So if anyone knows me, or at least can see by how I react to things, I am a person very run by fear. And I know that's not Biblical, but sadly I tend to be very anxious and scared of everything. Doesn't mean God can't change that completely, but that's the state of me now.
One thing I used to do when I was little is - and by little like 10 or so - I would say "God if you get me through _______ I'll never do it again." Then He would, and I'd do it again. I was a child, I thought as a child, ect. But I had so much shame from that sort of attitude later as a teen, especially when I remembered there was a verse talking about that if you make a convenant/promise with God it best you keep it. So I decided I was going to not make any more promises to God, cuz I had no idea if I'd keep them or not in the rest of my life.
The biggest one was like in the case of Peter, where he said "I'll never leave You" and then left. I was terrified to say "I'm gonna love/always love/be there/ect for the rest of my life." Because I didn't know that for sure. I wanted to! But I didn't know what future me would do. At that point I didn't know, and didn't ask about, the fact that this was a statement of faith. Faith that God would complete the work that He'd started in me.
Now that little thing I didn't do as a kid has snowballed into a fear. A fear of losing Him. But not by anyone's hand but my own. Fear that I'm going to leave Him. Now the biggest and most obvious response is, "Well don't." And my brain's fear response is "but what if I end up doing it later? What if I fall away? What if I become lukewarm?" Again my brain doesn't think about the fact that if spent half my time in His word as to wondering what's gonna happen to me I'd be fine.
One of the worst ones was, "What if I turn from God to the enemy?" Drastic, terrifying, and the very thought made me have panic attacks. Now when I have that thought, a sort of weird calm numbness sorta comes over me. I can never tell if it's my body trying to fight the reaction it thinks it's going to have, God assuring me that it isn't going to happen and it's a moot point, or my medications just doing their job so I don't have a melt down.
There's a lot of living by feeling. Even know I think, "I had that thought, but I'm not praying God to forgive me for it. That doesn't mean I accept it but is my flesh trying to go for it?" Welcome to my brain.
What hurts most I think is that I have to remind myself of God's goodness, of His love for me, that no matter what I think or do He will always be there for me. And it makes me....feel shameful. But almost in the shame of a child to their parent. I'm sad that I'm disappointing Him. Sad that I'm having such horrible thoughts about abandoning someone who loves me. But I never want to. That's the thing. My head says "NO WAY" but my emotions are sorta flat. Again, that may be the pills.
Bottom line is: Just a prayer for loving Him more and more, like my Blainy does, and the faith to be willing to be still and let Him fight the battle.
One thing I used to do when I was little is - and by little like 10 or so - I would say "God if you get me through _______ I'll never do it again." Then He would, and I'd do it again. I was a child, I thought as a child, ect. But I had so much shame from that sort of attitude later as a teen, especially when I remembered there was a verse talking about that if you make a convenant/promise with God it best you keep it. So I decided I was going to not make any more promises to God, cuz I had no idea if I'd keep them or not in the rest of my life.
The biggest one was like in the case of Peter, where he said "I'll never leave You" and then left. I was terrified to say "I'm gonna love/always love/be there/ect for the rest of my life." Because I didn't know that for sure. I wanted to! But I didn't know what future me would do. At that point I didn't know, and didn't ask about, the fact that this was a statement of faith. Faith that God would complete the work that He'd started in me.
Now that little thing I didn't do as a kid has snowballed into a fear. A fear of losing Him. But not by anyone's hand but my own. Fear that I'm going to leave Him. Now the biggest and most obvious response is, "Well don't." And my brain's fear response is "but what if I end up doing it later? What if I fall away? What if I become lukewarm?" Again my brain doesn't think about the fact that if spent half my time in His word as to wondering what's gonna happen to me I'd be fine.
One of the worst ones was, "What if I turn from God to the enemy?" Drastic, terrifying, and the very thought made me have panic attacks. Now when I have that thought, a sort of weird calm numbness sorta comes over me. I can never tell if it's my body trying to fight the reaction it thinks it's going to have, God assuring me that it isn't going to happen and it's a moot point, or my medications just doing their job so I don't have a melt down.
There's a lot of living by feeling. Even know I think, "I had that thought, but I'm not praying God to forgive me for it. That doesn't mean I accept it but is my flesh trying to go for it?" Welcome to my brain.
What hurts most I think is that I have to remind myself of God's goodness, of His love for me, that no matter what I think or do He will always be there for me. And it makes me....feel shameful. But almost in the shame of a child to their parent. I'm sad that I'm disappointing Him. Sad that I'm having such horrible thoughts about abandoning someone who loves me. But I never want to. That's the thing. My head says "NO WAY" but my emotions are sorta flat. Again, that may be the pills.
Bottom line is: Just a prayer for loving Him more and more, like my Blainy does, and the faith to be willing to be still and let Him fight the battle.
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