Thank you all for the comments and advice and ensure you I am doing all I can do to try and find healing. I am trying my best to figure out how God wants to use my weakness to shame the strong.
1 Corinthians 1:27New International Version (NIV)
27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
My weakness has humbled me in many ways and I have pleaded with God many times to help me understand this.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10New International Version (NIV)
7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
My life feels like a train with no brakes running out of track. If I wait until the tracks run out then the wreck will be worse. But I am to the point I got to figure out the best and safest place to jump off. Probably still getting hurt but preventing the worst case scenario.
I say this hypothetically speaking based on my back and job can only mix for so long before I find myself hurt again without leave this time. So I am doing my best to find the safest place to jump off but this is becoming hard for me to find the job that can pick right back up and start supporting my wife and kids again. The problem is I am only qualified for the job I have so finding a good paying job with no other degree is almost impossible. But as I stated above the train is running out of track and If it does. If I run out of time all I want to be able to do, is say to myself I did my best and now where do we go from here God. After all the only way to go from rock bottom is up or give up. And I am far from giving up. Too much to fight for with even more to lose.
Mark 4:35-41Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Wind and Wave Obey the Master
35 On that day, when evening had come, He told them, “Let’s cross over to the other side of the sea.” 36 So they left the crowd and took Him along since He was already in the boat. And other boats were with Him.37 A fierce windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking over the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. 38 But He was in the stern, sleeping on the cushion. So they woke Him up and said to Him, “Teacher! Don’t You care that we’re going to die?”
39 He got up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Silence! Be still!”The wind ceased, and there was a great calm. 40 Then He said to them, “Why are you fearful? Do you still have no faith?”
41 And they were terrified and asked one another, “Who then is this? Even the wind and the sea obey Him!”
Sadly I feel like the wind out of control and Jesus commanding me to be silent and still. But I also relate to the disciples and crying out to God wondering does he care and I hear Jesus's words stronger than ever. "Why are you fearful? Do you still have no faith?"
And I am forced to answer that question in my heart.
Why do I fear?
Do I have faith in God or not?
The answer is I fear because I am human and weak but yes my faith belongs to the Lord. I have no doubt all this will work out. But I just don't know how bad it will get. And as long as I am still breathing I can make a difference in the lives around me. So I pray the difference I make is a positive one and not a negative one.
