Solemn. Plain-spoken.

No poetry. No fancy language.
I'm going broke. My spirit is drained. Constantly stifled by depression. I've been cut off from everything for too long. cant figure out how to get back into the game. i am languishing with no clue how or when this period of super lonely inertia will end. every dollar i spend makes me feel more desperate. trying to self-care too. i take 3 meds. no health insurance. Got shorted $300 on tax returns that i really could've used because i didn't have health insurance half the year and had to pay penalty. i dont feel or discern a direction. i cant go back to the teaching career. it damaged me. drove me to the end of my wits. my counselor said another year would be potentially lethal. i wouldnt have survived so badly i had gotten. drinking, self-medicating, beaten down into total despair. if it hadnt killed me literally, any trace of my spirit or will to live would have been sucked dry. i wouldve had a breakdown. wouldve quit and probably checked into facility. i even had a psychiatric eval performed. i suffer severe depression, mood disorder/possible bipolar, adhd. im a wreck. i throw my resume out there. apply to part time esl jobs, writing jobs indiscriminately without any real target. no plan. I need God's direction. some say im pathetic. that i need to just figure it out on my own and not sit around waiting for God. I feel more depressed and desperate every day it seems. i dont know how to rescue myself. Lord rescue me. Hear my prayer. I need serious help right now.

Will lift you up in prayer.

hoping you have friends,family and church support during this time of trials.

Have you thought of just getting a mindless drone type job like in Wal-Mart or something?

Something to pay the bills but not as emotionally draining as teaching?

I'm so sorry that you're having difficulties.. There's a lot I'd like to say but can't think of how to word it all.. Going through some difficulties myself too.. But I'm definitely praying for you and your life, your soul, peace/Shalom, direction, relationship with God, your all round well-being behind the scenes here..

10 years ago, I went through a similar situation, I was a nursing asst, set to go get qualified.. My life was all planned out.. Whoah, then.. So.much.went.wrong... It affected me badly.. Even started drinking too.. I got into a bad state.. Little did I know then that Jesus was calling me.. He's saved me since then... If I only knew that I just had to surrender, to Him.. But I was clinging onto what I thought was my lifeline - my job!! My own expectations of how things should be going, cos I had it all figured out right ??
Not sure why I'm sharing this. Nor where it's going.. Thing is, I took,so many detours.. That now I realise, turning to Christ, The Father, and being led by The Holy Spirit helps,so much... Not saying all the problems will be solved overnight, but doing that, going to Him... On a ongoing basis .. Every new day.. It's better than taking detours.. Or doing things from our own understanding... Or even listening to others... .. Especially if they're lacking compassion or understanding.. When people say, oh make a move without waiting on God... Noooooo, waiting on God, letting patience have her perfect work.. Getting wisdom, and in getting wisdom, get understanding too.. Where's wisdom come from??? Above.... From The Father.. Ask, he's very generous with it.. It may help you... Get some clarity, and spiritual refreshment to see a way forward.. and through...

You remind me of a good friend from a few years back, anyway I'm praying for you. Don't worry what people label you.. It's what God Most High sees in you that counts.. He'll see potential in you.. He made you!!! No-one should call anyone pathetic.. Please don't see yourself that way..

On on a practical note, have you considered volunteering, to keep you in the game.. On a non commital, no pressure basis.. Keep your skills up... What matters is your health.. Sometimes a setback is Gods redirection... To where you're meant to be.. And a reshaping from The Potter into the person you're meant to be... Hold on, keep the Faith... Jesus cares for you. The Good Shepherd. The Great Physician,

Will be be praying for you. Take care, be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself too.. Pace yourself... His mercies are new every new day. Praying for you to get some good nights sleeps, and for comfort from God to fill you. God bless you.

praying for you, I am sorry for you. I decided to make a career change that seemed impossible and it has worked out so far (it took along time though). I have a job that pays the bills now and I am working on moving in to a job I really like in the next few months. Have you considered coding? *some* programming areas are things you can break into without a degree in computer science (possible example web design).

Father God, bless depecheu10 and this prayer. Let you refresh his spirit heal his body and bless his lives. Lord please bless depecheur, in Jesus gracious name, Amen!

Dpecheur10, After reading your posts, I can see that you are completely consumed in your own world of dark, despairing, faithless thinking. This very "mindset" is going to keep you locked in your "old self made mental prison". This is clearly what you are choosing from day to day, and as a result your life is reaping a harvest of "lack" in all areas of your life. No one can take the steps of faith for you, as the old saying to true..."You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make him drink" Many prayers & words of wisdom & direction in the Lord has been given to you, but yet you insist on still wallowing in self & all the lack and desperation that follows. Jesus knows the way to life & peace, and more importantly eternal life. Jesus is calling you to Himself, as He is able to bring wholeness & healing to you. The choice is yours? either you can say "Jesus I Trust You" & I'm ready to leave this old life behind, OR you can continue down this same old path of wallowing in self pity. Find a bible & read through Psalms & Gospel of John. Feed your spirit & mind with new life & truth, as this with help to renew your mind & rid it of all the negativity. If you are truly wanting a change in your life & want Jesus to lead the way, then take the step of faith towards your heavenly Father.

Mathew 6:28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

violet-
whatever im not doing that i should do i am trying to do and if im not doing it it is for reasons i dont know, ive said the prayer u mention over. i am reading the word over and over. my world is small and dark. i'm not wallowing in 'self-pity'-- that's a meaningless phrase to me. when u r on the verge of being totally broke and have nothing going and it causes anguish and anxiety and u r alone without friends or family members who care and then i actively seek the wisdom the knowledge the support etc etc etc to get better-- that's self-pity? excuse me, but i object to that kind of disparaging remark. darkness despair solitude. true true true. for 2.5 years i lived n moscow russia as a teacher-- a foreign country-- in a very large city where i didnt know anyone and didnt know the language and lived through 3 supremely bleak long winters. very much of the time was spent in solitude. not by choice. i could share all the details but not going to here. too long. but let me put it like this--- hundreds, thousands of hours spent alone. drinking booze as a way of numbing myself. is that feeling sorry for myself. it's called being by yourself and feeling miserable. but suddenly that simple fact gets turned into a self-indulgent pity party as though i were invited somewhere and said no i dont want to go i need to stay and wallow in my pity cuz that's what i prefer. 4 years after this in a career overloaded with work stress being criticized here there all around. failing. 3 of those years in a very remote town of 1200 people in marijuana growing country where i taught 4 different subjects every single day. i came home feeling horrible. did i want to feel horrible? no. so i turned to drinking to smoking pot to popping pills all to cope. i wasnt seeking God like i should. i had NOT ONE FRIEND there NO ONE to talk to. and yes i made the effort. if u knew the story u'd see how bad it was. and so every weekend basically- almost every weekend for 3 years was spent by myself in that house. could i have gone out yes. i still wouldve been alone. i was drained. i had no energy. i fell apart. why am i in my present circumstances-- because i got out of those ones. i quit drinking, quit smoking pot. ive been working to turn my life around. i dont know what im doing. and now i realize if i seek help and write out prayers in sincere words saying everything i mean not hoping to elicit PITY, but asking for PRAYER- trying to do-- WANTING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. one more time--- I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING. but i cant express myself honestly without being told im 'wallowing in self-pity.' i guess if any person is suffering from their depression, loneliness, and despair-- WHICH THEY DONT WANT AND FIGHT TO GET RID OF-- but simply suffering-== and being alone-- and talking about it candidly-- that is equated with self-pity. yes, self-pity, the easiest indoor sport. im not interested in playing it. im looking for-- praying for real transformation. why cant i do that without being berated as someone who wishes to marinate in the filth of their own existence when nothing can be further from the truth.

Answer I gave some time back on quora to the following question someone asked:
Do people realize that "stop feeling sorry for yourself" is the worst thing they can say to a person with depression?

[FONT=q_serif]I do. I realize it because I know loneliness and depression better than I know anything else life has had to teach me. Perhaps this vacuous phrase is not the ‘worst’ of the worst things that can be said necessarily, but I know what you mean. But it’s definitely one of the worst expressions thrown out far too often. In my opinion it’s one of the most worthless platitudes that has been normalized and adopted with a kind of unreflective alacrity for unsympathetic people to direct at a person who is suffering from loneliness. I think it is an absolutely meaningless statement that has nothing of value to offer anyone. It certainly has never been helpful to me. Not when I’m suffering from loneliness or depression. It reflects nothing in my mind except dismissive indifference.[/FONT]
[FONT=q_serif]Sure there are some instances of people who might showboat their feelings of sadness or go to excessively dramatic lengths in order to impress upon others how sad they are— and maybe sometimes they will win a small bit of pity, but more often you’ll hear something like this stuff about feeling sorry for yourself. At best I suppose if it means to stop focusing so much on one’s sadness, it could have some sort of rationale. Too much self-focus can certainly prolong and exacerbate the problem, but nevertheless, to simply cease all at once focusing on what is gnawing and tormenting you inside 24/7— easier said than done. And even when this is the message people are essentially trying to communicate, in that case it should be worded differently and stop being spouted out with the same regularity as other tripe like, “the grass is always greener,” “you still have your health,” “things could be worse,” “get over it,” “move on with life,” or “look on the bright side.” It sounds like a statement of blame and insult as though anyone wants to be sad. As though loneliness or depression were somehow the emotional cesspool into which a person deliberately chose to be submerged in, to wallow and suffer in, without an inkling of human comfort.[/FONT]
[FONT=q_serif]Indeed I totally detest this phrase, but moreover I am perturbed by the larger, underlying truth couched within such a popular banality like “Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” and that is that people simply don’t know what it’s like to feel that way and often really don’t care to understand. A lot of people just want their sunshine and paycheck, their hamburger and fries, their TV shows and their Budweiser. Who among this easygoing crowd wishing to go about their daily lives unobstructed wants to be troubled with your sadness? It’s a nuisance of white noise disrupting their complacent flow.[/FONT]
[FONT=q_serif]People can keep reciting this locution about others feeling sorry for themselves all they want. Little does it matter that even if it could mean well or have some iota of truthfulness (at least in their minds), it fails to even begin addressing the real problem and certainly does nothing to remedy it. The way I see it, responding to someone’s depression with words such as these does nothing at all to demonstrate any kind of compassion for the sufferings of others.[/FONT]
[FONT=q_serif]Well, so be it. There’s little we can do about this except give our own best effortsbto be understanding and to show compassion for those who are seeking help from others. Give the person a dime or a broken toothbrush and you’d be doing more for them than anything like telling them to stop feeling sorry for themselves. Yes, and stop being single and stop having financial problems and stop using drugs and stop drinking. That’s all we need to say to help the person fix the problem, right?[/FONT]
[FONT=q_serif]And for those who find it inconvenient to hear about your suffering, for those who feel “bothered” or “annoyed” by any attempt to open up and be honest with people about their depression, sadness, loneliness, etc. (often as more of distress signal or a cry for help), if only they realized how lucky they are to simply be ‘bothered’ or ‘annoyed’ by other people’s pain. If only people who suffer chronic depression and constant loneliness could be so lucky. I know that I have never been bothered or annoyed by the pain of depression or loneliness— no, I have been totally devastated by it. Nearly destroyed in every every possible sense. When you suffer from depression or loneliness or both (as the two are often interrelated) and there is no one who understands what is going on with you, you are in fact suffering “by yourself.”[/FONT]
[FONT=q_serif]I don’t know if or when I have ever felt “sorry for” myself. I suppose that really has no relevance to me or if has much relevance to anyone. No. Feeling sorry for myself seems a useless notion to me. Indeed a woeful misconstruction that helps the people who avail themselves of the phrase maintain order in their own worlds without the taint of your sadness interfering. What I do know, however, what I know all too well— is how much it hurts when I have no other choice in the depths of my depression, in the isolation of my loneliness except to suffer “by myself.” By myself. All alone. And sometimes that’s just how it is. No need to add guilt or add insult to injury by uttering such crap about feeling sorry for yourself. If only they knew how bad enough it is to feel sad and to suffer “by yourself”.[/FONT]

Luke 1:37...

The Lord does hear your prayer and answers are on the way! All of us are praying for you! You've done the right thing by joining Christian Chat! Keep talking here! I appreciate your candidness and keeping it real.

Re the career/job issue: ESL teaching is such a great opportunity! I have a friend who is doing it! I looked into it myself but I am SOOOO not a morning person, and most want someone available 4 a.m.-10 a.m. my time, which is like after school/evenings in China. Have you written a list of all ESL options and contacted each? What happened? Did you follow up? If you're getting no callbacks, your resume may be revealing something negative (but what?). You are perfectly qualified! Keep pushing for it. Regarding writing...I am a freelance writer, and have been for 15 years. It's a tough market now. Tough enough that I took a 'regular' job to supplement, whereas 15 years ago I made plenty to be the sole support for the household of kids! That said, I recommend 'UpWork'. You'll create a profile and bid against others. Bid low and do afew for pretty much not much money, just get your name out there (come up with a creative name-buyers like that). That's the best marketplace there is. I also work through Fiverr. That's a challenge.

Finances: Your God shall supply all your needs. This is just a season of life. You'll make money again! I've been where you are, including owing the IRS, having no health insurance etc. Focus on getting the job and the rest will begin to fall into place.

I assume you are in counseling? I'd suggest having the counselor help you map out a weekly action plan, of specific steps you can take. Curious-did you end up with a diagnosis (mood disorder etc)? I ask, because there are job placement services available possibly, through the Dept. of Vocational Rehabilitation. (I used to run a placement agency, before turning to full-time mommying and writing.) The Dept. of Rehab can help you each step of the way, including possible retraining.

Ok-these are just some thoughts. The danger of being experienced in your particular situation is that I could get wordy! Praying for you! Keep talking..we are all here to pray for you and encourage you and sometimes, the Lord rescues us through people

Thank you for this Grace. I appreciate your thoughtful response and the very concrete suggestions you offer for me. I actually did hear of UpWork not long ago and I believe I went on there, but I'm might be thinking of something else. But I am familiar with it and will check it out again. I have also gone on some freelancing sites, some of which use bidding as well. I haven't had any "luck," if that's what we should call it. I always believed it would be very difficult to survive strictly as a writer and the more I look into it, the more that is confirmed... I have yet to earn a single dime for any of my writing. But I know that writing is my #1 skill. As a high school teacher I was a total failure. That experience ended horribly.

I have looked at and applied for many different kinds of ESL jobs, most of which are part-time. I believe my resume is pretty good and have gotten a lot of positive feedback on it, but sadly no really good offers. I was starting to go through an interview process a couple weeks ago with one of the online schools, I forget the name, but one of the more popular ones based in China. I withdrew my candidacy once I realized how unreasonable their demands were and how poor the reviews were. It did not seem a valuable use of time, especially because of how many steps they wanted me to complete before even offering me the job, and it also seemed like a position in which teachers were almost set up for failure and you couldn't feel assured about receiving decent compensation, or that they would dock your pay however they could.

But I am continuing to explore these options. As far as online schools go, I'm going to be more discriminate in the ones I consider. I would personally prefer to work for one that is not based in China. I have found too many unfair, underhanded and questionable practices to be customary with such companies.

I am diagnosed with a mood disorder (not positive to be BPD but very possible it is) as well as clinical depression, and ADHD. Worst of all I'm a highly sensitive man. I am not currently in counseling with a therapist, though I was up until a few months ago. I can no longer afford it. However, I am seeing a job coach and he is a kind Christian man. We do set up weekly plans for which he holds me accountable.

Anyways, thank you very much for your response. I will look into some of the things you told me. If you have any other ideas, please share. And thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

God bless you.

Violet--
I do want to make it clear that I greatly appreciate the effort you make in offering meaningful, soulful wisdom that I know comes from a godly, Christ-loving place of heart. I certainly accept and fully embrace the overall tenor of your message to me. I think the course of action you recommend is surely the best one in essence. The verses from Matthew 6, which is a favorite chapter of mine, were wonderfully chosen for me. If I overreacted or spoke from a place of anger, it is because of my own unsettled hurt that is eating up my energy every day in this monotonous downtime and a very negative response triggered by certain "you statements" you made in a way that sounds definitive and which I felt belittling, unnecessarily harsh and condemnatory. These ones in particular:

"This is clearly what you are choosing from day to day..."
"...you insist on still wallowing in self & all the lack and desperation that follows."
"OR you can continue down this same old path of wallowing in self pity."

This is not merely an issue of semantics or a petty sense of feeling "offended" by the choice of words. I take deep issue with the words and their implications. I especially do not like the term "self-pity." You don't have to agree with me, you don't have to share my point-of-view, but I find that term basically meaningless, with possible few exceptions as to when that might be properly applied, but for the most part as the term is directed at people as a form of reproach or condescension, I think it reflects a serious misunderstanding of the issue at its heart. Using verbs like "choose" and "insist on" also imply something that is at best a gross simplification of something more complex and at worst a kind of accusation that carries the weight of something like a "willful lifestyle embrace of one's suffering." Nothing could be further from the truth in my case. If you had a greater understanding of where I'm coming from, perhaps you would think of this differently. I know your words are all well-intended and to the extent that any of these particular phrases have any merit, I think they deserve a much more careful examination on what might behind any of it. Like consider why would I seek help, ask for prayer, lift up my own vehement prayers, express fervent need for transformation and surrender to the Lord's Will-- which you have acknowledged as the right path. If I'm struggling to make that happen, help me figure out where I'm going wrong. The last thing I want is to continue rotting like this. I hate the fact that I'm suffering and wasting my life. I hate it-- day in and day out. By no means am I insisting that I keep wallowing in despair and darkness-- I absolutely do not want to feel this way. I offer my life to God completely. I am on my knees praying, confessing my sins, repenting, asking for redemption, supplicating the Almighty to mold me and direct me in accordance with His will.
I hope I've helped clear something up and that we can still continue corresponding here. I just wanted to share my perspective. I apologize if my words came off the wrong way.

I am very sorry you are going through this. I can hear the loneliness in your post. It sounds like you've tried almost everything. But, maybe there is one other thing you can try.

When you look at Jesus's life, it totally went against how the world says we are supposed to be. In the world, you only do things for people if you know they can in turn repay you some how. Basically, the world says you are supposed to work your way to the top of the pyramid, and once you are at the top, you have it made. Jesus showed us what it meant to be a servant leader...basically, sitting at the bottom of an inverted pyramid, doing what you can to help those who can't possibly do anything to repay you.

With that in mind, have you considered volunteering somewhere? Maybe at an animal shelter or a thrift shop? There is something very uplifting about helping the less fortunate. Maybe something like that would bring you out of your funk. Who knows, it may even lead to something more permanent down the road.

Dpecheur10, Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Ephesians 3: 14-20 [h=3]Prayer for Spiritual Strength [SUP]14 [/SUP]For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, [SUP]15 [/SUP]from whom every family[SUP][a][/SUP] in heaven and on earth is named, [SUP]16 [/SUP]that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, [SUP]17 [/SUP]so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, [SUP]18 [/SUP]may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, [SUP]19 [/SUP]and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.[/h][SUP]20 [/SUP]Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us...Amen!

I agree, there really is something very strengthening when we get involved in volunteering, or finding a way to bless someone's day. Whether it be a neighbor, friend, family member or helping through your local church etc...I'm not sure if you are part of a church family where you can join a men's group for bible study, which would really help to build your faith in the Lord. Just know, you are not alone in your life. Jesus will never leave you! He loves you! He's will walk with you & fellowship with you all the days of your life, and then for all eternity! as we daily surrender our lives to Him.

Mathew 11:29 Rest for the Weary
…28Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”…

Here is a powerful teaching from Pastor Jimmy Evans "The overcoming life" Topic "Life Hurts" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gWS-tDCy98 I feel this will be very instrumental in helping you gain insight & understanding & wisdom from the Lord. It will encourage You too! God Bless You!