My heart aches

I understand that he might be tired but he still needs to spend time with the kids. He has to realize that they will not be young forever and the time that is lost with them will not be recovered. I have said a prayer about your situation.

My children's father doesn't work Sundays but claims he does , so he doesn't come home on fridays and Saturdays and kids (twin sons) keep asking for him every weekend so today they are still waiting for him to come home, they want him to play basketball or soccer with them, he of course won't answer their texts and when he gets home he'll ignore them, or refuse to play with them aND say he either has to rest because he just got home ( as if it's their fault he's tired) or he'll go wash his clothes or catch up on movies he hasn't watched and in between all that he'll text. It breaks my heart to see them yearn for his attention and he doesn't care. He'll tell them not to act like little girls amd to play with eachother that that's why they have brothers. People at his work area think he's such a great father and person, I wish they knew the real him

Tonight hubby and I got to talking about what family life was like when we were kids. Now, we've been married for a long time, so I didn't think I was telling him anything new, but he asked questions. And by the time I finished answering them, I summed it up like this, "I thought I was growing up in a normal family. I guess I really didn't notice back then how bad it was. I was fortunate for that."

You've asked for prayers a couple of times recently. This one is about how your husband is affecting your kids and the other one was about how some women were affecting your husband. I'm fairly certain what's happening with the kids is nothing new, so they too are thinking this is a normal family.

Which makes me concerned about you. How about you? You keep laying this on everyone else -- both for fault and problems. (As in your kids aren't at fault but they have this huge problem. Your husband and those women most certainly are at fault.) Is that what's really heart breaking? Or is YOUR heart aching for YOU? Because if you aren't willing to admit your pain, how will you ever notice when God gives you something of an answer on how to deal with it?

Hurt! Be willing to hurt, because what you're going through is very hurtful to you especially. And then cry out to God.

Jonah was squished in the belly of a fish for three days before he cried out to the Lord that he was willing. The temperature inside a fish's belly is about 104 degrees. Humidity is 100%. The digestive fluids in the fish's belly probably bleached Jonah's skin. All that before he cried out to the Lord, so I suspect he fully cried out to the Lord.

And then God acted! Be honest with God. More importantly, be honest with yourself.

Tonight hubby and I got to talking about what family life was like when we were kids. Now, we've been married for a long time, so I didn't think I was telling him anything new, but he asked questions. And by the time I finished answering them, I summed it up like this, "I thought I was growing up in a normal family. I guess I really didn't notice back then how bad it was. I was fortunate for that."

You've asked for prayers a couple of times recently. This one is about how your husband is affecting your kids and the other one was about how some women were affecting your husband. I'm fairly certain what's happening with the kids is nothing new, so they too are thinking this is a normal family.

Which makes me concerned about you. How about you? You keep laying this on everyone else -- both for fault and problems. (As in your kids aren't at fault but they have this huge problem. Your husband and those women most certainly are at fault.) Is that what's really heart breaking? Or is YOUR heart aching for YOU? Because if you aren't willing to admit your pain, how will you ever notice when God gives you something of an answer on how to deal with it?

Hurt! Be willing to hurt, because what you're going through is very hurtful to you especially. And then cry out to God.

Jonah was squished in the belly of a fish for three days before he cried out to the Lord that he was willing. The temperature inside a fish's belly is about 104 degrees. Humidity is 100%. The digestive fluids in the fish's belly probably bleached Jonah's skin. All that before he cried out to the Lord, so I suspect he fully cried out to the Lord.

And then God acted! Be honest with God. More importantly, be honest with yourself.

Yes the kids are use to his behavictory but they do know it's not normal because they see how their cousins are with their dad's amd how their friends are with theirs too, always involved or doing stuff with them. And yes of course I hurt for myself deeply but I don't mention it because I know I am doing it to myself by staYing in this situation. Maybe I should just accept our marriage is over because I've tried and it doesn't seem like he's changing, how could he , he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong so me stating in this situation will just mean I will always be miserable. I don't want to hurtake our kids but I just don't know what to do

I thank the Lord for this thread and how it has just ministered to me as a father. Not to be too nosy but what is the atmosphere like at home? How old are your boys? Are you two fighting a lot? Do you nag him to play with the boys? I'm a dude and I have to say when I'm not getting along with my wife, before I even get in the door, I've already adversarial. At the end of the day I regret how I treated everybody when I think back to how I was such a jerk. In the moment everything seems like a chore, even playing with my kids. Instead of him coming home to everybody wanting something from him, clear the house out. Take the boys somewhere fun. Leave a note thanking him for all of the work he does and have a small gift to show him that you care. Tell him to relax and you will be home in a couple of hours. Have the boys draw him a picture or fill out a thank you card. Let him get his guard down and after a couple of hours bring the boys home laughing later than anticipated. Let him realize that he missed out on something. Tell the boys not to ask him for anything just quick answers and give him his space. Even if he asks them if they want to do something, they need to say no it's ok, I'm sure you're tired. After a couple nights with them ignoring him, if he has a heart at all he will be wanting to play with them. Sometimes we need to realize time is short not just hear it.

Playing the song "Cats in the Cradle" might be a little over the top at the end of day two or three, but every once in while might not hurt.

Sounds narcissistic. If that's the case then he will need exterior influences to make him feel valuable. Unfortunately in these situations you and the kids would be considered like property. Does he get angry when challenged like he has to win every arguement, no matter how small? It's sad especially because you have boys. If this is the case then you should find them a mentor of some sort. I grew up without a dad. When he was in my life he was controlling and manipulative. He disowned me
about five times because I refused to participate in his games. I never would have gotten his "blessing". To illustrate the point he ripped up the invitation my sister sent him to her wedding...and she didn't do anything but love him. Anyways a coach I had in football saw my situation and became a friend. Eventually I worked for him doing odd jobs, and fixing things. He was a male role model who was able to validate my initiation into manhood. He also was the best man at my wedding. Hard to say what might have happened if I never met him. I can see my boys constantly seeking validation to be "good, strong and smart enough".

Ive had many experiences with narcissists. From my assessment it seems to originate from having one parent with nothing but praise and other nothing but criticism. Their insecurities from the critical parent are protected by a wall of self confidence. They build the wall with beauty and success, seeking validation of this (like attracting younger females). They may want to look like a good parent and husband to others but it's all part of the fisade. If their family embarrasses them somehow they become irate. Any threat to the wall like challenges to authority or accuracy are taken often too seriously. Being popular and well liked by peers and bosses are important to these individuals.

Aside from the Holy Spirit I'm not sure there will be any change. Pray and hope but change will have to come from realization of what they are and accepting that they are neither the failure they hide from themselves buried in their subconscious nor the perfection they try to emulate. Hopefully he's not narcissistic but I wouldn't rule it out.

Some people are just selfish. I will continue to pray for you and your children. God is a wonderful Father to the fatherless. May His love and wisdom flood their hearts, and yours as you deal with this situation. Children seem very resilient and on the outside look like they are coping fine. Don't overestimate their ability to handle this situation. If they do lose a parent, because of death there is mourning, if they lose a parent from separation there will be blame. Kids will tend to stick up for a parent who is being attacked, so don't blame him. Help the children understand the truth that we are all broken to some degree and their dad's brokenness prevents him from loving anybody, not just them.