I really need prayer. I am the first to tell people not to bury things that cause you pain.......but I myself have been burying for many years a painful past in regards to the relationship I have with my parents, in particular my mother. Even at the age of 37 I feel I don't know her, I don't feel close to her at all and never have, although I craved this emotional closeness as a child, but never had it. Various life decisions and behaviours in my life has been a result of my painful past, but more so, being emotionally broken has been the root of it all.
I am going to talk all this out with my mother once and for all and I am so scared that she is going to react as she normally does and be abrasive/abrupt and non-emotional or insensitive and I'll end up feeling emotionally bruised all over again........I was never allowed to be angry with her, I had to just sit there and take it as a child......but in adulthood I notice I am angry towards her and don't want her 'crowding or feel like she is taking over' my personal world/space. Since I have moved out of home only 7 years ago I have never invited my parents for dinner at my home, although we all get on and seem close, but this emotional pain I thought I'd gotten over, but just before my birthday in 2 days time, it's reared it's head and it's definitely not dealt with.
What will I say, how do I say it.......I just don't want to feel hurt....it's take years to build my self esteem..............it's affected all relationships in my life, especially with female friendsand definitely with men too. i guess in the past I looked for attention and love from men that is acutally the parental love I craved as a child/teenager - it's all messed up. Tired of it.
This I beleive is the breakthrough that I need in my life......so that I will heal once and for all and I can have more 'healthy' relationships in my life. I beleive it's something that has been preventing me from meeting my future husband as God wants this to be dealt with so that I can love this future husband (whom I have yet to meet....) without bringing the same emotional baggage she brought into her own marriage.........I don't want to be history repeating itself with my own future children......
Please help me pray. xx