(For one sentence summary, skip to the last line. There's a lot of stuff in here.)
I am killing myself eating too much.
I mean it's kind of really dramatic to say it that way. But I guess, to be honest, that's kind of what it boils down to. I'm currently 300lbs and prediabetic. I take medication for my OCD that also have a side effect of weight gain. I have a lot of things going against me. But God is good, and He's letting me see just how serious this is. My parents have been telling me for years, "you need to lose weight." I ignored it. And not like blatantly like I didn't believe them, but I just didn't....want to I guess? I mean it's hard.
Another big reason, which not everyone knows about, is that I kind of had a big weight loss happen when I was in the beginning of my realization that I needed medication to function.
This was taken by me within the last month (pardon the silly editing.)
This is me during that time, 7 years ago.
It makes me uncomfortable to look at them. Not because of the weight loss, but because of how it was lost. You see, when I was having panic attacks, my stomach would respond by having me get sick. And I don't mean bulimic, I mean running to the bathroom. Because of that, I lost probably around 30 pounds in a few months.
But the worst part, the very worst, was what people said.
"You look great."
It made me so upset. Of course they had no idea, and I would tell them, "Thank you but I've been losing weight because of _____" and they would usually respond with a quick, "Oh......but you look good though." And so like a fool, once I had things together in my mind I decided it was time to take back control of my eating. I wanted to eat what I wanted, because I finally could.
And another thing, a thing that not many people know also, was how I viewed food. When I was dealing with my OCD, I often would focus on works alone of my Christian walk. Every food I ate, every bite I took, I wondered if I should be fasting. Now I know that I can't, because if I don't get regular food and sleep, my mental state kind of fluctuates. Which may have been God's way of saying "Steph, it's ok, take care of yourself. Cool it." But at the time this would often result in me feeling guilty every time I ate anything and everything. I would often be crying as I ate. Not in public of course. It took me ages to get over that. I still have thoughts every so often of, by eating certain things, I am committing a sin against God.
So, unfortunately, food becomes a very overly emotionally charged thing for me. I associate it with belonging, fellowship, enjoyment, as well as self-loathing, condemnation, and guilt.
It's sad that I find myself more willing to share this entire struggle with strangers as opposed to my family, friends, ect. But I think I fear their judgement too much. Their pity. I'm gonna seek help for this, like professional help. There is an actual OA (overeaters annonymous) like an AA, so I'm gonna start seeking out help that way. Please pray that God helps me to get over this. This is not a short term fix, this is not a lifestyle change, this is a "let God change who you are from the inside out because you may literally kill yourself over time" thing.
Please pray that God will help me be healthy, whatever weight or food lyfestyle. That is the goal, long term.
I am killing myself eating too much.
I mean it's kind of really dramatic to say it that way. But I guess, to be honest, that's kind of what it boils down to. I'm currently 300lbs and prediabetic. I take medication for my OCD that also have a side effect of weight gain. I have a lot of things going against me. But God is good, and He's letting me see just how serious this is. My parents have been telling me for years, "you need to lose weight." I ignored it. And not like blatantly like I didn't believe them, but I just didn't....want to I guess? I mean it's hard.
Another big reason, which not everyone knows about, is that I kind of had a big weight loss happen when I was in the beginning of my realization that I needed medication to function.
This was taken by me within the last month (pardon the silly editing.)
This is me during that time, 7 years ago.
It makes me uncomfortable to look at them. Not because of the weight loss, but because of how it was lost. You see, when I was having panic attacks, my stomach would respond by having me get sick. And I don't mean bulimic, I mean running to the bathroom. Because of that, I lost probably around 30 pounds in a few months.
But the worst part, the very worst, was what people said.
"You look great."
It made me so upset. Of course they had no idea, and I would tell them, "Thank you but I've been losing weight because of _____" and they would usually respond with a quick, "Oh......but you look good though." And so like a fool, once I had things together in my mind I decided it was time to take back control of my eating. I wanted to eat what I wanted, because I finally could.
And another thing, a thing that not many people know also, was how I viewed food. When I was dealing with my OCD, I often would focus on works alone of my Christian walk. Every food I ate, every bite I took, I wondered if I should be fasting. Now I know that I can't, because if I don't get regular food and sleep, my mental state kind of fluctuates. Which may have been God's way of saying "Steph, it's ok, take care of yourself. Cool it." But at the time this would often result in me feeling guilty every time I ate anything and everything. I would often be crying as I ate. Not in public of course. It took me ages to get over that. I still have thoughts every so often of, by eating certain things, I am committing a sin against God.
So, unfortunately, food becomes a very overly emotionally charged thing for me. I associate it with belonging, fellowship, enjoyment, as well as self-loathing, condemnation, and guilt.
It's sad that I find myself more willing to share this entire struggle with strangers as opposed to my family, friends, ect. But I think I fear their judgement too much. Their pity. I'm gonna seek help for this, like professional help. There is an actual OA (overeaters annonymous) like an AA, so I'm gonna start seeking out help that way. Please pray that God helps me to get over this. This is not a short term fix, this is not a lifestyle change, this is a "let God change who you are from the inside out because you may literally kill yourself over time" thing.
Please pray that God will help me be healthy, whatever weight or food lyfestyle. That is the goal, long term.