Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

CLee622, I know you have this idea that you should not leave your husband, but he has been physically and emotionally abusive toward you, which is a form of marital infidelity. I'm not saying that you should divorce him, but you are not in any way commanded to stay in a marriage that is abusive. I know that PTSD is a debilitating illness, and for that reason he badly needs to get help, for his sake as much as yours. If he had stage 4 lung cancer he wouldn't be okay just living life without treatment. This is no different.
When your daughter gets old enough, she will become a target as well. It is really up to you to force his hand in this situation. Since you are living with your aunt and are helping her out, my advice would be to tell your husband that either he needs to get help or he needs to leave. This would not be an unbiblical action to take, it would be you defining healthy boundaries for yourself. When you get married, that doesn't mean that all personal boundaries are thrown aside. He can't do whatever he wants to do with you whenever he's having a bad day. You have a very sweet outlook on this situation in being patient and kind with him, but the truth is that you are actually enabling his sin by allowing him to continue hurting you and not take the necessary steps to get help. Truthfully the most biblical thing you could do right now is give him an ultimatum. Yes, he has had a hard life and yes he is dealing with a difficult illness, but that does not justify him hurting you. Please, please don't enable him any longer. Tell him that he either needs to start going to counseling or he needs to leave. I know this may be difficult, but it's the right thing to do.

I will be praying fervently for the opportunity to do this or that he get the help he has said he needs. Thank you....

Have you called the authorities when he has been physically abusive? I respect your spiritual devotion, I really do... I just think that if you choose to stand by him there should be a record of his violence in the event something even more tragic happens (God forbid). Even Christs commands us to follow the laws of the land... when a law is broken, be it spiritual or civil, restitution ought to take place.

I could be dead wrong, but I'm not sure "abuse" is grounds for divorce. The bible does speak of "separation" though.

If anyone has scripture that lists abuse as a reason for a biblical divorce, please show me. I truly wish it was... but I can't twist the bible to make it mean/say what I want it to mean/say.

There's truly not. I know it's a hard thing to swallow for many and they all (I've done a lot of reading) all say "God doesn't ""want""' .... well God doesn't want any bad thing that happens to happen. But they do. He is still sovereign. What He does want and it's clear in His Word is for us to be patient in trials. Learn in suffering. Rejoice in it, even! Granted pornography has been an issue and I could say "hey that's adultery of the heart it's done" but I'm way more committed and would rather see God heal a failing marriage than give up and deal with the whole new set of issues that would bring on.

No Smoke - I've never called authorities. It's never been as bad as the night or so before I joined this site I guess 3 nights ago now. I've never had marks that lasted (granted I mentioned bruises are from falling because I was pushed etc) but I did get - I hate saying it but all I can say - slammed on our concrete floor and my tailbone is still hurting. I work in childcare and the next day it would hurt each time I picked up a child but it's a lot better today. And that didn't even leave a mark - the difference though this time was I pushed back saying stop touching me. I really should have just left. I don't know why I didn't. Guess I was just being stubborn not wanting to sleep in daughter's room again so yes it got worse before it's been hard pushing - pulled me by ankle off bed - but not on the floor on a couch. So anyway it's only been moments before. And I seriously don't want to involve others.

I will say guys - he's sent a voice recording via text asking for prayer and forgiveness today. So. Good. But - like I also said - this is a cycle and it's gotten worse each time. But then the "good times" get better each time too. But as you can imagine the instability can be frightening ... But I never lose hope. And I am comforted amidst the storm. To be a little cliche.

What about the next time he pushes you, and you fall and bash your head on a blunt surface? You'll be dead, he'll be to blame, and your daughter will be motherless. That's the reality of domestic abuse, Clee. I've been there, gone through it. Your husband is a ticking time bomb with a short fuse. :/

I know. That's possible. I will be very careful as I re enter interactions. I probably won't even initiate any. I do feel more separation is needed however it has to be in same home. Possible. I've seen how it can be done days at a time.

I am wrong for wanting things in marriage he can't provide yet. Setting myself up for disappointment.

Its basically ground 0 now and I am thankful for all your words am taking them to heart and moving forward in prayer not in my own feelings or emotions (that's been hard for me - not letting how I feel control my words or behavior... I am not the perfect wife! I'm just the weaker vessel )

He desperately needs counseling for his PTSD and obvious anger issues. Is he willing to go? Or maybe someone could come out to the house?

He's said multiple times he needs it. He's been in tears of repentance before. The voice message today was very somber. I KNOW I have heard many stories about men keeping girls around because of promises to change but I can't say I've known for sure any were born again and - I KNOW born again couple stories of overcoming great atrocities. I definitely have my head on straight and I've visited divorce sites and just can't stay on them long. Despite the cycles there are tiny changes each time? Too tiny to even describe but still. I really should have been journaling this whole time... I should start. Because my life is a blur now. We had a miscarriage Oct 2015 and I'm just starting to feel healed from that. Having my first baby and caring for her, every day, has been wonderful. But now she's becoming her own person and I'm like wait...where did I go?!?

It's not exciting at all and sometimes I have to sit and pray and pray so I don't just cry and wallow. When I say "good times" I basically just mean not bad. Nothing bad happens but nothing really loving or good happens either. It's his words or discussion of scripture that might increase. When we met, all we did (almost) was read bibles together. Studying was our favorite thing to do. It hasn't been like that in...2-3 years I guess. Really should've been journaling ! I'm definitely starting.

Yup. 8 years. And she would throw things at him - hit him- pull his hair out (I saw spots when we got together they've since grown in some) kick him in her sleep (granted she was asleep but he couldn't sleep in bed he was on floor in other room like...3-5 years? Can't remember how many) she claimed to be a believer when they married, into marriage said she just "couldn't believe it" then suspiciously said she believed and got baptized after we got together. Happy if so. Just never know. Especially since she still seemed to be trying to maintain some control with manupulative messages. That has since stopped. But he does owe her money. He agreed and signed, to pay 15 grand "for her school" (who in their right mind?! He said he was distraught really couldn't think and wanted to do the "right thing") but he did and that is not completely paid off yet. But when I took over communication about it she quit messaging him.

But what if God will allow for healing by a true separation... By true, I mean, living in different homes? He gets all the perks of being husband/wife... Maybe not the sexual part, but you said he had/has a porn problem so he has that box checked.

If God is going to heal him/your marriage, I assure you He can do so while both of you are in separate homes.

Be it a push, slap, or full on punch... physical abuse is physical abuse. There being marks or not is not the barometer used to determine if there is domestic violence.

You say it's never been as bad as it was the other night, well... domestic violence is a progressive disease. You should expect it to continue to be more severe each additional time. For this reason, I think it's extremely prudent you take your daughter and leave... You don't have the luxury of "waiting for God" to do His work and let you and your daughter be subjected to domestic violence. Even if he's not beating you in front of your daughter, kids are a lot smarter than adults tend to think. They absorb information like a sponge... sooner or later she'll put the pieces to the puzzle together... assuming she hasn't already seen dad do his worst on you.

The word of God makes us obligated to forgive everyone for their transgressions. It doesn't mean you have to give them the opportunity to repeat their sin though. You can forgive him and have a true separation.

We train people how to treat us. Look at it this way: He knows he can physically abuse you and you'll still cook, clean, wash his clothes... He looks at porn so he doesn't need you for that part... What WOULD he have to do to get you to leave the house?

May I ask why it "has to be" in the same home?

Well I can't leave - in case you weren't able to read whole thread I am an aid to a disabled aunt. She doesn't need me for everything yet but she's on oxygen it makes her life easier for me to be there - with him it's really there's just nowhere to go that wouldn't be more stress on top of what he has. However. I do have a friend who said she may be able to clear out a guest room for him. With her and her husband he MAY consider it but probably not.

That said ... getting back to scripture ... the husband is head of the wife. I know he says things he doesn't like and does the same - but when it comes to marital decisions should I not allow scripture to be my authority no matter how much it may seem odd or may even feel wrong for a moment - we don't follow God based on feeling but trust. Abraham gave Sarah over to a pharaoh - TWO different times - she went. She followed him in a desert and didn't know where they were going. I'm not commanded to do what I want I'm commanded to obey God and... my husband (even if it doesn't "feel" like he is - even if he "gives me up" at times like Abraham..yes it's hard.)

Making sense? Thoughts?

Oh and I'm in no way trying to condone his abuse. I guess I just want you guys to know I'm "ok" not like bleeding or literally being "beaten" .. I know...it tends to progress. But:: The LORD is for me; I will not fear; What can man do unto me? Psalm 118:6

A grand comforter for me as far as verses go also::: "It is good for me that I have been afflicted, In order that I might learn Thy statutes." Psalm 119:71

All I can say, speaking from personal experience, is that he can't overcome this on his own. He needs counseling in order to heal and recover. Regardless of how good the good times are and regardless of how sincerely sorry he is, he literally cannot do this by himself. And this is going to continue until he does get counseling and begins to follow that counsel.

I now ChandlerFan :/ I know. My last 2 posts still stand true in my heart and I just have to trust God with my steps. I'll make a point to pray daily for his counseling specifically. I WILL keep posting here if things change I love you all for caring and thank you for making this a safe, loving place to share!

I'm so sorry for all you and your children are going through, that's really awful and sounds dangerous if the abuse level is rising. Please do what you can to ensure your safety and the safety of your children. If he's willing to go to counseling maybe see what your options are or seek help from the Pastor if y'all attend church somewhere. My heart goes out to you and I'll be praying for you both.