Lost

i dont know how to even begin this message. im at a point in my life where i dont care what others really think of me, in life or on this site. im not sure what im going to say on here so im gonna state now that if you are not interested in hearing the truth about a person who committed their life to Christ and their life became a living hell please dont read this any further.

im not on here to try and convince others to not follow Christ, cause personallly i dont care any longer what another person does, its not my business. that may come across as harsh but after 10 years of hell trusting in an imaginary savior, and experiencing more days where ive woke up wishing my life was over than looking forward to the day, then you might understand. i also know how this comes across, and already know the percieved BIAS by many on this site whose initial thought is well God is good, so then I must be the bad guy. it kinda sickens me how immediately everyone instantly gives God the benefit of the doubt. yet examine your own life... what has God really done for you? i mean really, maybe you made some new friends or something at church, or perhaps even some of you have experienced some big miracle and you can forever praise god for it. well what about those who havent, whose experienced only pain and heartache, or seen a child die for no reason.

why is it that soo many believe God really cares, but yet when you look at this world you see people who are hurting everyday, you see a child who has a mother addicted to crack or some other drug, and the child is forced to wear the same diapers they have badly soiled.

again, please dont read this if you want to keep the blinders on to the real world around you and continue on your way to your sunday sermons where the pastors say god is good.. pls just skip this message and continue to enjoy the sunday sermon show. which is what the majority of churces are anyways.

its likely i may be banned for the message, because im simply being honest.. and no one on here wants to hear the honesty of a person who committed their life to Christ only to watch it fall apart right before their eyes. that would be bad PR for the Jesus followers. no.. its just bettter to continue on with life and ignore the truth that Jesus doesnt care, or doesnt exist, and im not sure which one it is.

how can jesus care.. how can i honestly expect him to help me.. when he doesnt even help a child who is starving.. or a little boy who is being molested by some catholic priest. i know thats a harsh reality, but what.. should i ignore the truth, and continue to claim God is good. when apparently god is not good, or maybe god is good, but he just doesnt care enough to help that little boy, or that child dying of starvation or living in filth.. and im suppose to pray to him and actually believe that he is going to help me??

now before you say im some antichrist or something... let me please explain a little bit of my walk to let you know where im coming from.. im sure many of those who have read this have already judged me and condemned me to hell. all i know to say is that your not the one who is gonna be seated on the throne come judegment day.

i grew up in a home where Christ was not heavily emphasized, but probably grew up in what is considered to be very common and relatable to many of you. i attended chruch with my parents on easter, christmas, etc.. but my parents were definitely not bible thumpers, but they were and are both christians. my grandmother was perhaps considered a bible thumper or whatever term you wanna use.. but she was a strong believer. in fact she had me recite some prayer when i was 9 and i was a christian then (i guess you could say). all i know is that i was aware of jesus as much as a kid, teenager, and young adult could be. and i claimed christ.

to keep this story short.. im only gonnna share a little bit more of this. when i was 21 or so my life was really getting better.. my neighbor invited me to a church, and one evening this pastor come up to me and asked me a few questions.. next thing i know im in a room with his wife and my 2 neighbors and im being told to recite romans 10 9-10. there are going to be a ton of details left out here.. but bottome line is i dont agree one bit with what that pastor did, esp considering the conversation we had 5-10 minutes prior to this. but nonetheless for times sake im gonna fast forward.

that summer i decided to transfer to a christian college, was going to transfer anyways but felt led to go to anderson university in indiana. i was on fire for Christ.. and was very committed. anyone who knows me knows that when i make up my mind to do something i go 100%. after that evening i started reading the word daily, praying, and continued to attend church reguarly.

i say all this because i want those who are actually reading this to understand that im no infant or spiritual babe in Christ. ive read the NT several, several times, and parts of the OT like psalms, proverbs, Job, Genesis, and other boooks a few times or more as well. ive been out of the bible for awhile now but someone can quote me a scripture and i can still likley guess the book that verse would be found in just from the overall theme. from reading it so often i just know if a verse if from the gospels.. or the epistles of paul.. of somewhere else.

with all that said.. know that i gave my life to Christ devoutly. the problem with what that pastor did was he did not disciple me very well at all.. i really have so much anger in my heart towards this pentecostal pastor.. and not to offend anyone but ive since been told pentecostals are very pushy in their religion. but i dont think that is an excuse for Jesus.

the problem was is that i had no idea what being a christian meant, and from 22-25 even though i read the bible daily, attended church, and went to a christian univ. it still was not clear to me what it meant to be a christian. i guess maybe b/c the bible is simply too much verbiage.. or the topic of religion is just soo complicated.. heck even denominations amongst different churches cannot wholeheartedly agree on some things.

what im saying here is i, once saved took a very legalistic approach to follwing god. i was always concerned bout whether i was upsetting God, or if i would go to hell for this or that.. blah blah. i really had no idea what it meant to be a christian.. and sadly, i think there are many in churches who are exactly the same way b/c they dont pick up the bible themselves, they just show up to church on sunday and sleepwalk through the show.

i know this is long, but there are several details and things i have not even mentioned that could make this into a book if i really wanted. secondly, i dont really care if anyone even reads this b/c my hope i suppose is that Jesus is reading it.. and if he isnt then this is worthless anyways.. cause no one on here has the answer im looking for, im sure of that. but ive had it.. with all the false hope ive placed in this savior.

to try and wrap this up because im sure its very long anyways already, much of what ive written is to let others know that i was once a sincere christian. for 3 years i lived for god to the fullest.. i would close my eyes if a commerical came on the tv and its was a beautful woman.. to prevent lust. i would pray for hours.

what is soooo sad to me is that through all my effort to seek Christ, he never helped me until it was too late. finally, when i was about 25 and was sinking into a depression from things i did not mention that occurred from 22-25, i finally came across a verse that made sense of what it meant to be a christian. i finally understood the love of the Father, and Son, and what it truly meant when Jesus went to that cross. not sure what the verse was, i think it was ephesians 2: 8-9 but im not positive. all i know is it was like a lightbulb that went on in my head.. that this is what it truly means.. its GRACE, its UNCONDITIONAL LOVE... that Jesus does not expect me to be perfect, if so Jesus would nvr have had to die on the cross for my sins. Jesus nvr expected me to be perfect, and that there was no reason to really try to be in a sense cause i could never attain righteousness through works.. that may be poor phrasing but Paul explains this in many many of his epistles.

the problem is now.. that ive had soo much pain happen to me.. by turning to Christ prior to truly understanding what it meant to be a Christian, that now it feels my life is ruined. i cant go into detail b/c its just too much. all i know is that what ive experienced i know not even 1% of christians will ever face.

for me, there was one incident with Christ that changed everything.. shortly after being saved or whatever that pastor had me do that evening, it was about 6 months later and i started developing some health issues. i was in great shape, i ran, worked out, and was intending to play basketball for the university.. long story short these health problems became a nightmare for me. this story is very hard to tell, but im gonna to summarize it like this.

i went to the DR. and he had recommended some things be done. things i did not want to do. i was so confused at that time and alot was going on.. and i just wanted the health issues to end. long story short, i did what i thought i was suppose to do as a christian and that was pray. and i prayed.. prayed.. and prayed.. and at that time something i read came to mind.. a book titled to walk on water you have to get out of the boat.. and i felt like thats what jesus wanted me to do.. and at that time i was hearing alot about obedience etc. so i said okay, i will get out of the boat, alas.. not my will be done but your will be done. and i did this in faith. this was prior to understanding about GRACE and the LOVE Christ had for me.

i did what the DR. had asked, and what i felt Christ wanted me to do.. even though i felt like it was not the right decision. and that decision has scarred me for life. it completely backfired on me. there are many details i leave out here, but i put all my faith in him, because i was soo sick of the pain of that health problem and i ignored my own common sense of at least getting a second opinion.

anyways.. the verse Proverbs 3: 5-6 is a bold faced lie. acknowledge HIm in all your ways, and he will make your path straight is a LIE. i did exactly that, and the path im on now is anything but straight. after that decision, i started to realize several other things that i had been doing because i felt like that was WWJD or whatever.. and it was all wrong. i lost soo much, and my life has been forever altered due to it.. not only my life but my families life.. the ones i loved. and the things i wanted to do for them.

i was once a very happy person, and now daily my life is a hell. i had soo much hope in Christ and placed so much faith in him, but when it came time for Jesus to step up to the plate and be counted upon he let me sink. it was a few months after that decision when i was reading the scriptures and finally realized the GRACE and etc. sadly though it was too late, the damage had already been done.

i dont know why ive taken the time to write all this.. and doubt anyone will read it, and thats fine. all i know is if there is some actual God, this letter was intended more for him. Im walking away from the faith, or at least trying very hard to.. for whatever reason i cannot get Jesus out of my life. i think its because i invested so much into him, and completely expected to give him the rest of my life but now i realize he cannot be counted upon in this life or the next. so if i do face him someday i can say ya know i did all i could.. i even wrote this letter making myself out to be a complete fool, being one hundred percent honest about how i feel, and you still do not help me out. you let me continue to go down this ugly, lonely, painful, broken road.

ive put soo much thought into all this my mind is just gone. ive wasted so many talents due to RELIGION. and i know there is a difference b/t RELIGION and a RELATIONSHIP with Christ. for those of you fortunate enough to experience the RELATIONSHIP before the RELIGION consider yourself blessed. but that was not the case for me..

i do not feel sorry for Jesus.. i often feel he had it a heck of alot easier than many of us do on this earth. he was beaten and crucified and got it over with in 3 days. only 3 days is all he had to suffer.. sure the 40 days was awful. but everyday of my life is awful. try 365 days a year, for 9 years straight now of nothing but freaking HELL. i would much prefer to just have it be over with and hung on a cross and die in 3 days than to live with this for everyday, year after year. i was once so healthy, now im sure im likely to die of a heart attack probably before im 50 if i dont make some changes in my life. and i think the most important thing i can do is let go of Christ, which truly seems impossible.

well, ive said alot, and much of this is just venting... and its very censored venting believe me.. cause some of the mean things i have said to Christ would surely get me banned from here if i wrote them down. some of this is a cry for help.. but ive cried out for help for along time and there has been no answer. this is only a very shortened version of my actual story. i cannot put into words the daily hell and darkness ive encounted for the last 250,000 hours or whatever the total would be.

please do not take this the wrong way.. i understand there are so many out here who struggle, with so many things. but how many of you can say that Jesus is the reason your life is horrible. if i had cancer or some other life draining disease i could just say well thats life, and actually turn to jesus to cope. but for me.. i cannot turn to jesus, because he is the reason for my hell, this is all on him.

anyways.. none of this is likley to make any sense.. but dont feel bad, cause i feel the same way. it makes no sense to me why Christ would break a person to the point he has broken me.. when i had wanted to do was help others. i use to sponsor a child with compasssion for example, but due to losing my job, or jobs at this point for health reasons.. or depression i can barely make it myself these days.

the once great potential i had seems long gone. the goals i had and so on. there is no comfort in anything someone could tell me.. like maybe those were not Gods goals.. or blah blah blah... no one truly knows, and no one truly knows what God has in store.

all i know is it seems that God just doesnt care. i write this letter out of complete desparation. ive trashed my bibles, ive given up on prayer, i dont dare enter a church so some pushy pastor can corner me into a room and force me to recite some prayer i have no idea what it means. it truly seems like my life is over.. before it even really began. i have no intention of ending it.. but really wish somedays i could stop breathing. if not for family i would likely go to a beach and become homeless. i think that is where my peace could be found. its like a war everyday in my mind.. and bluntly im exhausted. i have nothing left. i would love to just go to a beach and just forget about life. as long as i have food and a place to live i really dont care. far cry from the goals i once had of getting my MBA and CPA and actually helping my family and as many ppl i could. its sickening to me that there are so many who sit around and waste their lives watching tv or etc.. and here i wanted to do something with mine.. somethhing good and positive and actually help others but yet God strikes me down.. down so much that it would be better to die than live this life.

but i have a mother who has cancer.. what was suppose to be a treatable cancer has anything but.. she has had two surgeries, and it still remains.. and the damage from the surgery to her spinal accessory nerve and throat has taken more of her than anyone as kind as her should ever have to endure. she is only 51 years old.. if i lose her i know its over for me. im done. i will pack up and and head somewhere warm and be a bum. cause i have no motivation anymore to care. ive tried to get back up so many times only to be kicked back down by unforseen circumstances.. its just the weirdest junk that just comes from nowhere. it feels lilke ive won the lottery for all the bad luck in a lifetime a person can handle and then some.

there is no purpose i suppose in this letter, im not really asking for prayer or anything else.. im simply writing this out so that God and all the world can see, that there was a man who gave his all for Christ.. and Christ struck him down to a point where that man despised his life almost to the fullest. i love life.. but not the one ive gained through accepting Christ.

i will likely be struck down again probably for writing this.. but im too a point where i dont care.. my only care is not seeing those i love hurt anymore. as far as my life goes i dont care whether i take another breath or not.. but so those i love most dearly will not feel any more pain, i know i most try to continue on.. no matter how cruel this life and the God i once served can be.

i would appreciate prayers but ive realized God doesnt answer them. all i want i guess from this letter is to know that if I do see Christ face to face there is some form of evidence stating hey.. i tried, i did all a man was capable of.. so where were you Jesus?? where were you.. cause you nvr showed up when i needed you.

and i guess thats the reason for this letter.. b/c he will never show up except only in fairy tales written centruries ago.

in closing, thank you if you were able to read all this, and if you were you must really be a true warrior for Christ. sometimes i have more faith that Christ exists.. because for this much to go wrong there has to a Satan out here playing this living nightmare on me. im truly truly embarrassed by writing a letter like this, ive poured out my soul and heart into this, but as low as i am these days.. pride has no meaning in my life. i know that i was sincere in my faith in seeking Christ, and i have no regret that i condemn Christ for the way in which he has CRUSHED my spirit. i see through the facades of many of those who claim Christ, and can truly say there are very very few individuals who are true to the gospel. this is my last ditch effort to hold up my arms and reach up to Christ for help, my heart has grown cold from the lack of a response from him. im hoping and i mean hoping he will hear this, and answer in a way that only he knows how, that will turn my heart and mind and soul back to him. but i have so little faith that will actually happen. so i ask once more.. please hear my cry Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, place my feet back on the path you have for me, and may heal those near me that i love so dearly. i cannot handle anymore rejection of my prayers. if you have one miracle reserved for the man typing this letter, i think this is as good a time as any to put it to use. but otherwise, it might be in my best interest to walk away and nvr speak of the name of Jesus ever again.

I ask that not be how my story ends. i gave all i had to give to you, and all it seems i received in return was a boatfull of sorrow and misery. if anything ive stated in this letter be false or dishonest.. then may you strike me down harder than any man that has ever walked the face of this earth and i ask that in your name Jesus.

my mind is broken from the agony of these last 10 years. i could go on.. but ive said everything ive needed to say here.

i call out to you Jesus, begging you to fill my heart with some bit of joy, a small amount.. it would feel like the taste of a drop of water to man a in a dessert for days on end. please bring healing to my Mother & Father. and healing to my Brokenness. amen

Hi ViaDolorosa, As I begin to write this I consider, what does this man need to hear, I prayed first. Because I really do hope in Jesus that you will hear the words that will heal your heart from someone, or as you said,face to face with Jesus.
All I can do is be as honest with you as you were .
As to suffering, as I shared with you in the past, I understand pain, but not just physical pain, but I have known all kinds of pain since my earlyest memories. I say this again because somehow you need to understand that believing does not mean all the lousy , painful, cruel, disasterous, stuff will go away. If I had the answers as to why, then I could stop writing and not bother you any more.
But the world is full of suffering.
First I want you to know that even though you dont know if Jesus is there or if he cares, I can witness to the fact that he does.
I have been praying for you since the first time I saw you post, not because of anything on my part, but because Jesus has placed you on my heart and said to pray for you. The compassion and love in Jesus that He gave me for you and your family is not my doing but His.
Now Im going to say something to you that was said to me many years ago, it may seem a bit harsh, but it was the best thing I could have ever heard.
I was speaking to the pain and hardship of my life when this person said, how can anyone ever get close to you, you have yourself on such a high pedistal that its impossible for them to see you face to face, let alone speak to you! Maby if you came down from it you would hear what you need to
Ouch! The words hurt, but the person was right, some how I had taken my suffering and made it my pride, my reason to give up, and a few other choice things that I will keep between me and Jesus.
I guess what Im trying to say to you, with full love and compassion in Jesus is, how can Jesus see you face to face if you keep yourself above him?
Now Ill just speak to your hurt and whys, I hope I wasnt to unkind in what I said, I also hope in Jesus that it was what He wanted said.
Hugs here for you.
The world is terrible, we suffer, sin is rampant, children suffer. I know I did. But if I have learned anything from Jesus it is , that His grace is what will make that which we go through, and that which is terrible, become perfect. Now, perfect in Jesus is not the perfect we know in the world, but perfect in Jesus, by God Our Father.
Ill add that God Our Fathers perfect is not always what we will want as well, but if you are willling to trust all to Him in Jesus, the end result, will be that which He has revieled to you through His Holy Spirit. Even though you may not see fully, your heart will know and recognise.
I know that you had so many things that you wanted to do, I have had to face this myself all my life. But , by giving it all in Jesus to God Our Father, I have come to know greater things.
Now what Ive been able to do is nothing to brag about, and some would think my life is rather slow and boring. I have learned though that when God Our Father takes my weaknesses, He truelly glorifies Himself in them.
Now none of this happened overnight, it has been a day to day process, even last night I was broken and crying out to Him, asking why I had to know the pain I do, His answer was; So that through you, I could pour out my compassion for others.
In Jesus, we have grace and salvation, I see more each day the greatness of this, not by anything I do, or any power I have. But because it is granted in faith. Each day, the answer is different yet the same, in Jesus, faith, hope, Love.
I dont think I can add anymore to this, His love is made perfect in our weaknesses.All glory and Honor is yours, almighty Father!
Thease are a few scriptures that touched my heart reciently, I dont know if they will help you at all, but I liked the message in them.
psalm 73 , Eph 2:8-10 , and Hebrews 10:31-39.
My prayers will continue for you, your mom and dad. That all of you will know fully, the truth in Jesus, and in Him the great love that is in Him.
I will also pray that in Jesus all of you will know the healing that He has for you.
I want only to say this once more, everything here is not by my doing or faith, hope and Love. But because of the perfect love and power in
Jesus Christ Our Lord!
in Jesus, God bless.
pickles

ViaDolorosa,

I am praying for you. I pray that God will heal your pain and heal your Mom. When I read your post, I thought of Paul and how he was persecuted because of his belief and love in Jesus Christ. Paul persevered and spread the Gospel to the world. God used Paul in a powerful way to do great work. I believe that God has a purpose for you and great work for you to do. He never said that the cross would not be heavy or that the road would be smooth. Christ promised eternal life! We're here on earth for a short while, and we all get discouraged sometimes. God gave us people like Pickles to love us, encourage us, and pray for us. That's what Christians do--lift each other up, show His love, and praise His name. Thank you God for ViaDolrosa and for giving me the opportunity to pray for him. GOD BLESS YOU! Peace be with you.

apple

I'm not going to say I know what you've gone through or I feel your pain for I do not. However, some of what you said I have said myself, for reasons far less deserved. So...

1) If you were truly ready to give up on God, you would not have posted that. If you truly believed God gave up on or abandoned you for good, you would not have posted that. But, you have no hope which is a most miserable way to live.

2) Funny how God doesn't just let us walk away from Him. I used to literally hate God because doing things "His way" made life hell, but if I tried to do things "my way", He'd prevent the best of my efforts. What kind of a sadistic God is that?

3) The answers to the first two are found in God's abundant grace and unconditional love. It is never too late! Viewing religion and thusly God without grace and love leads to a jaded view of God. How to fix it? Allow God to love you. Sounds a little crazy I know. But, Pickles is right. Someone recently told me that when we come to God with accusations such as "Why did You....?" or "How could You...?" that is putting ourself above God which is pride. The Bible tells us that God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace to the humble.

You must find within yourself to approach God humbly. Allow His love to fill you. That is not something that is meant for everyone but you. God loves you! God's joy is for you too! It takes a lot to open up like you did. I have and will continue to pray for you!!!!!!!

Misplaced anger -- our God Jesus is not the cause of your suffering

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think on humility

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i pray God gives you a dose of faith

i truly do appreciate all the kind words that have been spoken above. ive read many of the things and just dont see how they apply. i do thank you pickles but nothing you could tell me would be harsher than what ive already experienced by trying to be a christian. in regard to the other post, i think i posted this b/c although i dont really believe i have faith, at this point it doesnt matter b/c i dont expect God to answer, but this "idea" of Jesus is forever apart of me, whether i like it or not. its like christian music, i grew to love christian music, and in fact still do, but the music is in vain to me. yes, i listen from time to time, but its vain, i only listen because its something ive grown accustomed to. the music does not lift me, its just something i enjoy hearing as opposed to the other kinds of music that are available. not sure if that is very clear but i tried to explain it. its like this website, do i really have faith anymore, probably not when i do is think about how much i regret ever becoming a christian. but this is life, and regardless if there is a God in heaven or not we still need people. and i have found there are very kind ppl on here that i enjoy getting to know. its just like some of my friends who are christian, tho we may not share the same belief anymore, they are still my friends.

anyways, i cant sleep this evening, and had read some of the responses here earlier, and felt like its time to just open up and be completely honest. if someone i know and conversate with on here reads this so what, this is who i am unfortunately. and despite the regret i have for becoming a christian, and the sincere hate that i have toward Jesus Christ, i want to say this very very LOUDLY.. im sad that i feel this way towards Christ. on top of it all, im sad that my relationship with Christ sucks, im sad that i can no longer turn to him when i need his strength. granted it was most likely nvr real to begin with, but deep in my heart i still had that hope, and it was real.

i fear opening up to the fullest, one i dont want to be banned because im a very lonely person these days. if anything, this site even tho im not a christian believer anymore, still provides a cure for lonliness to some degree. secondly, i dont want to come across like im some wolf in sheeps clothing, and deter others who are seeking Christ, thats truly not my goal. only those who are STRONG believers in Christ i hope reads these words that i write.

maybe i feel the need to write these things as confession.. i dont know. but i need to let this out, because its whats in my heart. my life is ruined. i have very little hope. the only hope i have is that there is a heaven and that one day i will feel no more pain, and can be the man i knew i was capable of becoming. theres no way on this earth that will likely happen, and at this point, im not sure i have the heart to reach those same goals. as i was laying in bed trying to rest, a thought that has crossed my mind sooo many times before has come back. i dont wanna live anymore. i really dont. im not suicidal, but i just dont care to live. ive had every dream and goal i ever wanted which was very realistic crushed.

when i was 25 and just graduated from college from anderson univ with a 3.5 gpa in accounting, i felt like there was nothing i could not accomplish. i was the first to graduate in my family, and in high school i barely graduated. i partied, drank, smoked, you name it pretty much except for one sin, which was sex. in fact i held onto my virginity until i was 29. oh how i regret that so much, because when i was working out and playing ball there were girls that were very attracted to me.. and they were very attractive, but i was committed to christ. when i fell into the depression at 25 it was over, i stopped working out, lost confidence and i feel i have nothing to offer a female companion. its so sad. before the depression the goals i had were so awesome. but the health problem nvr did go away and it just killed me, well it wore me down severly, the decision to step out of the boat as i referred to earlier and trust Christ and do as that dr recommended is what killed me. it was after that i realized so many dumb decisions i made due to my legalistic view of Christ, like quitting the basketball team in college, or almost letting my parents sell the home i grew up.. stuff i cannot go into too much detail about because im trying to keep this as concise as possible.

all i know is, before the depression, when i graduated i was on top of the world. i had these great goals, i was gonna get an MBA, a CPA. help my Mother retire early, she did so much for me in this life, and she works in a factory, i wanted to payoff her home so she would no longer have to work and i had that kinda ability, the kinda ability where i firmly believed by 30 i would be making if not 6 figures very close. i also wanted to start a lawn care business, something i did during college, and something i enjoyed. after some time was going to train my father, who does not have a HS education, and my uncle on my fathers side who has been in prison. i was going to help them. also my uncles children whose mother lives very loosely shall i say.. in fact i was ministering to them about Christ, i would pick them up and take them to a movie, or the pool in the summertime, they were 13, 10, and 6 at the time. i wanted to encourage to go to college and sooo on. i wanted to help my entire family, and i had that ability.

i wanted to marry a woman, and have children, and devote my entire life to my Faith, Family, and work. i had it all, i was so positive and happy, confident, i exercised all the time, i had soo much life. and its all gone. i no longer even want children for fear that all this stress could possibly cause them to be born with a disability.. i dont know.. i just know that soo much hell has been brought on me.. i dont take anything for granted anymore. and i could not live with myself ruining my childs life.. thats one thing im grateful for, is that its only my life thats truly detestable.

for me, i dont know how to explain the feelings i have toward Christ, i guess if i could it would be like having a wife or husband, who you love with all your heart, who you planned to spend the rest of your life with, but then you find out they cheated on you, or whatever awful thing you can imagine. you still love that person, but your heart no longer feels the same toward them. you no longer are motivated to give them all you have to offer as a person. thats the only way i know how to explain it. i loved Jesus, but he let me down, and yet even tho deep in my heart he is still there, ive lost that motivation to give him my fullest devotion. and i dont think it will ever return.

i thank you for all the kind comments, but its just philosophies. im soo badly broken, im like the blind man in the bible who cannot even crawl to the healing waters. forgive me, its been a moment since ive read scriptures.. but im sure some of you know the passages i refer to. thats how badly im broken.

the only reason, i continue my life is for my family. there is no way i could ever do something so selfish as suicide. its a very very selfish act. and with how much my mother is struggling.. it would kill her. i know it. my true desire is to move to a beach and be a bum, live where its warm, where there is an ocean and sand.. dont know why but its like the only place i feel i can find peace. ive alienated myself from friends, just because im embarrassed at the man ive become. i try to hide it from family, but i dont talk much.

i just am in utter disbelief, that by a pastor forcing religion on me in the manner he did, causing me to live for Christ without knowing what that meant, and by me making terrible terrible decsions which were not even sinful, just common sense decisons that i felt like i had to do WWJD, has led me down this road. i know now that Christ expects me to make decsions, and all that stuff, but at the time i really was just doing my best to serve him. it was just an overwhelming time, with a new university i transferred to, new area of study, trying to play ball, and soooo many other things, then add religion too it and it all just got completely to chaotic.

all i know is.. i dont really wanna live anymore if this is the life im going to lead. metaphorically speaking, how does a person go from having these visions of a great and wonderful life, to only seeing darkness and misery from this point forward. i want to be clear.. i earned what i worked hard for. no one can take away the sacrifices i made to earn my degree.. nothing was handed to me. i paid my way in full, no silver spoon was given to me, and i worked as hard if not harder than anyone you will ever meet, and i say that with a hand on the Bible if needed, tho it means nothing. ppl respected how hard i worked. but it was all taken from me.. there are a couple of vrs in JOb, i think 13:15 or 15:13 then another one around chap 9.. that clearly explain somethings how i feel, but i dont wanna look them up. one is how the lord giveth and taketh. and i cant remember the other one.. regardless.

im at a point where i truly feel like, if this is the life i now have to live, i dont want it. i dont want this life. im sorry for being so honest on here, and i guess maybe i do still have a tiny bit of hope that Christ will fullfil romans 8:28. but if not, at least ive been honest, and stated that Christ truly has ruined my life. ive tried to even be positive, and think well look how many lives Christ has enriched, ppl who were perhaps suicidal that did not follow through. maybe for all the 1000 or 10000 that the fake Christ has helped, maybe its okay that one person experiences the exact opposite for giving their life to Christ. it just bites that im the one who gets to experience the ugly side of being a Christian. guess i woulda been much better off living like over half those who attend church do.. and that is just showing up on Sunday, then blowing it off the rest of the week. but no.. i had to live it every day, and for that this is what i reap. yet what i sowed was so much healthier and beautiful, but i reaped ugliness and misery.

this life i now have to live, all im waiting for is death. im not gonna end it, at least not anytime soon, but i wake up each day, waiting to die. and the one person most can turn to in this situation which is Jesus, is the one person i feel is responsible for all this. its pretty sick and twisted if there is a Christ the road he has led me down. and please believe me, there is no joy in me writing these words. only an abundance of sadness, in that i could not help my family, and that the life i once looked forward to which included Christ, is now only a memory. and it saddens me very much that i feel this way toward Jesus.

they say confession is good for the soul, well i hope so, cause i dont know what else to do.

Thank you for caring. alot of folks in this world.. dont care nearly as much as they want you to believe they do. this is all probably all in vain, but i feel like i dont have much left to lose anyway. i really do miss whatever it was i had with Jesus, because i all i have now is regret, sorrow, anger, and hatred. i can say with 100percent certainty, i have many regrets, but i dont regret one thing i ever did while i served Christ, i gave him everything i knew to give, i sought him, and there is nothing i coulda done differently, but yet again, how is it that what i sowed has reaped this type of just flat out awful painful miserable existence on a daily basis. just another one of the many unanswered questions i have.

im sorry this is not a happy letter.

ViaDolorsa, its a new day. How are you doing? Are you still holding on?
Even if you dont know if you can hold on, Jesus has never let go of you. Sometimes we have so many tears that we just cannot see him.
Know that Jesus will never let you out of His sight, or His hand. Even when you are running away.
I often call it my running away towards Him.
If all you can do right now is say I believe in you Jesus, even though in every way I do not see, know, understand, and suffer.
He will be with you, and will in time, give you His understanding. His love is always filling you.
It is when I am at my lowest that I ask myself, where would I be if I did not know Jesus is.
Even though it is by a thread that we hold on, it is then that we know He is holding on to us.
Just keep a thread of faith, Jesus will do the rest.
In Jesus, God bless.
pickles

Well I guess I was writing my post as you were yours. So Ive read your responce, I will tell you that that you are not the first to know this blackness dispair and anger. As you have said ,it does come down to this, your willingness to humbly accept what is before you in Jesus.
If you do it will be the hardest thing you have ever done, also the most humbleing.
Being angry at Jesus is not new to Him, Ive been angry at Jesus myself.
But the final act is to accept in Jesus the will of God Our Father. I had heard it many times myself, never fully understood the greatness of this untill I finally did this. I wonder if I should tell you the result? But I believe it is better if you learn this from Jesus.
All I can witness to is that to say it was worth it, but even greater is the love that is known in Jesus by doing this.
But to say I did it myself? I know that every act is a gift from God Our Father in Jesus.
I know this just sounds like the same words to you, but it is the word that calls to you in this.
As I finished reading you post , one thing filled my heart for you. Get ready, Jesus is going to give you the ride of your life!
I say this with the love and excitement of Jesus and His Love. I do not know when, but no matter How angry you are at Him, He loves you still.
Jesus will be carrying you on His shoulders, this is a gift that you will never forget.
I will keep praying for you, and especially for your mom and dad.
I also pray that when you know this Love in Jesus, I will still know you here in Jesus.
Id love to praise Jesus with you.
It is not what we do, but what Jesus has done and still does for us, His gift, From God Our Father, by the Holy Spirit.
In Jesus, God bless.
Pickles

fallen -- ouch, pain -- yes this state has suffering and want

self-pity only gets you so far -- vanity

you were riding high thinking your success was connected to heavenly favor -- the rug pulled out and your 'devotion' vanishes

desiring to punch the face of the Innocent is not going to force His hand or make Him move in your benefit

you still have breath, use it to praise Him

your ONLY hope is in Him, seek Him out in prayer and in His Word

think on HUMILITY -- this word is for you; for all of us

I know that your problem is spiritual, but I also think that there is a physical and emotional side to it. You need to rest your mind. these thoughts are just tumbling around and around and every time they go around, it gets worse. You need to break the cycle. So here's some advice.
1. Accept that this life is only temporal and turn your mind on the things above. Accept that no matter how low you feel or how lousy your life seems, you are His child and He has your good in mind.
2. Forgive, forgive, forgive. forgive others, forgive yurself, forbgive God. (Yes, forgive God.) Remember that forgiveness is letting go. Let go of your resentment toward that minister, let go of the bad feelings that you have towards yourself, and let go of the resentment that you have towards God.
3. Go see a doctor. Find out if there are any physiological problems that may be causing you depression.
4. Just live today. And then tomorrow. And then the next day. God created time for a reason. Things pass away and other things come into being. Don't be stuck in the yesterworld, filled with should-of's and shouldn't-of's
I continue to pray for you.

Come up hither!!!

King James Version
After this I looked, and, behold, a door was opened in heaven: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither, and I will shew thee things which must be hereafter. Revelation 4:1-3 (in Context) Revelation 4 (Whole Chapter) (Might be taken out of context...) but that is what came to me!!! Come up hither!!!

If you had of been the only one that was separated from God and the only one that was lost off and Him still searching for you...He would have still gone to The Cross and Died just for you!!! Even if you were the only one. I remember being in the chat one day...and someone coming on saying That God (Jesus) didn't love them...or I didn't love them...I guess because of my "handle"...and how it was just the very neatest of things...It was like The Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters...and everything stopped...(Be still and know that I am God)...and then the typing that came out of my fingers...Oh yes...I love you...No you don't...Yes, I do---How do I know?...Cause I'm doing it right now...I'm loving you right now...And how it just struck me!!! and I was typing it!!! How the flesh is so different than The Spirit...How Jesus loves us when we don't love ourselves or Him...How we do things we know we ought not...How we have no way to change ourselves!!!

New King James Version Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.
John 14:5-7 (in Context) John 14 (Whole Chapter)

How the spirit part of us is dead...dying...just yukky...because we don't even know its there...until He brings us out of the darkness into His Marvelous Light...How He gets blamed for everything under the sun...Thus...forgiveness is so needed-we literally can't go on without it...forgiving ourselves and Him...and everybody else too...I haven't been perfect at any of this...but I'm still living and it's because I had an experience!!! A Real Experience...I had to have something and I told Him so. And He gave it to me!!! I'll shout it from the rooftops...God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit Are Real...
I could have said that it was God that caused me to be a murderer...Me...a nice woman full of love and compassion...would have given you the food out of mouth if you were hungry...(Just a figure of speech, please) but I would have...not raised in church but my mom and dad both were and both ran like jackrabbits from God...didn't even tell us kids anything about God...
NOTHING...
Having an abortion because my boyfriend wouldn't love me anymore if I didn't. He was my god...at the time...oopppsss...I chose to worship the wrong god!!! Didn't know it at the time...blinded...being lied to...lie after lie after lie...from God? Nope...Is there an enemy...Yep...Is the enemy trying his very best to steal (mainly The Word-out of our hearts and other things too), kill (anybody) and destroy (everything)...Yep...That's exactly what was happening to me. Is it a spirit that is trying to lie to me and tell me that everything would be better if I were dead...Yep...At least that's the truth I've come to. Well...and now that it isn't so overwhelming...It's just real simple...I should have been dead already and almost was...except...A real God stepped into my bedroom that night...and heard THAT PRAYER...The prayer where I was done...All used up...And He better let me know that He existed...It took a while...Oh...patience I had none!!! Had a promise...that I would be changed!!! Did I know how it was going to happen? No...but turns out...He is Gentle...Oh So Gentle...His Annointing does break the yoke...He poured liquid love on me that day and filled me with A Peace that passes all understanding...Oh my...He Loves Us!!! Oh I know...as somebody pointed out one day...Well God has wrath too...Not just Love all the time...Hahaha...I know that...but I needed saving...in the worst way...I needed saving...

all, i havent been on in a few days, but i wanted to say thank you all very much for your prayers and kind words. again, i do apologize for the letter of despair. i think it has much to do with the fact that its hard for me to show the pain that i truly feel to others. if i show to my Mother she would worry about me and not herself, and right now her health is at a very critical stage, so i bottle up the pain as much as possible. i bottle up the pain as much as i can around family because they dont understand anyways and cant help me. i bottle up with friends because if they really knew they would give me lame advice (referrring to non-christian friends) and they dont wanna hear about jesus regardless. i bottle up the pain because if others really saw the hurt i have i think many would be very concerned for me, yet the only real answer is Jesus, so why even seek help from places i know are not going to provide. i do have christian friends but very few it seems have experienced these sort of feelings in regard to Jesus.

so i opened up here, and released some of the pain, b/c i know someone here possibly can relate and also i dont have to fear as much the repercussions as i would in person.

ive continued to read many of the comments and have taken them into consideration. its just im so weak at this point in time its hard for me to explain that to anyone. anyways, i wanted to again thank all of you for simply caring enough to respond to this post.

my head feels so clouded and its really difficult for me to even concentrate and think clearly to some degree. its not physiological, i know, its stress and anxiety and the toll it takes on a persons mind and body are dangerous. when i was in college it felt like my mind was capalbe of speeds up to 150 mph like a well oiled sports machine or something, nowadays im lucky to be able to go the speed limit. its the only analogy i can think of.

again, thank you all very much.

Hi ViaDolorosa, I understand about being able to speak to others about all your pain. Its just not something that is easly done.
Often others do not understand that you just do not want to be alone with your sufferings, instead others , simply because we all want to, try to give solutions or answers.
Even though I cannot always understand why I live with the pain I do, I do know that the lonelyness is lifted in Jesus.
I think this time is far more difficult because you see your mother suffering, when one lives with pain, it is very hard to see the ones we love be in pain.
One feels it far more accutely. And wants to in any way possible lift the pain from them.
I have learned when I serve another in pain I forget my own, Consider that your mom may prefur to care for you, rather than think about her own pain.
It is in this, that I find peace in Jesus.
I continue to pray for you, and your mom and dad.
In the love of Jesus, God bless. pickles

Pickles, i cannot thank you enough for the kind words you express to me, and the show of concern given. along with all those who have prayed for me and spoke kind words.

ive relented on saying anything else because what is really left to say ya know. my situation can only be resolved if Jesus exists, and if he doesnt than there is no hope.

for me i struggle with my faith sooo much b/c of what i have endured why serving Christ to the best of my abilities. not that i expected a walk in the park or anything, but i certainly did not expect to feel like he is responsible for the hell i currently feel on a daily basis. i mean, where was he when i needed him, where was he when i first became a christian and had no idea what that even meant.. to be christian? why didnt he teach me about grace and unconditional love sooner.. there are so many things i just do not understand.

so now im suppose to trust in him AGAIN, when ive put it all on the table so to speak for him, and lost what feels like everything??

i guess if anything comes out of this thread, I WOULD ASK FOR FAITH.. FAITH THAT HE WORTH TRUSTING.. b/c i dont feel that way right now.

what if Jesus truly does not exist?? then its like Paul stated in scripture, i/we should be pitied above all other men.

BELIEVE ME.. i have racked my brain trying to find some sort of way to see the good in all this, and maybe see why God would have allowed this, but i dont. and therefore im not sure how to really believe in him. being that i have an accountants nature and am very analytical, trust me, i have analyzed everything to give myself more faith and i still have not found the answer.

i look around at this earth, sun, mankind, animals, vegatation, the universe and i see a creator in all of it. i know there has to be a God. ive concluded, this is either all here by random chance, or by creation, is there a third option that im not aware of?? so if thats the only two, either choice requires faith. faith in "big bang" or whatnot or faith in creation. for me, i think there is a better chance of me winning the lottery than all this being created by randomness. so ive concluded i believe there is a God.. there has to be, no way were all here by luck.

but is Jesus truly the Son of God.. maybe i have the wrong religion, or maybe religion really doesnt exist and there is just a God, who knows maybe Gods.. but i do believe in creation and a God, just not sure if im following the correct Savior.

the whole Mohammad, or Buddah and so on is for another thread, but i feel like from what i know from Christianity i would nvr want or need to choose another religion because the overriding theme from my perspective is LOVE.. and thats a beautiful thing.

so do i see the existense of God outside of my life, yes i do, but from my own personal experience from serving Christ i see no evidence of his existense, which makes me wonder is Jesus who he really is, and i truly hope so.

i have often said, and this is kinda important, i dont care what happens to me, as long as i can trust and know that there is a heaven, an eternal hope with Christ. all that ive been through would very much pale in comparison to knowing that i have eternal life.

so the true crux of my pain is maybe not what ive endured for the last 10 years, but is there really a hope beyond this life.. and that i do not have faith in so much at this time, except that there must be something or i/we would not be here.

how do i have faith, how can i know Jesus truly exists.. because if i knew than all this pain and the temporal would go away very easily, but by lacking in faith, it only makes the pain more unbearable, thinking now that even this life i cannot enjoy.

i just dont know how to have faith anymore, and ive asked for faith, but not recieved. how can i truly trust that Jesus exists, when all ive experienced from serving him is what feels like total abandonment in every aspect of my life?

ViaDolorosa, Ive been learning alot abot faith lately. Seems its something Jesus wants us to know perfectly.
Like you said, knowing there is a heaven is what we cling to sometimes.
Im learning to have faith even when there is nothing else, I believe this is the fire we have to go through sometimes to know Jesus perfectly.
I know each time I pray for you, your Mom and dad, I see the love Jesus has for you.
Keep holding on to faith.
I often tell others Im just hanging onto the sleeve of Jesus's robe.
Continueing to pray.
In the love of Jesus, God bless.
pickles

Yea I guess you're right... I was kind of one of the lucky ones... I came into christianity with the phrase "Christianity is a relationship not a religion". I actually HATE the whole religion side of it. If thats where you began... then I don't blame you one little bit for wanting to run away from it. Id do it too if I were you. And ya know what... maybe thats what you need. Just to gain some perspective.
A relationship with God is basically the exact opposite of what the christian religion says. Religion tells us not to sin, to go to church EVERY sunday, to bow our heads and fold our hands when we pray, read the bible every day.... where do the rules end. they don't. Religion is basically a series of rules.
A true relationship with God has ZERO rules and thats whats so great about it. Take a step back and think about the basic facts you know about who God is and what he's done. He loves you. He sent his son to die for you so you wouldn't have to suffer in hell for all eternity. THATS IT...
God doesn't promise anywhere that you're life here on earth will be great... trust me I know. Granted not as well as you or many others. But what he does say is that he will help you get through it. Stop asking him to solve your problems and start asking for his help to get you through.... The strength to move on.
Just talk to him... don't bow your head. Just talk to him like you would your best friend. He's one you can confide in and one you can trust. He can make you feel better about all the crap thats going on. And if you need to... yell at him. He's not gonna look down on you because of it. He understands.
Just because he's the God of the universe... doesn't mean he's sitting up in heaven sitting on his throne looking down on you. He's your friend. He's standing right there next to you. And he loves you.

Praying for you via

Blessings

Phil