Dealing with the past: Upsetting Memories about to be exposed

I really need prayer. I am the first to tell people not to bury things that cause you pain.......but I myself have been burying for many years a painful past in regards to the relationship I have with my parents, in particular my mother. Even at the age of 37 I feel I don't know her, I don't feel close to her at all and never have, although I craved this emotional closeness as a child, but never had it. Various life decisions and behaviours in my life has been a result of my painful past, but more so, being emotionally broken has been the root of it all.

I am going to talk all this out with my mother once and for all and I am so scared that she is going to react as she normally does and be abrasive/abrupt and non-emotional or insensitive and I'll end up feeling emotionally bruised all over again........I was never allowed to be angry with her, I had to just sit there and take it as a child......but in adulthood I notice I am angry towards her and don't want her 'crowding or feel like she is taking over' my personal world/space. Since I have moved out of home only 7 years ago I have never invited my parents for dinner at my home, although we all get on and seem close, but this emotional pain I thought I'd gotten over, but just before my birthday in 2 days time, it's reared it's head and it's definitely not dealt with.

What will I say, how do I say it.......I just don't want to feel hurt....it's take years to build my self esteem..............it's affected all relationships in my life, especially with female friendsand definitely with men too. i guess in the past I looked for attention and love from men that is acutally the parental love I craved as a child/teenager - it's all messed up. Tired of it.

This I beleive is the breakthrough that I need in my life......so that I will heal once and for all and I can have more 'healthy' relationships in my life. I beleive it's something that has been preventing me from meeting my future husband as God wants this to be dealt with so that I can love this future husband (whom I have yet to meet....) without bringing the same emotional baggage she brought into her own marriage.........I don't want to be history repeating itself with my own future children......

Please help me pray. xx

Prayers with you always, my friend! You know where to find me if you ever feel like you need to talk

My two cents worth may not be much, but here's my advice. Pray about what you should say and how you should say it. I say this from my own personal experience with a mother who's the same way. Even if she chooses to react and do wrong, remember that God loves you no matter what. You're the mature one in more ways than one, and by telling her how you feel and everything, you're getting your feelings out. Which is the beginning steps of forgiveness and healing. I'll keep you in prayer, and may God bless you so much!

I don't know you but I am sure that the Lord Jesus Christ does, especially your heart. So I would like to ask you to read what He has said about those that belong to Him. You will have to look these up and read them personally. As you read them just keep in mind and in your heart, the love that was expressed toward you at the cross. (Matthew 10:38,39; John 12:24-26; Gal 2:20,21; 1Cor 6:19,20; Luke 7:41-50)

Thanks for your words and prayers. I have no issue with forgiveness of the past..........my concern is dealing with the pain of the past. I don't blame or hold my mother accountable, my interest is to get out of this cycle or pain whether she acknowledges the past or not. My concern is to get free. I don't want to make her feel bad, but I need to tell her the truth which will be painful for her too. But the end result I am looking for is 'healing' and 'peace' and being able to move forward without this hanging over my head.

I won't approach her in anger, I will be praying for the right spirit in this conversation, so I am asking God to prepare me.

rejection is a deep wound.......and it carries through in your life if not dealt with. I thought I had dealt with it...........but now is the time.

It is funny how the past affects us in ways that almost cripple us or leave us filling unwhole. Truly that has been my greatest joy with The Father, allowing me to see the past as it is. I am not happy all the times about my past with my Mother, but I accept her now more than I have every accepted her before. I believe I was living in a fairytail about life and the way Parents should be. But, what The Father has allowed me to see is that, they are scared and imperfect humanbeings. My Mother did the best she could, with the knowledge she had on how to be a Parent. She had pain, and trust issue that impossed itself on how she raised us. Truly in my heart, I know she meant no harm to us. She just did not know how to deal with others needs.

I hope that helps you when you see your Mother, my first attempt at really talk to my Mother failed, because I was not able to see her as a scarred humanbeing. It is though the Grace of God, I was able to see her as who she is with out judgement. Now, am I telling you I still don't get mad and want to choke her sometimes, NNNNOOOOOO! She still pushes those buttons when I allow her too. I just see her differently now.

You are brave for stepping out. Facing our pain is not the easiest thing to do. I hope you continue in your recovery and find a support group that can help you move forward.

i must tell you that i have read many of your responses and requests before and felt you must be the most together woman out there. this goes to show you (or me rather) that we all have secrets and problems. i pray that this talk with your mother goes according to God's will! i pray that you can give all the bad things from the past to the Lord and leave them with him. i have been married 25 years this year and i too feel that things from the past affect my life and marriage to this day. this is also showing me that i too need to deal with some things!! God Bless!!

I thank all of you for your precious words, for the different perspectives and advice. This has really helped.

I spoke with my mother today. I spoke very gently and didn't accuse her, I just said, that 'when this happened, I felt'...I didn't say 'You did this or YOU did that'........

It was very hard for me to lay my heart on the table and express my hurt. I even said that I don't blame her for certain behaviours I adopted in previous years which was purely an expression of my pain. I took responsibility for those actions.

After pouring my heart out...........EVERYTHING GOT THROWN BACK AT ME........and where I was being open and honest, she just added to it saying ' yes, I can see the way you behave sometimes and YOU need to change and YOU need to deal with it......I am not going into any of this with you, just forget about it - Life happens........just move on............' was her answer..............

All I wanted to do was move closer to her.........I know about some of her upbringing, I know about some of the things she went through.....but she didn't seemed to see that history was repeating itself.....only that I was aware and wanted it to stop.

Well, if anything.....it STOPPED today......and even though I feel broken, exposed and very hurt......I didn't shout, I was unmoved....I just kept my composure and just smiled as the subject was quickly changed by her to something else, even though she just totally dismissed me.......I kept it together until she left my home.

Yes, I am one those that has spent her life being strong for others and helping others through their issues.......and I was hiding my own in the sense that I tried to bury this one. It's hard to admit how we feel, it's hard to open up, as you risk someone not reacting how you'd like them too.........

I had the vision of open arms, and some acknowledgement that ' I didn't know you felt this way, and I am sorry for your pain....what can we do to move forwards'........all I got was a door slammed in my face, figuratively speaking.

But one thing is......I know I have been honest........I have been mature in approaching this and now I have to just put this behind me and move on with God's help.

You did great!!! I am proud of you. You can see now, she is not ready to deal with it. Keep praying and you and see will have the chance to talk in full. As you can see, she is not ready to deal with her faults and her responsiblity to you as your parent. At least she did not say you were crazy and none of these things happen. She is almost ready. Keep it cool and let The Father have the Glory. One day when you least expect it, she will call or come by and want to talk.

Sometimes when things are not resovlved in our minds we feel we need more. You have all you are going to get at this point. Now it is time to move forward.

I hope this helps.

Thank you, this is wise advice and yes it really helped! I have done my bit and yes all I can do is move on now. It's still pretty 'raw' and 'painful' right now......but I am just going to let the Lord lead. If I dwell on todays conversation too much I will defeat the purpose of what I set out to acheive......so it's done.......move on. God knows my mother better than I do and He knows how to reach her........just as He knows how to reach me and change me........

From God's point of view He's only interested in what I do from now.........my response to today. So I must allow Him to heal me from the inside out.

This afternoon I felt totally alone, totally rejected.....just so let down........but I know God is there and I know he can see my pain......things will heal soon I am sure.