Maybe can't edit the first post of a thread :
For as long as I remember, maybe 10 years now, I've gone to sleep thinking "Was that all?" and woke up thinking "Not this again." I've wanted to stop breathing. In my short, one page suicide note I wrote all the ways people don't connect to one another other than Family. I wrote about how my family aren't affectionate ; intimacy is more of a request than a mandate. I know murder and suicide are high on the list of sins we humans can make but I've been struggling for a very long time. I'm not saying I don't have friends and I'm not saying I don't have people who care about me - I'm just aware people will never be close to me or truly ... I guess what society describes as a " soulmate " is the closest idea in my head. Shallow insignificant relationships is basically all I have in my life.
Anyway, that's where I am at, mentally. I went to a hospital and mental health treatment center thing last week.