A food disorder, just the opposite way

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ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
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Arizona
#1
(For one sentence summary, skip to the last line. There's a lot of stuff in here.)

I am killing myself eating too much.

I mean it's kind of really dramatic to say it that way. But I guess, to be honest, that's kind of what it boils down to. I'm currently 300lbs and prediabetic. I take medication for my OCD that also have a side effect of weight gain. I have a lot of things going against me. But God is good, and He's letting me see just how serious this is. My parents have been telling me for years, "you need to lose weight." I ignored it. And not like blatantly like I didn't believe them, but I just didn't....want to I guess? I mean it's hard.

Another big reason, which not everyone knows about, is that I kind of had a big weight loss happen when I was in the beginning of my realization that I needed medication to function.

This was taken by me within the last month (pardon the silly editing.)





This is me during that time, 7 years ago.





It makes me uncomfortable to look at them. Not because of the weight loss, but because of how it was lost. You see, when I was having panic attacks, my stomach would respond by having me get sick. And I don't mean bulimic, I mean running to the bathroom. Because of that, I lost probably around 30 pounds in a few months.
But the worst part, the very worst, was what people said.

"You look great."

It made me so upset. Of course they had no idea, and I would tell them, "Thank you but I've been losing weight because of _____" and they would usually respond with a quick, "Oh......but you look good though." And so like a fool, once I had things together in my mind I decided it was time to take back control of my eating. I wanted to eat what I wanted, because I finally could.

And another thing, a thing that not many people know also, was how I viewed food. When I was dealing with my OCD, I often would focus on works alone of my Christian walk. Every food I ate, every bite I took, I wondered if I should be fasting. Now I know that I can't, because if I don't get regular food and sleep, my mental state kind of fluctuates. Which may have been God's way of saying "Steph, it's ok, take care of yourself. Cool it." But at the time this would often result in me feeling guilty every time I ate anything and everything. I would often be crying as I ate. Not in public of course. It took me ages to get over that. I still have thoughts every so often of, by eating certain things, I am committing a sin against God.

So, unfortunately, food becomes a very overly emotionally charged thing for me. I associate it with belonging, fellowship, enjoyment, as well as self-loathing, condemnation, and guilt.

It's sad that I find myself more willing to share this entire struggle with strangers as opposed to my family, friends, ect. But I think I fear their judgement too much. Their pity. I'm gonna seek help for this, like professional help. There is an actual OA (overeaters annonymous) like an AA, so I'm gonna start seeking out help that way. Please pray that God helps me to get over this. This is not a short term fix, this is not a lifestyle change, this is a "let God change who you are from the inside out because you may literally kill yourself over time" thing.

Please pray that God will help me be healthy, whatever weight or food lyfestyle. That is the goal, long term.
 

WineRose

Senior Member
Jan 3, 2017
3,631
265
83
Row A, Column 9
#2
Sure :)

Also...3 years ago in Malaysia, I weighed 5 kg less than I do now, but I look almost exactly the same as I did in that time!!! In fact, I kinda look a little leaner than I did before! Maybe because of muscle gain...?
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
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#3
Yeah I know I noticed that when you're more muscular it makes you look stouter, but you can be a lot more thin
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
6,194
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#4
Well, I haven't gotten much verbal support on this one but at least I know people have seen it.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#5
Hi Steph, it's good that you understand what is happening and the
need to deal with this. The support group sounds a great idea.

I have a very dear friend who is an emotional food addict, due to
issues in her childhood. As a result she put on lots of weight and over the years
it had caused lots of serious health issues for her.

Last year she had a gastric bypass and lost loads of weight I wouldn't
recommend it though as she had a year of problems due to the surgery she also
had counselling and came to terms with a lot of things in her life.

You are one step ahead, you seem to know the why and what of the problem and
you are nowhere near as big as she was. Your picture by the way, isn't doesn't look
as bad as you think, you are a beautiful smiley cute person. :)

Its good to lose some weight though if its effecting your health and I pray that
you will find the support and help you need to do it in a healthy way, both physically
and emotionally.

God bless
x
 

Desertsrose

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2016
2,824
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#6
Hi Stef,


I will be praying for God to help you with all of this. You can't get help until you admit you need help, so good for you!!! You're taking the first step toward a healthier you.


God bless you, Stef! :)
 

JosephsDreams

Senior Member
Dec 31, 2015
4,313
467
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#7
If you have not already done so, make it a spiritual issue.
The power of Jesus through prayer can overcome anything.
Rely completely on Him.

If you can do it, you should probably go on a raw fruit/ raw veggie/ raw juice fast for 3 or 4 weeks. Doing this has long term positive inplications.

You are in a spiritual ( as well as physical emotional psychological) battle here.

And up to now satan is getting the better of you.

Will pray for you.
 

levi85

Senior Member
Jul 2, 2013
8,578
2,180
113
#8
Father God bless ArtsieSteph, in this matter. In Jesus Holy name, Amen!
 

ArtsieSteph

Senior Member
Apr 1, 2014
6,194
1,319
113
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Arizona
#9
Welp, looks like I may have to go to physical meetings. I tried an online one, and the way it was done and managed was really, really weird. Unfortunately I find myself getting kind of a weird culty vibe? I think that the founder of the thing was Christian but the way it's structured it's like "you must do this, this, and this." Like it's like waaaaaaaaay over structured. I dunno. Like it had this thing talking about what was an overeater and it kept repeating "You are at OA, welcome home." Weird.

I'll try an actual in person meeting to see if I can do that.