I imagine God is a loving(only for his people)Judge who likes to play with people's feeling.A cruel God.
Last night,I felt a hole in my soul.I felt something devouring it.Satan won.He devoured me.Sin is dragging me to hell and I hate every minute.I actually forgave my enemy(Satan)although I kinda hate him,He has something that I will never have.Determination.Although he is determined to devour me(and he did)I wish I was more determined to follow God.But God is cruel and sin is not.Sin feels warm and nice.God is cruel and away from me.
Now why am I talking to you?Because "Christians" have a relationship with God.Although I do not like Christians because all of the christians I have met are frauds.All of them were making fun at me with their attitude.That prideful attitude that they are better than me because they know God better than I do.They make me feel like trash.But I still have a spark of hope that a genuine "Christian" will appear,pray for me and persuade God to reveal a glimpse of his love.
I am hopeless.I am alone.Sin is dragging me to hell and I cannot seem to have enough of it because I am such an idiot that I actually like it and Satan devoured me.



Help.

It is not disrespectful to call your heavenly father 'Dad'. I am praying for you, especially that you will be able to find an adult that you trust that will listen to you and offer wise counsel. You are not hopeless nor are you an idiot but you do seem confused and are hurting. Please, seek help today as your situation is urgent. This is my prayer for you.

James 4:7-8

It is not that easy crmvet.I tried to many times.I cannot.I just cannot.God is not with me.Do you know how many times I rebuked EVERYTHING(My thoughts etc),how many times I cried for mercy to God and He just ignored me?I wish It was that easy.Nobody encourages me to do anything.I do not have a motive.(I am sorry for being rude.I am just sad)

Boy, that sounds rough, Angelo.

@Willie-T : And do you know what the roughest of all?I am alone.

Lord be the king of Angelo123's heart. and bless with your , love, joy and peace. In Jesus righteous name, Amen!

You don't want to be, do you?

Are you joking with me?..Anyway thanks...

Ephesians 6:10-18

No, I wasn't joking. I just want you to tell us that you do, and how much you are willing to accept to make things change. Please notice that I did not say, "How much you are willing to do."

Well,I am willing to change.But I want some encouragement .I just cannot make a difference alone.Humans are social beings and I cannot be alone because I am a human.I am definitely willing to change.

This is just one of 11 "non-sensical" beliefs (on a handout of 11), that I used to give to my clients in the Behavioral Modification class I facilitated. You might enjoy it. I can PM you the rest if you would like.

NONSENSE #8

I MUST HAVE OTHER PEOPLE UPON WHOM I CAN ALWAYS DEPEND, AND I MUST HAVE SOMEONE STRONGER THAN ME ON WHOM I CAN RELY.

I can’t live life if I’m stuck counting on me.

THE BIBLE

“For I have learned to find resources in myself whatever my circumstances.” (Phil. 4:11)

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” (1st Cor. 13:11)

“Happy is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God.” (Psalms 146:5)

GOOD SENSE

It is desirable to have people to rely on when I need help, and there’s nothing wrong with seeking help to carry life’s burdens. Unfortunately, there is often no person around to help me except me. Tough, but true! Refusing to try and live self-reliantly is refusing to try and fulfill my God-given potential to do exactly that: live self-reliantly. Besides, when I believe in a personal God, I am never totally alone.

Angelo, I would try to read the Gospels and Psalms to help kill these negative thoughts and find comfort in God's promises. He doesnt fail His promises remember.
Remember also how Jesus said that He left 99 sheep to fetch that one that got lost and He rejoiced to that one more than all the others...
You are that sheep.

Praying for your peace of mind. Try to just draw to Jesus in your mind and lay down and hold the end of His robe and just law down at His feet and worship Him, stop listening to the devil telling you there's no hope, and we know the devil is a liar, he always pulls you away from God, God always calls you back... just come to Him... hope it helps peace of God to you.

Again, I feel the need to reiterate it... hold onto God's promises - we cant rely on ourselves... the devil will always find some reason to condemn us. The only thing we can rely on and that the devil cant argue is God's promises because God cant lie... hold on firmly to them!

Titus 1:2 In hope of eternal life, which God, that cannot lie, promised before the world began;
Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform (meaning complete it, finish it) it until the day of Jesus Christ:
John 6:37 All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Angelo,

Praying for you!! The Lord is there for you & so ready to love you though the battle that you are facing. Psalms 139 is one of my all time favorite scriptures. It has brought me through a lot of battles with the enemy. In my early days as a new Christian, I had a lot of fears about my future etc...all I can say is Jesus is Faithful & Trust Worthy!!!!!!

One thing that's really important to understand is that God is not in charge here. He yielded His will in order to put us, thru Adam, in charge. Trouble is, Adam gave that authority away to satan. That is who is in charge now, that's why he's called the ruler of this world. We are in this world but not of it. We are like the American occupiers of Iraq. We are trying to enforce a way of life and prosperity in a land that just doesn't want it. And they will fight us tooth and nail to defeat us

satan, the world's boss, doesn't want you to be close to God. He wants to wear you down and create doubt. Congratulations, you've seen first hand how he does this. And the closer you are to God the harder he'll attack. When I'm being attacked, I read these scriptures:

James 4:4
Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.

1 John 2:15
Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

John 15:19
If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

John 12:25
Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

and I figure I must be doing something right.

How do you fight this? Prayer, and READING THE BIBLE are the start. Reading the Bible is not just looking at words on a page, it's like a seven course organic meal for your soul. You may think it only involves your eyes and brain but truly they are the minor players here. Your soul is where satan attacks. So you need to feed and armor it.

But even with that you'll be attacked. You're still in Iraq there soldier until you're called home. God says the key is perseverance. Sometimes that just comes down to dogging it out to the end. We know that even if the battle wanes we still win in the end. So dig in and don't retreat. It may seem like forever, but when you do see forever you'll know it wasn't.

satan wants to take your faith. he thinks he can wear you down. Perseverance says he's going to loose that bet.

No matter how low you feel, God can always dig a little deeper than that.

No Motive? sounds like me, been trying to do something I haven't done in a long time.......something really simple and easy......look in a mirror, or a puddle, you may have to look hard, maybe not as hard as me, but hopefully you will see something.......something I've been trying to find for awhile....I know it has to be there or God wouldn't of given me a reflection, I'd be...you guessed it, a vampire...uh!