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Well... this is kind of a twofold thing with me that I need prayer for... so bear with me.
I'm kind of scared to even type this, because this is basically me opening up a lot of deep things to the CC world that I have kind of pushed down and hidden inside of me for a very long time. I'm not even sure if the internet is the right place to talk about all of this, but I've decided I need prayer for it, and the more prayer I get the better. Even still, just talking about a lot of this makes me on the verge of tears really. My baby niece is kind of a catalyst that is making all kinds of deep things inside of me kind of explode all at once lately, and so I need to just get prayer for it, because I do not know how to handle it anymore.
Well, the main thing I want everyone to pray for is my baby niece. I don't know the full details, but she has some type of breathing problem... and the doctors said she probably does not have very much longer to live. She is 5 months old and her name is Revielle, and she is the prettiest and cutest little baby girl I've ever seen. I love her so much... I love her like she is my own daughter... and it hurts to even talk about this. I don't know why this affects me like it does... but I really can't handle anything about her being sick at all, let alone the fact that she is suffering right now... it is killing me inside. I saw her the other day in the hospital and she was gasping for air while she was crying... and I literally lost it. I never ever cry... and I have faced a lot of things in my life... and seeing her suffer just destroyed me. I have been crying on and off for about a week over it... and this is not something that I ever do. I'm losing it over her... and I just keep praying she gets better. I ask that everyone else prays for her as well.
Anyway, I should probably get on with my second area and why I'm so distraught beyond the obvious reasons...
Ummm... Well, I was in the US Navy for about 5 years, and I have seen a lot of things that just... really... something that I don't think anyone should ever have to witness. I have witnessed so much death in my life that I'm not sure if it's anything normal. In the Navy... well.... this is going to make me cry typing this... but....
Ok... I'n the Navy I had a best friend. His name was Eric. We were coming back from New York City on our weekend liberty and going back to base, and I was driving in my car and he was driving ahead of me on his motorcycle. He umm... well there was this turn. He took the turn too fast and he didn't make it... he flew off his bike..... ummmm... well.... long story short... I ran to him and he.... he died in my arms. I called 911 immediately after I saw it and I held him, and he looked at me and he died. And I have hidden this inside of me for so long... I just... with my niece dying stuff like this just all came out at once. I never was able to face this... and I know I have to now for some reason... and... I need prayer from anyone that will do it. I really do. I can't ummm, I can't type this without crying and it's hard for me to do this. I just know I need help.
Anyway... I remember I was the one that had to tell his wife what had happened to him. He was only 22. She was 19... and they just had a baby daughter. I had to be there for her and his family... I spoke at the funeral...I had to be the strong one and be the shoulder for everyone else. I had no choice but to be the one that everyone cried on. I had to be strong for everyone, and I was. I held in my tears. I pushed this back for so long... and I learned how to be strong. I learned how to be numb to death. I have had so much of it in my life that I am usually just numb to it. I mourn... I feel it... but I don't feel it. I don't cry... and I always feel wrong that I can't cry about it... or at least I couldn't... but I didn't cry. I was numb...
Ummmm... beyond that... while in the navy I saw just a lot of bad things. There was a lot of stuff that really... just... it affects you. I remember when I had to shoot at someone while we were off the coast of a middle east country...umm...I'm not allowed to say where or what we were doing, it's classified stuff when it comes to submarines.... I don't know if I hit them or what happened to them... I didn't watch... I just know we were in danger and we had to shoot... and... I think about it sometimes... like... that person had a family probably.. they had parents... maybe a wife and kids... i mean I know they were evil and wanted to kill me and my friends but... its hard to really think about it like.. why people have such hate in the world... why people do that to each other... I don't know if I hurt them or killed them or anything... I didn't look I didn't want to.. it was kind of far away... but it bothers me.. but I learned to be strong to be numb and so... this is all just coming out now and it's not good... its why I need prayer... umm... .. but...One time I was on watch at a building... it's when you walk around.. check on people... it was a barracks in A school for kids that were getting kicked out for whatever reason. Once an hour you just walk around and make sure everything is ok. You rove around and then go back to your post until the next hour. The rove takes maybe 10 minutes.
Well... anyway... I walked in the boiler room and there was a guy who had hung himself.... and... well he was dead. I've always blamed myself for it... I mean I know it's not my fault... but... if only I would have just taken a second walk around the building I would have caught him in time. I got him down and gave him CPR I remember... and... he had no pulse and he just wasn't here anymore. He was gone.. but I tried. I tried.... and ummm, I kind of hid that deep down too. I've only told a few people in my life about this stuff... but I've been a complete mess... I haven't been able to think straight for a week now... I have a few people helping me like ashleyrachael and juliet has done a lot... but... I just ask for prayer from everyone. I hope that's ok. I hope this is ok and appropriate to write here... I'm not looking for pity please... really I don't want anyone telling me they are sorry or telling me anything... I don't want that and I don't need that. I just want your prayer. Keep it secret or something... I don't wanna talk I just want prayer please. You can tell me you are praying but... just... don't treat me different for any of this.
Anyway... there was another time... I was on a submarine... and well... a guy on my boat killed himself on there too. He shot himself through the head... and being in the military their bright idea was for us to clean up his splattered parts off the wall. I was low ranked at that time period... and well they gave that job to me and a couple other low ranked guys. That type of stuff just stays with you and it's not a good feeling. It's just morbid and makes you sick... but you grow numb to it. I grew numb to all death in my life because of things like this...
Umm, the same goes with my family. A lot of my family has died in my life very young. Half of my family passed away at very young ages... I mean not just my grandparents but people like my uncles and cousins. My cousin committed suicide... I loved him a lot and was always angry at him for it. I was really upset but... as I said I never cried about anything. I couldn't cry... I was numb because of my past. I hid everything and all of this so far down inside of me because I had to be strong for everyone else. Everyone else was distraught and destroyed by these things... and I had to be strong. That defined me and I clung to that. I held on to that as who I was. That made me get by... it helped me feel better... to feel ok... because I was strong. I wasn't the one crying, I wasn't the one who needed help... I was the one helping everyone else. I was there for them. That is who I have been and that is who I was. Everything just changed with my niece... and that's part of my prayer request... because I don't know what to do now.
My niece is dying guys... and... and I can't handle it. I'm crying right now typing this... and I don't really feel very manly saying it... I feel weak and vulnerable and completely opposite of what I used to be. I realize I am not a strong person now... I don't know. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who to be... I don't know what defines me now. I have nothing to cling onto anymore in myself for support. My niece is dying and for some reason her suffering just brought all my past out in droves ALL at once. There is so much death in my life... so much loss... so much pain... so much hurt... and all of these things that I buried deep down is coming out at once. I am an emotion wreck and I'm literally being torn to shreds by it. I'm losing my identity and I don't know who I am anymore because of it.
My niece is just a baby and she doesn't deserve this. She is suffering and it's destroying me to see it. Every other person that has died in my life... every single one... I was always upset... but I was numb to it too... I hid my emotions deep down so I didn't feel it... but every single one of them lived decent lives. They had their time on earth. I was ok eventually with that. My baby niece is only 5 months. She hasn't had time to live. She is just a baby and I feel like just hating God for it... I know I can't and I won't... but it's really just destroying me inside. If God wants to take her home... why doesn't he just do it already? Why is he letting my beautiful baby niece suffer? It is wrong. It is knocking me on my butt and completely tearing me to shreds. I want to scream at God for it... I want to scream at anyone and anything I can because this is WRONG and I can't handle it. No baby should have to deal with what she is doing. She is struggling just to breath... she is struggling with all she has just to take every little gasp of air... and I can't stop crying just thinking about it guys. I can't do this.... I don't know what to do.
God doesn't talk to me. He won't answer me. I scream to Him because I need to hear His voice right now. I'm a wreck and I've never been this destroyed by anything. Nothing that has ever happened to me in my past could ever compare to what I'm feeling right now with my beautiful baby niece.... I'm just... I'm not doing good.
I'm not depressed... nor suicidal (for anyone that worried... no I hate that... still mad at my cousin for that)... I don't think I'm depressed anyway... I'm just an emotion wreck and I'm torn to shreds over this.
Just please pray for me... and... don't judge me please. Don't pity me or feel bad or anything... I don't want that... I just want prayer. I know the power of prayer when a lot of people do it... so... Just help me with that guys. I appreciate it. All I ask is you pray for my niece... and if you have time then you can pray for me... but make sure you pray for her. I'll be ok, but she is my worry. She doesn't deserve to suffer, and God needs to fix this. He shouldn't be letting this happen to her and I want Him to fix this.
I'm sorry if this is hard to read for everyone. I'm an English major.. I'm usually big on grammar and spelling and everything... this is all bad but... I can't really think straight right now lol so... it's all jumbled and bad... oh well
I'm kind of scared to even type this, because this is basically me opening up a lot of deep things to the CC world that I have kind of pushed down and hidden inside of me for a very long time. I'm not even sure if the internet is the right place to talk about all of this, but I've decided I need prayer for it, and the more prayer I get the better. Even still, just talking about a lot of this makes me on the verge of tears really. My baby niece is kind of a catalyst that is making all kinds of deep things inside of me kind of explode all at once lately, and so I need to just get prayer for it, because I do not know how to handle it anymore.
Well, the main thing I want everyone to pray for is my baby niece. I don't know the full details, but she has some type of breathing problem... and the doctors said she probably does not have very much longer to live. She is 5 months old and her name is Revielle, and she is the prettiest and cutest little baby girl I've ever seen. I love her so much... I love her like she is my own daughter... and it hurts to even talk about this. I don't know why this affects me like it does... but I really can't handle anything about her being sick at all, let alone the fact that she is suffering right now... it is killing me inside. I saw her the other day in the hospital and she was gasping for air while she was crying... and I literally lost it. I never ever cry... and I have faced a lot of things in my life... and seeing her suffer just destroyed me. I have been crying on and off for about a week over it... and this is not something that I ever do. I'm losing it over her... and I just keep praying she gets better. I ask that everyone else prays for her as well.
Anyway, I should probably get on with my second area and why I'm so distraught beyond the obvious reasons...
Ummm... Well, I was in the US Navy for about 5 years, and I have seen a lot of things that just... really... something that I don't think anyone should ever have to witness. I have witnessed so much death in my life that I'm not sure if it's anything normal. In the Navy... well.... this is going to make me cry typing this... but....
Ok... I'n the Navy I had a best friend. His name was Eric. We were coming back from New York City on our weekend liberty and going back to base, and I was driving in my car and he was driving ahead of me on his motorcycle. He umm... well there was this turn. He took the turn too fast and he didn't make it... he flew off his bike..... ummmm... well.... long story short... I ran to him and he.... he died in my arms. I called 911 immediately after I saw it and I held him, and he looked at me and he died. And I have hidden this inside of me for so long... I just... with my niece dying stuff like this just all came out at once. I never was able to face this... and I know I have to now for some reason... and... I need prayer from anyone that will do it. I really do. I can't ummm, I can't type this without crying and it's hard for me to do this. I just know I need help.
Anyway... I remember I was the one that had to tell his wife what had happened to him. He was only 22. She was 19... and they just had a baby daughter. I had to be there for her and his family... I spoke at the funeral...I had to be the strong one and be the shoulder for everyone else. I had no choice but to be the one that everyone cried on. I had to be strong for everyone, and I was. I held in my tears. I pushed this back for so long... and I learned how to be strong. I learned how to be numb to death. I have had so much of it in my life that I am usually just numb to it. I mourn... I feel it... but I don't feel it. I don't cry... and I always feel wrong that I can't cry about it... or at least I couldn't... but I didn't cry. I was numb...
Ummmm... beyond that... while in the navy I saw just a lot of bad things. There was a lot of stuff that really... just... it affects you. I remember when I had to shoot at someone while we were off the coast of a middle east country...umm...I'm not allowed to say where or what we were doing, it's classified stuff when it comes to submarines.... I don't know if I hit them or what happened to them... I didn't watch... I just know we were in danger and we had to shoot... and... I think about it sometimes... like... that person had a family probably.. they had parents... maybe a wife and kids... i mean I know they were evil and wanted to kill me and my friends but... its hard to really think about it like.. why people have such hate in the world... why people do that to each other... I don't know if I hurt them or killed them or anything... I didn't look I didn't want to.. it was kind of far away... but it bothers me.. but I learned to be strong to be numb and so... this is all just coming out now and it's not good... its why I need prayer... umm... .. but...One time I was on watch at a building... it's when you walk around.. check on people... it was a barracks in A school for kids that were getting kicked out for whatever reason. Once an hour you just walk around and make sure everything is ok. You rove around and then go back to your post until the next hour. The rove takes maybe 10 minutes.
Well... anyway... I walked in the boiler room and there was a guy who had hung himself.... and... well he was dead. I've always blamed myself for it... I mean I know it's not my fault... but... if only I would have just taken a second walk around the building I would have caught him in time. I got him down and gave him CPR I remember... and... he had no pulse and he just wasn't here anymore. He was gone.. but I tried. I tried.... and ummm, I kind of hid that deep down too. I've only told a few people in my life about this stuff... but I've been a complete mess... I haven't been able to think straight for a week now... I have a few people helping me like ashleyrachael and juliet has done a lot... but... I just ask for prayer from everyone. I hope that's ok. I hope this is ok and appropriate to write here... I'm not looking for pity please... really I don't want anyone telling me they are sorry or telling me anything... I don't want that and I don't need that. I just want your prayer. Keep it secret or something... I don't wanna talk I just want prayer please. You can tell me you are praying but... just... don't treat me different for any of this.
Anyway... there was another time... I was on a submarine... and well... a guy on my boat killed himself on there too. He shot himself through the head... and being in the military their bright idea was for us to clean up his splattered parts off the wall. I was low ranked at that time period... and well they gave that job to me and a couple other low ranked guys. That type of stuff just stays with you and it's not a good feeling. It's just morbid and makes you sick... but you grow numb to it. I grew numb to all death in my life because of things like this...
Umm, the same goes with my family. A lot of my family has died in my life very young. Half of my family passed away at very young ages... I mean not just my grandparents but people like my uncles and cousins. My cousin committed suicide... I loved him a lot and was always angry at him for it. I was really upset but... as I said I never cried about anything. I couldn't cry... I was numb because of my past. I hid everything and all of this so far down inside of me because I had to be strong for everyone else. Everyone else was distraught and destroyed by these things... and I had to be strong. That defined me and I clung to that. I held on to that as who I was. That made me get by... it helped me feel better... to feel ok... because I was strong. I wasn't the one crying, I wasn't the one who needed help... I was the one helping everyone else. I was there for them. That is who I have been and that is who I was. Everything just changed with my niece... and that's part of my prayer request... because I don't know what to do now.
My niece is dying guys... and... and I can't handle it. I'm crying right now typing this... and I don't really feel very manly saying it... I feel weak and vulnerable and completely opposite of what I used to be. I realize I am not a strong person now... I don't know. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who to be... I don't know what defines me now. I have nothing to cling onto anymore in myself for support. My niece is dying and for some reason her suffering just brought all my past out in droves ALL at once. There is so much death in my life... so much loss... so much pain... so much hurt... and all of these things that I buried deep down is coming out at once. I am an emotion wreck and I'm literally being torn to shreds by it. I'm losing my identity and I don't know who I am anymore because of it.
My niece is just a baby and she doesn't deserve this. She is suffering and it's destroying me to see it. Every other person that has died in my life... every single one... I was always upset... but I was numb to it too... I hid my emotions deep down so I didn't feel it... but every single one of them lived decent lives. They had their time on earth. I was ok eventually with that. My baby niece is only 5 months. She hasn't had time to live. She is just a baby and I feel like just hating God for it... I know I can't and I won't... but it's really just destroying me inside. If God wants to take her home... why doesn't he just do it already? Why is he letting my beautiful baby niece suffer? It is wrong. It is knocking me on my butt and completely tearing me to shreds. I want to scream at God for it... I want to scream at anyone and anything I can because this is WRONG and I can't handle it. No baby should have to deal with what she is doing. She is struggling just to breath... she is struggling with all she has just to take every little gasp of air... and I can't stop crying just thinking about it guys. I can't do this.... I don't know what to do.
God doesn't talk to me. He won't answer me. I scream to Him because I need to hear His voice right now. I'm a wreck and I've never been this destroyed by anything. Nothing that has ever happened to me in my past could ever compare to what I'm feeling right now with my beautiful baby niece.... I'm just... I'm not doing good.
I'm not depressed... nor suicidal (for anyone that worried... no I hate that... still mad at my cousin for that)... I don't think I'm depressed anyway... I'm just an emotion wreck and I'm torn to shreds over this.
Just please pray for me... and... don't judge me please. Don't pity me or feel bad or anything... I don't want that... I just want prayer. I know the power of prayer when a lot of people do it... so... Just help me with that guys. I appreciate it. All I ask is you pray for my niece... and if you have time then you can pray for me... but make sure you pray for her. I'll be ok, but she is my worry. She doesn't deserve to suffer, and God needs to fix this. He shouldn't be letting this happen to her and I want Him to fix this.
I'm sorry if this is hard to read for everyone. I'm an English major.. I'm usually big on grammar and spelling and everything... this is all bad but... I can't really think straight right now lol so... it's all jumbled and bad... oh well
) to hear that other people deal with it and are ok. I'm doing okay with it though now, and I'm far less... emotional... then I was! It just took me some time I think. My niece is still fighting... so.. I'm still praying and still hoping. Thanks for the prayers everyone. God Bless