I am FINALLY getting this off my chest

So, where do I begin?
I am a 19 year old female college student and basically I really need someone to talk too. I have a major problem...

I believe I am a sex addict.

It all started when I was around 10 yrs old. My older male cousins would touch me in private areas and I didn't stop them. In fact I went along with it. We never had intercourse, just alot of touching. I didn't know it was wrong (had no idea what incest was) at the time but even at 10 yrs old, I liked it. Eventually thay got older and stopped brothering me (and my sister) and went after girls their own age (outside the family). Then, around the age of 13, I discovered the world of pornography. I would sneak on to sites and watch videos of people having sex, read sex stories, and look at pictures. Soon after, I started going into chat rooms and found out about cyber sex (and participated in it). And long story short, I still have this problem 6 years later. I was saved when I was nine, which is pretty young, but I knew what being a Christian was; I just wasn't doing it. Once I hit 14, i started feeling guilty about what I was doing and I started praying about it. I remember telling God I would stop looking at this stuff and I stopped looking at it for a few months. Then one day I would be all alone at home, bored, at the computer, and I gave into temptation over and over again. Or, I would be watching a movie or television show and a sex scene would come on, and I didn't turn it off. 6 years have gone by, and I still struggle with this. In highschool, I even would stay up late on the weekends when everyone went to bed and watch all the late night tv shows/movies rated R for obvious reasons. Now it's harder, especially being at college and being my own boss and having my own privacy (w/ access to ANYTHING on my own computer).

Then, the story gets worse. Around 15, I started to become interested in girls (still interested in guys too). Not because I am a lesbian but I guess because I was curious about homosexuality and how it was portrayed through the media. What makes it SO BAD is that I KNOW its wrong, and disgusting, and against God's word, but I can't keep these thoughts out of my head and I think I going to go crazy if I don't make this right! Everyday I find myself thinking about something sexual, or when I hear certain words I automatically think of some kind of sexual connotation. On the up side, I am still a virgin after all these years and I have never been in an intimate relationship of any kind. But at the same time I feel like everything I have "seen" automatically excludes me from the virgin category.

I Love God. I REALLY do! And i believe he died on the cross for my sins, and rose on the third day and saved a wretch like me. I just don't know what to do. I know I am living in sin everyday I give into these urges but I feel like a can't control it or that i need it to be happy. After all these years I'm starting to realize that this problem is too big for me to handle alone but I can't find the courage to actually admit this to someone and get help. Nobody knows this about me. People see me as a shy, kind, smart, christian young woman who would never intentionally do anything bad. All my teachers from grade school to high school bragged about me to my parents and always saw me as this perfect student. It kills me inside to know that nobody knows this secret about me, but at the same time I don't want them to know that this goody-too-shoo, suburban straight A student, and proclaimer of Jesus Christ is doing something this vile.

Can someone help me, please?

hi hun, i dont really have any life experience in this area, however this followig web site will really really help you i think. I came across it when i was trying to break an addiction to smoking and it worked!!!!While i was on the site i saw there was help for people that have sex addiction problems. the website is www.settingcaptivesfree.com. You enrole in i think a 60 day course for free. I really prayer this helps you,Please give it atry..... your story made me really want to prayer for you and i know that God is SO amazing and can set you free from this bondage you have. My prayers are with you . Take care God bless

Forgot to say i think your so brave talking about this, it must have been quite hard for you. So well done cos thats the first step to getting help ;-)

Thank You "mclare". I am definitely going to try the course they have in sexual purity.

Thats the exact course i just went on to have a look at the name. Its all scripture based but you get a person who reads your posts each day and communicates with you via e-mail to help and supprt you with prayer. Start it as soon as and i promise you things will start to seem so much clearer and cleaner in you mind. God loves you so much honey. Your gonna be broken free from this i just know it. You'll be able to help other people in this area too cos im sure its more common than you think. God bless :->

That saying is so true "trash in trash out" I think sometimes the trash we put in can sometimes be because of habit, habit can be broken and replaced with good things and a good start place to start is Gods Word put enough of that in and replace the bad with the Word of God and only good can come out. How blessed are we that we have God to sort our trash out!!!!!

I'm having my own problems with God, because he seriously doesn't communicate with me. But for some odd reason, I still love him. But hate 95% of people...but moving along.

As Christians, we make mistakes. You know what you did was wrong, but temptations are still creeping in. I'm sorry to tell you this, but temptations are going to be in and out of your life. But God loves you and He's not judging you. He doesn't like YOUR ACTIONS, but he loves you My senior year in high school, I wasn't interested in porn, but I was interested in sex. I was watching videos that I wasn't supposed to. It was close to porn, but it wasn't. But I really wanted to get into porn, though. I kept hearing God at the back of my mind, "Stop. Stop. Stop." And I just wouldn't listen to him, it's our choices that drive us to do things, not God. I chose to ignore Him. Until in May of 2008, I made a decision. I devoted my life to God. With that, I stopped going on youtube, I stopped watching TV with sex in it, I quit everything. And God took the desire that I had for "sex" out of me. And yes, I am a virgin. But remember, God told us in the Bible that when we lust after someone, that's the same thing as having sex.

So it's time for us to resist those temptations. Satan and THIS WORLD has no place for us. We need to stand up and depend on Jesus to help us through this world.

Take care.

I think finding some sort of accountability would be a good idea. Especially if you struggle with being online or watching tv. You might google "K9 site blocker" and install it, and have someone else control the password. It's totally free and awesome. You also may consider totally getting rid of your tv or getting rid of cable. Just a few thoughts.

I totally agree with Baptistrw.. If you cut it out of your life the best you can the less you will struggle with it and it will probably even help you get control over it to finally come to terms with it..

I used to be very jealous of a girl who used to date my husband and had her on one of my social networking sites.. She and I would get into little catty fights because she would call him in the middle of the night and try to get him to break up with me while we were still dating. I know it is wrong, but I would look at her pictures and say mean things about her because I thought it made myself feel better. I completely deleted her because I knew what I was doing was wrong. (This was all before I rewnewed my relationship with God) BUT, now through growing spiritually and prayer, I decided it would be a lot easier and beneficial to love her and try to be her friend instead of stooping down as low as I could go to make myself feel better. Because honestly, it didn't make me feel better and it wasn't doing good for anyone.

I know it had to have been very hard for you to even talk about without feeling like you would be judged, but God loves us all and the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem and you have.. I'd say to try that website the others have put on here and cut it all out of your life.. Keep praying and you have prayers from us on here.. Good luck honey!

I will Keep you lifted up in prayer, maybe you should seek some Christian Counsling. Just trust in God to lead your foot path. Have a blessed and wonderful day.

I had similar problems years ago and I couldn't fix them if I tried, but man God sure did. I was just so lost, and the worst part is that i knew it, I just couldn't fight it.
Now I look back and I hate how I was ( nobody would expect it out of me either) but God has just done so much in my life its incredible, and he's gotten me through so much I couldn't have without him. Of course I'm nowhere near perfect and I still struggle with temptations, but we'll always have temptations, it's what we do with them that matters.
Just don't ever give up cause God can do anything! I've seen it happen! We just have to be willing to do whatever it is that he calls us to do, which is so hard sometimes! But keep trusting in Him and he'll get you through

and i also commend you for being so open.. thats so hard for me to do with some things!
and I will also keep praying for you too

Thank You Everyone for your advice. I feel alot better just being able to write about this and tell people that I'm not as innocent as I seem. And you are right, I have to be accountable for my problem and just remain steadfast in trying to beat this addiction and NOT GIVE IN. The reason I actually posted this in the 1st place is because the thoughts were just consuming me and eating away at mind. Sometimes I just sit in bed at night and think, "How in the world did I get this messed up!!!!!!" At one point I would have sex on my mind, then the next I would just hate muself so much for even thinking about. I figured actually telling someone would give me the first step I needed to FINALLY stop this thing altogether. And I believe once I can get my own problem under control, God will use me to help other people in this same situation and will allow me to grow into a more mature Christian.

PS: Thank you for not judging me . It took ALOT of courage to actually post this where like hundreds of people can see it. It REALLY helps to know that I have people praying for me. And I know that no matter how far we stray away from God, we can always come back to him.

Praying for you!

Also remember, God loves you. He may not love your actions and whatnot, but that doesn't change his love for YOU. That will never change.

Also be cautious. Satan has so many traps set out in this world to drive you away from God. So be prepared to put on the full armor or God (Ephesians 6)! God will be with you and He'll be fighting the battle for you!

Stay strong. I know it's hard!

Thank You so much guys for your Godly advice. I'm am definitely starting to make progress with 60 day online course about becoming clean from sexual impurity (recommended by mclare). I'm only on day five, but I WILL complete it and I pray everyday that I will not fall into temptaion. The one thing that I learned from the course is that the reason I have not been successful in getting free from this addiction in the last 6 years is because I was doing it for selfish reasons and not because it would please God. And even though it has only been day 5, I feel freer all already. And just in general I feel better about myself and my relationship with God. I'm not saying I'm cured already (cause I'm definitely not) but I just realize how much I don't need that stuff. I still have some intense lust problems and some dirty thinking, but God is showing me ways that I can deal with it, like singing a a hymn, praying, and reciting scripture. Plus I'm am making sure to avoid any media that will bring up sexual thoughts: movies, tv shows, music, etc. I have a long way to go, but I believe God will deliver from my sin. I also eventually hope to get some godly couseling, which will def. help along with the course. I'm so happy I posted my story, otherwise I still would be deep in my sin.

PS: Thanks for your prays

I am so happy that you are on the right track. It is going to be a LONG journey, and Satan is going to put a LOT of doubts in your mind and he'll give you temptations. "Just give into this, I mean, that's what you want to do. Just do this once, it's not like you're going to do it again." He's going to try to destroy you in the process. But remember, God is bigger than that loser Satan. God can help you overcome this addiction. Don't give into the doubts that Satan gives you. God and you are STRONGER than that!!! Again, I am SO proud that you are heading in the right direction!