I'm a bit emotional right now, so I apologize if it seems I speak out of turn unintentionally.
Once again, I find myself not wanting to go to church. I like, I like singing, I like hearing about the word....and yet I don't want to go. I read a little every week, pray almost constantly in my head, but..... Why? Why don't I want to go to church? What kind of Christian doesn't want to go to church?!
I know it's normal not to feel like going all the time. But with me, it's like I always have an excuse. And sometimes when I don't, my body reacts so that I don't feel well and then can't make it. I know I'm saved, I know I need Him, I know everything I have is because of Him....I love Him, but I guess not enough to go to church!! I have OCD, ADD, and my dad has cancer. We pray every night and I'm happy to, we sing sometimes together in worship and I'm happy to....THEN WHY DON'T I WANT TO GO TO CHURCH!?!?!
There is a verse that specifically talks about not abandoning the gathering of yourselves together in worship: church. It's like....when I was very young I never wanted to go to church because it was obligatory to me I guess. When I was older like in highschool I decided once and for all that this wasn't about mom and dad dragging me there, it was about spending time with God. Then came college where I couldn't go sometimes, then came work where I worked on sundays and was way too tired afterward. And less time, less time, ect.
My attitude has changed I think without me knowing it. I'm a person who likes to take me time to recharge, and I can't do that much anymore with my father's situation. There's no time where it's just me, by myself. I have to be with people that are family or with dad, which I don't mind. But then I for some reason look forward to times when I can just be in the house by myself, which sadly tends to be church. And I don't make up things to skip going, that's not it at all. But after a while I feel like I am because my istant "ugh I don'wanna go" feeling comes up, then I panic going "WHY DO I NOT WANNA GO WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME" usually causes me to get upset and then feel bad, ect ect.
Has the concept of church changed in me? Is it no longer going to His house to be with Him? Has it become just another thing that I have to do in order to stay sane and saved? Have I become so legalistic that I think of it as something akin to going to the doctor? It's like when I'm there I am happy to be, I get to worship and have fellowship, but then once I leave it's like I subconsciously dread going again. WHY!?
What is wrong with me? Please pray God changes my attitude and/or helps me see what I need to change.