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Thread: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

  1. #1
    Senior Member CLee622's Avatar
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    Default Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    I have been married 4 years. I am 26 he is 44. Things were ok at first... He is nothing like I thought he would be at this point. I know it's a bit that way with any marriage but...Despite his continued repentance and the truth he speaks - nothing in his life appears to be that of a believer. Night before last he got more physically violent than ever. Before it was a push or shove...grab. I have multiple marks from two nights ago. He blames me for it all. He has a painful past - and has a lot of healing to do - massive anxiety issues and we live w a disabled family member which adds a lot of strain - many privacy issues - but in the meantime he's hurting me and showing our 3 year old daughter a terrible example and he says he won't file for divorce. That I have to file, he would gladly sign. Feel like that's an attempt to say "he did not file" ... but in scripture it says a woman is not to depart from her husband. Moses did say a "man" could "give his wife certificate of divorce" and I told him amidst the "battle" the other night "if you want to follow Moses' laws then you have to "put me away" ... my point to him was he's not following God's laws at the moment but playing around with the laws that were given "because sin increased" and it has definitely increased under this roof.

    He used to read the Word with me daily. This is a painful attack I know I'm not perfect but I never wanted or sought such a conflicted marriage. Pray for us thank you.

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    Speaking as a person who has been in an abusive relationship where my boyfriend tried to strangle me, I can tell you that you and your daughter are in terrible danger. God does not expect His children to be abused in marriage. You have marks on you from where he has hurt you. What if he turns his anger on your daughter? If you don't think he'd ever do that, you're fooling yourself. Because someday he will. He needs counseling and therapy. YOU need to take your daughter and go to a safe place. If counseling doesn't work, or if he refuses to go, then do what he says and file for divorce. He has no right hitting you and I truly believe that God makes allowance for physical abuse as grounds for divorce. Don't stay in this abusive situation, get yourself out of danger. As far as the disabled family member, they need to go to a nursing facility somewhere and not be living with you.

    Luke 1:37





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



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    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    God does not expect any wife and mother to tolerate verbal and physical abuse. For your own safety and that of your child I urge you to try to get shelter for battered woman and children.

    There are biblical exceptions for filing for divorce and this is one of them. Perhaps if a separation from your husband will give him time to think about what he is doing to his family with his abusive behavior and he will change. Odds are that he won't but pray for God's will to be done in your life and daughter.

    Pray for him also but you really need time for healing. I will pray for your situation also. God Bless You.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Senior Member CLee622's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    My aunt, the family member, this is her home. We moved in to help/care for home and large yard. Also due to financial struggles on both our sides. She is still able to do things around house just takes a lot. (She's on oxygen) And it's up to her whether she goes anywhere. I know she will not leave this house til death or hospitalization/hospice.

    He has said he and we need counseling. But he's not taken steps to get it. Currently sleeping in daughter's room.

    The marks are from his strength...I'm not sure I would say hit. Extremely hard/fast pushing left chest sore. Feels like a big bruise but no marks there except a few finger marks that have already faded. Bruises on legs are from falling. Knee scraped on brick step.

    I know he doesn't want it. He has PTSD .... I've seen him be changed and have "good weeks" but it doesn't just go away.
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    Senior Member CLee622's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    I have too much responsibility here to just leave my aunt (and her 2 dogs) she just got started on home health. I just started this job, while he actually quit his and is getting work here and there via a farm and music.
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    Senior Member CLee622's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    Does anyone know verses for any type of abuse being grounds for divorce? I haven't seen them and - I don't think saying "it says they are to love us like Christ" so if they aren't, get divorced holds water. Because then so would us not respecting them in any way, be divorce reasons. I would separate somewhere if I could. Not sure that's a possibility at the moment except letting him have the porch (what we call the sunroom we should be "living" in) and doing best I can for all in household. More like an emotional separation and as much physical separation as possible.
    blue_ladybug likes this.

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    Aha, that explains some of it. So you live with her, and it's her home. Well, at least Home Health can help out a little bit. Hubby may not be hitting you or smacking you around, but grabbing you and leaving marks on you, and pushing you IS still considered abuse. What kind of job did he have before he quit? And how often does he find jobs on farms or through music? You say he has PTSD--was he in the war? That can really mess up a person's mind. He needs professional counseling for that. Is he willing to go to therapy for that?
    kaylagrl likes this.





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    I don't know of any in the bible, but I do know that God NEVER intended for people within marriage to get physically abused. Clee, God knows your heart, and he knows hubby's heart. He knows why hubby is acting like this. And He knows that you are miserable in this marriage. God doesn't expect people to stay in abusive situations like this. I do hope it won't come to divorce for you, but if it does, just remember that God always uses divorce to bring something better in your lives. Surely what he does to you, must affect your aunt also. Have you tried talking to her about this?



    Quote Originally Posted by CLee622 View Post
    Does anyone know verses for any type of abuse being grounds for divorce? I haven't seen them and - I don't think saying "it says they are to love us like Christ" so if they aren't, get divorced holds water. Because then so would us not respecting them in any way, be divorce reasons. I would separate somewhere if I could. Not sure that's a possibility at the moment except letting him have the porch (what we call the sunroom we should be "living" in) and doing best I can for all in household. More like an emotional separation and as much physical separation as possible.
    kaylagrl likes this.





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



  9. #9
    Senior Member CLee622's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    Most people associate PTSD with war...no but close. He was abused in many ways as a child/teen including kidnapping(s) yes more than one. Homelessness for nearly a decade. Witnessed murders. Abusive first marriage (her to him) .... he worked in healthcare, the office closed he was out of work. Got job in restaurant got certs to manage but quit. Saying it's my fault he can't keep job. While I know I need to do more and focus more at home, I am still learning. The mental stress is nearly unbearable I couldn't do it if it weren't for Christ. I'm letting the little one sleep a bit longer today because I work the PM shift and we will be there til 8 or so (church childcare) and she's on my chest sleeping. He just came in leaned over me to kiss her and say daddy loves you and "may never get to see you again" .... daily I don't know what is in my future with him. What He will do. Still waiting in any pay he has to be deposited and can't really ask about it - we are about to be in bad shape financially if he doesn't have what we need to add to my first paycheck coming soon. My comfort is literally only found in God. Nothing of this world. Just my daughter and these children I'm now caring for / teaching.
    Last edited by CLee622; March 1st, 2017 at 09:47 AM.
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    Senior Member CLee622's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    He has said multiple times he needs help. That we both do. My aunt knows we have issues but we have been able to mostly keep it to ourselves. She doesn't need stress plus she's a gossip. I don't want my (unsaved) family yapping about me. Not that it would really matter, but I don't need or want that. My patience has been cultivated immensely....I'm still hurting though. But have to smile and play w my child daily. Teach her and grow w her. I've battled depression severely in past and in marriage but I'm doing much better now (((I think))) I still have bad days. But I know my Hope.
    Last edited by CLee622; March 1st, 2017 at 09:48 AM.

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    Okay.. Well, all that you've described about him, can surely also make him like this. However he cannot blame you for him being unable to keep a job. It's not his fault either, it's the PTSD. The comment he made "daddy may never see you again"--is he suicidal? Does he ever talk about doing it? Have you tried applying for financial aid? Try to find out if you qualify for food stamps. With a 3-year old, you do at least qualify for WIC. With hubby's PTSD, he could apply for disability benefits, and would most likely get approved.


    Quote Originally Posted by CLee622 View Post
    Most people associate PTSD with war...no but close. He was abused in many ways as a child/teen including kidnapping(s) yes more than one. Homelessness for nearly a decade. Witnessed murders. Abusive first marriage (her to him) .... the current state, he worked in healthcare, the office closed he was out of work. Got job in restaurant got certs to manage but quit. Saying it's my fault he can't keep job. While I know I need to do more and focus more at home, I am still learning. The mental stress is nearly unbearable I couldn't do it if it weren't for Christ. I'm letting the little one sleep a bit longer today because I work the PM shift and we will be there til 8 or so (church childcare) and she's on my chest sleeping. He just came in leaned over me to kiss her and say daddy loves you and "may never get to see you again" .... daily I don't know what is in my future with him. What He will do. Still waiting in any pay he has to be deposited and can't really ask about it - we are about to be in bad shape financially if he doesn't have what we need to add to my first paycheck coming soon. My comfort is literally only found in God. Nothing of this world. Just my daughter and these children I'm now caring for / teaching.





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



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    Senior Member CLee622's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    No he wouldn't kill himself. He just talks of leaving, but there's nowhere to go. Mostly he just feels he is kept from his child by me somehow and has to remain separated from us even in same house. Lately he's said multiple times he has to work and save and move out etc. part of me thinks he never will and we can heal but the current state is just hard. To say the least. I also know we must face trials with steadfastness and boldness though I don't know how or think I should start making decisions without him yet. Very complicated.
    blue_ladybug likes this.

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    Well at least he admits he needs help. I don't know much about PTSD, but I imagine that's a big part of why he is so hesitant to seek the help he needs. Maybe you could ask him if he'd like to take the sunporch, I know PTSD survivors sometimes like to be fairly solitary. Does he ever play with your daughter, or hold her, or anything like that? And don't think that your aunt doesn't know what's going on, she must be able to see your bruises, and hear the two of you fight. And if she's a gossip, she's probably already told your family. Is she on disability or any thing like that?



    Quote Originally Posted by CLee622 View Post
    He has said multiple times he needs help. That we both do. My aunt knows we have issues but we have been able to mostly keep it to ourselves. She doesn't need stress plus she's a gossip. I don't want my (unsaved) family yapping about me. Not that it would really matter, but I don't need or want that. My patience has been cultivated immensely....I'm still hurting though. But have to smile and play w my child daily. Teach her and grow w her. I've battled depression severely in past and in marriage but I'm doing much better now (((I think))) I still have bad days. But I know my Hope.





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    My 2 favorite verses are Luke 1:37 and Philippians 4:13. They have sustained me through many difficult times. God will find a solution for this situation..


    Quote Originally Posted by CLee622 View Post
    No he wouldn't kill himself. He just talks of leaving, but there's nowhere to go. Mostly he just feels he is kept from his child by me somehow and has to remain separated from us even in same house. Lately he's said multiple times he has to work and save and move out etc. part of me thinks he never will and we can heal but the current state is just hard. To say the least. I also know we must face trials with steadfastness and boldness though I don't know how or think I should start making decisions without him yet. Very complicated.





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



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    Senior Member CLee622's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    No marks are hidden under clothes. She's usually asleep and has cpap can't hear anything. Yes she's on disability. He basically has "had" the porch the whole time. I've been in and out. He recently spent long nights trying to make me a decent closet space out there. Now back to this. He does enjoy being with our daughter more than anything but it's hard for him here - for us to make the timing work out.
    blue_ladybug likes this.

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    Senior Member CLee622's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    Thank you for the those verses blue ladybug. I fully believe God will accomplish His will and trust Him. I just need a free space to talk about it perhaps. And definitely to ask for prayer. Thank you!!!
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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    You're welcome..


    Quote Originally Posted by CLee622 View Post
    Thank you for the those verses blue ladybug. I fully believe God will accomplish His will and trust Him. I just need a free space to talk about it perhaps. And definitely to ask for prayer. Thank you!!!





    Quote Originally Posted by pottersclay View Post
    Blue_ladybug is innocent, as we know in scripture " all people who like orange tabbies are innocent."
    Quote Originally Posted by blue_ladybug View Post
    LOL.. I'll use that defense the next time I get accused of something.. lol


    To read my cancer, depression, physical pain & suicide testimonies, go to the Blog tab in my profile.



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    Senior Member iveseenworse's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    i pray peace for your family, i pray you each read, learn what God intended a marriage to look like and work to please him. i pray God bless each of you. health, peace, happiness for your aunt.
    Sherril and CLee622 like this.

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    Senior Member levi85's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    Father God we pray for CLee622, and her husband, please heal and bless their relationship, and let them have a blessed marriage life, Lord please change her husbands, heart and attitude towards her, and let it be full of respect and love for her, dissolve all the differences, and let you bless both of them and family, Lord please bless CLee22, in Jesus gracious name, Amen!
    Sherril and CLee622 like this.

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    Senior Member CLee622's Avatar
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    Default Re: Distant abusive husband - daily struggles in the house

    Does a heart good to wake up to others' prayers ! Thank you guys!
    blue_ladybug likes this.
    I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

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