Humbly asking for prayers for my self-loathing

I suffer from severe self-loathing even if I have a wonderful husband who treats me very well and I do my very best to be a good wife for him, give him foot and back massage, help him with the finances, carry out the chores, etc.

God made a miracle and my mother told me she was sorry for our last argument in which she insulted me. Now she is pampering me a lot and I appreciate it greatly. I also do my very best to be a good daughter.

I also did my very best to take care of my father, who was sick all his life, until the end of his days four years ago.

But I feel terrible about my past mistakes. I have a "new age" past which now I loathe. I had premarital sex. I was a feminist. I did all this while my father was sick and my mum was sick of stress as well. I felt very alone. I had no guidance whatsoever. I fell often prey to predators.

Now my life is better, I have been working for three years at least until very recently, manage very modest finances with care, I should feel happy.

Yet I hate even my own face in the mirror. I see myself as a loser. I worked for the wrong people and this marked my identity. I obsess about the people who know my past. I also obsess about the people I have argued with, now I have many enemies. I obsess about how my in-laws haven't accepted me, even if whether I was right or wrong when I was Catholic. I spent too much in the past, I have read hoarding is part of OCD. I couldn't do much to alleviate my father's pain and many problems. He had a painful death. Now I am sick with OCD and I am troubling my elderly mother and my loving husband. I am not helping them be strong, I am troubling them. I am isolated and isolating myself even more. Very often I feel suicidal about my past and fear God hates me.

I am starting to think my OCD is triggered by an intense desire of not being in my body, in my self. I hate my identity. I have been a university professor and yet I feel like trash. Many people had complaints about my job although I was doing my very best. I struggle, struggle to be a good person and yet something always happens, someone steps in and all goes wrong, someone who points out I am odd or I don't dress well or even that I am ugly.

I utterly fear being jobless and looking for a new job because I fear no one would accept me even if I am very serious about my work performance.

The worst of all is that I very often doubt God's protection. I haven't accepted my father's death, nor I accept that my mum is already 75. Sometimes (OCD) I obsess about what would I do when she dies or if my husband died. I would be 100% alone. People don't like me and I never know how to make friends, although I don't do anything strange. But always something happens, people criticise things about me, in the end I feel isolated again. I already suffered from bullying at school.

I need prayers from people like you who are kind Christians and would not judge me for my past mistakes or doubts or fears of the future or sickness (OCD and depression). Many people have judged me harshly, they don't look at me in the street, people from the Catholic church. Now I doubt that even people who apparently love me really does so or is only being polite. Like my in-laws.

I don't know how to love myself and stop viewing myself as a loser. I was a new-age trash. I even did Tarot cards. I studied Jung and Freud and Carlos Castañeda (but I didn't take drugs). I hanged out with bad people, other new-agers, "free-thinkers", some of them atheists. Now these memories haunt me. I was so stupid and wasted so much of my life, soul, spirit and money. I indulged so much in sin. I fear people know my past and define me for my past now. I know it's part of the OCD, but I can't really love myself with the past I have. I can't believe I have the ability to be so stupid and waste my life this way.

I know that in Christ I am a new creation and yet sometimes the self-loathing attacks come back and completely overpower me telling me I'm fake and that actually I am just a sinner and will always be because I enjoyed these activities. I don't want to be like that anymore, I struggle every day to do my best to be a Christian woman, to put the Lord first and foremost in everything that I do, and I would like this inner voice that tells me I am alone, unsaved and a bad person at heart to shut up.

Thank you for your prayers, may God bless you always and thanks again.

I'm sorry to hear all you're going through. As someone who has had depression a very long time i understand many of your feelings. And as someone who has often made bad choices and feels things go wrong for them, even when you try, i get much of what you're going through. I also struggle with my past and feeling guilty. I do not have OCD, but i dated someone who did, so i understand the effects it has on a person.
I have also had friends with bad pasts. Worse than yours even. I have been friends, close friends, with people whose pasts involved things such as heavy drugs, stripping, attempted murder, mental disorders, violence, stealing and in some cases they refused to tell me even half of what they had been involved in. I try to see who a person is, not who they were.

Firstly have you been diagnosed with OCD, or are you labeling yourself with it. Most people have a strong misunderstanding of OCD. But certain situations can enhance personality traits that can resemble OCD. I had some major health issues a few years back. While i was going through it all certain things began bothering me more. When i would eat everything had to be done a certain way. Napkins placed a certain way, etc. That's just one example of many things that popped up. Now that i'm past all of that those tendencies have greatly diminished back to normal. But I've always had those tendencies, just not that strong.

Far as your past, God has forgiven. The end. Your suffering is self imposed. You are unwilling to let go of things God has already forgiven you for. You are, in essence, telling God "your forgiveness is not good enough". You may not be consciously thinking that, but by refusing to let go of things He has wiped away, that is the attitude.
God forgave Saul. Remade him and named him Paul. Paul wrote most of the New Testament. But when he was known as Saul his goal was to murder all Christian. Genocide of Christians. Paul was, in essence, a mass murderer full a pride and arrogance trying to stand against God. Paul, who even after being saved, called himself 'the chief of all sinners'. If God not only forgave, but greatly used, a man who attempted to wipe His followers off of the earth do you really think your sins are so much greater? Do you think that God, who created everything, out to the farthest reaches of our known existence, is too weak to forgive you? Do you believe Christ was tortured, mocked and slowly murdered knowing you were unforgivable? God knew your every sin before you were born. He knew your every sin while Christ was on the cross dying for your sins. And yet you think God is incapable or unwilling to forgive? Then what was the purpose of the cross? What was the purpose of Christ defeating death?
As long as you continue putting Yourself in this position you will never be happy. You can't reject God and His forgiveness over and over and over and expect to see God move.
Guilt is a tool of satan and you have opened the door wide for satan to hold you down. When you did not know God it made sense, something you seem to forget. But now that you know God you need to accept what He has given. Stop letting satan into your life and holding power over you, and instead let what God has already done work in your life.

Feeling unlovable is not the same as being unlovable. But there is one catch. The longer you believe it, the more you begin to conform your mind and attitude to reflect what you believe. So over time you will make yourself unlovable. But that is what you do, not something you have no control over. And this concept works in many other areas of life. Whatever negative expectation you have you will eventually change yourself to meet it. I should know, i have had to battle this my whole life, as a depressed person.
And a lot of things you don't noticed can affect how people view you. I have been told, numerous times, by friend i've made online that if they had seen me in person first they would not have approached me because i put off a 'stay away' vibe. But online they weren't able to see that. Body language says a lot about who we are. Body language reflects what we think of ourselves. Chances are you body language is reflecting all of these negative attitudes you carry about yourself, and in general. This will turn people off.

You seem to be depressed. Possibly out of circumstances and attitude more than a more long term issue, such as i have. You need to find some counseling. Ideally a Christian counselor if possible. And if you have not had OCD diagnosed by a professional then seeing a counselor will help with that as well. While i don't usually push for meds, OCD is a very tricky issue and if diagnosed you would do well to go on them.

Bottom line is God loves you. He loved you when He thought about you before you were born. He loved you while you were neck deep in sin. He loves you now in your self loathing and unwillingness to let go of the things He's already forgiven you for. You obviously desire to please God, which is also a positive reflection of your heart. You simply haven't been given the teaching and tools to take that and put it into action. But God has overcome worse things than what you're dealing with. He has changed bigger sinners than you into faithful servants. The bigger your past sins the more grace you received. Your name was on God's mind when Christ was on the cross.
You can continue walking in lies, or you can choose to run to God and bury yourself in His love, grace and mercy. It's your choice and yours alone.

Lastly i don't know if you like this music, but even if not i think these lyrics seem to fit you perfectly. I encourage you to watch, as they are printed on the screen.

[video=youtube;f8UTmTpt-2w]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8UTmTpt-2w[/video]

I will pray for you. Remember that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1. You are accepted in the Beloved ( see Ephesians 1:6) I would encourage you to look up Mark Freeman OCD on YouTube. He has a lot of good stuff to say that may help you with OCD. God loves you so much and has good plans for you.

Lord let you bless iamlearning and you shine through her let you remove all these feelings and bless to live a worthy life for you. Let others know she is your loving daughter and her identity be in you. Bless iamlearning with your knowkedge and wisdom , strength courage faith and everything from you. please bless her. in Jesus Holy name, Amen!

phillipians 3:13-14 "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

the past isnt applicable , being reminded of your past mistakes, is worthless, once youve acknowledged and prayed for forgiveness, know God has Heard you and remember that you poast sins have been cast into the deepest sea never to be remembered again

Micah 7:19 " .....he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea."


take heart dear One, Gods Love is beyond our past mistakes already, its true Just have to catch up to How God feels about your past sins and forget . ill be praying for you and your family.

My problem with friendships has generally been that I am very humble financially and I live in a part of the world (Mallorca) where money is everything for many people. It is truly hard to have a dignity when everybody around you is treating like a poor. They do indeed feel you are inferior. This has gone on since my childhood, we were very poor then too. And I have to say this also happens in Catholic settings, where I have seen much more value to money than to people in many individuals. This broke my heart really and you can add it to their judgement of my past. Sometimes it gives me even panic attacks, like today, I was feeling really unwell when I answered before.

I spent 10 years living in a very wealthy area but definitely was not making a lot. It does affect your expectations of yourself and your view of yourself, even though you didn't feel bad about not having a lot to begin with. I didn't realize how bad it affected me until i left and moved somewhere more relaxed.
Now, even, i am having a lot of financial issues. I'm am, for now, relying on others to cover me since i'm not able to do so myself. Though i no longer live in a rich area it still has an affect on how you feel about yourself.



Yes I am diagnosed and under treatment, my OCD is precisely obsessing about what the people are thinking about me because of my past, completely out of control. It is also scruples, the ones I mention for my past, I suffered obsession about confession with many priests when I was Catholic. They were not very understanding in my view, I guess I (as a scrupulous) was an added problem for them. I also suffered fear from being blasphemous at heart, of not loving God. This sometimes resurfaces too. I too feared the people I worked for will harm me or my reputation somehow. I have no compulsions now, but before I googled my name incessantly looking for slander online or whatever. It was a nightmare. I have to say that with the meds I am doing much better, that's why when someone here is complaining about OCD I am quick to recommend that. I was driving myself and my family nuts. Sometimes you have to think of the suffering you are provoking around, not only about you and your struggles and decisions, my family is much better if I am medicated. I am more of a Christian if I accept the help of the meds.

I had to look up scruples to see what you meant haha. It's not a common word here in the US. I've heard it, but only in one phrase, so, to me, it sounds weird haha.
Happy to hear at least some things are doing better and you're getting help. Unfortunately there seems to be no way to eliminate the symptoms of OCD, just minimize them. When i dated the woman with OCD i had to learn i could not deter or change her thoughts when her OCD kicked in. The most i could do was try to help her from spiraling out of control and help her through it. But there was no way to stop it, no matter what i said, no matter how logical.
It's good to consider the effect you have on others, just don't take it too far. Recognize that there's only so much you can worry about it. But it's a good sign, i believe, that you have thought of it.
Many on this site don't get OCD, and before i dated someone with it i didn't have much of an understanding either. But, yes, some people are particularly harsh about it. But anyone unwilling to stick with you likely doesn't truly care either. Particularly if they disappear quickly. So you may be better off without these individuals in your life.

Far as your past, God has forgiven. The end. Your suffering is self imposed. You are unwilling to let go of things God has already forgiven you for. You are, in essence, telling God "your forgiveness is not good enough". You may not be consciously thinking that, but by refusing to let go of things He has wiped away, that is the attitude.

You say right, I fear God's judgement instead of relying on His Love. I am taking severe note of what you say. This is indeed an attitude that I don't like and I am determined to change it. God will help me sure through this.

God forgave Saul. Remade him and named him Paul. Paul wrote most of the New Testament. But when he was known as Saul his goal was to murder all Christian. Genocide of Christians. Paul was, in essence, a mass murderer full a pride and arrogance trying to stand against God. Paul, who even after being saved, called himself 'the chief of all sinners'. If God not only forgave, but greatly used, a man who attempted to wipe His followers off of the earth do you really think your sins are so much greater? Do you think that God, who created everything, out to the farthest reaches of our known existence, is too weak to forgive you? Do you believe Christ was tortured, mocked and slowly murdered knowing you were unforgivable? God knew your every sin before you were born. He knew your every sin while Christ was on the cross dying for your sins. And yet you think God is incapable or unwilling to forgive? Then what was the purpose of the cross? What was the purpose of Christ defeating death?

You are so right. I really feel humbled by these questions. You are so right. And I will think of St. Paul more often. Jesus also forgave the adulteress. God is really merciful and the OCD is not letting me see it. I am determined to change that.

As long as you continue putting Yourself in this position you will never be happy. You can't reject God and His forgiveness over and over and over and expect to see God move.
Guilt is a tool of satan and you have opened the door wide for satan to hold you down. When you did not know God it made sense, something you seem to forget. But now that you know God you need to accept what He has given. Stop letting satan into your life and holding power over you, and instead let what God has already done work in your life.

From this moment on I will be determined to reject satan and his hideous thoughts of self-loathe about me. I may relapse (likely I will) but I will keep on fighting. I will remember my promise. Not listening to satan anymore, I don't want to.

María

For some weird reason it doesn't let me post with quote but I left the answer below for you Ugly thank you so much, God bless you endlessly.

Use "Reply With Quote" instead of "Reply". (=

With OCD, if you have time to think, you will be thinking about anything. Try studying the Bible in a way that keeps your mind away from old thoughts. Study verses about strength, discipline, obedience, forgetting the past. It may help. I pray, Father, that this person is healed of OCD if it is in your will,and their path is calmed and directed to you, in Jesus Christ name, amen.

Looking back on some of these statements i see that i was not considering them through OCD. But it seems you struggle with them apart from OCD, so i'm glad they were still able to be of use to you.

I will pray for you dear sister.I know that God loves you and I love you.Hugs <3